Scarlett Says

by Scarlett Moffatt

  So it turns out me mam thinks Jesus was just like an old-fashioned Dynamo and my dad thinks he was a doctor, which is why he healed loads of lepers and shit.

  Personally I think Jesus was probably a bit like Derren Brown and he could do amazing tricks so everyone thought he was the man. Maybe in another 2,000 years there will be an amazing new celebration in Derren’s name. Although Derrenmas doesn’t really work, does it?

  Pets

  When my Sunday night hangover all gets too much I have to go upstairs and find a way to distract myself. I’ll go to bed and read loads of shit online or watch YouTube videos of X Factor fails until I fall asleep. Sometimes Ava will come and watch things with me, and my dog Bonnie will be there having a cuddle.

  I love pets. They’re such a big part of your family. I got a snake called Cecil for my tenth birthday, but when I went on holiday when I was thirteen I left him with my mam’s friend Dawn and he ‘escaped’.

  My theory is that my mam asked Dawn to give him away because she hated him. We used to have a patterned carpet and he would regularly escape from his tank and blend in with the carpet. She would always freak out when she spotted him slithering around, so I reckon she hatched a plan to get rid of poor Cecil.

  I also had a frog called Stony and a fish I won from the fair called Lucky. That’s the one my dad cut the thumb off a glove for; he put Lucky inside and then we gave him a proper burial. We did the same with all me hamsters. We had one called Gladiator because he used to climb on top of the cage and he was mint, but they don’t last long, do they?

  We love dogs as a family and we had a Labrador called Glenn when I was younger, and now we’ve got Harry and Bonnie. We like quite human names for our pets. Harry is named after Prince Harry, and Bonnie is called Miss Bonnie Blue Butler after Scarlett O’Hara’s daughter in Gone with the Wind. Chihuahuas are Mexican and for Halloween last year I got Bonnie a little sombrero and some legwarmers that had maracas attached to them. She looked amazing.

  I would never want a cat. I hate them. They don’t give a fuck and they’re selfish. If someone else starts feeding them, they’ll instantly be their best friend, even if you’ve had them for years.

  Charlotte, who I sit next to at work, had a cat for about seven years and the people in the house opposite her kept feeding it. She asked them to stop but they didn’t and now the cat lives with her neighbours and refuses to go home. It sits in the window looking at Charlotte with a smug look on its face.

  Cats are like blokes: they piss off and come back whenever they want feeding.

  Dreams

  After I’ve watched loads of random crap on YouTube, my light will go out at about nine o’clock because by that point I’ve had enough of my hangover. That’s all I can take. I know I’ll wake up feeling better on the Monday so I want it to come as quickly as possible.

  I often remember my dreams and I have dead weird ones. Whenever one of my friends has a weird dream they’ll message me and ask me what it means. I’ve got this app on my phone with the meanings of things, so I’ll analyse it for them.

  I used to have this recurring dream that I was being chased by a fox and I’d go up in my attic to hide, but it would already be up there. It could never quite catch me, though. Apparently that means I’m worrying about things I shouldn’t be worrying about.

  I hate it if I wake up and don’t remember my dreams because I like being able to tell people about them. I had a dream about Jason Manford once and I woke up and sort of fancied him afterwards, which was weird. I also had one about my ex cheating on me and I was really pissed off with him the next day because it felt so real.

  I once dreamt I got a work promotion, and I also dreamt that I was a kids’ TV presenter. I’m really hoping that one comes true.

  So, we’ve come to the end of our night out/hangover day. I hope you’ve had fun. I have to say, the worst thing after a big weekend is going to work on a Monday still feeling hungover because it’s always busy and everyone is asking me loads of questions. That’s when I’ll tell myself I’m never drinking again. But then by the Tuesday when I feel OK, I’m back to loving life, all those plans I made on Sunday to be really healthy go out the window and I’m gearing up for a weekend of binge drinking again. And hell, Saturday is only five days away . . .

  Scarlett xx

  Endnotes

  1 Which by the way is my God-given right, because it’s my front room. If I want to sit around in me pants, smearing human excrement on the walls, I can.

  2 I’m named after that massive whore Scarlett O’Hara from Gone with the Wind. Mam says that’s unfair and she just tried to make the best of things in difficult circumstances. Me dad wanted to name me after Sigourney Weaver cos he loves the film Alien, so they played a game of Scrabble to decide and she won. I like to think I don’t live up to me first name, although I did get an A* in textiles at school so I could probably make a canny dress out of some curtains.

  3 I mean, there’s plenty of weirdos too. This one guy on Twitter asked me to send him a pair of me socks. Loads of people have asked me if it’s me real parents I sit with or actors. What goes on in some people’s heads?!

  4 Having said that, if you look at that University Challenge, the opposite is definitely true. Seriously, very smart people, but most of them look like they’re one step away from stealing Frodo’s ring. You can recite the periodic table backwards in Latin, but you can’t find the shampoo aisle in the supermarket – come on, man. I’d like to take the whole lot of them out for a drink and buy them some fake tan and a pair of shorts. ‘Look: sun, fresh air, people. Go nuts.’

  5 Anyway, rather than lose weight, you can always buy bigger jeans. Until you’re wearing those ‘before’ photo jeans that two people can fit in. As a rule, if your clothes can fit more than one person at one time, then you should probably think about cutting down on the pies.

  6 You think the answer would obviously be yes, but then think how annoying it would be for them to go upstairs with you, and then when you watched TV your legs would be sticking out in front of you, and you’d be rubbish at dancing. It’s a tough one.

  7 I heard a brilliant story about Billy Connolly the other day. Apparently he was at an Easter procession once with his grandson and there was Jesus on the cross and his grandson said, ‘Who’s that?’ and Billy Connolly said it was Jesus and his grandson said, ‘What, baby Jesus?! Someone killed baby Jesus?!’ And it definitely is confusing. There’s not much about the difficult teenage years is there. Ten-year-old Jesus. Or like Jesus when he was having arguments with his parents. ‘I don’t want to be a carpenter. I hate you. You’re not me real dad!’

  8 I feel like at least one area where things are becoming more equal between the sexes is the amount of time lads spend getting ready, especially up north. It’s probably the wrong way round. Women should feel like they can spend less time on their appearance, rather than blokes spending more. But I take equality where I can find it. I reckon it’s the law that you have to go to the gym if you’re a man up here. You go down south and some of the men are skinny and don’t have sleeve tattoos. It’s weird. Even so, I reckon they need a good few more years of back, sack and cracks before they get anywhere close to the shit most women put themselves through every morning just to go to work.

  9 The funny thing is that I still see a lot of the people who bullied me around town and these days they look like I did back then, so I reckon I was just ahead of me time.

  10 Speaking of which, I don’t trust the tooth fairy, man. They come and get your teeth and leave money. So that means that human teeth are worth money to them. How long will it be before some innovative tooth fairy is like, ‘Hang on, ladies, we don’t need to wait for them to fall out, we can get stuck in with a hammer and have all the teeth we want.’ Creepy little bastards.

  11 Boobs.

  12 Obviously, I’m not saying be crazily unhealthy, and there are probably people who need to be careful with what they’re eating. But I reckon there’s such a lot of
noise in the opposite direction, especially now from this new lot of big-hair yoga women who spiralize everything. If someone offered me some courgetti, they’d be wearing it.

  13 My theory is that the whole world is just pissed off because they used to be able to vent by slamming the phone down at the end of an argument. It was the way they got rid of all that stored-up aggression. Pushing the little button on the screen of your phone doesn’t vent any of your anger, does it? They should make a cover for your phone and an app to go with it, so you can smash your smartphone onto the table and it hangs up. In fact, if that isn’t already a thing, nobody steal it, that’s my idea. I’m taking it to the Dragons.

  14 One thing I don’t understand, when that Russian plane blew up and ISIS took credit for it on Twitter, is how ISIS can be on Twitter. Surely if they’ve got a blue tick that means Twitter is doing better than the FBI at working out who they are. It makes me sad when you fall down that wormhole and you see all of the hatred and anger people are typing to each other on Twitter. There’s all those cases of people tweeting threatening stuff and you just want to say, ‘Have a word with yourself, man’.

  15 Literally the week that I sent this book off to be edited, I got a job hosting a radio breakfast show up near me. It’s only temporary and I’ve done one day, so all I can say is that it’s mental getting up when there are still owls out.

  16 I wrote this before I actually had to do it. Owls, man. Owls.

  17 Does anyone else do that thing where they kind of scoop the hot bath-water with their hands and try and mix it around them so it warms up quicker? I’m pretty sure the science of liquids doesn’t support that but I still do it every time.

  18 My editor wanted me to put the code word here but I told them, ‘Then the aliens could read this and use it against me somehow.’ I’m not stupid, me.

  19 I have a friend who confuses it with Studio 54 and calls it Area 54. That’d be a nightclub full of people in suits and disco wigs.

  20 Dear Domino’s, just so you know, I like ham and mushroom but don’t even think about putting pineapple on me pizza. *shudders*

  21 I’d obviously be something like toffee or mahogany flavour. You don’t get enough wood-flavoured ice creams. Again, don’t steal that, I reckon Duncan Bannatyne will be all over that.

  22 I say that as someone who’s never even had a Pro Plus.

  23 It’s like people going mad over speedy boarding at the airport. They’re just paying the extra money to feel a little bit special. You know the plane has to wait for everyone to get on before it can take off, right? And it’s not like there aren’t enough seats and some people have to go outside on the wing. It’s literally just the people that want you to know they’ve paid a bit extra. It’s a twat tax is what it is. Now, if they were like, pay £35 extra and you’ll get an oxygen mask if the cabin pressure fails, then I’d pay it.

  24 I’ve been a bit left behind with what her surname is.

  25 I took our Ava there recently and she thought it was shit. I tried to get her excited: ‘He’s coming from the floor.’ And she was just like, ‘Yeah, on a machine.’ I took her to the Illuminations too, and she just looked at it and said, ‘What a waste of electricity.’ I tell you, man, that generation, they’re a tough crowd.

  26 It’s in the Bible too, isn’t it? The apple that made everyone ashamed of their nakedness. Everyone blames Eve, but to be fair, it sounds like she was off her face at the time. ‘Eve, why did you eat that apple?’ ‘Talking snake told me to.’ Riiiiiight.

  27 Dad, if you’re reading this, it’s a joke. I often wear jeans out to nightclubs.

  28 There used to be so much strategy about getting served in pubs. All the lads would be like ‘go in jangling some keys and complaining about traffic and your job and that. That’ll make you sound old enough.’ All the girls just wore a push-up bras.

  29 Full disclosure: if Mr Dyson is reading this, a hoover would be completely appreciated. Or if you do tours of the factory or anything.

  30 Channel Four, if you’re reading, it could be called ‘Scarlett Dances the Hits’.

  31 I can say that because I’m basically in Little Mix, what with me doppelgänger.

  32 We’re very good at sit-down sports aren’t we? We’re basically gold-medal standard at sitting down. For all the ones where it’s just about trying really hard, we’re basically shit, aren’t we?

  33 A good rule of thumb is, if there’s lots of signs up saying ‘proper gravy’ it’s probably not going to be a very nice place.

  34 Not at the same time. That would have been dangerous, like under the influence. The wine into water and walking on water are pretty impressive. But he doesn’t really follow it up with any medium-sized stunts in the middle, does he? That’s like the little tricks that someone does at the beginning of the show. He needed to follow that up with a few bigger illusions. There’s quite a lot of general healing if I remember. Though I guess the whole coming back from the dead thing is a bit of a show-stopper. I wonder if anyone’s ever done a Jesus-themed magic show. That’s probably in poor taste.

  35 Actually, that one still does work. We could call it Pet-a-Porter. That’s mint.

  36 Although I do have one tip that Sam does and it always works. Wear an ‘It’s my 50th’ badge. I don’t know why it works but it’s like some sort of magnet where she ends up with ten different mobile numbers by the end of the night. To be fair, it could be that they’re all obsessed with cougars and think, ‘Bah, she looks well for her age’. We’ve not done the maths to see whether if you wear a 60th badge you get more numbers, and I’ll leave that to one of you to experiment with.

  37 I’ve got a mate who was telling me that she was deep into stalking an ex, like in the photos of a friend’s sister, because she’d forgot herself and was interested in this girl she saw in the photos and what her life was like and her computer froze and she accidentally clicked the like button. That’s a nightmare, that is. How are you gonna explain what you were doing there? It’s like sometimes when you see someone’s Facebook status and they’ve just typed someone’s name in because they were looking for them. Awkward!

  38 Actually that sounds a little bit like some sort of air freshener, doesn’t it?

  39 A little tip for you as well. Make sure if you’re going to give the stripper money that you’ve got notes. Now is not the time to use up your change.

  40 Although if anyone from Mr Jones’s team is reading, I did feel like we got on very well, so if there are any spare tickets floating about, I’d love to go.

  41 I would just like to point out that taking photos of potential husbands is what I do when I’m not fussed about meeting a lad. Imagine what I’m like when I’m on it.

  42 Although for any young people out there, that is not the correct way to operate a wrecking ball. She is not a good demolition role model.

  43 To any One Direction fans who are on Twitter reading this, all that last bit was completely a joke. 1D are the best band in the world ever, obviously.

  44 I don’t know what that says about me, like.

  45 Tequila for breakfast is never a good option, despite what your friends say. A slice of lemon is not one of your five a day.

  Acknowledgements

  I’d like to thank so many people for the opportunity to write my own book! First of all, the gang at Studio Lambert: Stephen Lambert, the CEO; Tania Alexander, the director of Factual Entertainment and Queen of Gogglebox; Harriet Manby, the Gogglebox cast manager for keeping everything running smoothly; Gemma Scholes, the production manager, and all the lovely crew who make the whole thing so much fun. Huge thanks to all at Channel 4 who, every year, find new ways to do even more with the show, especially David Glover.

  I’d also like to thank all at LAW, especialy Julian Alexander for their work on making the book a reality. Thank you to Jordan Paramor for being such a great co-pilot.

  Thanks to the gang at Pan Macmillan for being such a good publisher; Jamie Coleman was always there with pizza, drinks a
nd suggestions for famous people I could be annoyed at.

  Special thanks to my family and friends; I’m so lucky to have you and I’m grateful every day.

  Scarlett Moffatt was born in Bishop Auckland. She is one of the stars of the BAFTA-winning hit Channel 4 show Gogglebox. In 2016 she was crowned Queen of the Jungle, winning I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here.

  List of Illustrations

  1. Upside down with me dad. I think I’ve probably spent my whole life trying to find something as fun as this.

  2. Chillaxing. I clearly haven’t learnt to sit forward on the sofa yet.

  3. Looking good. (Yes, I think those are knickers in the background.)

  4. In me checked dress, looking like butter wouldn’t melt.

  5. Hair up and ready to do a human sacrifice on my little cousin.

  6. Gogglebox Scarlett in topless shocker!

  7. Try telling me this hat isn’t awesome. You can’t. It is.

  8. With me mam. I’m sorry, I know you might think you’re the best dancer, but it’s actually me and I have the certificate to prove it.

  9. The brows, the brows!

  10. Double-strawing it.

  11. A selection of ‘strong looks’, including braids!

  12. Me touching some sort of squealing fish.

  13. Just about to go and do my old-fogie dancing.

  14. I loved that fur coat at the time. *sigh*

  15. Me with a bloody massive ring on me finger.

  16. Eighteen-years-old and shy and retiring.

  17. Strictly Scarlett.

  18. Freshers Week.

  19. The girls: (clockwise from top left) me, Sarah, Hannah, Billie, Sam and Kellie.

  20. I was so much more into the mouse ears than my sister, Ava.

  21. On the sofa for Gogglebox with me mam and dad.