“Eva, I never meant to hurt you, I promise you that and I'm sorry that you're feeling crap because of me, I just don't want you to walk out of this with anything negative ...”
“You mean you don't want me to badmouth you in front of anyone, you want to feel better about yourself out of all of this regardless of my feelings ...” I interrupted.
John shifted slightly, taking a step towards me, “No, not at all, I hate myself for feeling like this and I wish more than anything that I didn't but I'm selfish, I only seem to think about my own feelings most of the time and at this moment in time I'm thinking of you … I don't want us to part on bad terms, I still love you, I'm just not in love with you.”
I smiled and sat down on the bed, “Yes John, this is the problem, for most people, love is enough, you have to be in love … you'll be forever lonely deep down if that's the case.”
He sat down beside me, I could feel his unease. He buried his head in his hands and sighed deeply, this was something rare to see, John was usually so together, I was slightly unsure what to do. I placed my hand on his back and gently stroked, he suddenly sat up, looked at me and took my face into his hands.
“Eva, I'm so confused, when I'm with you it's not enough but when I think you're going I don't want you to.”
He kissed me. Initially I didn't know how to respond but I missed his lips and more than ever I missed his affection, I couldn't help but kiss him back. As expected, it was like when we first met; heated, electric and full of anticipation. If this is what John was missing then he was certainly not going to miss out on it tonight, I knew it was for all the wrong reasons but it did feel right … there was no harm in saying goodbye?
As we involved ourselves in each other there was a huge amount of passion, perhaps a bigger passion than we'd ever previously experienced between one another, totally engrossed in satisfying each other's needs, this was perhaps the best sex we'd ever had since we'd met. John was more attentive, I was more amorous, we both seemed to have reached a mutual connection of integrity, neither of us holding back, it was like we were both strangers having rampant sex in a hotel room, no strings attached and no awkward composure, we were wanton with lust and free with our inhibitions, for me and I'm sure John would agree, the best kind of sex, ever.
When we'd completed our marathon sex session, when every position had been attempted and both of us had enjoyed several full blown orgasms we lay in each other's arms silently considering what we'd just done. I didn't feel sorry or remorseful, I'd expected to but I didn't, I was actually quite positive that it was actually what we both needed … I could now go away with this and John would be left with this, would it be enough for him to re-think his decision, only time would tell.
If it was indeed time for me to re-build my life without John then it was imperative that I took this time away from the city, away from him and involved myself in a completely different environment to assess my decision properly. If I was to take this farewell rendezvous at face value then my prognosis may not have been a fairly attempted one, this had to depend on complete independence and unwanted impressions, and this included both John and Tommy.
It just so happened that Tommy was going to be instrumental in my returning home, regardless of his situation and circumstances, we were going to see each other and no matter what, it was going to be emotional. We both may well have formed our own separate and different lives but we'd also both shared a very important chapter in our lives, for me a life changing chapter, so, as far as that was concerned, it was going to be unavoidable.
John left first thing in the morning. Nothing further was said, we didn't discuss the previous evening and we didn't elaborate on my holiday, it was a silent agreement that we said our goodbyes, I finished off my packing and I left with no turmoil or angst from his behalf. For me, I'd enjoyed our night together but felt very sad that it had to be that way. Why could we not have got to that stage without the dissolution? I can't even begin to describe the feeling I got when John entered me but it was better than the first time … how can anyone want to give up on that? I'm not sure that I did, but I wasn't sure that John didn't.
Driving off away from the house was quite emotional, I knew I'd be back whatever the outcome of my marriage but it was displeasing to think that it may not ever be our marital house again, we both had so much plans for that house; I wanted to eventually fill it with children, John was a little unsure of this prospect, more in favor of filling it with dogs (only in an attempt to fill my void of wanting children), it had never been outwardly or inwardly discussed but I knew I'd be able to convince him that children were a good idea and a natural step in a married life. The chances of this happening weren't looking good now and as I observed in the rear view mirror, like the house was becoming smaller, so were the chances of my marriage being mended.
And so began my road trip, had I reached a turning point or would either of us be able to salvage the deterioration? I loved John more than anyone I'd ever loved and to think that we'd come to end filled me with such sadness. John had behave in his usual cut throat, business manner and I couldn't even work out whether or not he was affected by my going away, if he was then he showed nothing towards convincing me either way.
As I drove through the village I purposely took more notice than I normally would have time to. Everyone was going about their business, some without a care in the world no doubt, oblivious to others problems and some carrying their world on their shoulders, like myself. I stopped off at the paper shop. I remembered that the paper bill needed paying before I left because I knew that John wouldn't have the first clue it was due, to him, the newspaper was on the breakfast table every morning and he'd be thoughtless to how it actually got there. Mrs. Hennessey, the store owner was a bright and bubbly lady who had run the shop since her mother had passed on several years ago; having no mothers in common, Mrs. Hennessey and myself had always had time for each other and I was kind of dreading speaking to her. Seeing me walk into the shop she beamed a smile that I'd been accustomed to each month when I went into pay her.
“Crikey is it that time of the month already Eva? Time does indeed fly.”
“Not quite Mrs. Hennessey but I'm going away for a few days and I don't think John knows how to take care of the little things,” I explained hoping that she wouldn't probe much further with her questioning. It wasn't because I didn't want her to know anything but I wasn't really sure there was anything to tell her anyway, it wasn't strange that I wanted to go and visit my family so there wasn't any reason for her to think things were amiss, nevertheless I just wanted to pay and run.
Thankfully a group of school children came bustling into the store which distracted her from any further conversation, she passed me the bill, I left the right money and said I would see her again in a couple of weeks, I hoped that would be the case.
Business-wise, I was always able to work from home as long as I had the internet, my grandparents were a little behind the times where technology was concerned but I'd insisted on them having it installed a while back, for keeping in touch purposes, so, at least I wouldn't be cut off from the outside world as such and I could continue to work. This was only the second time since I'd started work that I was having time away from the office, I'd never had a day's sick and the only holiday I'd ever taken was my honeymoon, I could just imagine the gossip in the office as to why I was taking unexpected leave.
It was just after midday and the traffic was light, if this was to be the case all the way to my grandparents' house I would be arriving just after dusk. My grandmother had been so excited when I told her I was coming to visit, not so animated when I told her I was coming on my own, I didn't want to lie to her or my grandfather but I decided to be frugal with the truth, there was no need at this point to worry them and I also didn't really want their interference, they didn't mean to meddle but in their own way they would think they were helping, so I just casually said that I was coming for a visit because John was working away and I
wanted some company. It wasn't a lie as such, John was working away and I actually did want the company, they just didn't need to know all the blank bits.
Typically, every song that came on the radio was to remind me of John at some point of our relationship, I was amazed, it was like the DJ knew what was going on in my life and wanted to cause me further pain, at one point when he started to play Carrie Underwood - Don't Forget To Remember Me I almost rang up the radio station to see if it was John who was playing the music that day! I turned it off, I wasn't in the mood to listen to nostalgic claptrap, I was depressed enough.
Not feeling any hunger earlier on in the morning I realized that even though my appetite had escaped me, I was starting to feel my stomach rumbling. I was pretty certain I wouldn't last until I got to my grandparents so as I drove through a quaint little village I spotted a small bakery with a parking space right in front. Knowing my grandmother there would be a large family meal on the table when I got there to greet me and I would be expected to eat well. So, with that in mind I bought a small croissant and a takeaway coffee, I then saw a park across the road with a vacant bench waiting for me to sit on it.
It was clear from my observations that the village had quite a close-knit community, from the several people walking past, whether they were enjoying a stroll or exercising their dogs they all noticed the new stranger in town. I smiled and some smiled back but some just looked at me as if I was a bit mental, a couple of dogs came close to sniff as if they recognized I was fresh meat in their midst, also probably because of my croissant.
It was a lovely looking village; plenty of greenery and the houses that were adjacent to the park were all highly maintained and cared for. One the far side of the park was a children's play area but as it was school time right then, there were only a couple of mothers sat chatting with their babies in prams. It reminded me a lot of our country home village; slightly sleepy but full of life, just not the same kind of life that you would find in the city. Here, people had time to socialize and pass the time of day, you were lucky if you could even ask the time of day in the city. People rushed around at 100 mph with no passing of communication, here it would take only a couple of yards before someone said Good Morning or suchlike.
That is why I'd insisted on John and I having the country home, we both worked so hard and needed a place to retreat to, away from the robotic chaos and insular conditions, this way it made working in the city a lot easier to deal with and allowed us to appreciate tranquility a lot more than we would if we lived in the city. I wondered where John would choose to spend his time in my absence, would he take the opportunity of freedom and stay in the apartment or would he go to the country and reflect on our separation. I kind of swayed more towards the city apartment, John had probably spent more time there than I ever had, I liked the apartment but it was more John than it was me. He liked the modern gadgets and clean cut surfaces whilst I preferred the sense of relaxation and my homely comforts in the country, we sound like we were a million miles apart but they say opposites attract and we had a nice balance in my opinion. I knew I was very lucky indeed to be able to afford these luxuries but it wasn't all one-sided, we'd both worked extremely hard to pay for it all and so we deserved to enjoy it.
The sound of what I presumed to be the school bell rang out into the sunshine and not long after a mass of excited children poured out from behind the school gates. Some were greeted by a parent, some jumped into a car parked up waiting and some, and older children made their own way home. I'd always loved school, enjoyed learning and had a good group of friends. None of them were particularly close friends but I was popular. I'd always been popular with the boys; it's what comes from being an early developer.
Gathering my things I decided I'd done enough people watching for one day and if I'd have stayed much longer I would get caught up in office traffic, not that there seemed to be a lot of offices in this village, but nevertheless it was time for me to move on. I decided to chance the radio again but this time I was greeted by Joni Mitchell, John's favorite singer of all time … the button was turned to off for the second time that day.
I tried not to but I couldn't help thinking about John as my journey continued, of course I needed to take this time and consider my options but I'd intended on doing that in a few days once I'd settled in, I still wasn't sure as to how long my visit was going to be, I suppose it depended on my thoughts, conclusions and John, we both knew we couldn't go on like this but at least I was doing something about it, John would, as usual just accept whatever the outcome would be. He didn't think he'd done anything wrong, but that was John all over, he behaved how we wanted and to Hell with the consequences, he was clueless as to whoever he hurt in the process.
As the time approached 5pm I began the descent into my home village, I always stopped at the peak of the valley and enjoyed the view looking down into the community, it seemed like on view nothing had changed, everyone was going about their business and I was about to re-enter their day to day lives. I was excited to see my grandparents and I knew that my grandmother would be pacing the kitchen by now in anticipation of my arrival. I imagined my grandfather would be just as excited but he would be busying himself with the farm and its requirements. Driving on I saw a couple of people I knew who waved at me as if I'd never been away, it felt like I'd never been away and that's what home was supposed to feel like, I was going home.
CHAPTER 4 – THE GRAND WELCOMING
Driving up the lane I could already see Dollie, our Collie, standing on guard at the threshold of the farm entrance. Instantaneously she recognized my car and began to circle and bark with delight. It was a welcoming sight to then see the farmhouse appear, it's stone building still the same as when I'd left it almost twenty years ago. Then I saw Tommy's ranch – there had been some huge changes; the first one I noticed was a big silver sign over the top of the gates, “The Silver Stallion' shone out in bold, black letters with the silhouette of a rearing horse, it certainly gave the impression of importance. Managing to bypass a frenzied dog my car drove onto the familiar gravel of the farmyard and as I suspected, my grandmother was waiting, probably impatiently, by the window, as soon as she saw my car her face broke into a smile.
She came rushing out and before I'd even had time to get out of the car she was calling for my grandfather to come out from wherever he was. The two of them opened the car door, almost fighting between themselves in the process. Dollie jumped straight past them, over my knee and into the driving seat and made herself known that she wasn't to be moved. Laughing I jumped out of the car, left the door open for Dollie to get out and fell straight into the arms of both my grandparents.
Squeezing them as tight as I could I then took a good look at them both, understandably they had aged so much but I noticed how thin and frail my grandmother was. I'd always taken after my grandfather's side in the body stakes, Grandma had always been slim and working on the farm had kept her figure but now, now she looked underweight. Perhaps it would be me making sure she ate well during my time there, I doubt Grandpa was any good in the kitchen, he'd not even known how to make a cup of tea when I'd lived there so preparing and cooking food wasn't an option, unless it was a BBQ of course.
“Quick, come on inside, Grandpa will get your cases, I'll put the kettle on and then you can tell me all about your news, we have an hour or so before everyone gets here,” she fussed with my handbag and made a few failing attempts to get Dollie out from the car. Dollie stayed put.
“What do you mean … before people get here?” I knew it was a silly question, I'd expected a fuss but hadn't realized my homecoming was going to be a full on get together, I should have known better but with a smile and a sense of foreboding, I gathered my personals and followed Grandma into the house.
It was with much comfort that I realized not a lot had changed since I'd last been in the house, the familiar smells, décor and furniture had been lost in an affable time warp which didn't really surprise me, it was a pleasure
to be welcomed with such memories and I had to accept that my grandparents had no reason to change their lives as they'd always been so happy with the cards that had been dealt them in the first place. However, this life now seemed so old fashioned to me, not in a bad way, completely the opposite in fact but it was surreal to think that my life had changed so much in comparison to their blissful ignorance. Just like the house, my grandparents behavior hadn't altered either, they still remained as solid as a rock, a steadfast team of togetherness and it wasn't hard for me to remember that this had kept me sane as a child as well as setting me a great example into my adult life. Therefore it seemed such a shame that I was back in their lives for reasons that were beyond my control and yet I felt so much to be blamed for. What I had to remind myself was that none of this was my fault, John was the critical, unhappy partner, I was just giving myself some time to hopefully reconstruct the foundations of our relationship.
Whilst my sweet, unacquainted Grandmother busied herself in the making of tea, my love and admiration for her ignorance was shyly coveted. In an ideal world I would have jumped up, put a stop to her fussing over the steeping of a tea bag and shouted that my husband was an inconsiderate bastard who continually felt the need to put me down at every opportunity, that he made me doubt myself and more importantly had no praise but only reproach for my 'size'. I know for certain that my grandmother would have been horrified at his thoughts and his treatment of me but I felt that I couldn't do that to her. My grandmother thought that all was well in the Cain household and until I was sure that this was a falsehood I wasn't prepared to worry her unnecessarily, I was also not prepared to actually believe it myself. I took great repose in my welcome, my cup of tea and instructions from my grandmother to 'drink up and freshen up for the party'.
Rodeo (BBW Cowboy Romance) (BBW Western Romance) Page 7
