Finding Heart (Colorado Veterans Book 2)

by Tiffani Lynn

  “Marina,” I greet her cautiously.

  “Jase.”

  A sliver of warmth weaves its way into my gut. No one calls me Jase anymore. I’ve been Dex, short for my last name, Dexter, since I went into the Army 12 years ago. I don’t respond; I wait her out to see what she says.

  “I thought I should come down here and thank you in person for letting me off last night.” She steps in closer to me than is normal and I can smell the bubblegum-scented lip gloss keeping her lips shiny. Her eyes steal my attention the same as when we were young and I can’t look anywhere else for the moment. They’re the most intriguing shade of mossy green with little brown flecks that look like they slipped in accidentally when God was creating them.

  The hardware and plethora of makeup detract from her beauty and I’d like to tell her to remove it all so I can see the woman underneath, but that would be pointless since I don’t plan to see her again after this. Why do some females think they need to be coated in layers of makeup? Natural is so much more appealing to me. Not that I want her to appeal to me.

  “You don’t need to thank me. You didn’t do anything that warranted an arrest as far as I was concerned.” I continue to stare at her. If I don’t say a lot, I think she’ll be on her way.

  She twirls a lock of dyed reddish-purple hair around her pointer finger and glances at the ground. She used to do the same thing when we were teenagers and she was nervous or uncertain. I’d spend hours of our days studying everything about her. I had every mannerism, every expression, every outfit, every kind of smile and every variety of frown memorized. It’s funny that some of those things haven’t changed, or my gut response to them. I want to reach out and soothe her.

  “So whatcha been up to? I haven’t seen you in years. In fact, the last time I saw you I was taller and weighed more than you.” She giggles and bites her bottom lip. Her giggle is cute but annoying at the same time. I don’t want to find anything about her cute. Adding someone to my social circle is not on my agenda so small talk makes no sense to me and this qualifies as such. I avoid any kind of emotional connection whenever possible. The Larkin and Rivers families sort of scooted in there under the radar and added themselves to my life without me noticing until it was too late. Surely she doesn’t want to be friends after all this time. Doesn’t she have anything better to do?

  “I grew up, that’s all. A lot of time has passed.” If I don’t elaborate she’ll realize I have nothing to say and be on her way.

  “I heard you went into the military.”

  I wonder who told her. I was removed from the foster home we both lived in six months before I enlisted. I’m not sure how she would’ve found that information out.

  “I did, I went into the Army.” I refuse to stand here and make small talk so I’m going to keep my answers short and sweet. A trip down memory lane isn’t where I want to go tonight. “Listen, Marina, I have a bunch of paperwork to do so I’d better get back to it.”

  Her gaze shifts to my lips, pauses briefly and then moves to my feet as her finger continues to twirl her hair even tighter. Her voice is a little quieter when she says, “Oh.” She swallows hard. Shit, I hurt her feelings. My gut sours a little. This is what I’m trying to avoid. I don’t want to care that I hurt her feelings. It’s obvious I don’t know her anymore and I need to keep it that way.

  “I’ll let you get back to it then. Um…” She pauses and glances back up to me and I fight with myself not to try and comfort her. I stay quiet. “So, thanks again. And um…in case you were wondering, Fern is alive, but barely. They told me not to get my hopes up.”

  Without thinking first, I answer, “Yeah, I know.” Shit. I didn’t want her to know I checked on her friend.

  Her gaze shoots back to mine and surprise is written all over her face. “You do?”

  I make up a lie because I don’t want her to think I have a soul left—one she can cling to. “It’s part of my report. I called. Sorry about your friend.” I take a step back to reiterate that I have to go and she turns like she’s going to walk away, but looks back at me over her shoulder and says, “I’m sorry I took up your time, Jase, but I’m glad I got to see you, to know you’re okay. You’re the only one I ever really cared about in the system and well, I’m glad you’re okay.” That was a direct hit to my heart.

  Before I can reply she strides across the room and pushes through the door to the lobby. When the door closes, I turn back to my desk and of course Gino the asshole is propped against it. What the hell does he want?

  “So, I see how it is. You pull her off my dick so she can jump on yours. Maybe that’s what’s behind the super-partnership with you and Quinn. Now that she’s out of town you’ve got to get it from somewhere else.”

  This guy is such a dick. “Fuck off, Gino. I didn’t say anything about that shit from last night to the captain, but that can be remedied. I’m not in the mood for you.”

  “Yeah, I heard you asked not to work with me. You trying to fuck up my promotion?”

  “If your promotion gets fucked up it won’t be from anything that has to do with me. You’ll do that to yourself. Now step the fuck away from my desk and go find something else to do.”

  He shakes his head and struts away like he owns the place. What an asshole.

  Chapter Three

  Marina

  My last memory of Jase Dexter is a sweet one. One of the boys in the house we lived in, Freddy Vines, had gotten wind of what my stepfather used to use me for and decided that he needed sexual favors too. Freddy was the biggest guy in the house, even towering over the foster father, and everyone feared him.

  Jase had been my confidant for the whole nine months we lived together. He was lanky and scrawny and awkward. So, to a girl like me who’d been overpowered by larger men most of her life, a boy like him was safe to be around. I told Jase what Freddy said and he told me he’d handle it. Of course, I continued to be terrified because there was no way a little guy like Jase could handle it, but I never told him that.

  So late that night when the door clicked open to the room I shared with two other girls, I knew Freddy had come for me. My heart pounded and tears welled up in my eyes. I didn’t want to do whatever he had in mind.

  He leaned into my ear and whispered, “Don’t make a noise. Don’t say a word. Go to the bathroom.”

  Too afraid not to do what he said, I got up and shuffled slowly toward the bathroom. I was going too slowly for his taste so he shoved me from behind and I smacked into the wall with a loud thud. Freddy leaned into me from behind and growled, “Get in the fucking bathroom, Marina, and take care of business. No one’s gonna hear you so stop trying to wake the house. It’s dick-sucking time.” The tears sitting at the edge of my eyelids splashed down my face as I realized I was going to have to go through with this.

  The hallway was dark but the nightlight in the bathroom was on, giving the space an eerie glow when I entered with shaky legs. Freddy was still two steps behind me in the hallway when I heard a thump, thump, thump, an oooffff and an, “Oh shit.” That was followed by a louder thump and a thud loud enough that the door to the foster parents’ room flung open and the father came out with a baseball bat in his hand that was barely visible in the darkness. He flipped the light switch and I squinted.

  Freddy wasn’t anywhere in sight, but Jase stood about three feet from me at the top of the stairs, looking down. His fists were balled up and his chest was heaving. The foster mom rushed out of the room tugging her robe closed, maneuvered in front of the father and ran to me, asking, “Marina? What’s going on?”

  I had no idea what to say. I wasn’t sure if I should tell her that Freddy wanted a blow job and was going to force me. I didn’t think she wanted the truth so I shrugged my shoulders as she hurried past me and looked down the stairs. She shrieked and took off to the bottom, screaming the whole way.

  Later I found out that Jase knew when he heard the thump against the wall what was going on and knew surprise would work in his favor,
so he ran at Freddy and put all his weight into knocking the kid down the stairs. The cops showed up, the social worker showed up, the ambulance showed up and took Freddy to the hospital, and then we were questioned for hours by the police and the social worker.

  When the other boys who shared a room with Freddy confirmed our story, the Foster parents sent us to bed. I was still scared even with Freddy gone so once the house was quiet again I snuck into Jase’s room, crawled under his covers and snuggled up to his bony chest and begged him to wrap his lanky arms around me. He held me the rest of the night and right before dawn he sent me back to my bed so we wouldn’t get in trouble.

  The next day a psychologist came to the house and spoke with both of us privately. Turns out that wasn’t the first time Freddy had been accused of this stuff and they wanted to find out if he’d done anything before that. I kind of hoped the jerk was dead, but he only had a broken collarbone, a dislocated shoulder and a concussion. They decided to put him in a state facility because of the liability.

  That night Jase slipped into my bed this time and held me again. I’ll never forget the feel of his bony arms wrapped around me. You’d think it was uncomfortable, but it wasn’t. His arms provided a safety I couldn’t remember feeling before then and haven’t since.

  Jase whispered into my ear, “Tomorrow they’re gonna separate us, Mari.” He wasn’t Spanish but his Spanish accent was strong when he called me that. It sounded like he was saying Ma-dee. “I heard them talking downstairs. They don’t want us to get too close.” He moved his hand down between us, placing something cold in my hand and said, “I want you to have this. It was my grandma’s. The picture fell out a long time ago but it’s real silver and it’s pretty. You deserve pretty things, Mari. You deserve more than what you’ve been given.”

  “I can’t take your grandma’s locket.”

  “Yeah, you can. You deserve it. Someday when you find someone you love you can put their picture inside and wear it close to your heart.”

  “Jase,” I whispered as emotion clogged my throat.

  “Don’t let anyone hurt you anymore. If there’s another boy like Freddy, tell on him. I won’t be there to help you.” He moved his arm around me and pulled me tight to his chest while I clung to the silver locket in my hand.

  “Jase—”

  “Mari, shhh.”

  I didn’t want to upset him so I nuzzled in close to him and fell asleep. When I woke the next morning, I was alone. I jumped up, threw my clothes on and ran downstairs, afraid that he was gone and I wouldn’t get to say goodbye. The social worker was passing through the doorway and I caught sight of Jase’s royal blue T-shirt he wore often already in front of her.

  I thumped my way down the stairs at warp speed and screamed his name as I rushed out through the screen door and flung myself at him. I knew he couldn’t stay, but my heart was breaking and I couldn’t help but beg him. I needed someone with me who didn’t try to use me for sexual favors, who protected me, who cared about me.

  “Please, please, please don’t go!” I begged as if he had control of what was happening.

  He held me close while I wrapped myself around his scrawny body and held tight, all the while crying. The social worker said something I couldn’t hear clearly above my sobs and I felt his body jerk and heard him say, “Give me a minute, will ya? Hasn’t she been through enough? Let us say goodbye.”

  “Mari. Mari, stop. Listen to me. I can’t stay. They won’t let me. But remember what I said. Take care of you. Protect yourself at all costs and tell if you have to. Don’t let anyone take advantage of you ever again. Mari, you’re beautiful and sweet and amazing, so much better than the rest of us. Keep the locket close to you and know I’ll always think of you.” Then he kissed the side of my head because he wasn’t tall enough to reach the top. As he stepped away and climbed in the backseat of the car he said, “You’re gonna be okay.”

  The last glimpse I had of Jasen Dexter was of his gorgeous aquamarine eyes luminous with tears that sat on the edges of his eyelids but never fell. He was tough as nails even back then.

  Shame courses through my veins as I think about him catching me about to give a blow job to get out of that situation with Fern. You’d think with everything I went through as a kid I’d avoid it at all costs, but I’m broker than broke and knew I’d rather do that than end up in jail and not have a way to get out.

  I wish I were intuitive enough to never end up in a place where that’s even an option, but on occasion it’s the people I’m friends with who get me into situations I’d never otherwise be in. I shove the thought aside and catch the bus back to my apartment. God, this place is a shithole. Dee, my roommate and best friend, will be home in an hour and I can tell her about Jase.

  She’s been hearing about him now for years. She knows everything about him, including my encounter the other night. She warned me to stay away from him, said he obviously wasn’t the warm and fuzzy guy I remember, but I couldn’t help myself. Just like when we were kids, there was something about him I found comforting, even if he scowls at me now.

  As if to remind myself that the Jase Dexter I knew still exists, I go to the back of my closet and pull down the shoebox that holds the few things I’ve kept from my childhood. In the bottom of the box, under a couple of pictures, is the silver heart locket that Jase gave me. As my most cherished possession, I used to wear the locket everywhere, but it was almost taken from me once and I freaked. Now to keep it safe it stays hidden. Threading my fingers through the silver chain, I lift and pull out the silver heart. It’s tarnished and needs to be cleaned, but it’s still the most beautiful thing that I own besides the ruby belly button ring that Dee gave me for Christmas one year.

  Jase told me when I found someone I love to put their picture inside and keep it close to my heart. I did the best I could to follow his instructions. I open the locket and find the contents intact. I smile a little, close it and put it all away. Maybe someday my life will be stable enough to wear it every day like I want to.

  Chapter Four

  Dex

  Damn it! Why am I still thinking about Marina? She’s a whole ball of trouble that keeps rolling my way. I’ve been alone for too many days in a row and usually I like that, but with Marina resurfacing in my life it’s turned my normally quiet thoughts to a chaotic chatterbox of noise. Memories of watching her across the room at our foster home, thinking she’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen and later at night waking up from a wet dream because she had my teenage boy, hormone-riddled body all jacked up, have taken up residence in my mind and won’t stop. She’s tempting, but she’s a disaster in every sense of the word and I need her to stay away from me. I’m certain with how rude I was today at the station that she got the picture, which should make me happy, but to make things more confusing, it makes me angry. What the hell is wrong with me?

  Thank God Quinn and Judson are back home. Quinn and I started out as partners a couple of years ago and hit it off instantly. She wasn’t pushy like most of the women I’ve encountered in my life but she knew exactly the questions to ask to find the answers she wanted. Instead of my quiet demeanor driving her nuts, it seemed to settle her. When I met her boyfriend—at the time—Judson, it didn’t take long to figure out why she handled me so well. He and I are similar people and we rolled right into a good friendship. They were my first real friends since Stu and his family and I cherish every moment with them. I’d never admit that out loud because that would make me a serious pussy, but it’s the truth.

  Today, I felt it necessary to be around people who don’t annoy the hell out of me and also don’t stir up the hornets’ nest of emotion buried within. Running into Marina, especially under the circumstances, has left me feeling off-kilter. I need to be with people who stabilize me and that’s something the Rivers family does with ease.

  I finally pull into the driveway of Daisy Rivers Ranch, Quinn and Judson’s home, and watch as Carlo races out the front door and toward my car. This k
ind of excitement doesn’t seem normal for a 12-year-old boy, but he’s not normal by anyone’s standards. Extraordinary is the only term I’d use for him. He’s come a long way in a short time since the Rivers have made him part of their family and I’ve enjoyed watching it.

  He and I have a special relationship considering we started life pretty much the same way, with messed up families and foster care, but his is headed in a better direction than mine was at that age, thanks to Quinn and Judson. They were his foster parents for a short while but after Judson saved Carlo and Carlo saved Judson, literally, there was no doubt they would adopt him. If they wouldn’t have, I would’ve applied to do it. He’s such a great kid with so much potential, there’s no way I could’ve allowed it to be wasted in the foster system.

  Quinn steps out on the porch with her six-month-old baby, Lila, in her arms about the time Carlo is crashing into me. I think it’s cool he’s turned into a hugger after living with them. I’m not that way with anyone else except him and Lila and Stu’s kids, but I can’t seem to help it with them and they don’t give me a choice. Carlo used to try to play it cool but the Rivers squashed that quickly and if they hadn’t handled it, Quinn’s mom would have. That kid gets more hugs when she’s visiting than he had in his whole life before that.