Scarlett Says

by Scarlett Moffatt

  Manspreading

  It does my head in when men spread their legs really wide when they’re sat next to you on a train. It’s inappropriate when they’re touching your leg. That’s my personal space. Piss off. There’s a line on the seat and if they’re over the crevice of the seat, they’re in my area. I’ve asked men to move their legs before. It’s just not appropriate.

  If a man really spreads, you can see the shape of their balls and I don’t want to be looking at that. It’s not nice. Sometimes, if it’s a big package, you can’t help but look even though you really don’t want to. It’s like your eyes refuse to look anywhere else.

  It’s not just men who do it, I’ve see women do it too. It’s worse when women have got a gunt and it’s right in your face. Put it away.

  Chat-up lines

  I would say to any men who ever use chat-up lines, stop it. Unless someone is funny and charming when they’re using them, they fall totally flat and they never work on me and my mates. If someone rolls out the ‘Are you tired? Because you’ve been running through my mind all night’ kind of lines and they’re laughing while they’re doing it, I don’t mind that so much. But when someone genuinely tries to use a line and be cool with it? It’s awful.

  A guy once said to me, ‘I’ve lost my phone, so can I have your number?’ I was like, ‘That makes no sense! How are you going to take my number if you’ve got no phone?’ He clearly said the line completely wrong and as soon as he realized, he kind of scuttled off mambling.

  The ten worst chat-up lines I’ve ever heard

  1) Excuse me, my name’s Mr Right, I was told you were looking for me?

  2) Is that a ladder in your tights, or a stairway to heaven?

  3) Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

  4) If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put U and I next to each other.

  5) I bet your surname is Jacobs, cos you’re a real cracker.

  6) Have a feel of this shirt – do you know what that feels like? Boyfriend material.

  7) You look like a parking ticket, because you’ve got ‘fine’ written all over you.

  8) Are those astronaut trousers, cos your arse is out of this world.

  9) Excuse me, do you have a plaster? I scraped my knee when I fell for you.

  10) Can we shake hands? I want to be able to say I’ve been touched by an angel.

  Wingwomen

  Even though she’s engaged, Sarah is my main wingwoman when we’re out on the town because she’s really friendly, and guys always seem to pick up on the fact that she’s just being chatty and she’s not interested in anything else. Which leaves room for me to move in . . .

  She also knows a lot of guys through her fiancé, Michael, so that’s a good way to meet lads. The best thing is that she knows me so well she can tell straight away if I’m not interested. All I need to do is raise my eyebrows a bit and she backs off. That’s our code – it’s the eyebrow code. I can’t be wasting time on a lad I’m not keen on on a night out. There’s dancing to be done.

  I recently met a guy and when I woke up the following morning I had a text from him, but I definitely didn’t give him my number. I think he got it from someone else somehow, so that worried me a bit. I’ve got my email address on my Twitter profile so that charities and stuff can contact me directly, and I’ve had lads sending me emails asking me out, which also makes me feel a bit uncomfortable. I haven’t got my contact details on there so lads can crack on!

  I’ve had messages on Facebook from guys saying they’ve seen me out the night before and asking me out for a drink. The first thing that goes through my head is, Well, why didn’t you come and speak to me then? If a lad hasn’t got the balls to come and talk to me in a bar, he’s hardly the man of my dreams.

  Having said that, I’m probably not that easy to approach. If I’m having proper banter with my mates and a lad comes up to me, I’m like, ‘No, this is the wrong time. There are loads of girls sitting around waiting for lads to go up and talk to them and I’m in the middle of a dance-off. You need to get out of my personal space.’

  I have tried to do a Cilla Black at times and introduce my mates to guys, but I’m so shit at it. I do it to Sam all the time and honestly, I’m crap. I’ve set her up with several of my male friends but matchmaking isn’t my strong point. I still try, though. I want my friends to be happy and loved-up (but obviously not all of them before I am so I’m left on the shelf downing Blossom Hill on me own).

  I don’t know if anyone else does this, and if you don’t it might seem a bit weird, but my mates and I sometimes take photos of lads we like on a night out. Not with their consent like, mainly when they’re not looking. I like the way I moan about other people taking photos of me and then I do the same. But this is different. I could marry one of those men!

  It does sound like we’re a bunch of perverts, but we try and sneak pictures so we can show each other guys we fancy and get feedback. I did it in a restaurant recently and I didn’t realize I had the flash turned on. This bloke looked at me as if to say, ‘What the fuck?’ and I had to say really loudly to my mate, ‘This keeps happening with my phone, you know. It’s dead weird.’ I’m pretty sure I didn’t get away with it.41

  Music

  As much as I love dancing on a night out, I’m not very up with the charts and shit. I couldn’t tell you one song that’s in the charts right now. I tend to dance to new stuff when I’m out but I never really know what’s at number one. My iPhone playlist is one of those that you could never put on at a party. I’d be too embarrassed. I quite like sixties music, and I’ve even got a bit of B*Witched on my phone. I like old-school R&B too, and I’ve got a bit of early Kanye on there. I love his early stuff. But not that one where’s he’s on a motorbike with Kim. It made my ears bleed. And I can’t work out if him saying he’s Jesus and stuff is a joke or whether he really believes it.

  My taste in music is basically shit.

  Adele

  I really like Adele. I just think everything she does is class. She doesn’t have tits and arse in her videos. She’s just about the songs. It’s mental that she seems utterly unlike anyone else just because she’s a normal size and shape. She’s got shit from people on Twitter and again you just want to say to them, ‘You’re hearing those songs, the way she sings them, and what you’re taking away from that is her weight?’ It’s just pathetic and I feel sorry for them. She’s not even that big!

  Funeral songs

  I’ve also got my funeral songs on my iTunes. How weird is that? You know you’re going to have one at some point, so you may as well sort it out now. My mam and I chat about our funeral songs all the time. We can’t be the only ones? If we do it in front of Dad, he’ll say, ‘Will you not, please?’ But we need to be organized because what if you hadn’t chosen any song and someone played bad songs at your funeral? I wouldn’t be able to rest. I’d be haunting everyone.

  Mam’s funeral songs are really emotional and she said she wants everyone to cry about how much they’re going to miss her. She starts getting weepy when we talk about it, and she also gets upset about the fact she won’t be at her own funeral.

  When I walk into the church at my funeral – well, not walk in, when they take me in – I want ‘Earth Angel’ by the Penguins playing because it will get everyone crying. Then I want the ‘Circle of Life’ from The Lion King, and as they take me out I want ‘My Way’ by Frank Sinatra. You’ve got to be organized about this stuff.

  I also want to arrive in a coach pulled by horses and I want people to wear black veils. I don’t want anyone turning up in their work trousers because it’s the only black thing they own; I want them to go out and buy special attire and big floppy hats. I don’t want any of this ‘It’s a celebration’ rubbish. I want loads of crying and people shouting, ‘Why?!’ I even know who I want the pallbearers to be. I’ve got a top-ten list because obviously I don’t know who’s still going to be around then, so I’ve got people as back-up. It’s ridiculous that I h
aven’t really planned my wedding but I know every detail of my funeral.

  Top four songs that bring back memories

  ‘Dancing Queen’ by ABBA

  This song instantly takes me back to the Winter Gardens in Blackpool. I’m transported back in time to dance competitions I took part in where I was covered in fake tan and glitter, choking on everyone’s hairspray and hearing people cheering for each other. It’s such a happy song.

  ‘Wannabe’ by the Spice Girls

  This makes me think of my school-disco days when I had crimped hair, chunky trainers, roll-on glitter, flavoured lip gloss and blue eyeshadow. Stay classy, Scarlett.

  ‘Jive Bunny Megamix’

  This reminds me of my nanny’s house at Christmas when I was a kid because it always got played. The children would be dancing around the living room while all the grown-ups frantically ran around trying to find chairs for everyone to sit on.

  ‘I Gotta Feeling’ by The Black Eyed Peas

  Whenever I hear this I feel like I’m back at my old uni house getting ready for a night out. If Sarah didn’t want to go out, I’d play this song and the next thing you knew it would be 5 a.m. and we’d be getting a Subway on the journey home.

  Miley Cyrus

  I love dancing to songs by Beyoncé on a night out, and I quite like Miley Cyrus too, but she’s gone a bit crazy, hasn’t she? It’s not like she’s leaking sex tapes and she never goes on about her weight or anything, she’s just a bit quirky. She could do without mentioning drugs quite so much, but she’s not offensive. Leave her be, I say.42

  I think she’s rebelling against Disney like Christina Aguilera and Britney Spears and Ariana Grande and Demi Lovato. I reckon there’s a pattern there. They should take a look at what was going on in the Disney Club. Actually, that’s a bit sick, isn’t it, that so many of the sexy singers in the world are basically people we’ve grown up with as children. Mind you, my dad was around when Kylie was in Neighbours when she was dead young and now he thinks she’s – how does he put it? – ‘a very attractive woman’. He tried to get me to buy her calendar for him a little while ago and I wasn’t having any of it.

  Miley gets quite a lot of grief for not wearing much and making rude videos but I mean, she’s not hurting anyone with the things she does. If you look back at Victorian times, it was slutty to show your ankles and we need to evolve eventually. No one has a problem with men having their tops off in music videos and they’ve been rapping about bitches and hos for ages. But when a woman says something controversial they all go mental.

  I could never be a pop star. I was going to say it’s because I can’t sing, but neither can most pop stars, can they? It’s all about the auto-tune. Will.i.am sounds like a robot on his songs.

  When it’s raining or I’m sat in a car I pretend I’m in a music video. I’ll put a ballad on and look out the window. I do it all the time. If no one is in the house, I’ll pretend I’m auditioning for shows and things. I flick my hair back in the bath and belt out songs and all sorts. Everyone should do it. It’s liberating.

  The future of One Direction

  I will admit to having danced to One Direction on a night out, but they’ve had it now, haven’t they? I think they were on the wane before Zayn left to be honest, and then when he did a runner they kind of slipped even further in my estimation. Even though he’d left the band by the time he dumped Perrie the way he did, I think that whole thing tarnished them because he acted like such a twat. I also think they were for kids and then one of them got someone pregnant. That’s when it was definitely time to call it a day.

  1D needed to leave on a proper high so I think they split up at the right time. They needed to break up and then they can reunite in twenty years’ time like all the other boy bands do. When they have a tax bill, or Marks & Spencer needs a new campaign.

  Even my little sister thinks their music is crap. They look too old now and they haven’t got that cute factor. They also seemed to get too big for their boots. I think Harry Styles is overrated. If anyone else had that hairstyle, they’d be called a knobhead. I quite like Niall because he keeps himself to himself and you never see him being an idiot in the papers. That’s saying something about them: my favourite is the one I don’t have to see as much.

  Now they’re going solo I think Harry Styles will be the only one that does well. Liam is probably the best singer but everyone fancies Harry. I can’t imagine Louis being a big pop star. He’ll just go and look after his kid. I’d like to think that Niall will come out of the woodwork and be a big solo star, but I can’t see it.

  I hope people realize what a dickhead Zayn is and that his music bombs. He thought he didn’t need the band any more but time will tell. Seriously, who does he think he is? He’s always having spats with celebrities like Calvin Harris and Naughty Boy. Who’s looking after him? He’s like this weird, angry little man. I don’t think he’ll do very well unless he stops being such a twat. I fear he’ll start trying to rap. I’m genuinely scared about that.

  I think it will be really hard for 1D not to have that fame any more, but maybe they’ll enjoy being normal for a while? They can do little gigs in their local pubs and have a bit of craic.43

  So, back to our night out. As long as I can actually see someone buy me a drink from a bar I’m fine with it. But anything else? Forget it. A guy came up to me with a glass of wine recently and I told him I didn’t want it. I was really nice about it but I was honest and said he could have put anything in it. He laughed, but I really meant it. People probably think I’m crazy but if in doubt, ask for the cash equivalent. Just think, if I took money every time someone offered to buy me a drink, I could end up making money on a night out!

  Oddly I get bought fewer drinks now I’m on Gogglebox. I don’t know if people think I’m rich or something? I’m sure people assume that as soon as you become even a bit famous you’re absolutely loaded. I also wonder if people think I’m going to be dead up myself because I’m on telly so they don’t approach me as much. But maybe it’s just because they don’t like my dance moves? What if I’m using Gogglebox as an excuse for being really offensive on the eyes and a shit dancer?

  Ten things not to do on a night out (if you don’t want to wake up with regret like I often do)

  1) Go out without eating (always line your stomach).

  2) Mix your drinks. This is where it all starts to go wrong. Stick to a maximum of two kinds of drink.

  3) When it’s your mate’s round don’t order something more expensive and be one of those people.

  4) Ask the DJ to play a sad song or a ballad. You’re on a night out, man. Keep things lively.

  5) Spend half your night on your phone like a Wi-Fi wanker.

  6) Think it’s a good idea to text an ex.

  7) Wear footwear you can’t dance in. There’s no point in having amazing shoes if they are going to be tucked under a table all night.

  8) Try and take a selfie late at night. Take a tip from Cinderella and make midnight your cut-off point (I’m sure she took selfies).

  9) Try and send a tweet or post on Facebook when you’re very drunk. Or even slightly drunk.

  10) Go home without getting food when you feel hungry. You’ll only end up eating everything in your kitchen cupboards/fridge, and none of it will taste as nice as chips.

  9

  . . . taxi!

  Scarlett’s Favourite Random Facts

  Ostriches can run faster than horses.

  Bananas are berries, strawberries are not.

  When you die, your hair carries on growing for two months.

  After countless drinks and a load of dancing it’s time to head home. I tend to leave a night out once the room starts spinning, my feet begin to hurt or I’ve spent all of my money and used my credit card at least twice. Once my cash has gone and I’ve moved on to my card I know it’s bad. You can get a double Jack Daniel’s and Coke for £2.50 where I live, so I don’t know how I spend so much money.

  Sometimes I
’ll wake up the next morning and look at my online banking and my heart will drop. It’s shocking. When I add that to how much cash I’ve taken out at the beginning of the night it’s really depressing. I’ve basically paid a fortune to feel shit. I don’t know why we all do it to ourselves?

  I’m often up for extending a night when I’m out with the girls, so I’ve ended up at a lot of house parties whose sole purpose is to allow us to carry on drinking. Sometimes we don’t even know the people whose house it is; we just roll up and drink some really shit wine.

  I am one of those people who knows when to leave, though.

  Knowing when to go home

  It sounds crazy, but I have this weird sixth sense about when to go home. I get this funny feeling in my stomach and I know shit’s going to go down, so I toddle off. I usually pretend I’m going to the loo and then try and leave. I never tell my friends I’m off because I know they’d try and make me stay; I just do a sly slip-away.

  One of my mates will usually phone me the following day and say, ‘You left at the right time. There was a big fight and things got smashed.’ I feel really smug knowing I was at home asleep when all of that was going on.

  There is a bit of etiquette for leaving places and I think it says a lot about a person how they do it. Some of my friends get dead stressed about it and they’ll make sure they go round and say goodbye to every single person before they go, but I can’t be arsed. Sometimes I’ll admit I’m leaving, but most of the time I’ll disappear and then send a message to our Facebook group to say I’m in a taxi and not to worry about me.

  One of my friends never knows when it’s time go to bed. We literally have to tell her she needs to leave when she’s swaying and singing. You never want to be that person who wakes up on someone else’s sofa with a mouth drier than the Sahara, but that’s always her.