Finding Heart (Colorado Veterans Book 2)

by Tiffani Lynn

  When I glance over to smile at Rushton he stays quiet but smiles at me.

  Jase’s hand slips up under my hair to graze the tattoo he loves so much before he grips the back of my neck for moral support. He must sense the little bit of lingering discomfort I have because it’s a sweet gesture and settles me quickly. Through dinner, things become more relaxed and Leslie and I talk a little. She seems to be excited about the honeymoon and Jase’s time with the kids. Although I find her studying me out of the corner of my eye, it doesn’t feel weird. It’s almost like she’s trying to figure me out. I’m sure Jase has never had a woman like me around. I’m guessing they’ve always been more like her.

  I’m buried in my thoughts when Joe asks, “So Dex, how did you meet Marina?”

  “Foster care. When we were teenagers.” He doesn’t elaborate further and surprise fills Joe’s eyes, but I find it curious that Leslie doesn’t seem surprised. Is it possible she’s heard about me before now?

  “What’s a foster care?” Skylar pipes up, looking directly at me.

  “Well…it’s a place kids go to for people to take care of them.” How do you answer a little kid who has a family that loves her, in a way she might understand?

  “So we might go there too?”

  “Um…” I look to Judson for help.

  “Bunny, not everyone is as lucky as you are to have your mommy and daddy and Joe who love them. Marina and I didn’t have a nice family like yours so they sent us to live with another family and other kids like us.”

  “No one loved you?” Her eyes are huge as she asks, like she can’t even fathom it.

  “My grandma did but she died and there was nowhere for me to go. It’s okay though because that’s how I met Marina.”

  The rest of the table sits uncomfortably quiet for a second until Skylar decides to speak again. “Uncle Dex—”

  Leslie interrupts her, “Sky.”

  Jase says, “It’s okay, Les. Do you have a question, Bunny?”

  “No. I just want to say that you don’t have to live at foster care anymore because I love you. So now you can live at your own home.”

  Jase’s eyes soften, and I’m telling you, there is nothing hotter than a man who looks at a little girl with that kind of tenderness.

  “Foster care is only for kids and I’m an adult so I already live in my own apartment. That’s where you’re staying this week. But let me tell you that as soon as I met your dad and your mom and your brother and you, you became my family so I didn’t have to be alone anymore. Just because you live far away doesn’t mean you aren’t my family. I’m so glad you love me back though. I’m a lucky guy.”

  Dear lord, my lip starts to tremble at the triumphant look on her little face, like she’s so proud of this whole scenario. Just as I get it under control, she takes it a step further.

  “Marina, I can love you too. If you were a little kid, you wouldn’t need foster care either.”

  That does it. A few tears spill out and drip down my cheeks. I try to wipe them away but it’s futile. This little girl completely unraveled me.

  Jase places his fingers on my cheek and turns my face to him. He wipes the remaining wetness away and kisses me softly. “Don’t cry Mari, you’ve got me.” I smile a little, trying to push down the big fat tears that are building at the back of my eyes. I know I’ve got him for now. I don’t think I’ve got him forever though, but I try not to think about that. I want to savor everything in the moment with him.

  The server shows up with our meals right in time to break the serious moment and Joe does his best to keep the rest of dinner light and easy. When it’s time to leave, we transfer the kids’ suitcases to Jase’s car and everyone says their goodbyes.

  The day before Leslie and Joe come to pick up the kids, we take them to the ranch. I’m going there to work, but Judson and Jase will take them on a trail ride around the property. The kids are giddy with excitement and I can’t help but be too. Jase has spent the week taking them all over Colorado Springs and even into Denver to keep them busy. When I get home from work every night they’re all exhausted.

  “You get to play with the horses every day? You’re so lucky!” Skylar says as she bounces in her booster seat in the back like she has jumping beans in her pants. “I love horses. They’re the best.”

  “What do you think of horses?” I ask Rushton.

  “They’re cool, I guess. But they’re really big and a little scary. Do you think I’ll be okay?”

  “Of course! They like people and are really good with kids. Trooper sometimes kisses my neck when I get too close while I’m working in the barn. He’s my favorite.”

  “A horse kiss!” Sky’s whole face lights up.

  “Yes, it’s super ticklish and will make you squirm. His breath is kind of stinky so you may get a whiff of that if he tries to kiss you.”

  “Eww! Gross!” The kids squeal in unison, making Jase and me laugh.

  At the end of my workday I trudge inside to meet everyone. Judson made dinner so Quinn could see the kids. When I come out of the bathroom from washing up, I pause to take in the scene in front of me. Carlo, Skylar and Rushton are talking animatedly with each other and Lila’s in her highchair happily banging her spoon on the tray. Quinn, Judson and Jase are trying to hold a conversation above the noise and everyone looks comfortable and content. It makes my heart both happy and sad all at once. I’ve wanted this scene my whole life. I’ve wanted this kind of family normalcy and love so bad I can’t stand it. This is what I’ve been missing for most of my life.

  I’m not sure how long I stand there before Jase calls to me, “Mari, you okay?” I shake my head a little to bring myself back into the moment and plaster on the smile.

  “I’m good. Sorry, I was thinking about something. What’s for dinner? It smells wonderful!” As I sit in the empty chair on Jase’s right side, he squeezes my knee and I lean in to peck his cheek.

  “Did Judson work you too hard today?” he asks.

  “Of course, but it was good. I love being in there even if it’s cold as hell.”

  Everyone laughs at my answer. When dinner is over, we pack up the kids and head back to his apartment for our last night with them. Joe and Leslie will be here tomorrow and want to take us to dinner before they leave the following day.

  The next night we have a fabulous dinner at an Italian restaurant with Leslie, Joe and the kids. Everyone is relaxed and talkative and I’m much more comfortable than I was when the kids were dropped off. Joe and Leslie hold hands until our meal arrives and the conversation between her and me flows more smoothly for me this time since my nerves are gone. It’s obvious the kids had a great time with us this week, but I know I’ll miss them so much more than they’ll miss us. Being surrounded by voices, conversation, questions and smiles this week has been a dream come true. I’m so envious of Leslie and Joe and the life they’re about to start together.

  After dinner, we meet Leslie in the hotel bar for a drink while Joe gets the kids to bed. We’re laughing and carrying on about some of the things Sky says until Dex goes to the bathroom and Leslie and I are left alone.

  “I’m so glad Dex got his head out of his ass. I knew when he mentioned your name that you were more than just some chick he slept with,” she says as she smiles.

  My brow furrows. “How did you know that? If he mentioned it when he was with you guys the last time, we weren’t even speaking.”

  “I’ve known him a long time and I’ve never seen him get upset about a woman. Every muscle he has tensed up during that phone call when he heard something happened to you.”

  “Oh. I still don’t think he’s all that crazy about me, but he’s worth sticking around to find out.”

  “I knew if you could get past us sleeping together and understand it was nothing, like Joe did, that you were worth keeping. I don’t think you have anything to worry about. I’ve never seen him like this. I’m happy for you both.”

  As soon as I register what she said to
me, a vise closes around my chest and I can’t breathe. Get past them sleeping together? He lied to me. Not a lie of omission, but a flat-out lie. I don’t want her to see the meltdown that I can feel coming on. With that one sentence from her, it’s total heartbreak so powerful that I’m in physical pain. I do my best to continue with conversation, changing the subject and asking about her future plans with Joe, but I’m so preoccupied with my own heartbreak that I don’t process her responses. I’m so overwhelmed that when Jase comes back from the bathroom, I say, “My stomach is a little upset. I hate to ask, but do you think you can take me back to your apartment?”

  He senses something is up because he pauses and searches my face, probably looking for clues about what changed while he was gone. “Sure. Let’s go.”

  We say goodbye, give Leslie hugs, and return to his apartment. The only noise in the car on the way back is the growl of his engine and I’m having a hard time breathing. How do I deal with this? Do I say something? They obviously have nothing going on now, but can I stay with him knowing he lied to me? I don’t think it’s something Quinn, Dee or even Leslie would put up with. Lying feels like a deal-breaker for me. Does this bother me enough that I should even say something? The more I ponder this, the more I realize, it doesn’t just bother me, it tears me up. I’m not going to shove something under the rug as big as lying so I can keep a boyfriend. If he lied about this what else has he lied about? He wouldn’t tolerate this from me so I need to have enough respect for myself not to tolerate it either.

  The question now is what am I going to do about it? I could scream and yell like some kind of teenage drama queen or I could tell him what’s bothering me like an adult. Although my stomach burns bad enough that I’d like to throw a hissy fit, I won’t.

  “We need to talk,” I tell him as we enter the apartment.

  “All right,” he replies as he pulls off his boots and sets them neatly by the end of the couch.

  “Why did you lie to me about sleeping with Leslie?” He stands up straight and stares at me for a second. His Adam’s apple bobs as he swallows hard before answering.

  “Marina.”

  “Jase, I don’t want a bullshit story. I want to know why. I know you did. She mentioned it tonight while you were in the bathroom, in the middle of conversation like she figured I already knew.”

  “I didn’t lie specifically.” When I’m about to protest he holds up a finger so he can continue. “You asked if I slept with her when I was there that time. I didn’t. I slept with her a long time ago. I should have told you the exact truth, but things were volatile between us and I felt like if you knew you’d think something was still going on. I was trying to keep from messing with your head.”

  “So, let me get this straight, you’re telling me you lied for my benefit?”

  “Mari—”

  “Um, no. Your time to talk already passed. See, I’m thinking the only person that benefitted from the lie was you.”

  “You’re not looking at this the right way.”

  My head jerks back, surprised that he’s trying to spin this on me. Nope, I’m not going to listen to that nonsense. Snatching my coat back off the hanger behind me, I shrug it on and say, “I think I need a little bit of time to cool off. I may be a lot of things Jase, but I’m not stupid and I’m not so needy that I’ll stay with someone who could so easily lie to me. Especially someone who wouldn’t tolerate the same in return. I know you well enough to know if I lied to you I’d be sitting on the curb with my shit in hand, looking for somewhere to live. I’m taking a walk. We can finish this when I get back.”

  “I don’t think it’s safe outside, Marina.”

  “Too bad. I’ve lived in worse places than the streets of this neighborhood.” With those parting words, I open the door and slip through before he can say anything else. When I’m several blocks away from his apartment I hear my named called, but it’s not Jase. What the hell? I turn around and search the area the voice came from and walk back to where the alley opens up between two concrete buildings. There’s a large green dumpster about halfway back on the left side that’s surrounded by a bunch of trash that should be in it not around it. It’s dark further back and I’m unable to see anything in that section. On the right, there are a bunch of broken down cardboard boxes and huddled up next to them, wrapped in an old coat and a blanket, is Marv. I breathe a sigh of relief as I walk toward him.

  “Where are you going this late at night alone? Where’s Dex?”

  I roll my eyes. “Well hello to you too, old man.”

  His scruffy cheeks lift in a half smile and a dark hole where a few of his teeth are supposed to be becomes visible.

  “Don’t get smart with me, Marina. It’s not safe for you to be out here without Dex.”

  “We had a fight and I needed some air.”

  “This is not the place to be getting air.” He waves his hand out in front of him to indicate the neighborhood.

  “Please. This is a vacation spot compared to where I lived when I was on the streets at one point.” Tilting his head, his eyes narrow on me like he’s trying to understand me.

  “I know we talked about it a little at Dex’s apartment but you never told me when or why you lived on the street.”

  “From the age of 18 until I was 20. I aged out of the system and had nowhere to go and no money to get a place. I lived like that until a friend from school passed me on the street one day and took me in.”

  “Fair enough. Now sit and tell me about this fight.”

  “I don’t want to talk about it.”

  “Girly, you don’t have a choice. You’re in my house and I want you to go home so I don’t worry. You won’t do that until you decide not to be mad anymore. Now get over here and spill the beans.”

  I probably shouldn’t, but I have no one else to talk to, so why not? I spend the next few minutes explaining what happened and how it all went down. He’s quiet for the most part until I say, “That’s it. That’s the story.”

  Certain he’s going to tell me I’m being stupid, I hold my breath as he speaks. “That was an asshole thing for him to do. I get why he lied, but I also understand why you don’t like it. It probably makes you wonder what else he’s lied about and I’m sure he’d lose his mind if you did the same.

  “Here’s what I can tell you: Dex keeps mostly to himself and I assume it’s because of all he’s been through in his life. I’ve picked up bits and pieces over the years. But he’s wired inside and out to protect the people he cares about and will do anything to make that happen. You two are a good match like that. It’s unlikely he’ll get taken advantage of by you since you’re the same way. However, I think you’re going to have to consider letting this one go in an effort to keep a good thing. I mean, make sure you blister his ass so he won’t be quick to do it again, but I think you need to forgive him.

  “Never seen that boy care about a woman before. In fact, most of his women come and go in one night. He’s broken, but I believe you can fix him. Take it from a lonely old man like me, sometimes you need to overlook an issue if it was done with the right intentions. I threw away something really good a long time ago and it’s the only thing in this life I regret. Don’t be like me. I know Dexter is a good man, an honorable man. Give him the chance to make it right.”

  “What if I can’t?”

  “You can. Now turn around. I believe you’ll find him half a block back, waiting for you to come out of the alley. He backed off a minute ago when he realized you were down here talking with me.”

  “He’s here?”

  “Did you think he’d let you walk this neighborhood alone at night? I can tell by the look on your face you really thought that. If you did, you need to spend some time getting to know him because he would never leave you unprotected. Now go on. Put him out of his misery.”

  I pause as I think about everything he’s said to me. He’s probably right but I need to talk to Jase before I make any decisions. I can’t believe he followed me
even though we were in a fight.

  “Marv, are you hungry? You eat anything lately?”

  “I haven’t been too hungry. I’m fine.”

  “Marv—”

  “Don’t worry about me, Marina. Go take care of yourself. I’m fine.”

  “Okay,” I say as I bend over and kiss his cheek, noting his garbage-ripened scent. I need to get Jase to bring him to the apartment for dinner and a shower. “Thanks, Marv.”

  When I turn the corner, Jase is standing half a building back, leaning on the wall with his hands in his pockets. We both stand still, taking the other in without a word. This goes on until he stands up straight and walks toward me. When he’s close enough, he pulls me to him and wraps his arms around me. I’m stiff to start but soften as he speaks. “Mari, I’m sorry. I didn’t want to hurt you or make you wonder if something was going on between Leslie and me. It’s not. I didn’t want you to worry, but you’re right, I’d be pissed if the roles were reversed.”

  “Jase.”

  “Shush. I get it. I know I did wrong. Please let me apologize and go back to my place. We can talk about it where I know you’re safe.”

  I allow him to lead me back to his apartment. When we get there, I hang my coat back up and remove my shoes. I sit at the end of the couch and wait for him to sit too. He sits at the opposite end and waits for me to speak.

  “Do you get what the issue is here?” I ask him, unsure if he knows why he’s apologizing.

  “I said I was sorry and I meant it.”

  “Yeah, I heard you, but I feel like it’s an apology designed to shut me up, not one of real remorse. If I would’ve lied to you, I’d be kicked to the curb. Now I wonder what else you’ve lied to me about. I also wonder how long you two were sleeping together.”

  Leaning forward to rest his elbows on his knees, he clears his throat and stares at the floor in front of him as he explains. “Stu was the first person since I was eight years old to love me. He was more than my best friend; he was my brother. He trusted me to take care of his family so when I moved to Tampa with the intentions of taking care of them, I just sort of slipped into his role. It was like I didn’t know how to separate caretaker from man of the house. Neither Les nor I were working, so we spent every day, all day together. She’s beautiful and we were both lonely so now that I look back, I realize it was building long before anything happened. One night we got drunk out by the pool after the kids went to bed, and one minute we were talking and the next…”