by Jolene Perry
“This is a different quiet.”
“Can’t help you there. Sorry,” I lied.
“When you’re ready to talk, let me know.” He put his hand on my thigh and gave me a small squeeze. He didn’t believe me.
“I’m worried about what you’ll think of me.” More like ashamed.
“Don’t.”
I thought for a while, unsure of how to begin. “I felt a sense of dread coming into all of this, because I knew what I was getting into. Now I feel like things are slipping. Megan and Jaron are having a baby, Josie’s getting married and moving away, our future is a little uncertain.” So much, and not just so much, but it felt like everything was changing.
“What’s uncertain about our future?” Brian asked.
“I don’t know—jobs and where we’ll live. That kind of thing.”
“But we’re good.”
“Yes.” I answered. That felt good to say. “We’re good. But it makes me realize how dependent I am on you.”
“And that’s a good thing, right?” he asked. “I’m dependent on you, on you being close to me and wanting me there.”
“Well, I guess so. But the other night? I mean, you’ve worked that job since I’ve known you. It’s never bothered me before and that night I just had to see you.”
“And I liked it very much.” His hand rubbed my leg a few times.
I stopped for a moment. “Andy asked me today if there was ever a time when I knew something. Really, really knew it. Do you know what I thought of?”
“Hm?”
“After my treatments last time, I went in for my doctor’s appointment and they told me it was gone, all of it. I knew right then that I’d never have to worry about it again. I knew. I knew I was cured.”
“And now here you are.” Understanding kicked in. I watched him fall.
“And now here I am,” I said back quietly.
He drove silent for a few minutes, thinking. “Did it ever occur to you that’s what you needed to hear just then? So you could get better? What if you felt like it was going to come back a year later, what would you have done?” he asked.
I hadn’t thought of that. “It’s just hard to trust a voice that once led you astray.”
“Don’t you see, Leigh? If it made you well enough to do it the second time, it didn’t lead you astray. It told you you’d be okay so you lived your life like you’d be okay.” He stopped for a moment. “It brought you to me.” He reached out and touched my face. “And it made you strong. You saw Joseph and met your niece and nephew. It brought you Nathan.”
“Almost.”
“What do you mean almost?”
“I mean, I’m not sealed to him. We haven’t adopted him. He’s not mine.”
“Well, why don’t we see if we can fix that?”
“What?” That was a dead end road.
“Nathan is due for a visit to his mom. I was thinking sometime over his Christmas break but that sort of escaped me. Let’s wait until you’ve had almost the full two weeks to recover and then we’ll head out.”
“There’s no way she’ll sign all that stuff we need her to sign. You’ve already tried.”
“She might.” He exhaled. “I’ve left her alone about it for a while. Maybe the reality of her situation has hit her and she’ll change her mind. I still think I can gain full custody without her.”
“You’ve been thinking on this.”
“I’ve been thinking on this since the day I told you I loved you.”
And that was the best thing he could have said.
- - -
The week began to pass in a haze of wretchedness. I had two days in a row like Christmas Eve, maybe more. Brian paced and once again threatened hospital. He begged for something to do to make me more comfortable. There was nothing to do.
Mom barely stayed on top of laundry and food. I alone kept her pretty busy. Brian helped, of course, but I needed someone almost constantly. In the middle of all that—of being so weak I could hardly move and constantly throwing up—time meant nothing. The days of horribleness crawled by. When the weekend came along, I’d been able to keep down a little frozen yogurt and some shake. The whole week.
All I did was suck the time and energy out of everyone around me.
TWENTY-TWO
Prison
I rested my feet on the dash. Brian had finally relented and let me come, so I sat outside the women’s prison while he and Nathan went inside. I wanted to see my parents at their house anyway. I felt holed up in mine most of the time, and there was still this desperate need to be close to Brian. He understood, so there I sat.
I was bored, but didn’t mind too much. At least there was something to look at. I got out of the car and stretched. It felt good after the long drive. They stepped out of the doors after an hour or so, and Brian looked slumped over, defeated.
“I tried. Sorry, Leigh.” He shrugged and held the small folder with the papers he and Dad printed off.
“Give me those.” I stretched out my hand.
“What?” He stopped walking.
“Let me try. I’ll be right back.” At this point, I didn’t really see what it could hurt.
“You want to go in there?” Brian opened his mouth to protest further, I wasn’t going to hear it.
“Nope.” I smiled. “But I’m going to.” We were all on the visitation paperwork. I could go in.
“Please be careful with yourself. You’re probably more tired than you realize after that long drive.” He started to follow me, but I kept walking, papers in hand, determined to move things forward.
I’d never been in a prison before. I checked myself in on the roster. They’d had my name on file since Brian proposed, just in case Brian couldn’t bring Nathan.
I don’t think Brian thought I’d ever actually use my ability to come in. I followed a guard into a small room. The door closed behind me, and we waited for several minutes before the door in front of us opened. I was in jail, no going back now. Not without the same process.
I stood at the edge of large room that looked like a cafeteria. I wondered what kind of prison had a small table with a glass separation and small phones, it’s actually sort of what I expected. Instead, we were all in here together.
The prisoners were easy to pick out, all of them dressed in blue. I was led to a chair at a table and given a sheet of the rules. No touching, no passing items back and forth without previous approval etc…
I’d never met her before. I’d seen a few pictures, but I wasn’t even sure if I’d recognize her. What was I thinking?
I did recognize Amanda as she got close. She was pretty, despite looking tired. She had a bit of a sulky look on her face and bright blond hair that was swiftly growing out, exposing the brown roots underneath.
“Wow. So he wasn’t lying.” She said as she sat down, giving me the once over.
“What?”
“I just figured that he was lying when he said his new wife had cancer.” She chewed on her gum and shrugged unapologetically.
“Maybe I just shaved my head.” I looked at her evenly.
“No, it’s more than that. You look sick.” There was something juvenile about her movements, like the surly teenager checking out her mom’s new friend.
“Thanks.”
“So, you came in all by yourself to meet the ex-wife.” She smirked, her thin cheeks pale from being inside all the time.
“Something like that.”
“I’m not giving up my son.”
“I wouldn’t either.” I stopped for a moment. I didn’t know what I should say to her. We sat and stared at each other in silence.
“Brian’s changed a lot since we were married.” She looked at me evenly.
“I bet he has.” We both still watched each other carefully.
“He was a disaster, all we did was go out and party and then when Nathan came along, he was completely clueless. I’d send him to the store and he’d come back with the weirdest things.” She rolle
d her eyes and leaned back in her chair chewing her gum, trying hard to look like she didn’t care. But she watched me too close for me to buy that.
I smiled a little. “I remember him saying once that when he came home the simplest stuff was overwhelming.”
She stopped chewing. “He changed a lot when he joined your church.”
“Most people do.” I hadn’t seen it myself, but I had been around enough to understand that I lived my life differently from the people around me.
I realized that she might see me as the woman who was living her life or at least as the woman who was living the life she could have had. I was married to the man she once had, only a better version of him, and I had her son. More than that, I was asking her to give her son to me.
“I honestly don’t know what I would do if I was in your position right now,” I said. I took a deep breath in and waited for something to come out. “The look on Brian’s face since I got my diagnosis is horrible. Really. There’s nothing he can do to take it away and there’s not a whole lot he can do to make me more comfortable.”
She watched me carefully now, losing some of the façade she wore when she first sat down.
“This is the first time that he felt like he had a chance to do something for me.” I stopped again. “I can’t imagine anything more terrifying than being separated from my children. I can’t imagine it. But I don’t have any kids. You’re Nathan’s mom. Nothing will ever change that. No piece of paper, no court orders, no crazy Mormon sealings. You’ll simply have to trust me.”
She raised an eyebrow but still listened.
“You will have to trust that I will continue to send you your son’s school work in the mail so you know what he’s doing and that I will continue to pick up the phone each and every time you call and that I will continue to spend money we don’t have for him to see you.” She never called, but still needed to know I wouldn’t stop it.
“This is a big deal for you, isn’t it?” She was thinking. Hard.
I nodded, and my throat swelled up. It was all the answer I could do.
We sat in silence for a few more moments. She leaned back in her chair again, folding her arms in front of her. She knew we could just take him. I was sure Brian would have threatened that. Probably every time they talked. She looked at everything but me.
I held back tears from thoughts of that little boy we loved so much, wondering if she was doing the same. I wasn’t sure what she’d do. She’d be in here for another ten years at least, that’s what Brian said. She’d already lost. She knew she’d lost the chance to watch her son grow up the way she could have. I was asking her for even more.
“Nathan is…” she sighed. “Brian wants to just take him, you know that?”
“I stopped him.”
“Oh.” She chewed her bottom lip. “I know I wasn’t a good mom to him. I mean, I know moms are supposed to feel a certain way, to want to give everything over. I guess that’s why…”
Something told me to keep quiet. I didn’t know what to say, or how to change things. I couldn’t think of anything I wouldn’t do for Nathan.
“I’ll sign the papers.” She sat up, not looking at me. She pulled them from underneath my hands and I watched her find all the highlighted marks. She signed each and every one.
She stared at the papers. “I don’t like to feel like I’m losing. I know that kid shouldn’t be a power struggle. But don’t…”
“I won’t tell Brian anything.” I didn’t know if that’s what she was after or not.
“I don’t believe in any of that crazy Mormon crap anyway.” She added on the last sentence in a hard voice.
“I promise.” I nodded. “Thank you. You have no idea…” I shook my head.
She stood, turned, and walked away before I could say anything else.
I knew I should be elated, but I felt confused as I walked back to the door that led outside. She could still change her mind. I had no doubt that she’d get some phone calls and things still might not work out right. A part of me also felt guilty. Could I take Nathan to the temple if I felt guilty? I wasn’t sure.
I just wanted out. Back in Brian’s arms. It took ten minutes just to be led back out of the doors. Brian stood outside the car while Nathan played in the rocks in the median. I walked straight to Nathan.
“I love you. You know that?” I squeezed him tightly.
“Yes.” He giggled in my arms.
“We ready to go?” Brian asked. He had to be bursting with questions but kept quiet as he helped Nathan get settled into the backseat.
As soon as he finished getting Nathan settled, Brian put his arms around me and we stood pressed together.
“So, I was going crazy out here the whole time. How was that?”
“She signed the papers.”
“What?” He pulled away from me, staring.
I let out a slow breath. “I feel horrible about it, but she signed them.”
“Why would you feel horrible?”
“Because I feel like I’m stealing him away from her.”
“No, she has a part that will never be taken away. Now you can too.” He took my face in his hands and kissed me. “If she wasn’t in jail I’d be fighting in court for him right now. Actually, if she wasn’t in jail, you’d have been able to adopt him by now because I wouldn’t have stopped the process.”
“Thank you,” I said quietly.
“Let’s get out of here.”
“Let’s.”
We rode in silence for a few minutes.
“It was… odd. Seeing her,” I said.
“Yeah. I bet.” He smiled at me. “It was weird having you in there and me out here. I always figured that if you two met, I’d be around, you know?”
“Me too.”
Brian studied the road too carefully as if trying to decide whether or not to voice his thoughts. Our marriage may have been new, but I knew him well.
“Just say it, Bri.” I pulled my feet up onto the seat and he laughed.
“I really wanted to do that for you.”
“Well, maybe now you realize that things we do together are a lot easier than things we try to do on our own.” I’d started to feel a little smug.
He looked at me intently for a brief moment. “You remember that, Leigh.”
Oh right, that probably applied to me, too.
- - -
I felt better than I had since before I’d gotten sick. Most of it had to do with accomplishing some-thing we thought might never get done—having signed papers from Amanda felt like a sort of victory. I felt like a normal person for the first time in nearly four months.
When we walked into my room, I shut the door behind us and flipped the lock, giving Brian a smile.
“Your parents are downstairs.” He cocked a brow.
I nodded.
“And Nathan’s still awake.”
I leaned up on my tip-toes and kissed him.
“And you have to be tired.”
“I am.” I pulled him towards me and kissed him again.
I crawled back into my bed and he followed. We kissed a few more times, but his warmth and my exhaustion slowly started to pull me under. Brain held me gently in his arms until I fell asleep. It was becoming a routine I hoped would never change.
- - -
Our drive home on Saturday was long and exhausting.
It felt nice to be in church on Sunday, even though I already know we’d only be here for sacrament. We sang the hymn that had gotten me through my illness last time, More Holiness Give Me. I opened my mouth to sing, but my throat was raw, tired. I silently listened to the words, which wasn’t at all the same.
I rested my head on Brian in defeat. He set the hymnbook down and put both arms around me—totally understanding my frustration. I suddenly just wanted to go home.
One thought ran through my head—I was fading away. My ability to do small things on my own. My hair. My voice… what would be next until I completely disappeared?
TWENTY-THREE
Group
“Leigh?” Megan popped her head in my front door. “Our oven is broken.” She frowned. “I was hoping we could use yours? For dessert?”
