"Move," I said to the girl. Muttering, she slipped out, and I crawled one-handed out into the open. The girl started to crawl back in, but I caught her bony leg. "Wait. Is there anything around here like a stick? Something at least this long." I started to lift both arms, then gasped as the muscles of my bad arm cramped agonizingly. I finally approximated the gesture with my good arm. If I had to flee, I would need some means of finding my way.
The girl said nothing, probably glaring at me for a second or two; then she slipped out. I waited, tense, hearing the sounds of battle in the distance-adult shouts, children's screams, debris crashing and splintering. Disturbingly close. That the fight had lasted this long with a godling involved meant there were either a lot of Lights, or Dateh had already gotten him.
The girl came back, pressing something into my hand. I felt it and smiled: a broomstick. Broken off and jagged at one end, but otherwise perfect.
Now came the hard part. I knelt and bowed my head, taking a deep breath to settle my thoughts. Then I reached inside myself, trying to find one feeling amid the morass. One singular, driving need. One hunger.
"Lil," I whispered. "Lady Lil, please hear me."
Silence. I fixed my thoughts upon her, framed her in my mind: not her appearance, but the feel of her presence, that looming sense of so many things held in precarious containment. The scent of her, spoiling meat and bad breath. The sound of her whirring, unstoppable teeth. What did it feel like to want as she did, constantly? How did it feel to crave something so powerfully that you could taste it?
Perhaps a little like the way I felt, knowing Madding was lost to me forever.
I clenched my hand around the broomstick as my heart flooded with emotion. I planted the jagged end of it in the dirt and fought the urge to weep, to scream. I wanted him back. I wanted his killers dead. I could not have the former-but the latter was within my grasp, if I could only find someone to help me. Justice was so close I could taste it.
"Come to me, Lil!" I cried, no longer caring if any Lights roving the junkyard heard me. "Come, darkness damn you! I have a feast even you should like the taste of!"
And she appeared, crouching in front of me with her gold hair tangled around her shoulders, her madness-flecked eyes sharp and wary.
"Where?" Lil asked. "What feast?"
I smiled fiercely, flashing my own sharp teeth. "In my soul, Lil. Can you taste it?"
She regarded me for a long moment, her expression shifting from dubious to gradual amazement. "Yes," she said at last. "Oh, yes. Lovely." Her eyes fluttered shut, and she lifted her head, opening her mouth slightly to taste the air. "Such longing in you, for so many things. Delicious." She opened her eyes and frowned in puzzlement. "You were not so tasty before. What has happened?"
"Many things, Lady Lil. Terrible things, which is why I called you. Will you help me?"
She smiled. "No one has prayed to me for centuries. Will you do it again, mortal girl?"
She was like a bauble-beetle, scuttling after any shiny thing. "Will you help me, if I do?"
"Hey," said the girl behind me. "Who's that?"
Lil's gaze settled on her, suddenly avid. "I'll help you," she said to me, "if you give me something."
My lip curled, but I fought back disgust. "I'll give you anything that is mine to give, Lady. But that child is Lord Dump's."
Lil sighed. "Never liked him. No one wants his junk, but he doesn't share." Sulky, she flicked a fingertip at something I couldn't see on the ground.
I reached out and gripped her hand, making her focus on me again. "I've learned who's been killing your siblings, Lady Lil. They're hunting me now, and they may catch me soon."
She stared at my hand on hers in surprise, then at me. "I don't care about any of that," she said.
Damnation! Why did I have to be plagued by crazy godlings? Were the sane ones avoiding me? "There are others who do," I said. "Nemmer-"
"Oh, I like her." Lil brightened. "She gives me any bodies her people want to get rid of."
I forgot what I'd meant to say for a moment, then shook it off. "If you tell her this," I said, gambling, "I'm sure she'll give you more bodies." There would be many dead New Lights by the time this business was done, I hoped.
"Maybe," she said, suddenly calculating, "but what will you give me to go to her?"
Startled, I tried to think. I had no food on hand, nothing else of value. But I could not escape the feeling that Lil knew what she wanted of me; she just wanted me to say it first.
Humility, then. I had prayed to her, made her my goddess in a way. It was her right to demand an offering. I put my good hand on the ground and bowed my head. "Tell me what you want of me."
"Your arm," she said, too quickly. "It's useless now, worse than useless. It may never heal right. Let me have it."
Ah, of course. I looked at the arm dangling at my side. There was a swollen, hot-to-the-touch knot in the upper arm that probably meant a bad break, though fortunately it hadn't come through the skin. I had heard of people dying from such things, their blood poisoned by bits of bone, or infection and fever setting in.
It wasn't the arm I preferred to use; I was left-handed. And I had already decided that I would not need it for much longer.
I took a deep breath. "I can't be incapacitated," I said softly. "I need to… to still be able to run."
"I can do it so quickly that you'll feel no pain," Lil said, leaning forward in her eagerness. I smelled it again, that fetid whiff of breath from her real mouth, not the false one she was using to coax me. Carrion. But she preferred fresh meat. "Burn the end so it won't bleed. You'll hardly miss it."
I opened my mouth to say yes.
"No," snapped Shiny, startling us both. Leaning on one arm, I nearly fell as I tried to whirl around. I could see him; the magic of his resurrection was still bright.
Dump's girl yelped and scuttled away from us. "You was dead! What the demonshit is this?"
"Her flesh is hers to bargain with!" Lil said, her fists clenching in thwarted anger. "You have no right to forbid me!"
"I think even you would find her flesh disagreeable, Lil." I heard wood rattle and dust grit as he climbed out of the alcove. "Or do you mean to kill another of my children, Oree?"
I flinched. My demon blood. I had forgotten. But before I could explain to Lil, another voice spoke that chilled every drop of poison in my veins.
"There you are. I knew your companion would be alive, Lady Oree, but I'm surprised-and pleased-to see you in the same condition."
Above and behind Lil: one of the tiny, marble-sized portals that Dateh used for spying. I had not noticed it, not with Lil in front of me as a distraction. Too late I realized the sounds of battle in the distance had faded into silence.
Lil turned and stood, cocking her head from one side to the other, birdlike. I scrambled to my feet, leaning heavily on the broomstick for balance against my deadweight arm. To the girl, wherever she was, I hissed, "Run!"
"Now, Lady Oree." Dateh's voice was chiding, reasonable, despite the strangeness of it issuing from the tiny hole. "We both know there's no point in your resisting. I see that you're injured. Must I risk hurting you further by taking you into my Empty? Or will you come quietly?"
From my left, a startled cry. The girl. She had run-and been caught by the people converging on us from that direction. Many sets of feet, ten or twelve. There were others moving around the other end of the junkyard row. The New Lights had come.
"There's no need for you to take that child," I said, trying to keep my voice from shaking. So close! We had almost done it. "Can't you let her go?"
"She's a witness, unfortunately. Don't worry; we take care of children. She won't be mistreated, so long as she joins us."
"Dump!" shouted the girl, who was apparently struggling against her captors. "Dump, help!"
Dump did not appear. My heart sank.
"You're the one!" Lil said, suddenly brightening. "I tasted your ambition weeks ago and warned Oree Shoth to beware o
f you. I knew if I stayed near her, I might meet you." She beamed like a proud mother. "I am Lil."
"Lil." I gripped the broomstick. "He has powerful magic. He's already killed several godlings, and"-I fought back a shudder of revulsion, which might've been enough to touch off my nausea again-"and eaten them. I don't want to see you join them."
Lil looked at me, startled. "What?"
Shiny's hand gripped my good shoulder; I felt him move in front of me.
"I don't want you anymore," Dateh said, cold now. To Shiny. "You're useless, whatever you are. But I have no qualms about going through you to get to her, so step aside."
Lil was still staring at me. "What do you mean, eaten them?"
My eyes welled with tears of grief and frustration. "He cuts out their hearts and eats them. He's been doing that to all the missing ones. Gods know how many by now."
"Lady Oree," Dateh said, his voice tight with anger. All at once, the hole doubled in size, tearing the air as it grew. It drifted toward us, a warning. There was no suction-yet.
"You didn't say they were being eaten. You should have said that in the first place," Lil said, looking annoyed. Then she turned on Dateh's hole, and her expression darkened. "It is bad, very bad, for a mortal to eat one of us."
I felt the suction the instant it began. It was gentler than that night in front of Madding's, but still enough to stagger me. In front of me, Shiny grunted and set his feet, his power rising, but it dragged him forward, anyway-
Lil shoved both of us roughly aside, stepping in front of the hole.
The suction increased sharply, to full force. Shiny and I had both fallen to the ground; I was sprawled and half sensible, as the fall had jarred both my head and my broken arm. Through a haze, I saw Lil, her legs braced, her gown whipping about her scrawny form, her long yellow hair tangling in the wind. The hole was huge now, nearly as big as her body, yet somehow it had not claimed her.
She lifted her head. I was behind her, but I knew the instant her mouth lengthened, without seeing it.
"Greedy mortal boy." Lil's voice was everywhere, echoing, shrill with delight. "Do you really think that will work on me?"
She spread her arms wide, blazing with golden power. I heard the buzz and whir of her teeth, so loud that it made my bones rattle and my spine vibrate, so powerful that even the earth shivered beneath me. The whir rose to a scream as she lunged at the portal-and tried to eat it. Sparks of pure magic shot past us, each one burning where it landed. A concussion of force flattened me even more and shattered the piles of junk around us. I heard wood splintering, debris tumbling, the Lights screaming, and Lil laughing like the insane monster she was.
And then Shiny had my good arm, hauling me up. We ran, him half dragging me because my legs would not work and I kept trying to vomit. Finally he scooped me into his arms and ran, as behind us the junkyard erupted in earthquakes and chaos and flames.
16
"From the Depths to the Heights" (watercolor)
I GRAYED OUT FOR A TIME. The jostling, the running, and the blurring cacophony of sounds proved too much for my already-abused senses. I was vaguely aware of pain and confusion, my sense of balance completely thrown; it felt as though I tumbled through the air, unconnected to anything, uncontrolled. A blurry voice seemed to whisper into my ear: Why are you alive when Madding is dead? Why are you alive at all, death-filled vessel that you are? You are an affront to all that is holy. You should just lie down and die.
It might have been Shiny speaking, or my own guilt.
***
After what felt like a very long time, I regained enough wit to think.
I sat up, slowly and with great effort. My arm, the good one, did not obey my will at first. I told it to push me up, and instead it flailed about, scrabbling at the surface beneath me. Hard, but not stone. I sank my nails into it a little. Wood. Cheap, thin. I patted it, listening, and realized it was all around me. When I finally regained control of myself, I managed a slow, shaky exploration of my environment, and finally understood. A box. I was in some kind of large wooden crate, open at one end. Something heavy and scratchy and smelly lay upon me. A horse blanket? Shiny must have stolen it for me. It still reeked of its former owner's sweat, but it was warmer than the chilly predawn air around me, so I drew it closer.
Footsteps nearby. I cringed until I recognized their peculiar weight and cadence. Shiny. He climbed into the crate with me and sat down nearby. "Here," he said, and metal touched my lips. Confused, I opened my mouth, and nearly choked as water flooded in. I managed not to splutter too much of it away, fortunately, because I was desperately thirsty. As Shiny turned up the flask for me again, I greedily drank until there was nothing left. I was still thirsty but felt better.
"Where are we?" I asked. I kept my voice soft. It was quiet, wherever we were. I heard the bap-plink of morning dew-such a welcome sound after days without it in the House of the Risen Sun. There were people about, but they moved quietly, too, as if trying not to disturb the dew.
"Ancestors' Village," he said, and I blinked in surprise. He had carried me across the city from the Shustocks junkyard, from Wesha into Easha. The Village was just north of South Root, near the tunnel under the rootwall. It was where the city's homeless population had made a camp of sorts, or so I'd been told. I'd never visited it. Many of the Villagers were sick in body or mind, too harmless to be quarantined, but too ugly or strange or pitiful to be acceptable in the orderly society of the Bright. Many were lame, mute, deaf… blind. In my earliest days in Shadow, I'd been terrified of joining them.
I didn't ask, but Shiny must have seen the confusion on my face. "I lived here sometimes," he said. "Before you."
It was no more than I'd already guessed, but I could not help pity: he had gone from ruling the gods to living in a box among lepers and madlings. I knew his crimes, but even so…
Belatedly I noticed more footsteps approaching. These were lighter than Shiny's, several sets-three people? One of them had a bad limp, dragging the second foot like deadweight.
"We have missed you," said a voice, elderly, raspy, of indeterminate gender, though I guessed male. "It's good to see you well. Hello, miss."
"Um, hello," I said. The first words had not been directed at me.
Satisfied, the maybe-man turned his attention back to Shiny. "For her." I heard something set down on the crate's wooden floor; I smelled bread. "See if she can get that down."
"Thank you," said Shiny, surprising me by speaking.
"Demra's gone looking for old Sume," said another voice, younger and thinner-sounding. "She's a bonebender-not a very good one, but sometimes she'll work for free." The voice sighed. "Wish Role was still around."
"That won't be necessary," said Shiny, because of course he intended to kill me. Even I could tell that these people didn't have many favors to call in; best they not spend such a precious one on me. Then Shiny surprised me further. "Something for her pain would be good, however."
A woman came forward. "Yes, we brought this." Something else was set down, glass. I thought I heard the slosh of liquid. "It isn't good, but it should help."
"Thank you," Shiny said again, softer. "You are all very kind."
"So are you," said the thin voice, and then the woman murmured something about letting me sleep, and all three of them went away. I lay there in their wake, not quite boggling. I was too tired for real astonishment.
"There's food," Shiny said, and I felt something dry and hard brush my lips. The bread, which he'd torn into chunks so I wouldn't have to waste strength gnawing. It was coarse, flavorless stuff, and even the small piece he'd torn made my jaws ache. The Order of Itempas took care of all citizens; no one starved in the Bright. That did not mean they ate well.
As I held a piece in my mouth, hoping saliva would make it more palatable, I considered what I had heard. It had had the air of long habit-or ritual, perhaps. When I'd swallowed, I said, "They seem to like you here."
"Yes."
"Do they know w
ho you are? What you are?"
"I have never told them."
Yet they knew, I was certain. There had been too much reverence in the way they'd approached and presented their small offerings. They had not asked about the black sun, either, as a heathen might have done. They simply accepted that the Bright Lord would protect them if He could-and that it was pointless to ask if He could not.
I had to clear my dry throat to speak. "Did you protect them while you were here?"
"Yes."
"And… you spoke to them?"
"Not at first."
With time, though, same as me. For a moment, an irrational competitiveness struck me. It had taken three months for Shiny to deem me worthy of conversation. How long had he taken with these struggling souls? But I sighed, dismissing the fancy and refusing when Shiny tried to offer me another piece of bread. I had no appetite.
"I've never thought of you as kind," I said. "Not even when I was a child, learning about you in White Hall. The priests tried to make you sound gentle and caring, like an old grandfather who's a little on the strict side. I never believed it. You sounded… well-intentioned. But never kind."
I heard the glass thing move, heard a stopper come free with a faint plonk. Shiny's hand came under the back of my head, lifting me gently; I felt the rim of a small flask nudge my lips. When I opened my mouth, acid fire poured in-or so it tasted. I gasped and spluttered, choking, but most of the stuff went down my throat before my body could protest too much. "Gods, no," I said when the bottle touched my lips again, and Shiny took it away.
As I lay there trying to regain the full use of my tongue, Shiny said, "Good intentions are pointless without the will to implement them."
"Mmm." The burn was fading now, which I regretted, because for a moment I had forgotten the pain of my arm and head. "The problem is, you always seem to implement your intentions by stomping all over other people's. That's pretty pointless, too, isn't it? Does as much harm as good."
"There is such a thing as greater good."
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