“Why don't you give your grandfather a hand in the yard today, it may help clear your head?” Grandma suggested.
It sounded as good a plan as any and right now I didn't have any other options to deduce. I found Grandpa in the dairy, he'd already walked the cows out into the meadow so now it was slopping out time, not a job I'd ever particularly relished but I got stuck in all the same. Grandpa wasn't a big talker, never had been; he was a whistler. If ever there was a silence Grandpa filled it with a cheery chirping whistle, I don't think he ever whistled an actual song so long as it was a tune of some kind, it would drive my grandmother mad which made him do it all the more. As I shoveled the cow dung into the barrow I noticed the silence as opposed to the whistling, looking round I saw Grandpa sitting on the milking stool watching me.
“Err, have you gone on strike?” I joked.
Reaching into his pocket and pulling out his morning cigarette, (Grandpa smoked three cigarettes a day, one in the morning, one in the afternoon and one just before bedtime) he took a deep inhalation and held it inside for one long, savory moment, as he blew it out he cleared his throat.
“You going to leave him then?” he enquired.
I was a little startled at his impetuous manner, it wasn't like Grandpa to come out with questions or statements, he usually left that kind of thing to Grandma, I'd never really encountered such a conversation with him previously and it threw me off guard, however I responded as best I could, there was no point in hiding it from him, he knew something was going on.
“I don't know Grandpa, to be honest. I haven't reached any kind of decision yet,” I continued to clear the barn.
“You don't get to forty years of marriage without working things through Eva but if there's nothing to work out then you need to stop wasting your time, I always knew that man would hurt you in the end,” he stubbed out his cigarette butt on the barn floor and kicked it towards the pile of dung I'd swept up. He then walked out of the barn.
Left alone, surrounded by a pile of cow dung I couldn't help but smile to myself, I was definitely in the shit.
There was nothing more to do than to contact John again, I had to come clean instead of cryptic conversations and tell him it was over. It wasn't just the whole affair thing, there were other things I was unhappy with, one of them being his constant put downs and patronizing behavior, that wasn't how you were meant to treat your loved ones, he showed no respect for me or my career and I was beginning to feel like his employee rather than a wife he'd vowed to love, honor and obey. I shouted to Grandpa that I would be back to finish off later and I ran into the house to do what needed to be done.
I rang Helena's mobile, she answered and I could tell by the strain in her voice that she was surprised by my call.
“Eva … is everything okay? I don't usually hear from you,” she questioned nervously.
I went straight in for the jugular. “Helena, I think you probably know from me phoning you in the first place that there's no point in lying to me so I'd appreciate your honesty from now on ...” I was firm in voice but my heart was thumping its way out of my chest. “I know about you and John, is he there with you right now … and please Helena, don't lie to me.”
“No, he's not, he's driven into the nearest village to get some wine, I think,” she offered, realizing that she'd been defeated; at least I'd now got confirmation and a part of me knew that I may not have got that from John, I kind of suspected he would deny it for as long as he thought he could get away with it.
“I'm not phoning you to hear your thoughts Helena but thank you for not lying, although the last thing you deserve is my thanks. Ok, now I know. How long has it been going on for?”
There was a long pause, “I really think you should be talking to John about this,” her voice trembled.
“If I'd wanted to talk to John about this Helena I wouldn't have bothered to phone you now would I? John is a liar, as well as a cheat, but then you'd know that already, he can't be trusted to tell me the truth and so far you have, so, please continue and tell me how long you and John have been having an affair.”
“Since you got married.”
The delivery of words was like a bullet in my chest, catching my breath I was genuinely scared I'd forget how to breathe again. I'd known though, or at least I'd suspected, even on our wedding day. I felt sick. Helena offered an apology but I wasn't really listening, I replaced the receiver and burst into tears, a mixture of anger, relief that I now knew for sure and disgust at my husband swirled around inside my head but now it was all out in the open I would have to deal with it. Walking down the stairs into the kitchen I came across Grandma,
“I think that kettle needs to be switched on Grandma,” I tried to smile and put on a brave face but failed miserably.
Over our tea I told Grandma about the recent phone call to Helena and Grandma was amazed at my approach and strength, little did she know I was breaking inside; I was sad that my marriage was now over but I was raging with fury that my side of that marriage had been a facade, John had been sleeping with another woman from day one, I'd never been his No. 1 priority, always knowing that I was second to his business was bad enough so now this actually made me No. 3, if I was even that lucky.
“What kind of a woman can be with a man knowing that he's married?” Grandma claimed in amazement, “All those years running around behind your back, and in your house!”
I was trying not to think of that but I guess it all had to be considered, it was quite nauseating to think that my husband, from the start had never been faithful to me, did I want to know why? Was it now necessary to find out all the answers or was that a pointless exercise? It was starting to dawn on me that my marriage was indeed a sham; our vows, a pointless transition of words and my hopes and future plans, an empty, almost sinister joke.
What shocked me more than anything was that in spite of all this recent information I didn't feel the text book reaction and following my conversation with Helena, I knew that John would learn this and I was unprepared for the next stage. I actually didn't feel what I thought I was supposed to feel, surely I should have been ranting, wanting to go back to the city to have it out with him, challenge his revolting behavior and put a stop to him and Helena … I found those feelings were lacking.
Grandma stood from her chair and took me in her arms, her embrace was warm, loving and gave me a fleeting strength that encouraged me to be even stronger; feeling her support was of immense comfort and that was what I was all about. John was clearly a stranger to me now, I'd have expected this kind of feeling from the man I married; loyalty, faith and compassion, however I'd married a man who had gone into our marriage half-heartedly whilst lending his feelings, emotions and intimacy with another woman, I could never forgive that and he certainly didn't deserve my second chance.
As Grandma released her supportive hold on me, we were interrupted by my mobile phone ringing. I looked at the interface, it was John calling, I couldn't ignore this, this was probably the integral call that would determine what the future held.
“Hello ...” I was nervous but at the same time I needed to hear whatever he had to say, no matter how much it hurt me, thankfully I was prepared.
“Eva,“ John's voice was clipped, I knew by his tone that he'd spoken with Helena.
“John.” I took a long, deep sigh. I honestly couldn't bring myself to say anything further to that, what was there to add?
He continued thankfully because I was, at that point, quite happy to put the phone down.
“Eva, I have just had Helena on the phone.”
I found it interesting that he entered into the conversation with that remark; by telling me this (which I already knew) he was relinquishing any explanation from his own mouth. Finally he seemed to accept that I knew what had been going on, there was no point in asking me what was wrong, how I was, etc. We were on the same page and now it had to be dealt with, whether he liked it or not.
“Yes John, we had the conversation an
d everything is clear to me now, but, I'm not really interested in your side of things any longer, there's no point whatsoever in discussing it. It is what it is and you've done what you've done. I hope it was worth it but I don't think it was, what I do know is, it's over. You're both welcome to each other so hang up the phone, move your things out of the house and let me continue with my life.” I was very calm in my delivery and I meant every single word.
There was a slight pause and then John replied, “It's not really as clear cut as that Eva and you know that …”
What the hell did he mean by that? It was as far as I was concerned, he'd cheated and I'd found out plus this hadn't been a slight indiscretion, it was a full blown, love affair that had held its own for years; it wasn't about sex, they had feelings for each other and they were more important than concentrating or sacrificing for a marriage.
I challenged John, I wasn't about to back down with my questions. “Clear cut? John, are you serious? You have been seeing Helena throughout our marriage, what the hell do you think that makes our marriage?” I had so much more to say but I had to deliver that question to him to find out his answer.
“It just happened Eva, but I never wanted to marry Helena, I wanted to marry you, surely that counts for something at least?” he pathetically explained.
I very nearly laughed out loud down the receiver. Was he actually, on top of everything else, trying to patronize me?
My blood was starting to boil and the feeling was beginning to overtake my sensibility,
“Are you kidding me John, seriously? What does the word 'marriage' actually mean to you, because from what you've just stated, you married me because it's an ownership thing which is so typical of you.” I couldn't portray much more flair in my remark, “You knew that you could still have Helena no matter what but you had to marry me to own me.”
Immediately John reacted to my comment, “That wasn't it at all Eva, I just couldn't let go of Helena. I never loved her and I still don't … I always wanted to commit to you, that wasn't the issue at all.”
For once in my life, and I wouldn't consider myself to be verbose and opinionated, I was speechless, but, I couldn't allow my stunned emotions to conquer my defense.
“You, John Cain, are a hypocrite. Commitment means fidelity and you do not have that, and what's more, you don't understand the concept of it. You wanted your cake and you wanted to eat it, you did for a while, but trust me, no more.” I meant every word I spoke, for me, John and I were done.
Without a second thought I replaced the receiver and didn't regret it for one single moment. I did expect a call back but perhaps John thought it a good idea not to, it would have been the first good idea he'd decided upon so for that I was thankful. I hated him, I pitied his weakness and most of all I savored my dignified approach, I was over his attitude and treatment of me, who the hell did he think he was?
CHAPTER 6 - AGAINST ALL ODDS
Taking in my reflection I realized that I wasn't in the slightest bit critical of myself, considering I'd recently found out my husband had been cheating on me, that he'd been cheating with a woman from before we were married and that he wasn't even charming enough to treat me with a guilty conscience, I should have been beside myself with woe, pity and self-disgust; I was surprisingly proud of myself, I'd dealt with the whole thing in an adult manner, I didn't doubt myself and place the blame on me … it wasn't my fault that this had happened, Helena was clearly in this for herself and had maintained a hold on John despite his marital promise to another woman. I hadn't failed, I was involved in a warped competition, ignorant to the rules and regulations, the 'other woman' had the upper hand and I'd never stood a chance. Had I known what I was up against I knew that Helena would have always come second best, John may have been the powerful business man but in his personal life, he was a sad, weak walkover with no control over anything apart from his libido. Shallow, and not my idea of attraction; he was completely the opposite in fact. As far as I was concerned, I was quite within my rights to hate him, and Helena.
Weirdly, I felt nothing but irritation. They could do whatever they wanted, I didn't feel any fight within me, almost as if I was relieved that it was now all in the open and I could move on with my life. I didn't even feel a pull to return to the city, for now I was better off here, at home with my loved ones and with people that genuinely had my best interests at heart. I didn't particularly want to encourage anything with Tommy or anyone else in particular (especially with anyone else), but this whole sorry mess wasn't about acknowledging Tommy and I. My marriage was over long before Tommy and I had re-ignited anything and it may have been over but I wasn't about to re-bound into something because of that.
It was a difficult process but I tried to get a good night's sleep, I knew that tomorrow was going to be a stressful day, something told me that John wasn't about to take any of this lying down, he was a control freak and he liked to be the one to terminate a procedure, not the other way around, he wouldn't let me go without a fight, even if he didn't ultimately want me as the prize. Ownership was more important to John than rejection; both disturbed and angered him so I knew that he would be boxing clever right now. If I knew John, which clearly I didn't, he would be pacing the floor right now, Helena would no doubt be receiving a hysterical call from him in the next couple of minutes and then he would put his own plan into action. I turned off my mobile phone so that he was unable to phone me and I doubted very much that he had the farm number as he'd never needed to phone there, I knew it was listed ex-directory so he wouldn't be able to get in touch with me at all, he would be livid.
I felt drained, I needed to re-charge some energy, my bio-rhythms were all over the place, feeling that some fresh air might help I decided to go for a walk. Down by the river I seemed to find exactly the peace I was looking for, the outdoors and its entire spacious expanse ironically embraced me and gave me the inner survival kit to be able to process my problems and find resolve. I would soon be free from an unhappy marriage, a marriage that felt more like a business deal than it did a relationship; a relationship that was a triangular guise involving a man who belittled me and took me for granted, I wondered if he treated Helena in this way but I didn't care to dwell too much on that, my mixed emotions of relief and sadness would soon pass and I would be better off without either of them in my life.
So absorbed in my thoughts, I hadn't heard anyone approaching me, just as the footsteps snapped a twig close by I jumped and before I could make any kind of escape I was grabbed. The startling realization was that whoever had a hold on me was unwilling to let me go, I was caught in their grip and I was defenseless in any way of escape. I began to panic, all my life I'd dreaded this kind of thing happening to me, to have someone attacking me and God forbid it ended in rape. It was only when I smelt the familiar after-shave did I realize that it was Tommy.
“Penny for those naughty thoughts, Blondie,” he pushed me over into the grass.
“Tommy! For Christ's sake, you scared me half to death, you idiot!” I was half laughing but half gasping for breath not to mention trying to wrestle him off me. I should have been angry but how could I ever be angry with Tommy, he was just an overgrown kid at heart and once I'd got over the fact that I wasn't in any danger I could actually see the funny side of it.
He kissed me playfully on the forehead and let me go. Sitting by my side, he nudged me with his elbow, “What ya doing out here?”
“Just thinking things through really, I've called John and he knows I know about him and Helena,” I explained.
Tommy remained silent, watching my pitiful attempt at a daisy chain, “I don't think he's going to take it lying down though Tommy, he doesn't like to lose so I'm kind of expecting him to turn up here, he knows I won't return to the house for now, I don't need to, I can work online and I can't be bothered with the confrontation.”
“Is that it then, it's over?” Tommy enquired, passing me a daisy.
“Oh yes, there's no question about that
, this is the final straw; he has no respect for me, no consideration and definitely no love. I'm a trophy wife to him and that's about it, him and Helena have been carrying on since before we were married, in effect he couldn't or wouldn't marry her so it was 'find someone else' but they continued to see each other.” I felt anger rage inside me as I relayed it all to Tommy, I don't think it was anger that it was over, more like anger at myself for being fooled so long, of course I'd suspected something but that 'something' I was unable to pinpoint and put my finger on so instead of assimilating my suspicions, I'd submerged them to the back of my mind, I certainly didn't anticipate it had been continuing for so long.
Rodeo (BBW Cowboy Romance) (BBW Western Romance) Page 11
