Alice

by Laura Wade

  GIRL: Rory’s already on puddings.

  BOY: He said that, did he, that he’s already on puddings?

  During this, the KNAVE steals another tart, and again is seen by ALICE, but not the BOY. It happens again a number of times.

  I mean yeah, he is, if by ‘on puddings’ you mean pudding assistant. Cause that’s as far as he can go, actually, in that job, it’s a dead end. Unless you’ve got training, experience on all the other stations. Pudding assistant’s the highest you can go unless you’ve got the basic grounding in everything else, so –

  Basically Rory’s on a path to eternal skivvitude and he doesn’t even know it.

  ALICE: Excuse me, but there’s a man –

  BOY: D’you know you’re really annoying? I told you, the palace is over there.

  ALICE: Yes, but someone’s –

  BOY: (To the girl.) By the way, are you going to the croquet?

  GIRL: Maybe, why?

  ALICE: No, fine, ignore me, carry on.

  BOY: Just they’ve given me a second ticket, so –

  GIRL: Yeah, I’ve got a ticket.

  ALICE: There’s a man stealing your cakes, yeah?

  BOY: But is it in the royal stand?

  GIRL: No.

  ALICE: Hello?

  BOY: Stick with me, princess.

  ALICE: I mean he’s being pretty obvious.

  BOY: They don’t let just anyone do the tart cooling, you know. Responsibility.

  GIRL: What tarts?

  BOY: These. Tarts.

  The BOY turns to look at the trolley, but there are no tarts left, they’ve all been taken.

  GIRL: Like I say, what tarts?

  BOY: No no no no no – no no no – oh my – They were there, where’ve they gone –

  The BOY panics.

  No no no no no I am in massive trouble. This is Jamageddon, they’re going to kill me...

  He runs off with the trolley, and the GIRL hurries after him.

  GIRL: It’s not your fault, though...

  The KNAVE comes towards ALICE, threateningly.

  ALICE: It’s not very nice, you know, taking other people’s cake –

  KNAVE: You saw nothing, right?

  ALICE: I saw you take all those – that poor boy, it’s not fair to –

  The KNAVE comes right up to ALICE and takes her chin in his hand.

  KNAVE: You didn’t see anything.

  If you tell them what you saw, I’ll kill you.

  Got that?

  ALICE nods, speechless. He leaves, stealthily.

  ALICE is left alone.

  Interval.

  ACT TWO

  The Queen’s Croquet Ground. A number of young WONDERLANDERS are playing croquet on the lawn, watched by two COMMENTATORS in their own mobile commentary box.

  ALICE sits at the edge of the lawn, with the DUCHESS next to her.

  COMMENTATOR 1: And that cracking shot concludes our warm-up match from the Junior Wonderlanders Croquet League.

  COMMENTATOR 2: Stars of the future there...

  COMMENTATOR 1: Yes indeed. And on their way to the podium now for the medals presentation.

  COMMENTATOR 2: Who knows, one day these youngsters may find themselves being presented with a medal by the queen herself.

  COMMENTATOR 1: What a proud day that would be.

  DUCHESS: Isn’t it exciting, dolly?

  ALICE: What?

  DUCHESS: To be here. Today.

  ALICE: I um – I don’t quite know how I got here.

  DUCHESS: I’m like that, I forget things all the time.

  ALICE: I mean I was just talking to that scary man and now I’m – Now I’m here.

  Sorry, where am I exactly?

  DUCHESS: Silly dolly. You’re at the queen’s croquet ground.

  ALICE: The queen of Hearts?

  DUCHESS: Aren’t you more excited than you’ve ever been? A game of croquet and then tea.

  ALICE: I don’t really know anything about croquet.

  DUCHESS: Gosh dolly, don’t say that anywhere near her majesty – the queen’s mad for croquet.

  ALICE: Is the queen here?

  DUCHESS: She’ll be here any minute, for the big match. Do you really mean to tell me you’ve never played croquet?

  ALICE: It’s a bit old-fashioned where I come from.

  DUCHESS: Darling dolly, come over here and let me show you.

  They go towards a rack of flamingos and a bucket of hedgehogs.

  ALICE: Um, look, there’s something I should tell you.

  DUCHESS: Don’t tell me – you think I’m so much calmer since you last saw me, my skin’s looking so much better...

  ALICE: Yeah, it’s just – You know the baby?

  DUCHESS: The little pig.

  ALICE: Yes.

  The DUCHESS looks at a number of flamingos.

  DUCHESS: You’ll need one of these.

  ALICE: Thing is, it turned out it was actually a pig.

  DUCHESS: Yes, I know. Horrid little thing, caterwauling all the –

  Here you are – this might be the right size.

  The DUCHESS hands ALICE the flamingo. ALICE doesn’t know how to hold it.

  ALICE: The thing is, um, I’m terribly sorry, but –

  DUCHESS: No, that’s too short.

  ALICE: I’m everso sorry but I’m afraid it ran away.

  DUCHESS: What about this one?

  The DUCHESS hands her another flamingo.

  What ran away?

  ALICE: The pig. The pigbaby. I’m really sorry. It just ran off, so –

  DUCHESS: Oh don’t worry about that, dolly. Getting that baby off my hands was the best thing I ever did – I can’t tell you how much better I feel – calmer, more adjusted, freer, less tense – so much less tense, I was carrying all this tension in my neck, in my shoulders –

  No dolly, you’re holding it the wrong way up.

  ALICE: Um, OK.

  DUCHESS: And you must greet it nicely.

  ALICE: Sorry?

  DUCHESS: Say hello.

  ALICE: Um, hello. Flamingo.

  FLAMINGO: Mr Flamingo if you don’t mind.

  DUCHESS: You’ve to be very polite or it won’t hit when you want it to.

  ALICE: Um, sorry. Mr Flamingo.

  FLAMINGO: That’s better.

  DUCHESS: Bad-tempered things, flamingos, but you have to humour them.

  FLAMINGO: I heard that.

  DUCHESS: Isn’t this fun? Now, you need a hedgehog as well.

  That’s the other good thing about losing the silly baby – now the queen will surely have me back. As soon as she sees me she’ll – You don’t think she’s only got me here to make up the numbers or something, do you?

  ALICE: I’m sure not.

  The DUCHESS has picked a hedgehog for ALICE.

  DUCHESS: Here’s a good beginner’s one, try this. Just give it a little tap with the flamingo.

  ALICE: Isn’t that cruel?

  DUCHESS: No no, they love it.

  HEDGEHOG: Hello, my name’s Roger and I’m going to be your hedgehog for today – any questions at all, don’t hesitate to ask.

  Now feel free to hit me as hard as you like – I am a professional. Though I would ask you please to avoid the facial area as I need that for my modelling contracts.

  ALICE: Modelling?

  HEDGEHOG: I’m wasted here, quite frankly.

  DUCHESS: Go on, dolly – have a go.

  HEDGEHOG: So I roll up like this and then you hit me.

  ALICE: With the flamingo.

  FLAMINGO: Mr Flamingo.

  HEDGEHOG: And then you try to get me through that little arch there, OK.

  ALICE has a go. The HEDGEHOG yelps each time he’s hit.

  Eeep! Thank you.

  DUCHESS: Very good. Keep going.

  You do think the queen will receive me today, don’t you? Just have to make sure I pick the right moment –

  A fanfare.

  Oh dolly, she’s coming, she’s coming.

  Th
e DUCHESS drags ALICE off the pitch.

  COMMENTATOR 1: If you’ve just joined us we’re reporting from the annual All – Wonderland Croquet Tournament, in the presence of her majesty the queen, croquet’s greatest fan.

  COMMENTATOR 2: And of course his majesty the king.

  COMMENTATOR 1: The king, yes, and her majesty the queen looking as radiant as ever – you know, it’s a wonder to me to think that those delicate hands were up until last night hard at work baking tarts, and yet now here she is, quite serene, not a dusting of flour or a spot of jam in sight.

  She is, truly, the Queen of Hearts.

  COMMENTATOR 2: And what a tea we shall all have later.

  COMMENTATOR 1: The white rabbit there, attending to every royal whim in his usual indispensable way, the model of discretion.

  ALICE: (To DUCHESS.) Does the White Rabbit work for the queen?

  COMMENTATOR 2: What secrets must those ears have heard, eh?

  COMMENTATOR 1: Yes indeed.

  ALICE: If he works for the queen that must mean I’m in the right place, mustn’t it?

  COMMENTATOR 2: Not um, not bad secrets, I mean –

  COMMENTATOR 1: The queen now rising from her royal seat to address the crowd – a reverent hush, if you please.

  The QUEEN stands up.

  ALICE looks at the QUEEN properly for the first time.

  ALICE: She looks like my mum!

  DUCHESS: Shhh.

  QUEEN: Most dear, most loyal, most delicious subjects.

  ALICE: She sounds like my mum, too –

  QUEEN: It is with great pleasure that you would like to thank me for laying on such a magnificent spectacle this afternoon, and for the love and fidelity that you enjoy. From me.

  ALICE: This means I’m definitely in the right place.

  DUCHESS: Really, dolly, you ought to be quiet.

  QUEEN: I think we can all agree that there is no-one in all Wonderland more wonderful than me, and for that you are of course, profoundly grateful. From the bottom of your hearts.

  ALICE: I should go and speak to her then maybe she can click her fingers or her shoes or something and get me out of here.

  ALICE steps over the rope at the side of the pitch to try to move towards the QUEEN, but before she’s covered any distance, a match OFFICIAL swoops in and stops her.

  OFFICIAL: Sorry miss, you can’t go over there.

  ALICE: But I need to speak to my –

  OFFICIAL: Come on, we don’t want any trouble – off the green, please.

  ALICE: But I want to talk to the queen.

  OFFICIAL: Only players allowed to approach the queen, miss.

  QUEEN: My husband and I were remarking only the other day how lucky you are to be ruled by such a just, reasonable, compassionate queen as me –

  There’s a shout from an unseen WONDERLANDER in the crowd.

  WONDERLANDER: Tell us about the tarts!

  QUEEN: Who said that? Off with his head!

  The KING comes closer to the QUEEN’s side.

  KING: Beheadings later, my dear – Please continue, we’re hanging on every word.

  The QUEEN composes herself and continues.

  QUEEN: I simply cannot tell you how pleased you are to be here, in the presence of me. Me are happy to invite you all – or those of you still in possession of your heads by that point – to a croquet tea at which my home made tarts will be served to the most deserving among you.

  But before that – to the match. What a happy coincidence that croquet, my favourite sport, is also the favourite sport of all Wonderlanders everywhere. And what an exciting game me will have today – a champion, undefeated for twenty-five matches, and an unknown challenger. Who among you is brave enough to take on this quest for glory?

  The QUEEN looks at the crowd. No-one volunteers.

  I SAID – who among you is brave enough to take on the challenge?

  ALICE: Why won’t anyone volunteer?

  DUCHESS: No one could defeat the champion. He’s –

  QUEEN: Never mind that the last challenger had to have a hedgehog removed from his buttocks – he was right as rain in no time.

  Come on, Wonderland. Where’s your lust for adventure?

  Still no volunteers.

  I WANT TO WATCH SOME CROQUET.

  If no one volunteers then off with everyone’s head. Off with his head, and her head, and his head and his head and off with their heads over there and...

  ALICE: If I play, I’ll get to meet the queen, right?

  DUCHESS: You play?

  ALICE looks at her HEDGEHOG and FLAMINGO.

  ALICE: What d’you think, guys?

  HEDGEHOG: No no no I’m scared, he’s scary.

  FLAMINGO: Do you know, I can’t today, I’ve got to go to the chiropodist.

  ALICE: Come on, let’s be brave, let’s do it.

  ALICE goes to the match official.

  I’d like to be the challenger, please.

  OFFICIAL: Are you sure?

  QUEEN: ... and your head and your head and –

  OFFICIAL: Your majesty – we have a challenger.

  ALICE steps forward. The QUEEN looks her up and down with a flicker of recognition, then claps her hands, delighted.

  The crowd breathes a sigh of relief.

  QUEEN: Bring out the champion!

  The crowd goes wild as the champion (wearing a helmet with a face-cage) is carried in, triumphant, and does a pre-emptive lap of honour.

  COMMENTATOR 1: The crowd going suitably loopy there for the entrance of the All-Wonderland Croquet champion.

  COMMENTATOR 2: And we’ve just been passed some statistics about today’s challenger – never been known to win a tournament, never to our knowledge even handled a flamingo.

  COMMENTATOR 1: Could this be the shortest game in the history of this venerable championship?

  The champion takes off his mask and snarls at the crowd who squeal with delight.

  ALICE recognises him.

  ALICE: That’s the man – that’s the man I saw! He’s the champion?

  FLAMINGO: The Knave of Hearts.

  ALICE: But he can’t be – I saw him –

  FLAMINGO: Never been beaten. He’s the queen’s favourite.

  HEDGEHOG: Gosh, the things he can do with a hedgehog...

  The KNAVE, having finished snarling at the crowd, advances on ALICE, menacingly. She stands with her flamingo lowered, trying to be brave. He circles her, then comes close and looks her in the eye, challengingly.

  He puts his helmet back on and smacks it down on the top of his head – he’s ready to play. The crowd whoop and cheer. The KNAVE backs away from ALICE, and goes to select a flamingo from a rack displayed to him by the OFFICIAL.

  FLAMINGO: Oooh – ahh – the blood’s all rushing to my head – ahhh –

  HEDGEHOG: You mustn’t leave him upside down for too long – the blood all rushes to his head.

  ALICE: I’m so sorry.

  ALICE lifts the FLAMINGO to an upright position.

  FLAMINGO: Oh yes, that’s much bet –

  The FLAMINGO faints, going floppy in ALICE’s arms.

  ALICE: Oh god, is he alright?

  HEDGEHOG: He’ll come round any minute.

  The FLAMINGO is still.

  Any minute now...

  ALICE: Is he going to be OK to play?

  COMMENTATOR 1: The Knave now kneeling at the feet of his patron, her majesty the queen who is –

  COMMENTATOR 2: We think –

  COMMENTATOR 1: Yes yes, she’s about to give him the royal hedgehog to play with.

  COMMENTATOR 2: An honour indeed.

  The QUEEN gives the KING a signal and he opens a small wooden box with a golden hedgehog inside it. He offers the hedgehog to the KNAVE, who takes it and bows to the QUEEN. She waves, regally, then gives her husband another signal.

  KING: Let’s play croquet!

  FLAMINGO: Come on then, let’s get on with it.

  HEDGEHOG: It’s your shot first.

  AL
ICE walks to the first hoop.

  COMMENTATOR 1: Our challenger now coming to the starting position to take the first shot.

  ALICE puts her HEDGEHOG down on the floor.

  Let’s go in for a closer look.

  The COMMENTATORS wheel themselves towards ALICE and watch her intently.

  COMMENTATOR 2: The concentration on the challenger’s face – what must she be feeling at this moment right now?

  ALICE takes the shot, and it gets almost to the hoop.

  COMMENTATOR 1: Not a bad shot there from the challenger, but will it be enough?

  The KNAVE steps onto the pitch and places his hedgehog in the starting position.

  COMMENTATOR 2: Here we go now – the Knave getting ready for the shot –

  He knocks his hedgehog towards the hoop, but it seems to be going off course.

  KNAVE: Look up there!

  Everyone except ALICE looks up in the sky where the KNAVE is pointing. He runs to his hedgehog, and taps it with his foot so that it’s going through the hoop just as everyone looks back down again.

  Sorry, thought I saw something.

  COMMENTATOR 1: Classic shot. A player at the very top of his game.

  ALICE: He was cheating!

  KING: Action replay!

  Everyone goes backwards to where they were for the KNAVE’s shot, then he plays it in slow motion as if it had gone through the hoop perfectly. The QUEEN claps with delight.

  ALICE: That’s not what happened!

  COMMENTATOR 2: A triumphant first hoop for the Knave.

  COMMENTATOR 1: Time for the challenger’s next shot – can she get through that first hoop at last?

  ALICE hits her hedgehog and it goes through the first hoop.

  COMMENTATOR 1: Yes, keeping herself in a steady second place, there.

  ALICE: Yeah, OK, I’m trying my best.

  The KNAVE steps up to take his next shot. It gets a good way towards the second hoop, but doesn’t go through it.

  The KNAVE makes a frustrated sound and smacks his flamingo’s head on the floor. The crowd inhales sharply.

  COMMENTATOR 2: The Knave showing some frustration there.

  COMMENTATOR 1: The point at which he’d usually call for a new –

  KNAVE: New flamingo!

  COMMENTATOR 1: Yes, he’s calling for a new flamingo now.

  The OFFICIAL hands the KNAVE another flamingo and the KNAVE hands the OFFICIAL his old one.

  COMMENTATOR 2: Let’s hope this helps him onto a happier footing.

  COMMENTATOR 1: What’s the challenger’s going to do now?