by Jolene Perry
“Who’s Caroline?” I felt a twinge of something I’d never felt with Brian before.
“One of the bartenders.”
“Oh.” I realized that I hadn’t paid much attention to that job. The whole thing made me a little uncomfortable. It had been simply short hours for good money. I knew girls hit on him there; he’d joke about it sometimes. It was somehow different that he worked with one. I felt upset for getting caught off guard. “I’ll call Josie to babysit tonight.” I tried to sound teasing to mask the jealousy that I felt.
“Sorry, Leigh.” He cocked his head to the side and rested his hand on my cheek.
- - -
“So, I have news,” Josie said smiling as she sat down on the couch with me.
I waited.
“Well, you know I’m eighteen and I’m done with school. I finished last semester. Anyways, I’m getting married and we’re moving to Cedar City because he has a scholarship at SUU and I’m so excited!”
I had no words, no thoughts, only shock. The pause must have been longer than it felt.
“He’s a good guy, Leigh. Don’t react like that.” Her brows pulled together, probably concerned that I wouldn’t approve.
“It’s just so sudden, isn’t it?” I tried to recover.
She shrugged. “I mean, kind of, but we grew up together. I wrote him on his mission and when he got back a few months ago, we started seeing each other.”
“Wow.” It seemed like she couldn’t possibly be old enough for that.
“And before you start, I can spare you the lecture. We’ve both prayed about it a lot and I feel really good and I’m really happy and I think, honestly, my parents will be relieved to have me taken care of.”
“Wow,” I said again. “So, you’ll be moving away, just like that.”
“Just like that.” She smiled. “We’re getting married in Salt Lake. I know it will probably be too much for you to come, but I promise to write and tell you everything.”
“Well come here.” I reached my arms out for a hug. “Don’t forget all of us.”
“Impossible.” She threw her arms around me, but it felt like in a lot of ways she’d already left.
Or maybe that was just me.
- - -
Brian walked softly into our room sometime in the middle of the night.
“I’m sorry to wake you,” he said as I rolled over.
“I’m used to it.” I paused. “Josie’s getting married.” I hadn’t been able to stop thinking about it.
“Oh, yeah. The bishop’s kid.”
“You knew?” I asked.
“Well, they’ve been sitting together at church. I guessed something was going on.”
“She just seems so young, and I’ll miss her.” I wondered if Brian would understand. Did I understand why it made me feel a little sad?
“Well, she was old enough for you to work with her.”
“It’s just weird.”
“You’re a funny girl, Leigh.”
It made everything feel temporary, Josie leaving. Jaron and Megan wouldn’t always live next door. Shoot, they were about to have a baby. Brian and I might be moving sometime soon. I didn’t want anything to change right now. I sighed and rolled back over.
“You okay?” Brian asked.
“Yeah. I’ll miss her, that’s all. It feels like a lot is changing.” I didn’t know what other answer to give him. He put his arm around me and ran his hand up and down my arm slowly to help me fall back asleep.
- - -
I wasn’t ready to go to bed yet. Brian was at work again. I’d insisted that I didn’t need Josie. Nathan had gone to bed early so I sat on the couch alone and wishing Brian’s warmth was with me. It didn’t feel weird not having him here during the day, but to be here without him at night was getting harder, not easier. He’d had this schedule since I’d met him. At least on Friday and Saturday nights – Brian was busy.
Maybe if I just talked to him for a minute. Maybe that would make me feel better. Calling him there was a bit difficult because the bar was always noisy, but a little bit of Brian was better than none at all. His phone cut straight to voicemail. I sat on the couch chewing my lip. I didn’t know what to do. Well, I couldn’t really do anything. But as I sat and thought about him, I started to feel almost desperate to see him.
Maybe I could just pop in and say hi. I’d be lying if part of my motivation didn’t have something to do with the girl he worked with. Mostly I felt uneasy, like things were sliding underneath and around me, and I didn’t know how to make it stop. I felt okay, no nausea, and no dizziness. It had been forever since I’d been behind the wheel of a car by myself. The independence would feel good.
I sent Jaron a text to ask for his car, and help watching a sleeping Nathan. Then I started getting ready. Definitely a wig occasion. I was not going to be the bald girl at the bar.
As I pulled on my jeans I realized they were barely going to stay up. I probably should have kept some of my skinny girl clothes from last year. I took time to put on makeup and suddenly couldn’t remember the last time I’d done this. Probably when Brian took me to dinner.
“What’s going on?” Jaron asked as he stepped through my front door.
“I can’t sleep, and I just want to go say hi to Brian, that’s all.” But it didn’t feel like all. I felt more anxious to have his arms around me every moment.
“Megan can come over and I can come with you, or Megan can come with you.” He watched me closer than I wanted. I had no explanation other than I needed my husband.
“I’m okay if you’re okay to lend me your car,” I said. “This is the time in my schedule I feel the best.”
He handed me his keys, but he seemed hesitant, pausing before dropping them in my hands.
“Thanks, Jaron.” I walked out the door.
Brian’s work wasn’t far but to be out by myself felt really good. I pulled as close as I could get, I still had to walk a ways. Two long blocks. I hadn’t thought about that, and was exhausted by the time I made it to the door.
I walked in and scanned the room for Brian. The small scattered tables were all full. The eight pool tables were in use. There were no seats left at the bar. A busy night.
I saw Caroline first. She was exactly what I would have pictured. Fake blond, not done as well as Amber’s, big smile, t-shirt knotted up to show just a sliver of tan abs. I sighed. Fortunately, it didn’t take me long to find Brian. He was at the other end of the L shaped bar wearing his big friendly grin that kept him in good tips.
He caught my eye and immediately went to the end of the counter, using a hand to jump over the swinging door on the end.
“Hey there.” He smiled at me and pulled us together until our noses nearly touched.
“I missed you and your phone…” I started to explain.
“Yeah, it died,” he explained. “Everything okay?” he asked.
I didn’t know how to answer.
“Come on back. I’ll see if I can take a quick break.” He took my hand and I followed him behind the counter.
“Hey, Brian!” One of the guys held up an empty glass.
“Just a minute, just a minute.” Brian chuckled. “Don’t move.” He looked at me and pointed. I stood and watched. He filled the glass and did two other refills before coming back to my side. The busyness bordered on the point of insane. Caroline appeared around the corner of the L. I didn’t know what to do with myself, what to say, what to think.
“This is my Leigh,” Brian said.
“Oh, hey!” She held out a hand and I took it. “You do exist.” She laughed.
Brian rolled his eyes. “Get back to work,” he teased.
She laughed again and headed back the way she came.
Brian eyes came back to mine. “They’ve never met you, and you don’t come hang out here, so the joke is that you don’t exist.”
“So, now I do.” I felt the corner of my mouth pull up.
“Yep.” He took my hand and led me to the
back room.
“Hey Mitch, this is my wife, Leigh.”
We shook hands but I didn’t really take him in. The whole environment smelled like smoke and felt, off, odd.
“I need ten? Maybe fifteen?”
Mitch headed for the door. “Take your time Brian, but if you’re going to do anything inappropriate, have the decency to lock the door.”
Brian chuckled. I blushed. Brian immediately locked the door when Mitch left and I could hear Mitch laugh from the other side. We stood in a small dark room with a desk and a few chairs. You could see out through the liquor bottles, two-way mirror, but the noise didn’t carry. It was awkward, but at least I’d made it there.
“I’m happy to see you.” His hand brushed my cheek.
“Me too.”
“So, what’s up?” he asked.
“I’m crazy, that’s all. I just felt lonely and wanted to see you.” I was suddenly worried about what he’d think. “Kind of pathetic, huh?” I didn’t want to be so needy.
“I think it’s awesome.” He pulled me close and kissed me, when I didn’t pull away he kissed me again, more deeply.
We pulled away a little breathless. Definitely worth coming here for.
“I’m a little worried about your lack of sleep.” His head tilted to the side like it so often did when he thought about something.
“Well, you do it every weekend,” I said. “I’m no help with Nathan in the mornings. I feel… out of balance or something. I mean, I always want to be close to you but it’s like, I feel like I suddenly don’t know how to be away from you.” I rested my hands on his chest and he slid his arms around my lower back.
“Well, that’s okay with me.” He kissed my forehead and rubbed his hands up and down my arms. “This job has kind of been my safety net you know? I think I could cover everything without it. Would that be better?”
“I don’t know.” I loved the idea of him not coming in here anymore.
“Yes you do. It’s written all over your face.” He smiled. “Just a little while longer.”
“Okay.” Wow. Only a little while longer. Did it feel fair to want him to quit this? I looked around the dingy office. This wasn’t a good place for him to be. I didn’t want to be here.
“So, while the door’s locked…” he smiled. He sat down on the desk and took my waist in his hands. “It’s nice seeing you like this. Out and about.”
“It’s nice being out and about,” I answered back, slowly breaking into a smile.
He brought me closer to him and kissed me again. The way he held me put a knot in my stomach that I hadn’t felt in a long time. I pulled him closer, kissing him again.
“Time’s up, Bri!” Mitch knocked on the door.
“I’ll take you to your car.” He sounded as breathless as I felt. He put his large arm protectively around me as he led me out of the small office. “How did you get here?”
“Jaron’s car.”
“That was nice of him.” Brian elbowed our way to the front door, not paying anyone any attention, even though more than one person called his name as we passed.
“I wish you could come home with me,” I mused as we stepped outside.
“Well, it’ll slow down pretty quickly in there. I’ll be home before you know it.” He squeezed me closer.
“Caroline’s pretty.” I watched my feet.
Brian chuckled again. “Ah, so that’s the real reason you came down.”
“No, I mean, I don’t know. Mostly I missed you.” I couldn’t describe the feeling.
“But that was part,” he said again.
I shrugged. We stopped at Jaron’s car and I leaned my back against the driver’s side.
“There is absolutely nothing there.” He looked into my eyes making sure I understood him. “I can’t imagine wanting anything from any woman besides you.”
“Okay.” I smiled at him. “But it was just part.”
“Of course.” He opened my door to let me in. And as sad as I was to leave, he was at work, and I needed sleep. Brian’s form was in my rearview mirror until I drove around the corner.
His arrival home woke me just like it did every other night. Just like the night before, he pulled us together and ran his fingers up and down my back until I fell asleep. It was enough. It should have been enough, but I still wanted more of him. Of something.
TWENTY-ONE
Sixth of Twelve
Tell you Something
Andy and I tucked our beds close together. Devin sat on her side with a book and Brian was on his laptop. He’d just gotten an “assignment” from the Seattle guys and wanted it to be perfect. I wanted it to be perfect, too. The more design work he got, the easier it would be for him to quit his other job. He’d put in his two-week notice at the bar and had spent a lot of time praying for work.
“Here we are! First treatment of the new year!” I rolled my eyes and smiled at Andy. I whispered so she’d know she could do the same.
“Devin is more nervous by the day.” She sighed. “It’s exasperating. If I do the littlest thing, he jumps.”
“He loves you, that’s all,” I said.
“I know, but I really just need a little space, not a lot, just a little. Watch this.” She made herself cough twice and Devin was on his feet. I didn’t approve, but it was hard not to smile just the same.
“You okay?” He touched her arm.
“Fine, honey.” She looked back at him with a thin smile.
He sat back down and shifted around, re-adjusting the book he’d had on his lap.
“Do you see?” She opened her eyes wide.
Once again, I held in my smile. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d smiled so much. Real, genuine smiles.
“Can I tell you something?” she whispered.
“Of course.”
“I’m only doing this for Devin.”
“What?” I was confused.
“All this.” She looked around. “They didn’t get it the first time. They’re not getting it this time. Chances are like fifteen percent, maybe ten. He’s shooting for the magical ten to fifteen.”
“And you’re not?” My heart sank. How could she not be praying for that? I hadn’t given much thought to the seriousness of her condition. She was so witty and fun that it didn’t come up between us. Andy was way too strong to just… die.
She shook her head. “I’m sure. I knew my time was limited.” She didn’t sound worried at all. That had been me last time around. I had been honestly okay with any outcome. Things were different now.
“How can you be sure?” I asked. I couldn’t be without Andy. Couldn’t.
“I just know. Haven’t you had times when you just knew something?”
I nodded. “The first time, as soon as treatments were over, and they said I had no more cancer I knew I was done.” I paused. “And now here I am.” The thought crushed me again. I closed my eyes and tried to take a few slow breaths. Crying didn’t feel like an option.
“Oh.”
“I don’t trust that voice anymore.” I paused. “So, that’s my something I needed to tell you.” It all crumbled on me, saying that thought out loud. It had never completely had a chance to formulate into a thought in my head. My chest caved.
“Because you haven’t told anyone else.”
“Right.”
“Hey, did you see that new cartoon? The one with that red-haired girl?” Her regular smile came back, just like that. Once again, my day passed surprisingly quickly.
- - -
Brian pulled out his dog tags in the car on our way home.
“Check it out, Leigh. We’re at the halfway point!” He showed me the place where he’d moved the small bracket over.
“Yeah.” Halfway just seemed like this was all happening depressingly slow. We rode together in silence.
“You’re very quiet,” he noticed.
“I’m always quiet after a day like today.” That felt true enough. I wanted to pray for Andy, but it felt like my prayer
s were ineffective. The quiet voice wasn’t talking to me, and I didn’t know why.
