scroat a dart that is aimed for treble 20, but ends up in double 20
fish and globe a score of 45 (when competing on a fairground darts stall, 45 was a score that traditionally would win the customer a small paper bag of peanuts which later became the offer of a jar (globe) and a goldfish)
Lord Nelson a score of 111 (as he had one eye, one arm, one leg)
POKER FACE
A cool head and an expressionless face will serve you well in a game that otherwise relies on luck – unless of course you have other tricks up your sleeve:
runt a poker hand worth less than a pair
motown a poker hand consisting of ‘jacks-on-fives’
vole the winning by one player of all the tricks of a deal; a grand-slam
pone the player who cuts the cards
hop a secret move made after the cut which puts the cards back in the original position and negates that cut for the cheat’s benefit
crimp to bend one or more cards so that a cheat will be able to cut the deck as he wishes, or to know that an innocent player will be cutting the deck at that same desired card
there’s work down the announcement by one player that someone somehow is cheating
BIDDING WAR
The king of card games requires not just luck, but skill of the highest level:
chicane (1886) the condition in a game of bridge of holding no trumps
bumble-puppy (1936) a game played at random (of people who play no conventions)
yarborough (19C) a bridge or whist hand with no card higher than a 9 (from a certain Earl of Yarborough who used to bet 1000 to 1 against the occurrence of such a hand; the actual odds are 1827 to 1)
flag-flying (1917) to make an overbid that will almost inevitably fail, just to liven up the game
huddle (US 1934) a period of thought in which a player considers his next move
FULL HOUSE
For those habitués of the pack, there’s a fine range of nicknames for individual cards:
devil’s bed-post (c.1835) the four of clubs, held to be unlucky
grace-card (Irish mid 19C) the six of hearts in cards
curse of Scotland (early 18C) the nine of diamonds (diamonds imply royalty and traditionally every ninth king of Scotland has been considered a tyrant and a curse to that country)
blankets (1915) the tens in a pack of cards (from the rolling of blankets in the military in tens for the convenience of transport)
noddy (Gloucestershire) the knave
suicide king the king of hearts (as the fifteenth-century French picture shows him about to impale himself on his sword)
the boy with the boots (Anglo-Irish late 19C) the joker in the pack of cards
HIGH STAKES
When you start to bring money into the picture, of course, both dice and cards can easily lose their innocence:
shill a decoy player, allied to the promoters of the game, who pretends to bet, and is allowed to ‘win’ in street games of three-card monte; his successes are intended to lure the public into laying down their money
tattogey (underworld slang 1753) one who uses loaded dice to cheat
langret (mid 16C) a die so loaded that it shows 3 or 4 more often than any other number
DESPERATE BIDS
For some unfortunates, the impulse to win can stop being a game and become more a part of their lives. As the Aussies say, there are some people who would bet on two flies walking up the wall:
martingale to continue doubling one’s stake after losing in the hope of eventual recovery
ring in one’s nose to be losing and betting heavily and impetuously in an attempt to get even (like a bull)
fishing remaining in a card game in the hope of a vital card
bird dog a small time or novice gambler who hangs around experienced professional gamblers to pick up tips
nut the living expenses and other overheads that a gambler must meet from his winnings
MONTE CARLO OR BUST
For people like this, home games are soon no longer enough; a professional arena for their habit beckons; and there, of course, under the patina of respectability, pretty much anything goes:
ladder man a casino employee who sits on a high chair and watches for any errors or cheating by players or croupiers
booster a bit player in a casino who entices genuine players to bet (and usually lose) their money
top-hatting in roulette, the surreptitious placing of more casino chips on top of existing ones after the outcome has been decided
BINGO LINGO
Better to switch to a sociable game often favoured by the older woman, which comes with its own inimitable terminology. Two fat ladies (88) and legs eleven are well-known but there are many other traditional coinages:
1 buttered scone
6 Tom Mix (more modern: chopsticks)
7 Gawd’s in ’eaven
12 monkey’s cousin (from rhyming slang for dozen)
23 a duck and a flea (from the shape of the figures)
50 half-way house (1940s) (since there are 100 numbers available to the caller)
76 was she worf it? (from 7/6d the old price of a marriage licence)
77 two little crutches (from the shape of the figures)
80 Gandhi’s breakfast (as he ‘ate nothing’)
ANORAKS
Or else give it up entirely and settle on a worthwhile and productive hobby:
notaphily (1970) the collecting of paper currency as a hobby
deltiologist (1959) a collector of picture postcards
cartophily (1936) the hobby of collecting cigarette cards
arctophile (1970s) a person who loves or collects teddy bears
cruciverbalist (US slang 1970s) a crossword puzzle addict
bowerbird (Australian slang) a person who collects an astonishing array of sometimes useless objects
WORD JOURNEYS
hazard (13C) a game of dice
forfeit (13C from Latin via Old French) ‘done beyond the bounds of’ the law, a crime
depart (13C from Latin via Old French) to divide into parts, distribute
MUSH FAKERS AND APPLESQUIRES
The world of work
He that hopes to thrive must rise at five;
he that has thriven, may lie till seven;
but he that will never thrive may lie till eleven
(1640)
Even in these days of welfare, or national handbag as Polari slang (see page 157) evocatively has it, most of us have to work at something to make ends meet. However specialized or odd our occupation may be, we can take comfort from the fact that in harsher times, jobs came in all shapes and sizes:
legger (Yorkshire) a man employed to move canal boats through tunnels by walking on the roof or sides of the tunnel
fottie (Scottish) a female wool-gatherer
murenger (Cheshire 1706) an officer appointed to keep the walls of a city in repair
sewer (Tudor–Stuart) an attendant at a meal who superintended the seating of the guests and the tasting and the serving of the dishes
shore-man (Cockney) one who searches sewers for rats
pure-finder (c.1850) a street collector of dogs’ dung
applesquire (late 16C) the male servant of a prostitute
gong-farmer (1596) a person who cleaned out privies at night and sold the waste as a fertilizer
screever (1851) a professional writer of begging letters
glutman (1796) a temporary customs officer hired because of his ability to be numerate
lodger-remover (underworld slang 1889) a seller of fine-toothed haircombs
mush faker (1821) an umbrella repairer (‘mushroom-faker’)
resurrection doctor (1800s) a doctor who buys corpses which are stolen from graves, or has people murdered and delivered to him
whiffler (1539) an officer armed with a weapon who clears the way for a procession
COLOUR CODED
Nowadays many jobs can be seen as either white or blue collar, wh
ere the former are those who wear a suit and work in offices, and the latter those getting their hands dirty in a boilersuit. The designation white came first, in 1921, and blue followed in 1950. Since then imaginative business writers and others have added yet more categories:
pink (1975) secretaries and other clerical staff
steel (1980) robots
grey (1981) skilled technicians; employees whose job descriptions combine some white- and some blue-collar duties
green (1984) environmentalists
gold (1985) professionals or those with in-demand skills; employees over 55
black (1998) miners (especially coal miners) and oil workers
scarlet (2000) female pornographic shop operators
ELBOW GREASE
But whatever your job, whether it be typing at a word-processor or hauling coal, there is one element in common: at some point you have to get stuck in to doing the work:
swallow the frog to tackle the hardest task possible
knife-and-fork it to deal with it bit by bit
antisocordist (1680) an opponent of laziness or idiocy
fluttergrub (Sussex) a man who takes a delight in working about in the dirt, and getting into every possible mess
work for Jesus (US industrial relations) to put in extra work without asking for extra pay
JOBSWORTH
Of course there are always those who manage to slow productivity in some way or other. As the Australians say, they’re as useless as an ashtray on a motorbike:
chair plug (2006) someone who sits in a meeting but contributes nothing
boondoggle (1935) to carry out valueless or extremely trivial work in order to convey the impression that one is busy
to be on the shockell (Warwickshire) to neglect one’s work through beer
headless nail (1950s) a worker who, once he got into a job, was impossible to get out, even if unsuitable
sunlighting (US 1980s) doing a quite different job on one day of the working week
BRAINSTORMING
Ideas, as they say, are two a penny. But a sudden brainwave can be worth a month of pointless toil:
quaesitum (1748) the answer to a problem
just-add-water (UK current office jargon) an idea that is so brilliantly simple yet effective that it requires little by way of preparation
limbeck (1599) to rack or fatigue the brain in an effort to have a new idea
NO-DAY
However hard we try not to, we all have those days where our hard work seems to come to nought:
blue duck (New Zealand 1890) something unprofitable
windmill-tilt (US jargon 2006) a fruitless and frustrating venture: attacking imaginary enemies or fighting otherwise-unwinnable battles
salmon day (1990s) the entire day spent swimming upstream only to get screwed in the end
PUSHING THE ENVELOPE
The jargon of contemporary corporate life may seem absurd to the outsider, rich as it is in the most colourful of metaphors. But it’s certainly guaranteed to brighten up even the dullest day:
takeaway nuggets insights or information resulting from a meeting or interaction
sunset clauses stipulations that a contract or regulation will lapse unless renewed
to wash its own face to justify or pay for itself
push the peanut to progress an arduous and delicate task forward
ketchup-bottle a long period of inertia followed by a burst of exaggerated activity; the unplanned release of pent-up forces
swallow your own smoke to take responsibility for and/or suffer the consequences of your mistakes
MANAGERIE
Why are things so often discussed in animal terms? Is it because of a desperate subliminal desire to get out of the office?
shoot the puppy to dare to do the unthinkable
prairie dogging popping one’s head above an office cubicle out of curiosity or to spy on colleagues
lipstick on a pig an attempt to put a favourite spin on a negative situation
a pig in a python a surge in a statistic measured over time
boiling frog syndrome a company which fails to recognize gradual market change (as a slowly boiled frog may not detect a slow temperature increase)
moose on the table an issue which everyone in a business meeting knows is a problem but which no one wants to address
seagull manager a manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, shits all over everything, and then leaves
THANK GOD IT’S FRIDAY – OFFICE ACRONYMS
SWOT Strengths, Weaknesses, Opportunities, Threats (a favourite of consultants)
PICNIC Problem In Chair, Not In Computer
WOMBAT Waste Of Money, Brains And Time
POET’S day Piss Off Early Tomorrow’s Saturday (refers to Friday)
BULLS AND BEARS
In good times and bad, the highly paid practitioners of both the City of London and Wall Street have couched their dubious activities in their own specialized jargon:
J-Lo (Wall Street) the rounding bottom in a stock’s price chart (after the curvaceous Jennifer Lopez)
Bo Derek (Wall Street) the perfect stock (after her famous film 10)
poop and scoop to drive down a share price by spreading malicious rumours
mattressing the term used by other traders and bank managers to hide their results
barefoot pilgrim someone who has lost everything on the stock market, but might still be persuaded to invest again
catch a falling knife to buy a stock as its price is going down, in the hope that it will go back up, only to have it continue to fall
ROOM AT THE TOP
If you have ability, however, and enough patience to continue to play the game, you will slowly but surely make your way up the corporate ladder:
royal jelly flashy projects fed to someone whom the boss is grooming for promotion
marzipan layer the group who are ranked below the very top in their profession, but ahead of the majority
tribal chiefs bosses who dominate through charisma and patronage
deceptionist a secretary whose job it is to delay or block potential visitors on behalf of their boss
FIRM HAND
Though we’d all like to believe that hard work is always rewarded, with the best jobs going to the most productive people, the sad fact is that the realities of employing people are not always so straightforward:
muppet shuffle the redeployment of problem staff
featherbedding (1949) the practice of forcing the employer (by union rule etc.) to hire more workers than needed (or to limit his workers’ production)
kicked upstairs (1967) removed from the scene of action by promotion to an ostensibly higher post
other shoe syndrome when a number of executives in a firm are being made redundant, those survivors, rather than feeling relieved, find their own morale sabotaged as they wait for ‘the other shoe’ to come down on them
chainsaw consultants outside experts brought in to reduce the employee headcount (leaving the top brass with clean hands)
THE SACK
So unpleasant is it to ask people to clear their desks and take their skills elsewhere, that a huge number of words and phrases has grown up to euphemistically describe the simple fact of redundancy. You might have been handed your cards or perhaps you’re clearing your desk, considering your position or maybe becoming a consultant. Maybe you’ve been deselected or you’re taking an early bath. Then again, perhaps you’re excess to requirements or you’ve even been excluded. You’re leaving to give time to your other commitments or else you’re off on gardening leave. If you’re lucky you’ll have negotiated a golden handshake rather than merely being given a leave of absence or let go. When you’re given notice let’s hope they don’t say it’s natural wastage or that you’ve been stood down. No, you’re spending more time with your wife and family, as it’s your right to do, even if your contract has been terminated and nobody could really describe this as a voluntary relocation.
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br /> SMALL IS BETTER
As for the ruthless companies themselves, why, they’re doing nothing more unnatural than a bit of decruitment. They are in fact degrowing, dehiring, delayering and destaffing. In a process of downsizing some employees have had to take early release. Yes, there is a bit of executive outplacement and force reduction going on. Shall we call it internal reorganization? Nobody is being put out to grass. There’s been a personnel surplus reduction, indeed a straightforward rationalization of the workforce. Some people have been redeployed. There’s been a bit of restructuring, some retrenching and rightsizing, not to mention schedule adjustment, selective separation and skill-mix adjustment. It’s all nothing more than a bit of transitioning, vocational relocation and workforce imbalance correction.
MY OLD MAN’S A…
Once upon a time, we were all quite happy to say exactly what it was we did. But as status has become ever more important, some quite straightforward occupations have developed some quite preposterous titles:
vision clearance engineer a window cleaner
stock replenishment adviser a shelf stacker
dispatch services facilitator a post room worker
head of verbal communications a receptionist/secretary
environment improvement technician a cleaner
HAWKERS AND HUCKSTERS
However you dress him (or her) up, there’s no denying that a salesman is always a salesman. It’s an occupation that’s been around since men first started trading beads and barley:
The Wonder of Whiffling Page 7
