I Never Expected You

by Stefanie Jenkins

  The girls surrounding her all burst into giggles except the redhead. Not sure what her deal is. I give them that panty-melting smile.

  “This is Amber, Clara, and—”

  Before she can introduce the redhead, her friend does it for her.

  “Whitney,” she scoffs.

  Damn, what got her panties in a bunch tonight?

  “Nice to meet you.”

  Whitney leans over, whispering something in her friend’s ear, and storms off without another word. Rude much? Then it hits me where I know her from. She’s the one who, last fall, stole my favorite gym shorts and Hopkins lacrosse T-shirt after she woke up and found I had left the apartment. One of the many women Dani and Emmett had to watch doing the walk of shame while I was nowhere to be found. I remember the face, just not the name.

  I bring the cup to my lips and take a sip.

  “Was it something I said?” I joke.

  “Don’t mind her.” Becca turns to me, crossing her arms and pushing her breasts up a little more.

  I settle against the railing, standing so close to Becca that the outside of my thigh brushes against her leg.

  I tip my cup against Becca’s. “Cheers.” After I swallow the amber liquid, I tilt my head toward the ongoing party. “Having fun tonight?”

  “Yeah, it’s okay. I saw you were hot on the beer pong table.” I don’t miss her emphasis on the word hot. “But to be honest, I’m much better now.”

  She turns her body to face me, angling her tits so they are even perkier and spilling from her top.

  I take a sip of my drink. “Oh yeah? Why’s that.”

  This is too easy. Let me guess: because now she’s with me.

  “Well, I’ve been eyeing you up since I first got here and was hoping I would get a chance to talk to you.”

  “Here I am, babe. I’m all yours.”

  Getting under her is a definite way to forget my troubles. Our gazes lock as she brings her drink to her glossy pink lips. When she brings the cup back down, I’m still staring at her lips, and I wonder how they would look wrapped around my cock. Down, boy.

  After a few more minutes of shameless flirting and meaningless conversation with her friends, Becca has settled in front of me so that her back is pressing against my front. I hold my beer with one hand while the other hand rests on her hip. I spread my fingers, grazing the smooth skin where her top has slid up. My pinky dips under the top of her skirt, and what do you know, no panties. I lean in, brushing my nose against her neck, making my way up to her ear. I notice her pulse quicken.

  “You wanna get out of here?”

  She turns to face me, trailing her finger down my chest down to the bulge forming in my jeans. “I thought you’d never ask.”

  We say goodbye to her friends, and with my arm around her shoulders, we make our way back inside to search out Kyler. As we pass her redheaded friend—Whitney, was it?—she follows us with a potent stare, causing Becca to flip her off. We finally find Ky chatting with a large group of people. Good, he won’t mind if I roll out.

  “Hey, we’re going to head out.”

  Ky turns around and looks at Becca and then back at me. “Okay, cool. Was wondering where you went off to—now I see. You good?”

  His face visibly shows that he was sorry for bringing up the sensitive subject, even though it wasn’t on him; he was just curious.

  “Yeah. I’ll talk to you tomorrow, man.” I hold up my knuckles and bump his fist.

  “You two enjoy the rest of the evening.”

  “Oh, I plan to.” I wink at Becca, and she giggles, just like the rest of them.

  Man, some days it’s just too easy. All I have to do is look at them, flash that sexy smirk, and they are like putty in my hands. Maybe Em had a point—easy pussy will eventually get old, perhaps, but for now, I’ll let my dick do the talking. I grab her hand and lead her to the front door.

  Once outside, she looks up at me. “Your place or mine?”

  Knowing that I no longer have someone there to help me escape and kick these women out of my apartment as Emmett and Dani had so many times, I instantly say, “Yours.”

  That’ll make for a simple getaway afterward while she is asleep.

  That is the last thing we say before we are back at her dorm and she is screaming my name.

  Every time I pass my brother’s room, I expect him to whip the door open and tell me to get lost and stop eavesdropping. He may have been one of my best friends, but we still fought as siblings do. I would give anything to have him shove the door in my face one more time or pinch my nose as he walked past me, something he did since we were kids. It’s the little things like that that you don’t think about—that is, until it’s gone.

  I push those thoughts to the side as I jog down the stairs. I pass the living room on my way to the front door where I see my mom sitting with a photo of my brother in her lap. Most days, this is where I find her. Some days Kelly will come over and just sit with her or try to get her out of the house, anything to remind her that she isn’t alone in this. Something I wish my own best friend could do. Dani has been slipping more and more away from me—from all of us actually. She very rarely answers my call or returns my texts.

  I grab my keys off the table by the door.

  “I’m headed out, Mom. I’ll be back later.”

  I look in her direction, and all she does is nod. It breaks my heart a little more to see her like this. She’s still in her pajamas, but I believe she at least showered today. Well, I heard the shower earlier, but I’ve caught her sitting on the bathroom floor before, crying with the shower running, so I can’t say for sure. She used to be so full of light. Her smile always brightened the room. You always knew when she was in the kitchen, her own happy place, because you could hear the music playing throughout with her singing along as she cooked. Now I wonder how she even gets herself out of bed.

  I walk out the door and feel the cool March breeze as I make my way to my car. I take a deep breath before starting it, only one destination on my mind. Turning out of the driveway, I pass the Jacobses’ house and see Dani’s SUV in the driveway, where it always is unless she is at school. We used to spend all of our time together—well, that is, when she wasn’t with my brother. Now she tries to avoid me as if being around me brings her pain. I thought it was us against the world.

  I think about how our lives might be different had my brother not died, but I can’t dwell on things I can’t change. I think that might be one thing that separates me from my best friend. If, at the beginning of the school year, you had asked me how I imagined my senior year, I would have told you my plans included Katy Perry dance parties with Dani, visiting my brother in Philly, attending lacrosse games, and hanging out in downtown Annapolis. I wanted to spend as much time with my friends as possible before we all went our separate ways. I did not plan to attend the University of Pennsylvania with Dani, Emmett, and Zach. My dream was to send me to the west coast and attend the University of Southern California to study psychology. I had wanted to be a Trojan since I was young. We visited the campus once while on vacation, and I fell in love.

  However, Mother Nature decided to derail all of our plans. Instead of enjoying senior year, I’m getting by each day with the bare minimum while trying to hold myself and my family together. Dealing with the loss of my brother essentially alone, since my best friend is being consumed by her grief more and more each day, has been anything but easy.

  I pull through the gates at Glen Ridge Cemetery, a place that seems to be becoming my home away from home. As I turn onto the hill near where my brother is buried, I see a Jeep parked, and my breath catches. Tears fill my eyes. I recognize the Broadneck Bruins Lacrosse and Baltimore Ravens stickers, and while I wish it were my brother’s vehicle there, I know that it is none other than his best friend. What is he doing here?

  I park behind him and slowly make my way to Emmett’s grave. I stop in my tracks and don’t know whether I should continue walking or turn around. I see
Zach standing there with his back toward me. I suddenly stop my approach. Oh my God, I hear him talking to Emmett. I am standing too far away to listen to what he is saying, and I wouldn’t want to interrupt this moment with him. I go to turn around and walk back to my car, but I watch Zach drop to his knees, shoulders slumped and head bowed. I don’t even hesitate; I rush over to where he is on the ground. His body tenses as I wrap my arms around him.

  “Breathe, Zach. It’s okay. Let it out.”

  At the sound of my voice, his body relaxes against mine. His hands grip my arms tighter as he lets it all out. I let him cry in my arms while the tears flow freely down my cheeks.

  Zach checks in with me often. Most times, it’s just a text; other times he calls. I’m sure he feels as though, with Emmett gone, he has to take over the role of my big brother. I’ve known Zach my entire life, and he has always been the rock in our lives. Right now, everything is out of his hands. He lost his best friend. He’s watching his sister push us all away, all while being away from home. At first, I was jealous of Zach because he got to go back to school and get away from everything that reminded us Emmett was gone, but then reality set in that he and Em shared an apartment while attending the same college. There are as many memories for Zach in Philly with Em as there are here, maybe even more. There is no escaping it.

  Seeing him vulnerable like this shows me he is only human. I haven’t seen him break down since the funeral, not even when we came here for Em’s birthday. I was beginning to wonder what his secret was and if he would share it, but I see that he just hid it better than the rest of us.

  His breathing begins to even out.

  I speak softly while I continue to rub his back. “Hey. You know it’s okay to cry. Doesn’t make you any less of a man.”

  He snickers, brushing off my comment as he adjusts himself so his feet are now in front of him. He pulls his knees up and rests his elbows on them. I take this time to sit down next to him. We both wipe the tears away.

  I continue. “You know, I was beginning to wonder what your superpower was in never breaking down. Shit, these days, it seems like all I do is break down, so is it bad to say that for once, I’m glad to see someone else do it?”

  “I’m sorry you have to go through this, and I know my sister isn’t making this easy on you. You should be able to have the one person you’ve always leaned on there for you and she’s not.”

  I look down and begin to play with the grass surrounding the headstone.

  I shrug. “I know she’s hurting.”

  He grabs my wrist, bringing my attention to his. “No, that’s not an excuse. We all are.”

  I nod as he releases his hand from me.

  “I hate that we’re all hurting—you, me, our parents, my sister. I hate that there’s not a damn thing I can do about it to help anyone. I hate this. It’s bullshit that he died; he was only eighteen.”

  The tears begin to fall again.

  “I wish I knew when it would get easier, how to act when someone brings him up, or how to keep it all together.” He exhales, but in a way that makes him sound relieved for finally saying it aloud.

  “No,” I say. “There’s no rule book. We’re all just kind of winging it. If there was a rule book, I’m pretty sure it would tell you not to call his phone over and over just to hear his voice on his voicemail.”

  His lips form a frown, and I look away.

  “Yeah, I guess you didn’t need to know how pathetic I am.”

  “You’re not pathetic. You’re grieving. As you said, we’re all winging it. Plus, if I’m honest, I’d have to admit I’ve done that when I’m drunk.”

  We sit in comfortable silence, my head resting on his shoulder, for just a moment longer, letting the events of today and our confessions sink in before Zach stands again.

  “Well, I better get going.” He reaches out his hand for me to take and pulls me to my feet.

  We walk back to the cars in silence.

  “Hey, Hails,” Zach calls out as he reaches his Jeep.

  I turn and face him. “Yeah?”

  “You know you can call me anytime if you need to talk, right?”

  I nod. “I know. I’ll see ya later?”

  “Nah, I’m heading back to school. I just needed a moment.”

  I know exactly what he means. “Yeah, I get those too.”

  I watch Zach pull off and grab my phone from my purse and dial Dani’s number. I hold the phone to my ear and listen to the endless ringing before her voicemail message picks up. I exhale and end the call. No point leaving another message that I know will go unanswered. I start the car and head home to the silence.

  Me: Hey, Hails. How was prom?

  Haylee: It was fun. Was nice to dress up and escape my life for a night.

  Haylee: But, it was also weird with Dani not being there.

  Me: Mom sent me photos. You guys looked great.

  Haylee: Thanks. Not as fun as last year, of course.

  Me: Well, duh. That’s because yours truly wasn’t there. I’m the life of the party.

  I wait for a response, and it doesn’t come right away. Shit, why did I say that? Of course it was different. Nothing about this year has been the same.

  Haylee: How’s school?

  Me: It’s good. I have this one teacher, Professor Watts, that’s kind of cool. He’s not much older than us, which is kind of weird.

  Haylee: Cool.

  I go to type a response when my phone buzzes and I see my sister calling, the last person’s name I expected to see. I’m not sure when the last time she called me was. I begin to panic. I hit “answer.”

  “Dani? Is everything okay?” My breathing is labored, worried of her response.

  “Hey. Yeah. Why wouldn’t it be?” Her voice is calm as if this is an everyday occurrence.

  I bring the phone away from my ear to make sure I was on the phone with my sister. “Umm, well, you’re calling me, for one.”

  “Can’t a sister call her brother without there being something wrong?”

  Who is this girl and what did she do with my sister? The one who has been shutting us all out for months.

  “Dani, don’t get me wrong. I’m glad you called. I guess I’m just a little confused. You never want to talk to me and when I do call, you can’t wait to get me off the phone.”

  Neither of us say anything and I have to check to make sure she is still there.

  Finally Dani speaks up. “Well, that changes now. I was wondering if you wanted to hang out the next time you’re home. Like, maybe we could watch a movie or something?”

  Baby steps, I tell myself.

  The corners of my mouth lift. “I’d love that. I have something going on this weekend, but I can make it home the following weekend. That work for you?”

  “Umm, sure.” Maybe I should reschedule plans with Ky and his sisters so that my sister doesn’t change her mind, but then she speaks up. “I’m really looking forward to it, Zach. I’ve missed you.”

  “Yeah, me too, Dani. I’m just getting to the gym. Call you later?”

  “Sounds great. Bye.”

  As I enter the gym doors, a sense of peace comes over me. Maybe, in the long run, we will all be okay. I might just be getting a glimpse of my sister returning to a new normal.

  Standing on the front porch of the Jacobses’ house, I decide to ring the doorbell instead of just walking in. I hear footsteps on the other side before Kelly opens the door. Perfect. Just who I wanted to talk to.

  “Hi, sweetheart. How come you rang the doorbell? You know you can always just walk in. This is your home too.”

  I laugh and cringe. “Yeah, that did feel a little weird. I don’t know why I did that.”

  I look down at the ground and shuffle my feet nervously.

  “Is everything okay? Dani’s not here right now, but why don’t you come inside.”

  Hmm, I wonder where she went. Now is not the time to try to pick the brain of my so-called best friend. I’m not sure I could figu
re her out these days even if I tried.

  “Actually, I was hoping I could talk to you.”

  “Of course. Is everything okay? Come on in.”

  “Is it okay to sit out here and talk?”

  She nods and closes the door behind her. We walk over to the porch swing. Oh, if this swing could talk…actually I’m not sure I want to hear the stories. This swing has been a place we all have laughed, cried, and pretty sure made out with someone on at some point in our lives. I take a seat next to her.

  “What’s on your mind, Hails?”

  I reach into my bag and grab my two acceptance letters, one to the University of Southern California and the other to the University of Pennsylvania. I hadn’t planned to apply there, but my parents had convinced me that it was good to keep my options open. In my mind at the time, I knew I wouldn’t need a backup—USC had always been my number one—but I humored them and applied. I guess the joke’s on me now that I got accepted to both, and I’m at a fork in the road to decide where to go.

  When I saw the acceptance letters waiting in our mailbox, the first thing I wanted to do was call my brother. The joy I knew I would always feel holding that envelope in my hand instantly fell to sadness, and I felt myself gasping for air in a panic. Now that the deadline is finally here, I need to force myself to make the final decision.

  “What’s this?” Kelly takes the letters out of my hand and briefly reads them both. “Oh my God, Haylee! That is wonderful. Congratulations.” She pulls me into her arms in a tight hug, not one full of sorrow or feeling sorry for my loss, but full of love and pride. “Your parents must be so proud.”

  I pull back from the hug and look down at my joined hands. “Honestly? I haven’t told them yet. My mom was having a really rough time the week the acceptance letters arrived, so I’ve been hiding them in my room.”

  “What?! Why not? It’s great news, sweetie, and we could use all the good news we can get around here.” Her smile fades.

  I’m sure her mind has drifted to all we have endured lately. I still wish I could wake up from this nightmare.