Snared (Jaded Regret #1)

by L. L. Collins

  I wondered if they had told him yet.

  “My dad felt drawn to her, so he kept going to check on her. She, of course, pulled through, and they’ve been inseparable ever since. She’ll tell you my dad saved her life. She’s worked tirelessly through their whole marriage to raise money and awareness for adoption and foster kids. My dad always wanted me to be a doctor like him. After Lucia . . .” My voice cracked. It had been so long, but it was still painful to talk about.

  “She was your sister, right?” Beau shocked the hell out of me by knowing something I hadn’t told him. He’d done homework on me?

  I nodded. “I-I don’t remember much about her. I was just a baby when she got sick, and a toddler when she passed away. Sometimes I have dreams of her I think are real, but I just don’t know. It’s too painful for my parents to talk about. My dad was always worried losing Lucia would send my mom into a tailspin, but it didn’t. She wasn’t the same person anymore, the broken one he’d found in the hospital. She was the wife of Dr. Knight. Anyway, I always said I was going to be a doctor like him until I got into college. I felt a pull, a calling toward social work. It’s a tough job and is often very thankless. But I don’t regret it for a second.”

  “Did he become a neurologist because of her?”

  I nodded. “They had Lucia before they were married, only a year after they met, so my dad was still doing his residency. He decided to focus on neurology once she got sick. Now he’s one of the most sought after pediatric neurologists in the country.”

  “Do you take kids from their homes?” Beau asked the question so quietly I almost missed it.

  “Yes, sometimes I do have to do that,” I said. “But other times, I get to take them back home, too.”

  “What has been the hardest case of your career so far?”

  There was no way I could tell him everything I’d seen over the years. Most of it would be too painful for him to think about with his history. I found myself thinking of Robbie again. “There’s been so many, Beau. But this week, I’ve been so stressed out because I got a new little boy in and I’m so worried about him.”

  “Why?”

  I thought of Robbie’s big brown eyes and shaggy hair, his face angry and determined. “He’s nine years old and has been in and out of foster care his whole life. His mom had a drug problem, and he was born addicted. Since then, he’s been taken from her at least five times and then given back.”

  Beau glanced down at the table, his fingers tapping a beat on the grain of the wood. He mumbled under his breath, but I couldn’t hear what he said.

  “This time,” I started, but my throat closed up on me. I tried to swallow but I couldn’t past the huge lump that had formed. Tears stung behind my eyes. I couldn’t cry in front of him. I wouldn’t. Beau lifted his face and watched me, waiting for me to continue. “S-she overdosed. Her child had to call 9–1-1. That’s when social services got involved and found out his history. She died in the hospital. I don’t know if he knows yet that he has no one left in the world.”

  “No other family?” For a second, Beau’s eyes seemed glassy, but when his eyes met mine again, it was gone.

  I shook my head. “No father. We don’t have any idea where the mother’s family is. He’s a ward of the state now and is in the group home you guys will be visiting tomorrow. When I left him there, he hadn’t uttered a word. I’ve seen a lot of sadness, Beau, but this one is just hitting me too hard.”

  Beau watched me as I struggled to keep my composure. I looked like an emotional basket case in front of him, but it was how I felt. This was not just a job to me.

  “Parents don’t always love their kids,” Beau finally said. “Not all people should be parents.”

  I nodded. “That is true.” I didn’t pry for more information, knowing he would tell me whatever he wanted.

  “So you have no other siblings?”

  “No. My mom and I would always go volunteer with foster kids or at the hospital. I was always busy as a child, so I never missed having a sibling. Plus, my mom was young when I was born, so it was almost like having a friend.”

  Beau stared at me, not blinking. “A friend?”

  “We were very close—still are.”

  He turned away, examining a speck of nothing on the wall. “My mom hated me.”

  I wasn’t sure what to say to that. Should I say it wasn’t true? But what if it was? So I said nothing, just waited to see if he would elaborate. He started tapping again, closing his eyes. I put one hand over his, and his eyes flew open at my touch.

  “Anyone who hates you is a fool, especially the person who held you in her body and promised to take care of you.”

  Beau shook his head, a look so painful crossing his face it hurt me deep in my core. “I should’ve never been born,” he whispered.

  I was sure the fissure that had cracked my heart from the situation with Robbie just splintered and fell into shards, piercing me from the inside out.

  Beau

  WHY THE HELL did you say that to her, you moron? April was silent, and I didn’t blame her. What the hell would someone say to that? She hardly knew me, and here I was telling her what I thought of myself. I also told her my mom hated me? What had gotten into me? Those were things that needed to stay inside my head. No one needed to know what went on in that crazy place.

  She said she and her mom were like friends; that was what had done it to me. That was so far beyond anything I could understand, and I couldn’t stop the words from coming out of my mouth. I had the feeling my head was floating above my body somewhere because I had been doing things that were unlike me from the second I saw her tonight.

  Kissing her hand? Her cheek? Holding her hand and bringing her back to my room? I thought Natalie’s eyes were going to bug out of her head when I told her to let April and I have some time alone. I hadn’t missed her grin when she’d turned away, though. I figured I might not see Natalie again tonight. As long as she wasn’t in Tanner’s room, we were good.

  April’s job affected me. Hearing her talk about the little boy who was brought in and seeing her emotional reaction to a child she didn’t even know made me want to punch things. Why were parents so fucked up? What in the world made this mother choose that life once she looked at the face of her child? Then again, my mother abandoned me because she hated who I was becoming. I guess her love only ran surface deep, and once there were problems, she was out of there. I wondered where she was and if she knew I was successful now. If she cared at all.

  April cared. It was written all over her face. She wasn’t like my mom. She wasn’t like Robyn.

  “Beau.” When she said my name, something inside me stirred, and I wasn’t sure I liked it. It was an experience so strange I wanted to rub it out of my chest. My fingers itched to drum, to release the nervous energy flowing through me.

  When I didn’t respond, I felt her stand up and move around to my side of the table. I didn’t want to lift my face to see the expression on hers, but I couldn’t stop it. My body took over my head again.

  April leaned over so she was staring directly into my eyes. “Whatever happened to you with your parents does not define who you are. You absolutely should’ve been born, Beau. The world is a better place with you in it.”

  She only said that because I was a good drummer. What other reason would she have to think that the world was better with me in it? I turned away, but she put her hand on my face and steered me back to look at her.

  “Don’t do that.”

  “Do what?” I didn’t recognize my voice.

  “Shut down. Turn away from me. I know you don’t believe me, Beau. I see it. But I’m going to make it my mission to make you believe it.”

  Her mission? “I know you don’t want to hear this, but I understand your feelings. Not because I’ve lived them, but because my mom has, and so have all the kids I work with every day. You aren’t alone in your thoughts, even if you think you are. You found one purpose for your life, being a drummer. Now y
ou need to find the rest of it.”

  “April.” My chest ached with an emotion I didn’t understand. I wanted her in so many ways. She thought I didn’t notice the sexy outfit she’d worn to the concert tonight, but I’d be dead if I didn’t. Her legs seemed miles long in her short skirt, and her full breasts spilled out of her low-cut shirt. Add her sexy makeup and hair and I wanted to spread her out on my bed and have my way with her. What she didn’t know, however, was I thought she was sexier in her work clothes or jeans and a T-shirt. I didn’t need to her throw herself at me like groupies did.

  But I was too afraid to act on anything she made me feel. I couldn’t have sex with her, even if my dick was tired of my hand and was eager to be around her.

  “I love when you say my name,” she whispered, scooting back so she was sitting on the table in front of me. If I looked, I could probably see up her skirt.

  “Why?”

  “You don’t see it, do you, Beau?”

  I shook my head. Why was April so interested in knowing me? Most people gave up after the first few times I shut them out.

  “You’re unbelievable.” April leaned over and put her hand on my face. Her thumb caressed the short hairs on my jaw, sending a trail of fire throughout my body.

  You’re worthless. No one wants you. I closed my eyes against the words, willing my head to shut up so I could experience April’s soft touch and hear her kind words. No one will ever love you. You’re nothing.

  I sucked in a breath, trying to quiet my head before I ruined the moment. My heart pounded in my chest, and my fingers worked on my legs in rapid succession.

  “What’s happening?” April’s soft voice floated into my conscience. “Beau. Look at me.”

  I couldn’t open my eyes. I sensed April get off the table and crouch in front of me, as if I had watched her with my own eyes. Her short breaths floated over my face as she said something I couldn’t hear. The next thing I knew, her soft lips tenderly ran along my jaw and up to my ear, where she stopped.

  “Stay with me, Beau. I’m right here,” she whispered into my ear. “Come back. It’s just us. No one else is here. Open your eyes. I’m right here.”

  I groaned, but allowed myself to feel every kiss she pressed along my jaw to the other side, her lips stopping just short of my other ear. “That’s it. Relax, Beau.” And then her hands covered mine, stopping my incessant drumming. She laced her fingers with mine and lifted our joined hands. “Open your eyes and see me. I’m right here. Just me.”

  I blew out a strangled breath, frustrated that I couldn’t do it.

  She leaned over again, and then surprised me when she pressed her lips to each of my eyes, then down my nose until I knew she was going to kiss my lips. I wanted to stop her because I knew what it would do to me, but I couldn’t move. “I want you to trust me.” Her words were mere breaths against my lips. “I know that doesn’t happen easily for you, and I understand. I’ll take as much or as little as you’ll give me. But my first goal is to show you how worthy you are.”

  My heart ricocheted off my ribcage, waiting for what she’d do next. My eyes finally flew open when she backed up and then settled on my lap, her hands on either side of my face as we stared directly into each other’s eyes. Time stood still while we had a silent conversation, neither of us moving and barely breathing. I could see small flecks of gold in the beautiful brown around her dilated pupils. Her skin was flawless, just like her. Her body was touching me in places I hadn’t been touched in so long, and I knew if I looked, her skirt would be hiked up to her waist while she straddled me. She wasn’t moving, but if she did, I knew I’d be a goner.

  “Kiss me.” April finally broke the silence between us. “Please, Beau.”

  She was perfect. I was broken. I had no business doing this with her. But my hands came up anyway and framed her face. I rubbed my thumb across her lips and she kissed the tip of it, sending lust directly to my groin.

  I leaned up enough to capture her lips with mine, a groan reverberating through my chest as our tongues touched for the first time. She tasted like sugar and something else amazingly April. She put her arms around my neck and ran her fingers through the hair on the base of my neck, moving her lips and tongue against mine.

  April shifted so we were closer and I felt her heat, making me want to rub against her to relieve the pressure. I forced myself to sit still as our kiss deepened. I allowed my hands to run down her arms and to her back, pulling her body closer to me.

  April’s tongue entwined with mine may have just been the best damn thing ever. When she sucked my tongue into her mouth, I swore I could’ve blown at any second. Our kiss was urgent and hurried one moment, and then tender and sensual the next. I never wanted it to end.

  She moved her hands down my neck and to my chest and abs, then back up. I wasn’t sure who started slowing the kiss first, but before I knew it, her forehead was against mine, both of our chests heaving. “Beau.” Her sweet voice fell onto my lips like woven silk, her arms locked behind my neck. April tilted her head back so we were looking at each other again. I had never been so wide open and exposed in all my life. Everything in me was screaming to get away from her.

  But something stronger kept me right here. She dropped her head down and kissed me softly a few more times, scraping her nails through the short hairs on the sides of my head.

  “I don’t know how to do this,” I finally admitted.

  April smiled. “Oh, I think you do.”

  I wanted to smile; the urge was there. You’re a worthless piece of shit. I closed my eyes, wishing for her to kiss me again and take the voice away.

  “Don’t go there,” she said. “Open your eyes and see me, Beau. See me right here. Wanting you. Not just your body. You. Open them.”

  Her voice was enough to overshadow the other and I listened, that weird sensation taking over my chest again when she smiled at me. “There you are. Your eyes are so beautiful. I love the color of them, and how I can read whatever you’re feeling when I look into them.”

  Whatever I was feeling? She couldn’t know those parts of me. No one wanted to see all of me, no matter what they said.

  “Don’t,” she said. “I see it, right now. The doubt is taking you over. Don’t doubt that I want to know all of you. I do. The good, the bad, and the in-between.”

  I shook my head. No one wanted to see it. I didn’t want to, but I didn’t have a choice.

  “Let me in,” April said. “I’m not afraid.”

  My eyes met hers. “But I am.”

  “You can be yourself, Beau. I know trusting people doesn’t come easily to you, but I’m not going to hurt you. Think about what you know of me so far. Give me a chance to prove to you what I’m saying.”

  I wanted so many things with her, things I didn’t deserve to have. I’d lived so long telling myself I was too damaged to let someone else into my head, but I found myself wanting her here. She . . . quieted me.

  “I don’t know how,” I admitted.

  “This . . . tonight? This was a start. Have you done this before?”

  “No, and I knew I shouldn’t do it tonight, either. But I couldn’t stop myself.”

  “Why? What was different?”

  I’d already said too much. I knew I had. “There’s something about you.”

  April smiled, her face lighting up at my words. I’d done that? “There’s something about you, too, Beau Anderson. So many wonderful things.”

  Natalie pulled into what seemed like a large residential home, killing the engine of our rented SUV. Everyone started piling out, but I froze with my hand on the door handle. I didn’t want to do this. I admired Bex for everything she did for foster kids, but it put my head in a place I didn’t want it to be, and my head was already fucked up today.

  After April had left my room last night, I had stared at the ceiling for hours. Natalie had come in at some point but hadn’t asked me a single question. I loved how she knew just when to leave me be, and last night was o
ne of those times. All night, my head reeled with things I couldn’t grasp. I replayed every second of my time with April over and over again until I convinced myself it was just her being nice. I wasn’t going to pursue anything with her because I didn’t deserve her. She needed a good guy, one who could give her everything.

  Not me.

  When I’d finally passed out, I’d had dreams of April locking me up in an institution, her face morphing into my mother as she told me no one would ever love me because I was unlovable.

  It hadn’t been until this morning when Natalie had said something about her. All she’d said was, “Let her in, Beau,” and dropped it.

  I was going to see her this morning. I knew the dream meant nothing, but in my screwed up head, it did.

  “Beau.” Bex stood at the door. Everyone else was a few feet away, waiting for me to get out.

  I lifted my eyes to meet hers but said nothing.

  “It’s going to be okay, bro. You’re not okay today?”

  I was fucking sick of being the one everyone had to pussy foot around. “I’m fine, Bex.”

  “Nat said you and April hung out last night.”

  “Fucking loudmouth.”

  Bex laughed. “That’s great, Beau. She’s a great girl.”

  “It’s nothing,” I said, stepping out of the car.

  Bex lifted her eyebrow at me. “When was the last time you hung out with anyone other than us?”

  She had me there. “It was a one-time thing.”

  “Did you sleep with her?” Bex asked it like it was the most incredulous thing that could happen, but then again, I guessed it was.

  “No. Drop it, Bex.”

  She slung her arm around my waist as we walked up to the door of the home. Just as Johnny was about to open the door, April swung it open. I felt like I’d been sucker-punched in the stomach at the sight of her. I immediately remembered the sensation of her lips against mine and the way our tongues tangled together in an intimate dance.