As I gathered myself and my thoughts in the intimacy of my old bedroom I looked out of the window and saw that people were starting to arrive, I knew that this was scenario was going to involve Tommy, I hadn't wanted to ask my grandparents but I knew it was coming, I loathed it, dreaded it and most of all was excited by it. I wasn't certain how Tommy would show up; with his partner, on his own, with feelings as my own or completely complacent and looking forward to a familiar, old friend. It was a confusing time and one I didn't come home specifically for, whatever happened though it was inevitable.
More than ever, perhaps consciously or not, I dressed with care. Many years had passed since I'd last seen Tommy; I had been leaving for university when we last spoke and he'd said goodbye to a teenager, I was now in my 30's and a lot had happened personally and physically. For those reasons I was taking particular reference to how he now saw me. I know what you're thinking … 'if she's taking those kind of things into consideration then she must still hold a torch' but it wasn't like that at all, Tommy was a very important part of my life and how he saw me now was just as important as the time when he saw me leave. So, I chose a pair of bootleg jeans with a clean, crisp white cotton shirt, belted at the waist and booted at the heel, I looked and felt comfortable, sexy and womanly.
I was ready to face him.
By the time I got downstairs the party was in full swing, it was strange to see all the same faces, a little older but I don't think at that point that anyone who'd attended that fateful barbeque all those years ago was absent from this party. I may have moved on but the people of Brereton Valley had definitely not. I swirled from group to group, it felt no different to the city social gatherings. In the city this was known as networking; the more you spread yourself the better it was for business but back on the farm this was just 'catching up' and it was a relief not to be passing a business card around constantly. These were people that I'd known all my life, they knew my background and they knew my existence, they were my extended family and it was such a pleasure to be back amongst them.
Everyone was so eager to hear about my life, about John and about my work. I talked and mingled and actually felt a little selfish that I wasn't able to give time to ask them the same questions, before I'd had the chance to finish an answer, someone was asking me another question. I hardly had time to take a breath, however my breath was unexpectedly taken away from me the minute I saw Tommy walk into the yard.
My hand involuntarily drew itself to my stomach as I felt the somersaults.
Standing before me was the same Tommy; he still had the reassuring athleticism, blonde curly hair and hypnotic blue eyes. Granted, he had put a few pounds on but they were muscular rather than body weight. He smiled as his kind eyes scoured the scene and found my gaze.
I realized that he had mouthed 'Hello' at me.
Realizing that my stomach was still somersaulting I didn't trust myself to do anything else rather than smile back at him but I immediately scanned the bigger picture to see if he had arrived with anyone else, I was slightly aware that if I mouthed back at him or blushed, his partner may cotton on to our reunion. He was now walking towards me, in a childish kind of way I wanted to run in the opposite direction but we were 20 years down the line and that kind of behavior would seem more juvenile than if I'd done it 20 years ago. I had to take what was coming, regardless of my memories, our history or what was to happen in the future, Tommy was an old friend and there was no reason at all for me to want to ignore that.
“Hey you,” he said, kissing my cheek without hesitation.
As his lips touched my skin I felt a shock of excitement burst throughout my entire body, this wasn't going to be as easy as I thought, my feelings for Tommy hadn't died, they hadn't even faded, I was perhaps in more trouble than I'd originally thought. My hand laid on his shoulder as he greeted me and judging from his reaction, he'd felt the same surge of electricity as I had, his expression following confirmed it.
“Long time-no see, Blondie. How's life been treating you? Good from where I'm standing.”
There came the blush. I hated my treacherous self for letting me down but I'd hoped with the dusky lighting that he wouldn't have noticed, was it because I'd heard the familiar nickname or the compliment about me looking good? Who was I kidding, it was the whole package, I was re-igniting my feelings for Tommy but had they ever gone away? I had to remember it was me who went away, Tommy may have picked up with someone else and got on with his life but at this moment in time, he was alone and I was alone. For a split second, if not more, I'd forgotten John … but … John, I felt had forgotten me a long time ago.
“C'mon, let's go get a drink,” Tommy suggested, even though I was holding a full glass.
I followed him into the barn and felt extremely conscious that everyone was watching us, it was eerily similar to the night we'd first made love. Paranoid that the congregation of Brereton were watching our every move and knew our intentions, it seemed we had slipped into a parallel universe and our teens were being re-lived, just with more wrinkles.
I watched as Tommy seemed to automatically reach for a bottle of champagne that was waiting for us on the side of the bar, had he organized this or was it just a random bottle that he'd found? Pouring the glasses we suddenly made eye contact and Tommy stopped pouring.
“I bet you're used to this … you being a grown-up city girl?” His words, in my opinion, felt slightly condescending.
“Champagne doesn't hold for snobbery, Tommy, and neither should you, I'm just as happy with a beer … besides, I seem to remember that champagne gets me into sticky situations ...”
He smiled with humor. “I do hope so.”
Despite his attempt at humor, I was reluctant to accept it, I had to remember that I was going through a difficult time in my life and sexual connotations resulting from teenage nostalgia weren't something I should be giving time to … I had my feelings about Tommy, I'd be a liar to deny that but for the time-being I had to learn to suppress them, Tommy was the least of my problems at that moment and I didn't need him or my emotions adding to them.
I placed my glass of champagne on the bar and grabbed a bottle of beer, I don't know why, perhaps it was a silent gesture to Tommy that champagne signified the past and the beer meant that I'd moved on … a ridiculous endeavor perhaps but personally it made me feel a bit better. I had to discourage rather than encourage, I was a married woman after all and in spite of John's discourse, I wasn't here to rekindle a romance that hadn't been enough for me in the first place. However, even my own integrity and loyalty was confusing me, it was too soon, my grandparents meant well in their welcoming soiree but being in the same company as Tommy was addling my mind.
Battling with my thoughts, whether they developed into anything or not, I played a silent game of tug of war; I was having innocent, flirtatious fun with an old flame which was flattering, but, on the other hand if I was to continue, physically or mentally, it was a betrayal to John. Had he been there with me then I would never behave in such a way, Tommy probably wouldn't have even attended but John wasn't there and our marriage was in crisis, I owed it to my vows at least to behave myself.
I remembered happily how I had promised John at our wedding that 'through the good times and the bad times, I would stand by him and behave as a supportive wife. I turned to Tommy, I had made my decision.
“I'm turning in now Tommy, this isn't a good idea … and I know you're going to say that we're only having a drink … but, I'm married and we have history. It's not appropriate … so, goodnight and I'm sure we see each other over the next couple of days.”
Standing with the moonlight behind him I only saw Tommy's outline, I was unable to see the expression on his face as I explained myself and for that I was truly thankful. I wasn't out to hurt him, I wasn't even sure it would hurt him but that would be delving too deeply into something that needn't be explored.
At that very moment I needed to speak with John. I went up to the farmhouse and ret
ired to my room. Unpacking my holdall I reached for my laptop, if I was to try and speak with John I would try to Skype him, it was necessary for me to see his face, to observe his happiness or his irritation at speaking with me. This may have seemed a very black and white way of looking at this particular situation but I had to see.
The call connected and I listened with trepidation as the line continued to ring out, just when I thought it was going to disconnect, John answered. It took a couple of seconds for the connection to settle down but there he was.
“Eva, you got there safely then?” He was in his study, I could see the familiar backdrop to his desk in the background. Surrounded by glass cabinets displaying all of John's football trophies and sports medals; he always insisted that having these inadvertently on show whilst Skypeing his colleagues were an intimidator tactic on his behalf, I personally don't think anyone really took any notice but I humored him all the same.
“I know I came away to give us some space John but I just had to speak to you … “
I noticed John shift uncomfortably in his chair, I then noticed something else, something that jolted me slightly … in one of the display cabinet reflections I saw a figure; John wasn't alone. I decided against asking him straight away.
“Are you working from home … did I disturb you?” I enquired as casually as possible.
“No, I've done all I need to do today, you caught me just before I was going up to bed, I'm at the Mercer Conference all day tomorrow so it's going to be a full on day, so … if there's nothing important Eva, I should go and get some sleep.”
As he finished his sentence I watched as the figure moved, I couldn't get a good look but I saw that whoever it was, she was wearing a white bra and panties. I was lost for words, but John was quick to speak,
“Maybe we can catch up tomorrow Eva … but now, I have to go. Night,” and before I was even able to reply, the line was disconnected. I sat in silence, fighting back tears. Was this the reason for John's sudden change in attitude to our marriage? Was he having an affair or was he just having sex with random women, in our bed? I really didn't know whether I was angry, sad or disgusted, I needed to know but how could I do that with hundreds of miles between us?
I felt anger needling at me, what exactly was John up to? How dare he have another woman in our house, never mind our bed! If I had been closer in distance I would have got in my car right there and then and returned home to confront it all but of course John knew how far away I was and that whatever the conniving bastard was getting up to he would, or thought he would get away with it!
I'd never been in this kind of situation before and I really didn't know what to do for the best or for the worst … I supposed some people would head straight for a drink, smash something up or, scream and shout. Drink was the last thing I wanted, I wasn't a violent person and if was a screamer or a shouter then I wasn't sure that any sound would come out at that moment. Speaking with my grandparents wasn't an option and the only other person I would've considered talking to about it was Tommy, that wasn't an option right now. So, I called Miguel.
After apologizing for the late call, Miguel told me kindly not to be silly and totally understood my call. Like me, he was surprised but he had a plan which was something that had certainly escaped me. Miguel offered to drive over to the house, see if he could find anything out, I agreed and he told me to wait by the phone for his report. I couldn't help, despite the seriousness, find some slight humor in Miguel's approach to the situation. He was very clinical about the whole thing and I now imagined him to be adorning a balaclava and black attire to assist him in his covert operation. He was driving off into the night to spy, like a private eye with attitude, God help John if he found out anything … not only would Miguel's eyes pop out of their dramatic little sockets but he would annihilate John's reputation with flair and extravagance. There was never a time or a place for decorum and tact with Miguel, however, whatever he discovered, I trusted I would be the first to know; Miguel would at least wait for my instructions before he sent John out into the lions.
It seemed to drag on for hours and hours waiting for Miguel to call me back, I did have a drink but I was careful not to have too much, I didn't want my judgment to be clouded once I was told the truth and I didn't want to fall asleep. Round and round in my head I visualized John with that woman, whoever she was, I tried several times to put it out of my head, I knew I shouldn't. I had seen someone after all but could it have been an assistant from the office … I pulled myself up instantly, why was I making excuses for what I'd seen, assistant or not … whoever she was, she was dressed only in underwear … it had better have been hers!
It was two twenty eight in the morning when the phone rang. My stomach lurched as I listened to what Miguel had to say.
He was unusually inanimate in his delivery. “There was another car on the driveway, a silvery blue Mercedes and when I got there none of the upstairs lights were on, the front reception room on the left however was giving out a small glow, heading for that window, I saw that John was in there, sitting with his back to the window, he was sat on the sofa so all I could see was the back of his head, I couldn't see anyone else in the room and because his car wasn't actually on the driveway I was sure that he had borrowed the Mercedes and that he was alone, however, another head appeared and I'm sorry to say that it appeared to rise from his lap … I'm sorry Eva but the other woman was someone we both know … it was Helena Grainger.”
The words hit me like a sledgehammer. Helena Grainger, a fellow Chief Executive at John's firm, a skeletal, hard faced woman whom I'd always harbored suspicions towards, as far back as our wedding I had felt was too familiar with my husband and now my suspicions were confirmed. John had always allayed my opinions about Helena, laughing them off, telling me that he would never be interested in a woman with whom he'd always found brash, classless and as cold as ice, well it seemed that he was attempting to thaw her out in our marital home and he wasn't going to get away with it. Miguel asked what my plan of action would be next but I didn't have a clue, it was far too early to be that organized. I had to digest the initial information and its connotations before I surrendered to any kind of confrontation, revenge or solution to John's infidelity. However, I wasn't ignorant of the fact that having just learnt that my husband was being unfaithful, I didn't feel the need to cry, in fact I wasn't bearing any kind of emotion … I felt numb.
A slight feeling of nausea crept over me the next morning as I remembered what I'd been told the previous night and today was the day I would possibly find out more, good or bad. I headed down into the kitchen and tried to paint on a brave face in front of my grandparents. Grandma had made a huge breakfast but I didn't have the heart to turn her down, I decided to encourage the family waste disposal unit, Dollie to sit by my feet at the table, as soon as no-one was looking, Dollie guzzled up the scraps I gratuitously passed to her between my legs, she didn't care about my hidden agenda.
Grandpa finished his breakfast and attempted to make a discreet exit, kissed my grandmother on the head as he always did and disappeared into the yard, Grandma seemed to be waiting for the right moment, I decided to make it easy for her.
“I don't know right now what the future holds Grandma, I came here for some time to think but last night I discovered that John is having an affair.”
There, I had said it out loud. Grandma didn't look shocked, in fact she didn't belie any reaction, she just poured out another cup of tea. (Grandma was a firm believer that a good, strong cup of tea would make the worst of all problems better).
“Do you still love John?”
I held onto the mug of steaming tea and blew into the vapors, “Yes but I don't know whether he still loves me or not, I suppose not if he can sleep with another woman.”
Grandma gave a sigh, “Not necessarily Eva, men are strange creatures and sometimes feel the need to sleep with many women as well as their wives, they like to think they are varying their options, plus they can t
reat sex as it is, just sex, with no emotional involvement.”
I knew this, I'd had so many conversations with different women whose husbands were having affairs behind their backs, I never understood how these women stood by their men but they did and now it was happening to me, could I stand by my man? I suppose in my heart of hearts I always knew that John may stray; he was a powerful business man who was attractive enough on its own but then with his dashing good looks and charming personality, he was bound to attract other women's attentions but to now have to be actually dealing with it was a different matter.
Rodeo (BBW Cowboy Romance) (BBW Western Romance) Page 8
