Snared (Jaded Regret #1)

by L. L. Collins

  “No.” My heart broke as the words left my lips. Natalie’s eyes snapped to mine, confusion written on her face. “She doesn’t need to see me.”

  “Beau.” Her tone was stern. Dr. Viola was quiet, listening.

  “Natalie, I don’t deserve her. Tell her to go home. She might think she cares about me now, but she can move on. She needs to move on. She will find someone who is whole and doesn’t have the baggage of mental issues and a child he never knew about . . .”

  “Beau.” Natalie stood, crossing her arms in front of her chest. I knew that look, but she wasn’t going to convince me this time. “Stop it. April . . . loves you.”

  I gasped. There was no way. April didn’t love me. Not after what I did. She couldn’t. “Don’t say that, Natalie.”

  “She does, Beau. She’d probably kill me for saying that because this is not how it’s supposed to go, but you need to get your head out of your ass. Don’t push her away because you think you don’t deserve this. You deserve it more than anyone I know. Your whole life, you’ve been waiting for someone to validate you and make you feel like you were worthy. April does that for you. You are a different person around her, Beau, and you know it.” She stopped, wiping a tear from her eye as she glanced over at Dr. Viola. “Help me.”

  Dr. Viola cleared his throat. “Why do you want April to go, Beau? Is it because you don’t care for her and don’t want to be with her?”

  I closed my eyes, thinking about the time I’d spent with April. I remembered the first night we met and me being so intimidated and tongue-tied, all the way to the other day when we’d hugged, kissed, and made love like we were meant for each other. The way she looked at me . . . it was like nothing I’d ever felt before.

  But then Robbie’s face took her place, and I saw him, throwing chairs and screaming. I saw his sad face while he clutched the picture of his mother and then his happy face while we’d been driving go-karts.

  I’d never been more confused in my life. “I care about her, but that doesn’t mean I should be with her.”

  “Don’t you think you should let her make that decision?” Dr. Viola asked.

  Natalie nodded. Of course she agreed with him.

  “You’re scared, Beau. That’s understandable. Before April, you had your life contained in this little box you could control. Once you met her, your life was turned upside down, and the contents of your box were spilled, but you liked it. You started to think maybe you could open yourself up to someone again. But now Robbie has smashed your comfort into smithereens, and you think the only way to put it back together again is to stuff yourself back inside the box where you started.”

  I stared at Dr. Viola, hating that the damn shrink was right. Every fucking word he said was true, and it made me want to scream.

  “Let’s let him rest,” he said to Natalie. “You can come back later.”

  “Can I bring April?”

  Dr. Viola sat quietly for a moment. “Only if Beau says he wants her here.”

  They both looked at me. My heart screamed and jumped up and down, begging them to bring her to me. But my brain refused to let my mouth open and say the words. No matter what they said or how right Dr. Viola was, I knew she was better off without me.

  April

  I SAW NATALIE coming down the long hallway, and I couldn’t wait to see what had happened. It was the first any of us had gotten to see Beau, and I wanted to know everything. My fingers itched to run through his short hair and my lips tingled at the thought of his warm kiss.

  I needed him. I wanted him. I missed him with every fiber of my being.

  “How did it go?”

  Natalie smiled, but it didn’t reach her eyes. “He looks good. He’s in a better place.”

  “Did you tell him about Robbie?”

  She nodded. “Yes.”

  “And how did he take it?”

  “He already knew, so it was confirming it. He didn’t take it so well that I got custody of him, though.”

  Just as I figured. “Is he okay?”

  “Yes. He’s torn. He doesn’t want Robbie in foster care, but also doesn’t think he can be a father.”

  “He’ll be a great father,” I said. Just seeing Beau with Robbie at the amusement park had solidified that.

  “Yes, he will, but he doesn’t see it that way. All he sees is that he is messed up and has no business raising a child. All he remembers is how we were ‘parented.’ He doesn’t think he knows how to love.”

  My body tingled at the memory of his lovemaking. “I disagree with that.”

  “I do, too. We were trying to make him see how great this could be, but he can’t see past what he thinks of himself. What I didn’t tell him was that even if he could never be Robbie’s full-time dad, I would take him. He’s my nephew, and he deserves to know he’s loved by his family. Beau wanted to get out, but his doctor won’t release him yet. He said at least a few more days.”

  “Can I see him?”

  Natalie sighed. “Not yet.”

  Why did I have the feeling she wasn’t telling me the whole truth? “Nat. Why not?”

  She refused to make eye contact, and I knew she was trying to come up with a lie to tell me.

  The truth crashed on top of me like a ton of bricks. “He doesn’t want to see me, does he?”

  Sadness clouded her eyes. “He’ll come around, April. He’s just . . . embarrassed and in pain.”

  Tears welled in my eyes. Beau didn’t want to see me. I looked down the hall, the urge to sprint past the nurses and doctors who kept the patients from us and find him so strong I physically had to force myself not to do it. If I could see him face to face, I could show him I didn’t think less of him. If anything, I loved him more for fighting through it.

  But he didn’t want me. I wasn’t enough for him. Seeing me would remind him of what he’d attempted to do, and maybe he couldn’t deal with that. Now I’d become the poison in his life.

  “Don’t.” Natalie steered me so we walked next to each other down the hallway toward the exit. “My brother cares about you. I know it. I see it. He thinks he’s doing the right thing, but he’s not. He’ll figure it out. Just give him some time.”

  I didn’t believe a word she said. All time would do is make his resolve that we didn’t belong together stronger.

  I didn’t say a word as I drove Natalie to the group home. Trent was supposed to prepare Robbie somewhat for my arrival though he wasn’t going to tell him anything about where and who he was going with.

  I had no plans of either one of us telling Robbie who Beau was to him. That was something Beau needed to do when it was time. I had to admit, I’d teared up at the emergency hearing I’d been able to get with my favorite judge. He knew me well, and I liked and respected him. When I’d told him we’d found the child’s father and aunt and had a confirmed paternity test to prove it, my throat had closed up so tight I’d had to stop speaking.

  That’s when his kind eyes had turned to me, and a big smile had gone across his face. “April,” he’d said, “This is one of the good times. We’ve seen so much together, you and I, but this time, it’s good. A kid gets to go home. I’m granting temporary custody to Natalie Anderson, the child’s paternal aunt. We’ll have another hearing to determine final custody once the father is available.” He knew what Beau’s story was, but it wouldn’t stop him from giving Robbie to him once he was cleared by his doctors.

  “April.” Natalie stopped as we reached the door to the group home. “Thank you for helping me with this. Robbie will probably have a lot of questions. I appreciate everything.” Natalie and Robbie were going to stay with me until we figured out what was going to happen with Beau.

  I nodded, not trusting my voice. I needed advice. My head was all messed up from this week’s events and Beau’s refusal to see me. Maybe I needed to talk to a psychologist, too. I opened the door and walked into the house, hoping to avoid Natalie seeing how upset I was. I’d never felt so raw and broken in my entire life
.

  I left Natalie in the living room with Trent and the rest of the counselors and made my way to the bedroom where Robbie was. He knew he was going somewhere, according to Trent, just not where. When I opened the door, his eyes met mine and he smiled.

  “April!” Since I’d been visiting him every day this week, he’d opened up to me. Hopefully, that wouldn’t change with what I was going to tell him now.

  “Hey, Robbie. So you know how you’re going to a new home?”

  His eyes dropped. “Yeah.” He kicked the toe of his shoe against the rail of the bed. “I’m scared.”

  I crouched next to him, so he lifted his eyes. “You don’t have to be scared, Robbie. You know why?”

  His big eyes widened. “Why?”

  “Because you’re coming to my house.”

  His mouth opened in a little o. “Your house?”

  I nodded. “With me and Natalie.”

  “Natalie? Will Beau be there?”

  God, I couldn’t wait until Robbie knew the truth. “He’s still in the hospital, buddy.”

  “He’s still sick? Can I see him? Is he going to die?” His little lip wavered, and tears shone in his eyes.

  I thought of Beau, standing on the edge of the bridge looking at me, his eyes dead inside as he went over the side. As long as I lived, I’d never forget that.

  “He can’t have visitors right now, but he’s doing okay. He should be out soon, and then you can see him.”

  Robbie smiled. “Why do I get to live with you? Are you going to adopt me?” Hope shone in his adorable brown eyes.

  “Natalie and I are going to take care of you for right now because we both think you’re an awesome kid.” Please don’t ask me any more questions. I can’t break your heart, and I can’t tell you about Beau.

  He stared at me for so long I wondered if he saw right through my charade. But when he smiled and grabbed his bag, relief spread through me. “Awesome. Can we go now? Do I get my own room?”

  I thought of the room Natalie and I had set up, mostly blue with some red accents. We figured we’d let him tell us what else he wanted in there. “You sure do, buddy.”

  Robbie ran ahead, spotting Natalie. She smiled at him and then at me. I nodded my head, and she took his hand, leading us out of the group home.

  If I had anything to do with it at all, this would be the last time Robbie saw the walls of any foster home.

  “I need your help,” I said, watching the blades of the ceiling fan rotate. It was time for me to ask for assistance. I hadn’t been able to sleep a wink in over a week, replaying that day over and over again in my exhausted mind. And now that Robbie was in the house, I was a nervous wreck making sure he was okay.

  Robbie had been here three days, and he was adjusting well. He was coming out of his shell. The band had taken him to that music store that was closing and he’d gotten to play guitar with Johnny and sing with him and Bex. He’d tried out banging on some drums they had there. They’d said he had natural talent. Imagine that. Natalie had been stuck to him like glue, and while he didn’t understand it, he had accepted it. We hadn’t seen any signs of mental distress, but I still couldn’t relax. I needed Beau to get out of that place so we could make things right, and so we could tell Robbie what he was doing with us. He asked about Beau daily, but, of course, we didn’t get into why he wasn’t back yet. Robbie was smart and had been through a lot, though, and I had a feeling he knew we weren’t being entirely truthful.

  “What’s the matter?” My dad’s voice was immediately concerned, and I guess he had reason to be. I hadn’t told him or my mom a single thing that was going on with me, and there was a lot to tell.

  I took a deep breath. “It’s been a terrible week.”

  “April, you don’t sound okay at all. What’s going on? Is it work?”

  I hadn’t worked since all of this happened, with the exception of the emergency hearing for Robbie. Who knew if I’d still have a job after all this, but I couldn’t worry about that right now. “No. It’s not. It’s about Beau.”

  “Are you home?”

  “Yes.”

  “Your mom and I are coming over. We will be there in fifteen minutes.”

  I was never so glad that my dad was off today. I paced the living room while I waited, glad that Natalie and Robbie were out. They’d hired a tutor to assess where Robbie was at in school, so she had taken him there. My stomach was in knots, and I knew I looked like hell. My pants hung on me; my hair was in a messy ponytail, and I had no makeup on. Yet, I couldn’t make myself care.

  When I heard their car pull in, I opened the front door. I felt like I could collapse at any moment, and I didn’t know why I waited so long to ask them for help. My mom walked up to the front porch first and stopped when she had a chance to inspect me.

  “April.” She wrapped her arms around me. “Honey, what is the matter?” I broke down, sobbing on her shoulder as the weight of the past week fell around me. There was something about being in your mom’s arms that made everything better, even if it wasn’t. But then I realized that wasn’t true with Beau and his mother, and it made me sob harder.

  My parents guided me into the house and sat on either side of me on the couch, both of them waiting patiently as I gathered myself. My dad held one of my hands while my mom caressed my back. I could see them looking at each other over my head, and I knew I was scaring them.

  “You said this was about Beau,” my dad said after a few minutes.

  I sniffled. “Yes. Dad, I’m sorry. I should’ve asked for your help a long time ago.”

  “Sweetie, we’re here now. What happened, and what can we do to make it better?”

  I took a deep breath and started with us deciding to try a relationship, Beau coming to Orlando and us seeing Robbie. They nodded their heads and listened intently. My voice broke as I got to Robbie talking to Beau in his room that day. I fought through it, needing to get it out. When I explained what had happened after Beau ran out of the house, my mom gasped, and my dad’s hand tightened in mine.

  “He’s in the hospital.”

  My dad nodded. “Who are his doctors?”

  “Dr. Viola and Dr. Grant.”

  “Great doctors. He’s in the best hands. Oh, sweetie, I’m so sorry you had to witness that. You’ve been there with him all this time? Why didn’t you call me?”

  Guilt assuaged me. Because I didn’t want you to know. I didn’t want you to think Beau wasn’t the guy for me.

  “I guess you haven’t seen the news this week, huh?” Jaded Regret, despite trying to contain it, had been quite the buzz this week while people tried to figure out what had happened with their drummer. While no one had any concrete proof, the rumor mill was rampant. Heath had brought in a few more guys while they were still in Orlando to keep the press and rabid fans away from them. Bex, Johnny, and Tanner already had to move hotels twice. Thankfully, they had no shows planned anytime soon, so they could lie low and try to ride out the paparazzi wave.

  “I’ve clocked over a hundred hours this week,” Dad said. “I’ve been traveling around to other hospitals, giving classes on a new technique in brain surgery. But I still would’ve been there for you, April. I’ll always be there for you.” He peered over at my mom. “I guess you didn’t see anything about this, either.”

  She shook her head, tears running down her face. “Why didn’t you tell us, April? You’ve seen something terrible happen to someone you care about, and you need to talk to someone.”

  “I’m sorry. I was . . . afraid you’d judge him.” They both shook their heads at me, like I should’ve known better. I guess I should’ve. “That’s not all.” My mom’s eyes widened.

  “What started this whole thing was he found out that little boy we’ve been visiting? Robbie? He’s his son.”

  It took me a few minutes to explain why that was such a devastation for Beau and that Robbie was now here with Natalie and me, but when I finished talking, neither of my parents had dry eyes. My dad patt
ed his eyes with a tissue, handing my mom one as well.

  “What do you want to do, April?”

  “I want him to talk to me, Dad, but he doesn’t think he’s good for me. He won’t let me see him in the hospital. I want to be with him. I want it all.”

  “Are you sure you can get past what you saw, April? That’s hard to unsee.” My mom was right, and I knew the image of him falling would be seared in my brain for a long time. But that did nothing to the feelings I had for Beau. If anything, it made them stronger. I wanted more than anything to make him feel the love I had for him—the love he was worthy of even if he didn’t believe it.

  “I love him. The rest of it I can work through.”

  She nodded, her eyes meeting my dad’s. A knowing look passed between them, and I knew they were thinking about when he’d saved her from the life she’d led.

  “I have an idea,” Dad said. “But first, you need to eat some food, and I’m going to get you an appointment to talk to Buddy. Before you’re going to be any good to Beau or his son, you need to work through this.” Buddy was my dad’s best friend, and I’d called him Uncle Buddy my entire life. He was also the most sought after psychiatrist in our area.

  Beau

  THEY SAID I could get out of here today if I promised to stay in the area for another week and come to daily therapy sessions. I’d said anything I could to convince them to let me out of here. I’d seriously go out of my mind if I didn’t see the sunshine, my band, my sister, and a set of drums soon. I was as ready as I was going to get to confront the hard things in my life: Robbie and April.

  My stomach clenched as I thought of Robbie. I knew Natalie hadn’t told him why she had him at April’s house. I was going to have to tackle that. Dr. Viola, Dr. Grant, and I had been working on that for the last several days, and I knew what I had to do. That didn’t mean I felt confident or assured of raising a child, but I knew it was what my job had to be now. Robbie didn’t ask to be born or left by a mom who chose drugs over him. I sure as hell wasn’t going to be the person who chose myself and my insecurities over him, either.