The Broken Kingdoms it-2

by N. K. Jemisin

  It was true, every word of it; I knew it with instinctive certainty. And I was afraid. But…

  "I couldn't bear it if you died," I said softly. I could not meet his eyes. It was a variation on the same thing he'd told me months before, and it hurt to say now as much as his words had hurt to hear then. "It's different, knowing I'll lose you when I die. That's… right, natural. The way things have to be. But-" And I could not help it; I imagined his body in that alley, his bluegreen scent fading, his warmth cooling, his blood staining my fingers and nothing, nothing, where the sight of him should be.

  No. I would rather die than allow that to happen.

  "So be it," I said. "I've killed three men. It was an accident, but they're still dead. They had dreams, maybe families… You know all about debts owed, Mad. Isn't it right that I repay? As long as you're safe."

  He said a word that rang of fury and fear and sour chimes, and it burst against my vision in a splash of cold aquamarine, silencing me. He let go of me then, moving away, and belatedly I realized that I had hurt him in my willingness to give my life. Obligation was his nature; altruism was its antithesis.

  "You will not do this to me," he said, cold in his anger, though I heard the taut fear that lay under it. "You will not throw away your life because you were unlucky enough to be nearby when those fools started their blundering 'investigation.' Or because of that selfish bastard who lives with you." He clenched his fists. "And you will never, ever again offer to die for my sake."

  I sighed. I didn't want to hurt him, but there was no reason for him to stay in the mortal realm and put up with petty mortal politics. Not even for me. I had to make him see that.

  "You said it yourself," I said. "I'm going to die one day; nothing can prevent that. What does it matter whether that happens now or in fifty years? I-"

  "It matters," he snarled, rounding on me. In two strides, he crossed the room and took me by the shoulders again. This caused a ripple in the surface of his mortal shape. For an instant, he flickered blue and then settled back, sweat sheening his face. His hands trembled. He was making himself sick to make a point. "Don't you dare say it doesn't matter!"

  I knew what I should have said then, what I should have done. I had encountered this with him before-this fierce, dangerous, all-consuming need that drove him to love me no matter how much pain that caused. He was right; he needed a goddess for a lover, not some fragile mortal girl who would let herself get killed at the drop of a hat. Dumping me had been the smartest thing he'd ever done, even if letting him do it had been the hardest choice I'd ever made.

  So I should have pushed him away. Said something terrible, designed to break his heart. That would've been the right thing to do, and I should've been strong enough to do it.

  But I've never been as strong as I would like.

  Madding kissed me. And gods, was it sweet. I felt him this time, all the coolness and fluid aquamarine of him, the edges and the ambition, everything he'd held back two nights before. I heard the chimes again as he flowed into me and through me, and when he pulled away, I clutched at him, pulling him close again. He rested his forehead on mine, trembling for a long, pent moment; he knew what he should do, too. Then he picked me up and carried me back to the pile of cushions.

  We had made love before, many times. It was never perfect-it couldn't be, me being mortal-but it was always good. Best of all when Mad was needy the way he was now. He lost control at such times, forgot that I was mortal and that he needed to hold back. (By this I don't mean his strength, though that was part of it. I mean that sometimes he took me places, showed me visions. There are things mortals aren't meant to see. When he forgot himself, I saw some of them.)

  I liked that he lost control, dangerous though it was. I liked knowing I could give him that much pleasure. He was one of the younger godlings, but he had still lived millennia to my decades, and sometimes I worried that I wasn't enough for him. On nights like this, though, as he wept and groaned and strained against me, and scintillated like diamond when the moment struck, I knew that was a silly fear. Of course I was enough, because he loved me. That was the whole point.

  ***

  Afterward we lay, spent and lazy, in the cool humid silence of the late-night hours. I could hear others moving about in the house, on that floor and the one above: mortal servants, some of Madding's people, perhaps a valued customer who'd been given the rare privilege of buying goods direct from the source. There were no doors in Madding's home, because godlings regarded them as a nuisance, so the whole house had probably heard us. Neither of us cared.

  "Did I hurt you?" His usual question.

  "Of course not." My usual answer, though he always sighed in relief when I gave it. I lay on my belly, comfortable, not yet drowsy. "Did I hurt you?"

  He usually laughed. That he stayed silent this time made me remember our earlier argument. That made me fall silent, too.

  "You're going to need to leave Shadow," he said at last.

  I said nothing, because there was nothing to say. He wasn't going to leave the mortal realm, because that would get me killed. Leaving Shadow might get me killed, too, but the chances were lower. Everything depended on how badly Previt Rimarn wanted me. Outside of the city, Madding had less power to protect me; no godling was permitted to leave Shadow by decree of the Lady, who feared the havoc they might cause worldwide. But the Order of Itempas had a White Hall in every sizable town, and thousands of priests and acolytes all over the world. I would be hard-pressed to hide from them if Rimarn was determined to have me.

  Madding was betting Rimarn wouldn't care, however. I was easy prey, but not really the prey he wanted.

  "I have a few contacts outside the city," Madding said. "I'll have them set things up for you. A house in a small town somewhere, a guard or two. You'll be comfortable. I'll make sure of that."

  "What about my things here?"

  His eyes unfocused briefly. "I've sent one of my siblings to take care of it tonight. We'll store your belongings here for now, then send them all to your new home by magic. Your neighbors will never even see you move out."

  So neat and quick, the destruction of my life.

  I rolled onto my belly and put my head down on my folded arms, trying not to think. After a moment, Mad sat up and leaned away from the pile of cushions, opening a small cabinet set into the floor and rummaging through it. I could not see what he picked up, but I saw him use it to prick his finger, at which I scowled.

  "I'm not in the mood," I said.

  "It'll make you feel better. Which will make me feel better."

  "Doesn't it bother you, selling godsblood now that people think you're willing to kill over it?"

  "No," he said, though his voice was sharper than usual, "because I'm not willing to kill over it, and I don't give a damn what others think." He held the finger out to me. A single dark drop of blood, like a garnet, sat there. "See? It's already shed. Shall I waste it?"

  I sighed, but finally leaned forward and took his finger into my mouth. There was a fleeting taste of salt and metal, along with other, stranger flavors that I had never been able to name. The taste of other realms, maybe. Whatever it was, I felt the tingle of it in my throat as I swallowed, all the way down into my belly.

  I licked his finger before I let go. As I had suspected, the wound was already closed; I just liked teasing him. He let out a soft sigh.

  "This is why the Interdiction happened," he said, lying back down beside me. He rubbed little circles on the small of my back with one hand; this usually meant he was thinking about sex again. Greedy bastard.

  "Hmm?" I closed my eyes and shivered, just a little, as the godsblood spread its power throughout my body. Once, when Madding had given me a taste of his blood, I had begun floating precisely six inches off the floor. Hadn't been able to get down for hours. Madding was no help; he'd been too busy laughing his ass off. Fortunately, all I usually felt was a pleasant relaxing sensation, like drunkenness but without the hangover. Sometimes I had vi
sions, but they were never frightening. "What are you talking about?"

  "You." He brushed his lips against my ear, sending a lovely shiver down my spine. He noticed it and traced the shiver with his fingertips, making me arch and sigh. "You mortals and your intoxicating insanity. So many of us have been seduced by your kind, Oree; even the Three, long ago. I used to think anyone who fell in love with a mortal was a fool."

  "But now that you've tried it, you see the error of your ways?"

  "Oh, no." He sat up, straddled my legs, and slid his hands under me to cup and knead my breasts. I sighed in languid pleasure, though I couldn't help giggling when he nibbled at the back of my neck. "I was right. It is a kind of insanity. You make us want things we shouldn't."

  My smile faded. "Like eternity."

  "Yes." His hands stilled for a moment. "And more than that."

  "What else?"

  "Children, for one."

  I sat up. "Tell me you're joking." He had promised me long before that I didn't have to take the same precautions with him that I would with a mortal man.

  "Hush," he said, pressing me back down. "Of course I'm joking. But I could give you a child, if I wanted. If you wanted me to. And if I was willing to break the only real law the Three have ever imposed on us."

  "Oh." I settled back into the cushions, relaxing as he resumed his slow, coaxing caresses. "You're talking about demons. Children of mortals and immortals. Monsters."

  "They weren't monsters. It was before the Gods' War, before even I was born, but I hear they were just like us-godlings, I mean. They could dance among the stars as we do; they had the same magic. Yet they grew old and died, no matter how powerful they were. It made them… very strange. But not monstrous." He sighed. "It's forbidden to create more demons, but… ah, Oree. You'd make such beautiful children."

  "Mmm." I was beginning to not pay attention to him. Madding loved to talk while his hands were doing lovely things that transcended words. He had slipped one hand between my legs during this last ramble. Lovely things. "So the Three were afraid you'd all… ah… fall in love with mortals and make more dangerous little demons."

  "Not all the Three. In the end, it was only Itempas who ordered us to stay away from the mortal realm. But he does not brook disobedience, so we did as he commanded." He kissed my shoulder, then nuzzled my temple. "I never realized how cruel that order was, before I met you."

  I smiled, feeling wicked, and reached back to catch hold of the warm, hard lump that lay against my backside. I gave him a practiced stroke and he shuddered against me, his breath quickening in my ear. "Oh, yes," I teased. "So cruel."

  "Oree," he said, his voice suddenly low and tight. I sighed and lifted my hips a little, and he slipped back into me like he belonged nowhere else.

  Somewhere in the delicious, floating pleasure that followed, I became aware that we were being watched. I didn't think anything of it at first. Madding's siblings seemed fascinated by our relationship, so if watching us helped them whenever they decided to try a mortal, I didn't mind. But there had been something different about this gaze, I realized afterward, when I lay pleasantly exhausted and drifting toward sleep. It did not have the usual air of curiosity or titillation; there was something heavier about this. Something disapproving. And familiar.

  Of course. Madding had sent someone to collect all my belongings. Naturally that would include Shiny: my brooding, arrogant, selfish bastard of a pet. I had no idea why my being with Madding angered him, and I didn't care. I was tired of his moods, tired of everything. So I ignored him and went to sleep.

  ***

  Madding was gone when I woke. I sat up, bleary, and listened for a moment, trying to get my bearings. From downstairs I could hear the ceaseless ripple of water and could smell hiras perfume. Upstairs, someone was walking, making the floorboards creak. Intuition told me it was very late, but most of Madding's people were godlings; they didn't sleep. From somewhere on the same floor, I heard a woman laughing and two men talking.

  I yawned and put my head back down, but the voices impinged gently on my consciousness.

  "-didn't tell you-"

  "-your business, damn it! You have no-"

  It sank in slowly: Shiny. And Madding. Talking? It didn't matter. I didn't care.

  "You're not listening," Madding said. He spoke in a low voice but intently; that made the sound carry. "She gave you a real chance and you're throwing it away. Why would you do that when so many of us fought for you, died…" He faltered, silent for an instant. "You never consider others-only yourself! Do you have any idea what Oree has gone through because of you?"

  My eyes opened.

  Shiny's reply was a low murmur, unintelligible. Madding's was anything but, almost a shout: "You're destroying her! Isn't it enough that you destroyed your own family? Do you have to kill what I love, too?"

  I got up. My stick was there on my side of the pillow pile, right where Mad had always put it. The robe was tangled in the pillows where I'd dropped it. I shook it out and put it on.

  "-tell you this now-" Madding had regained some of his composure, though he was still plainly furious. He'd lowered his voice again. Shiny was silent, as he had been since Madding's outburst. Madding kept talking, but I couldn't tell what he was saying.

  I stopped at the door. I didn't care, I told myself. My life was ruined and it was Shiny's fault. He didn't care. Why did it matter what he and Madding said to each other? Why did I still bother trying to understand him?

  "-he could love you again," Madding said. "Pretend that means nothing to you, Father, if you like. But I know-"

  Father. I blinked. Father?

  "-in spite of everything," Madding said. "Believe that or not, as you will." The words had an air of finality. The argument was over, one-sided as it had been.

  I stepped back against the bedroom wall and out of the doorway, though that would do me little good if Madding came back into the room. But although I heard Madding's footsteps leave whatever room they'd been in and stomp away, they headed downstairs, not back to his bedroom.

  As I stood there against the wall, mulling over what I'd heard, Shiny left the room as well. He walked past Madding's room, and I braced myself for him to notice that I was out of bed and perhaps come in and find me. His footsteps didn't even slow. He headed upstairs.

  Which one to follow? I wavered for a moment, then went after Madding. At least I knew he would talk to me.

  I found him standing atop the largest of his pools, glowing bright enough to make the whole chamber visible as his magic reflected off walls and water. I stopped behind him, savoring the play of light across his facets, the shift and ripple of liquid aquamarine flesh as he moved, the patterned flicker of the walls. He had folded his hands together, head bowed as if to pray. Perhaps he was praying. Above the godlings were the gods, and above the gods was Maelstrom, the unknowable. Perhaps even it prayed to something. Didn't we all need someone to turn to sometimes?

  So I sat down and waited, not interrupting, and presently Madding lowered his hands and turned to me.

  "I should have kept my voice down," he said softly, amid the chime of crystal.

  I smiled, drawing up my knees and wrapping my arms around them. "I find it hard not to yell at him, too."

  He sighed. "If you could have seen him before the war, Oree. He was glorious then. We all loved him-competed for his love, basked in his attention. And he loved us back in his quiet, steady way. He's changed so much."

  His body gave off one last liquid shimmer and then settled back into his stocky, plain-featured human shell, which I had come to love just as much over the years. He was still naked, his hair still loose, still standing on water. His eyes carried memories and sorrow far too ancient for any mortal man. He would never look truly ordinary, no matter how hard he tried.

  "So he's your father." I spoke slowly. I did not want to voice aloud the suspicion I'd begun to develop. I hardly wanted to believe it. There were dozens, perhaps hundreds, of godlings, and there
'd been even more before the Gods' War. Not all of them had been parented by the Three.

  But most of them had been.

  Madding smiled, reading my face. I'd never been able to hide anything from him. "There aren't many of us left who haven't disowned him."

  I licked my lips. "I thought he was a godling. Just a godling, I mean, not…" I gestured vaguely above my head, meaning the sky.

  "He's not just a godling."

  Confirmation, unexpectedly anticlimactic. "I thought the Three would be… different."

  "They are."

  "But Shiny…"

  "He's a special case. His current condition is temporary. Probably."

  Nothing in my life had prepared me for this. I knew I was not especially knowledgeable about the affairs of gods, despite my personal association with some of them. I knew as well as anyone that the priests taught what they wanted us to know, not necessarily what was true. And sometimes even when they told the truth, they got it wrong.

  Madding came over, sitting down beside me. He gazed out over the pools, his manner subdued.

  I needed to understand. "What did he do?" It was the question I had asked Sieh.

  "Something terrible." His smile had faded during my moment of stunned silence. His expression was closed, almost angry. "Something most of us will never forgive. He got away with it for a while, but now the debt has come due. He'll be repaying it for a long time."

  Sometimes they got it very wrong. "I don't understand," I whispered.

  He lifted a hand and drew a knuckle across my cheek, brushing a stray curl of hair aside.

  "He really was lucky to find you," he said. "I have to confess, I've been a bit jealous. There's still a little of the old him left. I can see why you'd be drawn to him."

  "It's not like that. He doesn't even like me."

  "I know." He dropped his hand. "I'm not sure he's capable of caring for anyone now, not in any real way. He was never good at changing, bending. He broke instead. And he took all of us with him."