Left to Love (The Next Door Boys)

by Jolene Perry

  “Leigh…” He wasn’t finished.

  “I’m tired, Bri.” Really, it was so much easier being alone. The world around me faded and blurred and time passed more quickly.

  He stood there unmoving for a minute or two. “Okay,” he whispered. His hand slowly let go of mine and I heard the scrape of the chair on the floor as he sat down. I could feel the sadness and disappointment coming off of him in waves to torture me.

  I closed my eyes and tried to block it all out. The needle in my arm. Brian in the corner. The weight pulling and pushing my body from all angles, hoping I could just slip away and disappear . . .

  “Mrs. Wright.” I heard Dr. Watts voice.

  “Yes, amazingly enough I’m still here.” I opened my eyes.

  “You and I need to talk,” he said sitting down.

  “Hey Bri? Could you excuse us?” I asked.

  “Nope. Brian stays here,” Dr. Watts said.

  “But—”

  “Brian stays here.” It was final.

  I slumped down.

  “Have you come to give me a pep talk and tell me how I’m so, so close to being done and how everything will all just be perfect and happy?” I used the best sarcastic voice I could find with my raspy throat.

  “Well, we are just a happy ray of sunshine today aren’t we?” He smiled.

  I really hated how the things I said just rolled off of him like that. I didn’t respond.

  “Well, since I haven’t heard from you, I’m going to assume you’ve done nothing along the lines of what I asked you to do on the phone.”

  Brian froze.

  “Yeah, well…” I started to explain that I didn’t want to talk to anybody, but he didn’t let me finish.

  “I’m prescribing you anti-depressants and you will take them.” He looked at me, and then he looked back at Brian. He wanted to make sure we all knew what he wanted done.

  “Fine. Whatever you want. Hand me one now if you’ve got one on you.” I held my hand out.

  Dr. Watts stopped for a minute, not sure what to say. “I hate seeing you like this, Leigh. It doesn’t suit you. Please spend some time thinking about what we’re doing here.”

  “It’s all I do. My body won’t let me do anything else.” I looked up at him then and he nodded once. He handed a slip of paper to Brian, and left the room.

  “What did he ask you to do when he called, Leigh?” Brian sounded tired and frustrated.

  “Are you my babysitter now?” I looked over at him. I wanted to be left alone.

  “Nope. Still your husband.” His sad eyes hit me again. I couldn’t take it.

  “He thinks I should see a counselor. Before you agree, save your breath. I’ll take the dumb pills.”

  Brian started to say something else but stopped. Thankfully.

  - - -

  The thought of sharing my bed when I felt this sick was overwhelming. I asked Brian to take the couch. He slept on the floor in the hallway instead, which was ridiculous.

  He claimed he wanted to be close for when I needed something. Mom helped as usual, doing all the household stuff and with Nathan when she could.

  I just didn’t have the strength for him anymore. Everything was exhausting. I could hear Mom and Brian whisper about me. She didn’t remember anything like this from the first time and had no idea what to do. I hated being talked about like I didn’t have a say in how I felt or what happened. I also didn’t know how to describe the way I felt aside from my desperate need to be alone and how heavy the world was.

  How do you explain that everything feels like lead without sounding crazy?

  - - -

  “Leigh. I have it all worked out.” Brian’s smile filled his face as he came in the front door.

  “What do you have all worked out?” I asked. My recovery now took almost the full two weeks. I wasn’t doing well. I knew I wasn’t doing well. It was the Wednesday before my next treatment and the thought of getting out of bed was still too much.

  “For Nathan and the temple. Bishop said he could make a call if you think you can make it, and we could probably go just about any time.”

  “Really?” My heart felt lighter than it had since Andy, but it didn’t last long. I thought about getting dressed and driving to the temple. Getting dressed again there. Walking through the temple and kneeling at the altar. Then going through it all again so we could go home. I felt defeated. There was no way I could do it. I was too weak. I pressed my fingertips to the outside edges of my eyes to keep the tears from falling.

  “Leigh?” Concern tinged his voice.

  “I just don’t think I’m strong enough,” I whispered.

  “That’s okay.” He smiled and put his hand on my shoulder. “We’ll go in a couple of months, when you’re feeling better.”

  “What if I’m not feeling better?” I asked.

  “You’ll be feeling better.”

  “But what if I’m not?” I insisted.

  “The only reason you’re not feeling well now is because you don’t want to!” Brian voice filled with frustration.

  “Can’t you accept that this might not turn out well?”

  “Can you accept that it might?” He said straight back to me.

  “Brian, we need to talk about what you should do if I don’t—”

  “Okay, then we should plan for me, too.”

  “What are you talking about?” I asked.

  “Well, tomorrow I could go for a run and be smashed by an oncoming car, or keel over from a heart attack. What do we do?”

  “Brian, that’s ridiculous.”

  “And you’re being ridiculous, too.”

  “Brian, we need to talk about this.”

  “No, Leigh, we don’t. It’s not going to happen. If you still want to talk about it in five days, we’ll talk.”

  “Five days?” I asked. “Why five days?”

  “Because you might forget that you’re having this fit of depression in which case I’ll be spared the conversation. If, in five days, you still feel the need to have it and it’ll make you feel better, we will.”

  “Fine.” I wasn’t happy about how this had turned out.

  He didn’t care. He walked out of the room and threw the papers down on the table.

  TWENTY-EIGHT

  Called On It

  Four days later.

  “There’s a surprise coming for you today.” Brian stepped into our bedroom to help me out. I was two days from my second to last treatment. I was down to a few days of feeling just good enough to move around a little bit. Both my body and mind drifted in numbness.

  “A surprise, huh?” How on earth was I going to work up the proper enthusiasm?

  “Yep.” His smile was wide, and I felt immediately worried. “Wanna sit in your hammock while we wait for Nathan to come home?”

  “Why not?” My shoulders slumped in defeat as he helped me onto my hammock.

  “Mind if I sit outside with you?” he asked.

  I shook my head. I heard him pull out his computer and then the familiar clacking of his fingers on the keyboard. At this angle the sun shined on me and felt absolutely divine. I closed my eyes and soaked it up. After a while I heard a car pull up in front and stop.

  I didn’t recognize the car. Joseph got out. I had the same reaction I’d had last time I was sick when Jaron had come home early from his mission. Like I was dying, and no one told me. Brian watched me and read my reaction.

  “You’re absolutely fine, Leigh. He said something about possibly heading all the way to St. George to see your parents, but he wanted to come here first.”

  “Oh.” I felt so surprised that I didn’t have words.

  The shock of my appearance was all over Joseph’s face. My hair was gone, and my skin looked terrible, pale and sallow. I’d probably lost close to thirty pounds, maybe more, and I hadn’t had thirty pounds to lose.

  “Hey there, Leigh.” He tried to smile when he reached the top of the steps.

  “Careful, Joseph. You
’re in Mormon country.” I was glad to see him and I wanted him to see that I was okay. Even though I wasn’t.

  He smiled wider then. “Don’t I know it? There are practically as many meeting houses as gas stations, maybe more.” He walked closer to me as if to give me a hug. “You look so fragile, Leigh. I’m afraid to hug you.” At least he was being honest. It was such a refreshing change.

  “I’m sure I’ll survive a hug.”

  He leaned over and carefully put his arms around me.

  “Do you want to walk with me in the house or share a snack or something?” Brian asked.

  I sighed. I felt like I had no breathing room. “No Brian. I’m fine.” There was no hiding my exhaustion and irritation with the same questions over and over.

  He paused for a second. “Well, I’ll leave you two then. I told Stuart I’d drop by this afternoon.” He put away his computer without another word.

  “Yep,” I said. I didn’t look his direction. Brian shook Joseph’s hand and walked next door.

  “What was that?” Joseph stared, mouth open.

  “What are you talking about?”

  “That!” He gestured to Brian. “Don’t you talk to him like that. He’s just trying to help.”

  “Everyone’s just trying to help! It’s making me absolutely crazy! I can’t roll over or cough or do anything or do nothing to have someone ask me if I need something. I’m sick of it!” My throat was still scratchy and hoarse.

  “Leigh, you’re acting like a spoiled brat.”

  Who was Joseph to walk in here and tell me what I should or shouldn’t be doing? “Oh what, did Brian call you to say that I was being cooperative? Because I’ve done everything he’s asked.”

  “No, he didn’t.” He thought for a moment, maybe trying to decide if he should continue. “Jaron and I have talked a few times. He’s voiced some worries over his best friend and how his little sister is tearing him up inside.”

  “I have cancer! My life isn’t exactly peachy right now either!” He didn’t know what this was like. He had no clue of what I went through week by week. He didn’t live here and didn’t come to visit. As much as I’d wanted him in my life, he wasn’t.

  “I don’t care what you have or what’s going on. You’re breaking that man apart and there’s absolutely no excuse for it. It can’t be doing you any favors either, acting like this. There’s two ways to do everything, Leigh, and you’re screwing this up big time.” He didn’t yell, but his voice was forceful, annoyed, disapproving.

  “I’m tired,” I said.

  “Oh, that must be code for ‘go away and leave me alone.’ That may work with everyone else around here when they want to talk to you about something you don’t want to talk about, but it won’t work on me. I don’t care if you’re tired. Everyone’s tired.”

  He stopped for a moment and took a breath in. When he spoke again, his voice was softer. “Leigh, I have never seen someone more devastated in my life. I called Brian to warn him I was coming about a week ago. You should have heard him on the phone. He sounded awful. Not because his wife is sick, but because he feels like she doesn’t want him anymore. Like he’s not doing enough, like he was right from the beginning and wasn’t good enough. He deserves better from you.”

  His words hit hard. I just didn’t want to feel, not right now. “You’ve made your point. Can I rest now?”

  “Almost.” Joseph’s jaw still clenched tight. It was hard seeing someone look at me like that, especially when I really wanted him to approve of me. “I talked to Jaron, too. He said the same thing. The people around you don’t want to see you give up like this. You’ll probably live in spite of yourself, but who wants to feel like the person they love doesn’t care enough to fight a little? The reason people hover over you is because they love you. There are worse things than to be loved to the point that you have people wanting to be there for you.”

  “I…” I didn’t know what to say. “I’ve got nothing left, Joseph.” I felt a tear slide down my cheek. “I feel like I don’t have the energy to do anything. I want to sleep until it’s over, and I just don’t care which way it goes right now.”

  Joseph’s whole body softened then. “Tell your husband, Leigh. Tell your doctor. This isn’t just you being sick. This is depression. I don’t care how much medicine they give you for that, you need people around you to carry you through this.”

  “I don’t want to be carried. I want to walk on my own two feet.”

  He laughed a little, “I don’t think that’s a possibility right now, Leigh. You look terrible.”

  “Oh, thanks.” I smiled a little. Still too much rolling through my head.

  “This is what all that family stuff’s supposed to be about right? Being there for one another? You have a husband who would cut off his own arm if he thought it would make you better.” He stopped for a minute, sensing the change in my demeanor. “Well, you know I mean all of this in the best possible way.”

  I nodded.

  “I’m going to follow your husband next door. I’d like to see Jaron. You sit here and think on your own for a few. We’re all carried once in a while. Remember that.”

  “Someone’s been doing some thinking.” I looked up at him.

  “It’s coming from a guy who’s let a wonderful woman carry him through a lot. I hope that someday I’m able to repay the favor.” His eyes kept mine. “Brian said he finally got all permissions for you to take Nathan to the temple.”

  “Yeah.”

  “He must have worked hard to get that done for all of you.”

  “He did.” Aside from getting the papers signed, I’d been nothing but difficult along those lines.

  “I know it’s a big deal for you Mormon people.” He smiled.

  “Careful there. You’re still part of that.”

  He nodded once in partial agreement.

  “I don’t think I can do it right now,” I said. “I don’t have the strength.”

  “Well, it wouldn’t hurt to make sure he knows you’re looking forward to it.”

  “Yeah,” I agreed.

  “Well, I’m going to go see my little brother.” He stood up. “I know you’re tired Leigh, but just take a few minutes to see if you could do something here to help yourself out.”

  I sat by myself on the porch and let the tears slide down my cheeks. Joseph had come all this way to a mess. Brian had worked so hard for so long. I felt horrible. It took me a long time to figure out why, which was stupid. It should have been obvious. I had wallowed in self-pity for a ridiculously long time and had hurt the people around me. I could feel my chest breaking apart, knowing what I’d done to Brian. I thought about how hard he’d been trying to be whatever I needed him to be, and all I’d been able to see was someone whose suffering I hated more than my own. I hadn’t wanted to see that, so I’d turned it into something different.

  Everyone had gathered over at Stuart and Julie’s place. I remembered gatherings here at the beginning of my illness. I did feel worse than before, but did I really feel so bad that I couldn’t have people around? I still felt heavy. I didn’t know how to climb out of the weight, but I did know I wanted Brian back. Needed him back.

  The bus came up the street and instead of heading to Stuart’s house where everyone had conglomerated, Nathan ran up the porch to see me.

  “Hey Mom! Wanna see what I did in school today?”

  I wondered how many days I’d put him off and hadn’t given him the proper attention. “Of course I do.” I smiled and carefully shuffled myself so I could lie on my side. I still half floated when I heard him call me Mom.

  He pulled out a large paper that had been carefully rolled up in his backpack. He’d drawn a picture of me in my hammock with huge amounts of wavy auburn hair.

  “That’s great, Nathan.” His teacher had commented many times at how advanced his drawing was. I wasn’t surprised.

  “See? I gave you hair. Lots and lots of it.”

  “Thanks. I need hair.” I grabb
ed my head with both hands and smiled at him. He laughed.

  “You’re funny.”

  “Hey, Nathan? Do you miss your mom?” Am I stealing you?

  “ I should miss my mom.” He watched his feet on the porch.

  “Do you know what it means to go to the temple? With your dad and me?”

  “Yeah.” His smile spread wide. “Do we finally get to do that? So you’re my mommy for real?”