Always Love You

by Smith, Megan

MacKenzie leaves to go to check on the kids while I check in on Brooklyn who is just in the other room. When I come back in to the room, Hunter is lost in thought.

  “What’s on your mind?”

  “Just Mom.”

  “Yeah, she’s been on my mind a lot, too, since we started reading all this. I wish things would have been different for her. She deserved better than the hand she was dealt.”

  “She sure did, but one thing I know for sure is she doesn’t regret a minute of anything she went through and that speaks volumes about the type of person she was.”

  My eyes tear up so I look over toward the window. I’d do anything in this moment to just get one last ‘I love you’ or ‘how’s the weather today?’ I even wish I was home so that I could spray her perfume just to feel close to her again.

  “I didn’t mean to make you upset, Jay,” Hunter says, laying a heavy hand on my shoulder.

  “I know you didn’t. It’s just hard dealing with her being gone and I’m not sure it’ll ever get easier, you know? Like how do you get over losing your mom?”

  He shrugs, “You don’t really.”

  Suddenly a loud crack of thunder rolls over the house scaring the hell out of me and probably even Hunter.

  “See, she’s here with us now.” Hunter huffs. “She just cracked the whip making sure to let us know.”

  “I love you, Mom,” I whisper softly as a single tear falls.

  “I love you, too, Mom,” Hunter mutters as he sits back against the sofa and looks up to the ceiling.

  Hunter

  I needed a few days before jumping back into Mom’s story. Sitting back and reliving those memories are hard. I hate every minute thinking that she was all alone in this. She never should have been but that piece of shit dad of mine really did a number on her. He promised her the moon and never delivered.

  Jaylinn and I decided to meet at Starbucks this time which is where I find her tucked into the back of the store in a quiet corner.

  “Hey.”

  “Hey,” I pull out the seat across from her and turn it backwards before sitting down.

  “I wasn’t sure what you wanted so I just ordered you a regular coffee with cream and sugar.”

  “Thanks.”

  “You’re welcome. Ready to start again? I don’t have much time before Cooper needs to get to a meeting.”

  “Sure, let’s get started.”

  ***

  As it turns out, Jason was basically living a double life. I made sure to have no ties to New Jersey whatsoever for about a year. No phone calls, no letters, no nothing. I didn’t want to leave any traces behind just in case Jason decided to come looking for us. One afternoon about a year after being in Tennessee I went to the local library and looked up some old newspaper articles to see if the police ever figured out who robbed the bank. All I found were just reportings of an ongoing investigation but that was it. No reports about an arrest being made or persons of interest on anyone’s radar. It was like they just stopped trying to figure it out.

  Next I decided to look up Jason, and boy was I surprised to find out that he not only was arrested again multiple times but I found a birth announcement. He had another daughter with a woman a few years’ younger than he was. I’m not going to lie, it hurt, it hurt more than it should have to read about that and to find out that he moved on. In some ways I was kind of hoping he was searching for us, that he missed us and wanted to do better by us. I knew better than that but I still couldn’t help but to feel that way.

  ***

  “Brittany,” Hunter grits out.

  “Either he was seeing someone on the side or it didn’t take him long to knock up the next person he sank his claws into.”

  “He truly is a nasty human being.”

  “You can say that again.”

  ***

  A few years later, a huge investigation launched about an illegal enterprise in New Jersey and two other states. It turns out that it was Jason’s uncle who was being charged along with dozens of others who were involved in gambling, money laundering and racketeering. After searching a few other articles I never once found Jason’s name attached to any of it. I wonder how in the world he was able to pull that off. Finding all this out explained where all that money had come from that Jason was able to get for us so quickly and how he was able to make sure we never needed anything. I knew it couldn’t have been anything good but I didn’t realize it was something so big either.

  ***

  The kids were growing up so fast. Hunter was strong-willed and Jaylinn was relentless in whatever she was doing. They were both finding their places in this world and it was time that I started settling down for the two of them. I wanted to lay down roots for my family. After a long conversation with my parents I decided to move back to New Jersey. It had been almost nine years and any chance of Jason looking for us was long gone or at least I was praying. When we move back it won’t be around the area that we used to live but I wanted to give my kids the life I had where it felt like home and Tennessee was not that place. Mom and Dad were going to try to sell the cabin but I didn’t want them to. I needed to do this on my own; I can’t live with my parents for the rest of my life no matter how nice it is and they deserve to retire in peace.

  ***

  “Wow, so that explains where the money was coming from. The only question I have now is why rob a bank?”

  “Probably to pay off a bad debt, is my guess. People do the dumbest shit when they are under pressure, Jay. Maybe that was the only answer for Jason back then.”

  “Yeah, but this ‘uncle’ couldn’t have helped him out?”

  “You really think he’s a real uncle?”

  “Yeah, I guess you’re right.”

  ***

  We had only been back in New Jersey for just shy of a year before I got the devastating news that my dad had lung cancer. I was beside myself and so afraid to tell the kids. They were so young and they wouldn’t understand fully what was going to happen. I also didn’t want them to have a lasting memory of him being so sick and my mom agreed so we stayed away until the end. It was so hard seeing him lying in the hospital. Mom looked just as bad, honestly. It was taking its toll on her, too.

  The kids and I stayed in Tennessee with my mom and dad until the end. It was only a few days but it felt like forever. It was so hard watching him struggling to breathe, to see him wither away to nothing. His last days he mostly slept, but when he was awake, he smiled and told my mom and me that he loved us along with the kids but he was ready to let go. Within hours he passed away. I stayed with Mom for a few days before I had to get the kids back to New Jersey for school. I didn’t want to leave her behind, told her I’d look for a new house and she could live with the kids and me, but she wouldn’t hear of it.

  Within a weeks’ time I got a phone call from the my parents’ neighbor. She had gone to check on my mom but couldn’t get her to answer the door. After a few hours of trying with no luck, she called the police. When they got into the house they found my mom on the bed holding a picture of my dad. She passed away of a broken heart since she was otherwise healthy before she passed.

  After that I couldn’t go back to the house. I wanted to sell the place because it would now hold nothing but painful memories for me but I didn’t have the heart to do it. I worked with the neighbor and got the place rented out for periods at a time. It was a prime location for rentals so that worked out well for me. Plus, it’s not like we needed the money since my parents had a trust fund for both Hunter and Jaylinn.

  ***

  “That’s so sad to die of a broken heart,” Jaylinn says, wiping a tear away. “I’m glad I don’t really remember. I mean I do, but not that much.”

  My own heart hurts a little bit, too. “It was hard on Mom, that I remember the most. I remember catching her crying late at night.”

  “At least she was there for Grandpa though and helped Grandma as much as she could. Mom never would have left her behind if it was that bad.”


  I shake my head agreeing. “Never.”

  ***

  Late one summer evening the kids were playing down on the baseball field with a few kids from the neighborhood. I went looking for them and ran into another mom looking for her kids, as well. We got to making small conversation, and the next thing I know I’m at her house spilling my guts.

  I could blame it on the drinking that we were doing but it wasn’t that. I needed to unload everything I was holding in to someone. I just needed to talk and Elle Cahill was a good listener. We awww’d, we laughed, and we cried together. I needed that more than I would ever admit to anyone.

  When I woke up the next morning, dread washed over me. I had told her too much and I would have to go back into hiding. I was worried she’d track down Jason or even go to the police and tell them everything I told her about him robbing the bank. After dinner the next night I decided I needed to talk to Elle again. I needed to see how she was going to judge me and see how she handled everything I told her before I made any rash decisions.

  Elle told me that she told her husband. They don’t keep things from each other but I didn’t have anything to worry about. Andrew, Elle’s husband, was an FBI agent. As soon as I heard that I freaked out. I grabbed my purse and made a beeline for the front door but Elle chased me down and begged me to stop for one second. She explained that they both understood that I didn’t go to the police out of fear for our safety. That neither of them blamed me for what I did, I was protecting my family against something that was bigger than we could ever handle. Elle called Andrew from the bottom of the steps and asked him to come down to talk to me.

  He wanted me to go to the FBI headquarters to break the case wide open on Jason but I refused to talk about it. After a while he promised to protect me and the kids for as long as we lived near them. He said no family should ever have to live through something like we did, let alone once, but twice.

  That night my family of three turned into a family of nine. Our two families combined into one forming a stronger bond, a bond that would never be broken.

  ***

  “And look at us now. Our bond is unbreakable no matter what.”

  I nod with the biggest smile on my face remembering that first time I met my wife.

  ***

  The first time Hunter laid eyes on MacKenzie, I knew she was his soul mate. I know it sounds silly. How could anyone ever know something like that? But I knew, it was the look in both of their eyes even at that young age. I knew when the time was right that the two of them would find their way to each other.

  I hope Hunter cherishes her, treats her like she’s the only women in the world who will ever matter. If that is my one piece of advice to my son, it’s that. Treat her like I taught you to treat a woman you love.

  ***

  “You’re doing a damn good job of it, Hunter.” Jaylinn winks at me. “Mom is and will always be proud of the man you have become.”

  My cheeks turn slightly pink at the compliment. It’s not every day that I get one from my sister. “I’m glad you think so.”

  ***

  After much persuasion from Elle I decided to go out on a date with a man I met at the local coffee shop. At first, I denied all of his requests but between him and Elle they wore me down.

  I was a nervous wreck about going. What in the world did I know about dating? I had one boyfriend my entire life. Plus, who really wants to date someone who has been divorced and has two kids? It’s not that I was afraid to fall in love with someone again after being hurt. I was just afraid of falling for the wrong person.

  The date turned out well, better than I thought it would, actually, but I just couldn’t let loose, I guess. Something was holding me back and making me uncomfortable.

  ***

  “I think Mom was fearful to love. I think it frightened her, honestly. She was the type of person to hate to try anything new that she had no control over. She couldn’t predict how her date would go, how her heart would react to someone she didn’t know. And I think that’s why she struggled with dating. She couldn’t make it turn out the way she needed it to and make sure it never changed.” And my little sister just nailed exactly what Mom’s problem was.

  “Hmm, maybe Mom didn’t do such a bad job at raising you after all.” I chuckle just as Jaylinn tosses a napkin at my head.

  “That was rude.”

  “You know I’m just kidding around.” I toss the napkin back on the table. “I think what you said was right on the money. It would have been nice to see her meet someone else. I felt bad that she always seemed so lonely.”

  “Yeah, I used to hate leaving her in that house when we weren’t around to keep her company.”

  “She was okay, Jay, just remember that. She chose to live alone and there is nothing wrong with that as long as she was happy.”

  “And she was happy especially after you had Ryder, that lit up her whole world again.”

  I smile proudly because I know that little boy did and I continue on.

  ***

  Meeting my grandson, Ryder Chaos, for the first time made me fall in love all over again. He looked so much like Hunter it was unbelievable. I love my kids but my love for my grandson was different. It was like a little version of my own son all over again, only this time I’m not fully responsible for him. I can spoil the hell out of him, get him all hopped up on sugar, let him get away with anything and at the end of the day send him home to his parents when he’s bouncing off the walls.

  I couldn’t wait to watch him grow up, watch him follow in his dad’s footsteps, watch him become his own person. When his tiny little hand wrapped around my pinky he shown a spotlight down on me… he lit up my dimly lit world.

  I do have to admit though that I lied to Hunter. It was the one and only time I ever flat-out lied to one of my children but I was doing it to protect him. At the time Hunter had enough to worry about and this was one thing I could take off his plate.

  A few days after Ryder was born I had a run in with Jason at the food store. Ryder had just been released from the hospital and I was picking things so that I could make some meals for Hunter to just toss in the oven. When I was coming out of the store someone cut me off and my cart ran into theirs. Turned out it was Jason. I was stuck between his cart and the door that had already shut.

  At first I was scared but then I remembered we were in public and there was no way he was going to do anything to me in broad daylight. The first thing out of his mouth was, “why did you leave?” I was taken aback for a second thinking to myself how he could even ask that. Then I remembered who was standing in front of me. I crossed my arms in front of me and held my head high. I’ll never forget the words I said to him because in that moment I had never been more proud of myself. I said, “All your words, all your promises fell flat, Jason. I had to walk away and make something of myself. Unlike you I had to put our children first. I would never let you break their hearts like you broke mine back then. Now move your cart out of my way or I’ll make a simple phone call to the police and let them in on your little secret.” He moved his cart and I went on my way. I was the reason why I didn’t go see Ryder right away after that. I was afraid that he was following me, because at that point I kept getting random hang ups and I had a feeling he was behind them.

  I did what I had to do to protect my family.

  ***

  “I can’t believe she never told me that.” I shake my head, “Even after the fact.”

  Jaylinn huffs, “You would have done the same thing, Hunter.”

  She is right, I would do anything to protect my family but, I was old enough to make sure my mother and family was taken care of, too. I guess that’s one thing I’ve learned from Mom is to always protect what is mine no matter what.

  Jaylinn’s phone chimes. She picks it up off the table and taps it a couple of times. “Cooper is here to pick me up.” She stands and starts to gather her things. “I want to finish this up soon. I know the rough part is com
ing up so let’s either do it at your house or mine.”

  “Yeah, alright, I’ll call you tomorrow and we’ll figure it out.”

  “See you later.”

  I stand and grab my coffee. “See you later.”

  Jaylinn

  After having a couple of glasses of wine I’m nice and relaxed. I’ve been drinking a little too much lately and I know this but it helps me get through the tough times.

  The doorbell dings right on time. I hear Cooper yell off in the distance that he got it. I finish getting changed into more comfortable clothes before heading downstairs. I just fed Brooklyn who decided to puke all down my back which is why I had to change in the first place. She’s tucked into her bassinet and will hopefully sleep for a good few hours before her next feeding.

  When I make it downstairs Hunter and Cooper and talking about baseball, of course. “Hey.”

  “Hey, I’m yours for the rest of the night.”

  Cooper punches him in the shoulder. “And tell her why that is.”

  Hunter scratches at his face. “Hailey showed up just as I was leaving. I’m in no hurry to get back.”

  “Oh, my God, would you stop it.” I laugh. “You know you’re ready to run right back home to a house full of screaming kids.”

  “Nope, I like this house. This nice, quiet, house.”

  “Alright, well let’s get started before you get a phone call that the twins set the house on fire.”

  Hunter shakes his head as he follows behind me, and Cooper just laughs because he knows it could happen.

  ***

  This next part is difficult for me as a mom to talk about but I feel it’s important to bring up. This isn’t meant to hurt Jaylinn but to make her understand how much I am proud of the woman she turned out to be. She was dealt a shitty father figure and at times I left bad because a little girl needs her father and she didn’t have that.