Snared (Jaded Regret #1)

by L. L. Collins

  “She’s in shock.” A paramedic appeared. “Come on, honey. Let’s sit you in the rig while they get the divers out there. Let’s give her a moment. It isn’t every day you see someone jump off a bridge right in front of you.”

  A large blanket come across my shoulders, and then they led me away from the bridge. More police lined the park, and I saw one step up to the pier directly below the bridge, suited up with a dive suit.

  I began sobbing again. “B-beau.” I turned to the officers. “You have to find him!”

  The paramedic opened the back door of the ambulance, and I sat, my eyes trained ahead as I watched the team on the ground try to find a sign of Beau in the murky water.

  “Miss? Can you help us? The more information we know, the more we can help. You said his name was Beau? Was he suicidal?”

  Was Beau suicidal? An hour ago I would’ve said no. But now? I had no idea. What had I missed? We’d had such a great day with Robbie. Then Robbie had asked him to come to his room.

  I picked up my phone. I needed to call Trent. He had to ask Robbie what happened. I knew the boy was only nine years old, but he was my only clue. “I-I don’t know, but I have an idea. Just a second.”

  The officer’s radio crackled, and he turned to the team still standing on the pier. “We think we’ve spotted him. Mills and Gilman are heading down there now.”

  Trent picked up after less than a ring. “What the hell happened, April?”

  “Beau jumped from the bridge.” I didn’t recognize my own voice. “I need Robbie.” My voice cracked. “I need him to get on the phone and talk to me, Trent. It’s the only way I can figure out what happened.”

  “Just a second.” I could hear him moving through the house. “Robbie? April is on the phone. Can you talk to her for a minute?” There was silence for too long, and then a sigh from Trent. “He won’t take the phone, April. He’s huddled on his bed and hasn’t moved since Beau ran out of here.”

  I squeezed my eyes shut. I couldn’t leave here to talk to Robbie. Hell, he probably wouldn’t even speak to me. The only reason he’d talked to me before was because of Beau. I had to wait for them to get Beau out of that water.

  “Okay.” A sob ripped through my chest. “Can you call my office and tell them I won’t be back today? Don’t tell them . . .” I broke off, unable to continue.

  “I won’t,” Trent said. “Call someone to be there with you, April.”

  I thought my life had been changed in a good way, but if they didn’t pull Beau out of that water alive, they might as well bury me with him. After what I’d seen, I wouldn’t ever be the same again.

  I had to call Natalie. She was three hours away, but she needed to get here. My shaking fingers hovered over her name, knowing within seconds her life was going to be changed as well.

  “Hey, April! How are you?” Her cheerful voice was my undoing, and I began sobbing loudly again, not able to make any coherent words come from my mouth. “April? What’s wrong? What happened? April!”

  The paramedic took the phone from me and began talking to Natalie. “I’m here with April. My name is Lilly St. John. I’m a paramedic.” She paused, and I heard Natalie’s loud voice. “I’m sorry, ma’am, I can’t tell you any medical information over the phone.”

  Lilly handed me back the phone. “She wants you.”

  “Nat, I need you. Please hurry.”

  “What the hell happened, April?” I could hear her calling to the other members of Jaded Regret. There was shuffling and muffled voices.

  “He . . . jumped, Nat.” My throat clogged.

  “He jumped? Jumped from what?”

  I held my chest, my heart feeling like it was ripping from its walls. “The bridge.”

  “He jumped off a bridge?”

  “I-I don’t know what made him do it. We had a great day. He has to survive, Nat. I can’t . . .”

  “I know. We’re on our way. You need to let me know when they find him. Okay? We need you to keep us up to date.” A sob ripped from her throat.

  Lilly’s sympathetic eyes found mine. “They’re the best in the state. They’ll find him.”

  “They have to,” I whispered.

  “Is he your boyfriend?”

  Visions of Beau sliding inside me, his large brown eyes watching me as we took each other over the edge filled my mind. He had to be okay. I didn’t care what I had to do to make things better for him. Whatever he had to go through, I’d be there with him. I couldn’t lose him. I nodded, and she wrapped her arm around my shoulders. I leaned into her and sobbed.

  It seemed like hours, but was probably only minutes, when I heard shouts from the pier. I stood up, my legs carrying me as fast as I could go to where they were. Before I could register what was happening, Lilly and her partner flew past me with the gurney and equipment. They’d found him?

  By the time I reached them, they were pulling Beau’s lifeless body out of the water. His eyes were closed like he was in a peaceful slumber. Water poured out of his clothes as they rolled him onto the concrete.

  Lilly took over, her partner throwing things out of their medical bag to prepare to shock him. She listened and felt for a pulse. I watched as they cut his clothes off him and dried his chest with a towel. “No pulse or breathing sounds. Starting compressions and CPR.”

  I watched, frozen, as she pressed her small hands over his heart, counting as she tried to pump life back into him. She then leaned down and tipped his chin back, using a bag to blow air into his lungs. She leaned down and listened, shaking her head as she began compressions again. My eyes scanned his lifeless body—the way his eyes were closed like the night I’d watched him sleep. His hair had droplets of water clinging to it. His beautiful body was still and quiet. His fingers weren’t playing the drums or holding my hand.

  Her partner, needing no instruction, took out a small defibrillator and began charging it up. Moving in sync without any words, Lilly took the paddles and shocked Beau’s heart with them. I watched his body jolt as they shocked him and then settled back onto the concrete, still unmoving.

  “Beau.” I dropped to my knees again, my body convulsing with sobs. I wanted to press the warmth of my body against his to wake him up. “Come on, Beau. For me. Please wake up.”

  Lilly glanced over at me, her eyes sad as she had her partner adjust the strength of the machine. I knew what her was meant to convey. If he didn’t respond with this, there wasn’t much hope for him.

  She shocked him again, the sight of his body jumping with the strength of the machine making me weak in the knees. I’d never been much of a prayer, but I found myself begging and pleading to a higher power for the second time in as many minutes to save Beau’s life. I heard a strangling sound and then watched, immobile, as they turned Beau’s body to the side. Water poured out of his mouth, and he continued to sputter for a moment before his body stilled again. He was alive.

  “I’ve got a pulse! Breathing sounds are shallow but there. Let’s bag him and transport.” I stood and rushed toward them, unable to wait for one more second to be closer to him. I stood behind Lilly and scanned every inch of his body, watching the comforting rise and fall of his chest.

  They shifted Beau’s body onto the board and then the stretcher, running him across to the awaiting ambulance. I followed, needing to be next to him as much as I needed my next breath. Just as they put him inside the ambulance, I realized my car was back at the group home, and I had no one here to take me to the hospital. They weren’t going to let me ride with him.

  “Get in,” Lilly said, reading my thoughts. “He needs you.”

  I didn’t waste a second hesitating. I jumped in, squeezing next to him as Lilly continued to work. I held his hand, cold from the water. I began shaking, the adrenaline from this entire time catching up with me.

  “I-is he okay?”

  “He’s in critical condition.” Lilly watched the screen where his vitals were displayed. “But we have a pulse, and he’s breathing, honey. That gives
you hope. It didn’t seem like we were going to get him back there for a few minutes. It’s still touch and go. I don’t want you to think he’s out of the woods in any way.”

  I rested my head on Beau’s arm and prayed that he would wake up and look me in the eyes again. “Beau.” My tears fell onto the ink of his arm. “Come back to me. Don’t give up. It’s not your time yet. We haven’t had enough time together. Be as strong as I know you are. I’m right here with you, all the way.”

  No one had told me a word about Beau’s progress. Ever since Lilly had left, squeezing my hand and saying she hoped everything worked out, I’d been left in an empty waiting room. Since I wasn’t his family and we weren’t married, I wouldn’t get any information until Natalie got here.

  Thank God she should be here any minute. The waiting was killing me. My phone had been blowing up, between Trent, Bella, and Camyrn, but I couldn’t focus on talking to any of them. I hadn’t had the nerve to call my dad yet, even though he could help me. He knew everyone at this hospital and would’ve gotten me the information I craved. But then he’d know that Beau tried to kill himself, and I decided that was worse than me waiting for Natalie.

  Beau falling over the side of the bridge kept replaying over and over in my head. Had he known I was there? I didn’t know much about what he went through, but he hadn’t even seemed to know me. The same thought came to me over and over again. What had happened with him and Robbie? It didn’t make sense. What could a child do to send Beau into a tailspin like that?

  Unless . . . something Robbie had shown him had upset him. Maybe it reminded him of something in his childhood?

  I shook my head, my shoes smacking on the floor as I made yet another lap on the worn linoleum floor. I had no idea, and unless I left here and went to see Robbie, I wasn’t going to find out. Unless Beau told me himself, which I doubted.

  My phone dinged again, and I groaned. I lifted the screen and saw it was Natalie. “Nat.”

  “Where are you? We’re here.”

  “In the waiting room down the hall from ICU.”

  “He’s in ICU?”

  “Yes. The paramedic told me that much; it’s all the info I’ve gotten. They won’t say anything without you here.”

  “Well, I’m here. So we’ll find out everything we need to know.”

  I waited impatiently at the doorway to see Natalie turn the corner. Once I saw her, I began crying again. Following her was Bex, Johnny, and Tanner. His family was here.

  Natalie reached me first, and we wrapped our arms around each other, both of us wetting each other’s shirts with our tears. Before I knew it, the two of us were surrounded by the rest of Jaded Regret as we all clung to each other, hoping and praying for the man we all loved.

  “He’s stable,” Natalie said. “They have him on a psych hold, but his body is stable. He has a broken hand, and it’s wrapped. Otherwise, his heart and lungs are fine. They say his brain activity is good, too. It’s a miracle he’s alive and not a vegetable . . . or worse.”

  Relief washed over me like a tidal wave. “So he’ll be okay?”

  “They’re going to transfer him up to psych tomorrow morning after they make sure tonight he’s okay.” Natalie wrung her hands while pacing in front of me. The rest of the band sat quietly behind us in chairs, listening intently to what she’d found out. Bex was holding her head in her hands while Johnny rubbed her back.

  “Is he awake?”

  She shook her head. “No. He’s sedated. They want him to rest.”

  I dropped into a chair next to Bex, my legs unable to hold me anymore. “This is all my fault.”

  Bex put a hand on my back. “It’s not your fault, April.”

  I lifted weary eyes to her. “If I hadn’t encouraged him to talk to Robbie . . .”

  “We don’t know what triggered this.” Natalie spoke from the other side. “And you can’t blame yourself. It’s been a long time since it was this bad, but this isn’t the first time he’s had episodes like this.”

  “Has he tried to kill himself before?”

  “No,” Natalie said. “That’s a definite escalation.” She shook her head. “I just don’t get it. He couldn’t wait to come up here with you and see Robbie. When I saw you two at our house . . .”

  Bex reached out her hand for Natalie. “This isn’t your fault, either. You couldn’t have seen this coming. None of us could’ve. Instead of us focusing on the what-ifs, let’s focus on helping Beau through whatever this is. How long will they keep him in psych?”

  “I don’t know. They will evaluate him and see what he needs. The doctor seemed to think he would need inpatient care for at least a week to assess him and make sure he’s stable enough to be on his own. I called his psychiatrist at home and left her a message, too, so she would know.”

  Johnny and Tanner were quiet, both of them listening to us discuss what was going to happen with Beau.

  “Can we see him?” I needed to put my eyes on him and know he was breathing. After seeing him so still and so lifeless had scared me shitless, I needed reassurance.

  “Not yet,” Natalie said. “They don’t want any of us seeing him until he’s evaluated by psych tomorrow. Right now, we need to try to find out what happened. The more information we give them, the better it will be. It’s likely Beau won’t remember what happened or what he did, but once he does, they need to have the tools to help him.”

  I thought of Robbie and my heart broke. That child had already been through enough, and I didn’t want to force him to talk to me if something traumatic had spurred Beau’s reaction, but I had to try to talk to him. “I’m going to go to the group home and talk to Robbie. Can one of you take me? My car is there.”

  Natalie nodded. “I will. I drove separately from the rest of them, anyway. I’m going to leave my number with the nurses in case something happens, but we can’t see him until tomorrow so we might as well try to figure out what happened.”

  “You can stay with me,” I said automatically. “As long as you need to.”

  “We got a hotel already,” Bex said. “Our nanny is there with the kids. But thank you, April. We’re going, too, as long as you’re okay with it.” I nodded. They wanted to find out what had triggered him as much as I did. I wasn’t going to deny them.

  Heath stepped into place behind us as we walked out of the waiting room. Just as we got to the lobby, I stopped dead in my tracks as I saw the crowd outside the front doors. “What the . . .”

  Heath swore behind us and pulled out his phone. After a few seconds, he turned to us. “It’s out. The press is out there. Someone saw Jaded Regret coming into this hospital minus Beau, and someone else said they had a picture of him standing in the middle of traffic.”

  “Fuck,” Johnny said. “All he fucking needs is to be accosted by the goddamn media. What should we do?”

  “I’m going to need to call Allan,” Natalie said. “He’ll have to do damage control. We’ll ask him if he wants us to put out a statement.”

  “Hold on one second,” Heath said, stepping to a nurses’ station. Within moments, he had hospital security leading us out an emergency exit and to the cars without anyone seeing us.

  I ached to hold Beau’s hand in mine and tell him I loved him.

  Wait.

  Did I love him?

  It wasn’t the first time I’d thought the l-word, but it was the first time I’d wanted to express it to Beau. Was it too soon to say I loved him? I didn’t know, but I knew I wasn’t putting a timeline on my feelings. If I hadn’t been sure before, I was sure now. Being faced with a life without Beau had made me realize I loved him.

  “Here’s my car,” Natalie said. Heath would follow us in the band’s blacked-out Escalade.

  I sat, eyes straight ahead as Natalie turned the ignition on and pulled out of the parking garage. The emotional overload of the day caught up with me, and I began shuddering. Resting my head in my hands, I closed my eyes. “I love him, Natalie.” It felt good to say it out loud. “I
know that sounds ridiculous . . .”

  “It doesn’t, because I already knew it. You’re the one, April.”

  “I’m so scared,” I said. “What if I lose him? What if I’m not enough for him?”

  “You are enough.”

  “What if he hates me now because I saw him . . .”

  Natalie nodded, understanding. “Just keep showing him you’re there, April. Through all of it. No matter how long it takes to get him back to being Beau. Don’t give up. He’s going to push you out over and over and over again. Are you strong enough to hold on?”

  “Am I strong enough to endure what he’s going through?”

  Natalie grimaced. “We have no idea how strong any of us can be until that’s our only choice. The question you have to ask yourself is, are you in this for the long haul? Beau’s had everyone in his life that was supposed to love him leave him, with the exception of the band and me. So if you aren’t able to handle this, it’s time to go now.”

  “I’m not leaving.”

  “I figured as much, but I wanted to give you the out now. You can’t fix him, April.” Natalie sounded like my parents. “You need to be there for him and support him, but he has to want to live. You can’t want it more than him.”

  Tears filled my eyes. “When he went off that bridge . . .”

  Natalie let out a loud sob. “I can’t even . . .”

  “It was horrible. He wasn’t himself . . . he didn’t see me. I chased him for half a mile, begging him.”

  Tears dripped from Natalie’s eyes. “I’m sorry you had to see him like that.”

  I shook my head. “No. I’m sorry Beau had to feel that way. He was in so much pain, and I couldn’t figure out why. What are we going to do if he doesn’t come back to us, Nat?”

  “I’ve worried about that since he was a child. We don’t know. All we can do is see what happens when he wakes up.”

  Heaviness settled over us both as she headed to the one place we hoped we could get answers, from a troubled little boy who had been the last to see Beau.