Alice

by Laura Wade

  No no, well. I can see why you wouldn’t want any babies at a croquet match –

  Cookie, d’you think you could –

  The DUCHESS looks over to the table, to see the COOK hacking up another cuddly toy. COOK looks up from the work and glares at the DUCHESS.

  No, nothing dear.

  The DUCHESS looks at ALICE.

  Party game!

  ALICE: Sorry?

  DUCHESS: To celebrate.

  ALICE: I’ve still got to go, though, so –

  DUCHESS: Cookie – bring the plates.

  ALICE: The game has plates?

  DUCHESS: Spread out everyone.

  The COOK and the DUCHESS form two points of a triangle, with ALICE being the other point.

  Now, this is what you have to do –

  ALICE sees that the COOK has turned towards the DUCHESS, and is swinging a plate, ready to throw it.

  ALICE: No!

  DUCHESS: Catch!

  The DUCHESS throws the baby to ALICE, who catches it safely. The DUCHESS catches the plate.

  There, you see.

  The baby wriggles in ALICE’s arms. She’s quite shaken by the moment.

  ALICE: Yeah, OK, I –

  DUCHESS: Thank you, Cookie.

  The DUCHESS starts to swing the plate to throw to ALICE.

  ALICE: I don’t think we need to do it ag –

  The DUCHESS throws the plate.

  Help!

  ALICE throws the baby to the COOK, who catches it, having just thrown another plate to the DUCHESS.

  They continue throwing the plates and the baby around in the circle.

  What happens now?

  DUCHESS: You keep going until the music stops.

  ALICE: What music?

  The WONDERBAND appear out of nowhere and play music.

  The game continues, with the COOK and DUCHESS stepping back each time to widen the circle and make the throwing harder, to ALICE’s dismay.

  When the music stops, ALICE finds she’s the one holding the baby.

  DUCHESS: And that’s the end of the game. Well done everyone, very good.

  The baby farts.

  Well done baby.

  ALICE: Great – thank you, that was enormous –

  ALICE tries to hand the baby back to the DUCHESS.

  DUCHESS: No no, you must give the prizes.

  ALICE: OK. Did someone win?

  DUCHESS: Everybody won, and all must have prizes.

  The COOK applauds, excited.

  ALICE: Um, I haven’t got – I haven’t got anything.

  DUCHESS: What have you got in your pocket?

  ALICE goes for her pocket, struggling to keep hold of the baby, who’s still wriggling. She pulls out a couple of small objects.

  ALICE: I’ve got a lip balm and a lemon Starburst.

  DUCHESS: Oh super!

  The DUCHESS dashes in and grabs the lemon Starburst for herself. ALICE holds the lipbalm towards the COOK who snatches it. The DUCHESS stuffs the sweet into her mouth.

  ALICE: Um, you have to take the paper off –

  The COOK winds up the lip balm and takes a bite out of it. The DUCHESS starts to back away from ALICE.

  DUCHESS: And your prize is the baby.

  ALICE: Sorry, what?

  DUCHESS: You get to keep the baby.

  ALICE: No no, wait – No, hang on, you can’t –

  The COOK takes another bite of the lip balm and then also starts to back away.

  DUCHESS: (Departing.) You’re terribly good with him – he loves you.

  ALICE: What am I going to do with a baby? Hello?

  The baby wriggles.

  Stop wriggling – like holding a jellyfish.

  ALICE tries to follow the COOK and DUCHESS, but she can’t hold the baby and move. As ALICE stands there, even the kitchen starts to retreat away from her.

  Oh what, you’re leaving as well, are you?

  The kitchen stops momentarily, as if chastened, then continues to creep back away from her.

  ALICE looks down at the baby in her arms. He’s still screaming.

  Oh please stop that.

  ALICE tries bouncing the baby.

  Come on – bouncy bouncy –

  BABY: Oink!

  ALICE: Pardon?

  BABY: Oink!

  ALICE looks at the BABY’s face properly for the first time.

  ALICE: Oh my god. You look like –

  BABY: Oink!

  The BABY wriggles free of its blankets and the head of a piglet appears, wearing a baby’s bonnet.

  ALICE: You’re actually a pig. Oh god this is too weird.

  The piglet wriggles so hard that ALICE is forced to let him down onto the floor.

  OK, OK, you want to go –

  The piglet dashes off on a winding course until out of sight.

  No, wait – wait – you’re not supposed to –

  You’re on your own, kid. Computer game’s broken. I think I’m lost.

  During this, a number of candy-striped poles grow up out of the floor. While they’re still short, a couple of WONDERLANDERS, unseen by ALICE, attach arrow-shaped boards to the top of them so that they become signposts.

  No, come on, Al, think properly. Got to find this Heart thing. OK, so it’s not like biologically a heart because – I mean how could you go there, so –

  So what else does heart mean?

  The Heart means the middle, right, the middle of something? The centre.

  So if I’m in a place, I’ve got to find the middle of it.

  Except I haven’t got a chuffing map.

  ALICE looks around and sees the signposts.

  Oh. OK. This is better.

  ALICE goes to the signpost closer to her and tries to read the writing at the top of it. It says ‘HERE’, and points downwards.

  Here. Ok, I’m here.

  Behind ALICE a creature slinks across the stage in a rakish fashion – a self-styled lady killer in cowboy boots and a shirt with frilly cuffs. When he sees ALICE, he stops, his face breaking into a broad grin.

  He stands still with a hand on his hip. The CHESHIRE CAT.

  CHESHIRE CAT: Hello you.

  ALICE looks at him.

  I said, hello you.

  ALICE: Hi.

  ALICE goes back to looking at the other signposts.

  CHESHIRE CAT: What’s a gorgeous creature like you doing all alone?

  ALICE: I’m not alone –

  CHESHIRE CAT: That’s a fib, naughty. Come over here, don’t be unkind.

  ALICE: I’m alright, thanks.

  ALICE looks at another signpost. The CHESHIRE CAT sidles up to her without her realising.

  And this one says ‘There’, which is there – so there’s a place called here and a place called there –

  CHESHIRE CAT: Mind if I rub against your leg?

  ALICE jumps a little, looks at him with her best hard stare. He leans against one of the signposts, using it like a scratching pole. He smiles. It’s unnerving.

  ALICE: Why are you smiling?

  CHESHIRE CAT: Why aren’t you? It takes a lot more muscles to frown than smile, you know.

  ALICE: Yeah, I need the exercise.

  CHESHIRE CAT: Feisty – I like it.

  The CAT starts to purr.

  ALICE: What are you doing?

  CHESHIRE CAT: It means I like you.

  The CAT stretches his arms up.

  Stroke my tummy.

  ALICE: Do you know how old I am?

  CHESHIRE CAT: Cat years?

  ALICE: What?

  Oh, OK, you’re a cat.

  CHESHIRE CAT: Stroke my tummy.

  ALICE: I won’t, if you don’t mind.

  God’s sake, cats, rabbits...

  The cat’s ears prick up, he’s suddenly alert.

  CHESHIRE CAT: Rabbit? Where?

  ALICE: No, not – Oh look please go away, I’ve got something I’ve got to do.

  She looks at another sign.

  This one says ‘everywhere’. But
it only points to one place.

  The CAT plays with a swingball toy attached to the pole and it spins around.

  Right, OK.

  This doesn’t make sense.

  The CAT stops and looks at ALICE, arching his back and purring.

  ALICE: Oh for god’s –

  CHESHIRE CAT: What?

  ALICE: I wish you’d stop.

  CHESHIRE CAT: Stop what?

  ALICE: Trying to. Flirt me, or whatever.

  CHESHIRE CAT: But you’re lovely.

  ALICE: Thanks, but. I’m busy.

  CHESHIRE CAT: Fair dos, my darling. Thought you might need my help, that’s all.

  ALICE: Well I don’t.

  CHESHIRE CAT: Fine. Cheery-bye.

  ALICE moves off, trying to look purposeful. The CAT sets to work attaching extra signs to the signposts. ALICE watches, surprised. The CAT continues to watch her out of the corner of his eye.

  ALICE: OK, I do need some help. But I’m only asking ‘cause you’re the only person here.

  CHESHIRE CAT: Flattery will get you everywhere.

  ALICE: Just, since you’ve got signposts, you might be able to help me find the Heart.

  CHESHIRE CAT: Ah, the Heart.

  ALICE: Geographically.

  CHESHIRE CAT: Yes yes.

  ALICE: So?

  CHESHIRE CAT: Stroke my tummy?

  ALICE: No.

  CHESHIRE CAT: Stroke my tummy. D’you want my help or not?

  ALICE looks at him, realises he won’t help unless she obliges. She reaches out and at arms’ length scratches his tummy lightly with her fingertips.

  He purrs.

  ALICE: OK, that’s enough. Which way do I go?

  CHESHIRE CAT: Any way, really.

  ALICE: Answer properly.

  CHESHIRE CAT: Well read the signs.

  The CAT shows her one of his signs. It reads ‘H R TEA’

  Look. Heart.

  ALICE: But that doesn’t say Heart.

  CHESHIRE CAT: Yes it does.

  ALICE: It says H.R. TEA.

  CHESHIRE CAT: Spells Heart.

  ALICE: But it doesn’t.

  CHESHIRE CAT: It does if you want it to.

  ALICE: Where do I get to if I follow it?

  CHESHIRE CAT: Exactly as it says – tea with the Hatter.

  ALICE: It’s short for Hatter Tea.

  CHESHIRE CAT: Yes, my darling.

  ALICE: OK, that doesn’t really help. What about this one over here –

  She goes to another sign. It also says H R TEA.

  That says the same thing.

  CHESHIRE CAT: No it doesn’t.

  ALICE: What?

  CHESHIRE CAT: It says Hare Tea. That one’s tea with the Hatter, this one’s for tea with the Hare.

  ALICE: Hare? Like a rabbit?

  CHESHIRE CAT: Rabbit? Where?

  ALICE: No, I mean –

  So ‘Hr’ means Hatter and it means Hare as well?

  CHESHIRE CAT: Yes.

  ALICE: Great, so that’s not confusing at all. And it doesn’t help me decide which way to go, either. Hatter or Hare.

  CHESHIRE CAT: They’re both mad, of course.

  ALICE: OK, can I go somewhere where there aren’t any mad people?

  CHESHIRE CAT: We’re all mad here, sweetness.

  ALICE: I’m not.

  CHESHIRE CAT: You mustn’t worry about a little thing like being mad.

  ALICE: I’m not worried. I’m not mad.

  CHESHIRE CAT: We’re all mad here, we’re all crazy as milkshake. Mad as a bag of trifle. You can’t get past Border Control, you know, without demonstrating certifiable insanity.

  ALICE: I’m not mad – something awful happened to me.

  CHESHIRE CAT: Then you’ve got an excuse – Enjoy it. Why not?

  ALICE: Because – it’s not a fun kind of mad. It’s not silly string, and – feeling a bit funny ‘cause you’ve had too many Haribos.

  Something really bad happened to me, and –

  CHESHIRE CAT: Yes?

  ALICE: You’re smiling.

  CHESHIRE CAT: I can’t help it, I’m a Cheshire Cat.

  ALICE: Something really bad happened to me and that’s why.

  CHESHIRE CAT: Bad like you climbed a tree and then couldn’t get down again?

  ALICE: Worse than that.

  CHESHIRE CAT: Bad like your mouse toy went under a radiator and as hard as you stretched you couldn’t pull it out?

  ALICE: Much worse.

  CHESHIRE CAT: Bad like someone’s opened a can of tuna and you can’t believe they’re not going to give you any?

  ALICE: Yeah, I don’t think – Forget it, I’ve got to –

  She looks at the signposts again.

  It just doesn’t make sense.

  CHESHIRE CAT: Sweetness, what use is sense to anyone?

  How adorable of you to want it to make sense. Nothing makes sense, love, just shut your eyes and accept it –

  ALICE: But I don’t know which way to go!

  CHESHIRE CAT: You end up in the same place whichever sign you follow.

  ALICE: Sorry?

  CHESHIRE CAT: Whichever sign you follow, you end up in the same place.

  ALICE: You mean – No, but one says Hatter and one says Hare.

  CHESHIRE CAT: The Hare and the Hatter are having tea together – so if you follow the sign for the Hatter you get to the Hare and if you follow the sign for the Hare, you get to the Hatter.

  ALICE: They point to the same place.

  CHESHIRE CAT: Eventually.

  ALICE: So if they all point to the same place, that must be the middle, mustn’t it? That must be the Heart... Logically.

  OK, good. It’s not me that’s mad, it’s here, it’s Wonderland. So if I was a mad person, what would I –

  CHESHIRE CAT: I could keep you company. Ever run barefoot through a lollipop field?

  ALICE: Look, I’m trying to –

  CHESHIRE CAT: Ever heard the song of the rainbow bird?

  ALICE: It’s just I’m trying to think here –

  CHESHIRE CAT: Do you know how they make stripy toothpaste?

  ALICE: Look, I’m sure you’re lovely but could you please go away.

  CHESHIRE CAT: Harsh, my darling – I’m wounded.

  ALICE: I’ll rub your tummy once more if you go away after.

  CHESHIRE CAT: How can I resist?

  He stretches and ALICE rubs his tummy very briefly.

  ALICE: OK, off you go now.

  CHESHIRE CAT: No, you go.

  ALICE: You go.

  CHESHIRE CAT: No, you.

  ALICE: Seriously. Really go.

  CHESHIRE CAT: Yeah, alright I’m going.

  Some people have no taste.

  The CAT stalks off, his tail in the air.

  ALICE: So – ok, so all I have to do is follow the signs, yeah?

  She looks at one.

  H R TEA.

  ALICE walks in the way the sign seems to be pointing.

  The signs will take me to the tea party at the centre of the universe and when I get there there’ll probably be a door –

  She looks at another sign.

  H R TEA – this way.

  ALICE walks in the direction that sign points to. She passes the POSTMAN, pulling the postbox behind him.

  Hello.

  POSTMAN: G’morning.

  ALICE: So there’ll be a door and I’ll go through it and then I’ll be back in my house.

  ALICE stops, thinking. The POSTMAN also stops and starts to search through his postbox for something.

  Back at home with all those people. And the funeral.

  POSTMAN: Hang on a minute...

  ALICE: What?

  POSTMAN: Here it is – postcard for you.

  The POSTMAN hands the postcard to ALICE and moves off.

  ALICE: Yeah, thanks for the warning, by the way, about the Duchess.

  ALICE looks down at the postcard and reads it.

  ‘Don’t forget what’s in your pocket’


  POSTMAN: Cheerio then.

  ALICE: It doesn’t say who it’s from.

  ALICE turns to the POSTMAN, but he’s gone already.

  ‘Don’t forget what’s in your pocket’? There’s nothing in my pocket, it’s all been eaten or given away as a prize or flipping confiscated or –

  Oh.

  ALICE pulls the other letter out of her pocket – the one the POSTMAN gave her earlier.

  There was a letter. Divvy.

  ALICE opens the letter. Unseen by her, the WONDERBAND arrange themselves close by.

  OK, it’s a poem or something.

  She turns the letter over.

  God, does no one sign their letters here?

  She turns it back over and starts to read.

  ’Twas brillig, and the slithy toves

  Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;

  The WONDERBAND take over and start to sing. ALICE turns around, surprised.

  WONDERBAND: (Singing)

  ’Twas brillig, and the slithy toves

  Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;

  ALICE closes the letter and the band stops abruptly.

  She turns back to read it on her own but as soon as she opens it the band starts up again.

  All mimsy were the borogoves,

  And the mome raths outgrabe.

  She closes it again and they stop.

  She opens it very quickly and they start up, then she shuts it again after only a word or so.

  ALICE turns back to the band.

  ALICE: Sorry, can’t I just read it myself –

  WONDERBANDER: We’ve been paid to sing it, so –

  ALICE: Yeah, I don’t really like being sung to.

  WONDERBANDER: If someone gives you a song you’ve got to listen.

  WONDERBANDER: Please.

  ALICE: Fine, OK, go on.

  The WONDERBAND play her the whole poem.

  WONDERBAND: (Singing)

  ’Twas brillig, and the slithy toves

  Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;

  All mimsy were the borogoves,

  And the mome raths outgrabe.

  “Beware the Jabberwock, my son!

  The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!

  Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun

  The frumious Bandersnatch!”

  He took his vorpal sword in hand:

  Long time the manxome foe he sought–

  So rested he by the Tumtum tree,

  And stood awhile in thought.

  And as in uffish thought he stood,

  The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame,

  Came whiffling through the tulgey wood,

  And burbled as it came!

  One, two! One, two! and through and through

  The vorpal blade went snicker-snack!

  He left it dead, and with its head

  He went galumphing back.