by Heart,Skylar
Lola nods. “Yeah, they’ve always known.”
“Hunter knows, Tessa’s younger brother knows… Only I didn’t.” Anger surges through me, and I rip myself away from Lola. I was the only one who didn’t know that my own twin had nearly died.
“Lizzy…” Lola grabs my arm but I pull myself free again.
“No. Why did you never tell me?”
“We thought it would be bad to tell you when you were at the clinic. You needed to recover and this wouldn’t have been good. But when you finally got out… It felt weird. I wanted to leave it behind me. I didn’t want to talk about it. Mum and Dad wanted me to tell you, but I didn’t want to anymore by that time.”
“Excuses. You never wanted to tell me, so why should I listen now?” Why do people keep hiding things from me? Lying to me? I guess I’m back to being the ‘sick girl’ again, the one who can’t handle anything.
“I’m telling you now.” Lola stands in front of me, her face pained. “I’m telling you.”
“No. You’re not telling me what happened, you’re just telling me that something bad happened to you and you’ve been hiding it from me for years. Me. Your twin sister. You like to point that out to me. I’m your twin, twins share things. But apparently not everything.”
“Lizzy… please.” When I see her tears, mine won’t stop either. “I never meant to hide this from you.”
“And yet you did. I can’t do this. I—I think I’m going back to the clinic now.” There it’s safe, at least there I know what happens. There people at least don’t hide huge secrets from me.
A strong hand grabs my shoulder and I’m about to fight myself free, only to realize it’s Hunter.
“You’re leaving?”
I look at him, at his arm in the sling, the pained look on his face. He also knows what happened to Lola. He too.
“Yeah. I need to get back to the clinic.” I’m exhausted by now. Too many things went on.
Lola steps closer. “At least let me get you back to the clinic.”
“No.” I shake my head. “I don’t think that is a good idea. Not now.” Not now, not any time soon. I grab my bags and look at them. They both look so devastated that I’m leaving, but I just can’t deal with it. The secrets, the hiding, the ‘protecting’ me.
I walk down the hallway and even when I walk away, I hear Lola’s tears. Her pain. I want to turn around, but as she thought of me previously, now I need to think of myself. I need to figure out what I think about all this before I talk to her again. The knowledge that so many people have been hiding this secret from me, it rips a dark hole inside me. A black hole that is attempting to suck all the good things that have happened since into it.
“Lizzy.” Janine knocks on my door and I only groan.
It’s Sunday, they usually let me sleep in on a Sunday morning. So why is she waking me? “Yeah?”
“Can I come in?”
I pull the blanket up higher. “Sure. Come on in.”
Janine opens the door quietly and steps into my room. “How are you feeling? Sofia said that you were upset last night. I’m checking in on you.”
“I’m okay.” I didn’t do anything stupid or anything that would upset them.
Janine kneels in front of the bed, looking at me closely. “Did you cry?”
I shrug. I cried myself to sleep, and then I woke up from a nightmare. I dreamed that everybody was leaving me, everybody was lying to me. And then I cried myself back to sleep again. Something about dreams and reality mixing.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
I shake my head.
“Okay. Just know that you need to have breakfast in the next hour, yeah? It’s nine in the morning.” She stands up again, I can see the worry in her eyes, in the lines of her mouth. She’ll write it in my file—‘Lizzy cried, something upset her’—and then everyone from Rose to Dr Cole will check my every move for the next week…
“I’ll be up soon.” I sit up as Janine leaves the room again. Nine, so maybe I did get some sleep, even though I don’t feel like I have. I turn my phone on and check for messages. There are some from Lola and my parents, and then, at the end, also one from Hunter. I’m tempted to open it, but then I put the phone down again. I don’t need all of this right now. I need something quiet and simple. Even when that’s going to be difficult in a corridor with girls everywhere.
I lift myself out of bed and grab some other clothes to wear. Sweating and twisting and turning doesn’t make for comfortable clothes. As I get dressed, I run my fingers over all the spots where I used to harm myself. The inside of my thighs, the sides of my hips, my stomach, and finally my upper arms and my wrists. The scars are barely visible any more, just thin lines. It’s been years since I hurt myself last, even when the urge to do so surfaces regularly. No, correct that, I’ve not cut myself in a long time, but I’ve punished myself with food too. But that’s invisible, that is something people don’t see. So they ignore it until it’s too late.
I make my way to the main area and check the breakfast schedule for me. Croissants and orange juice. I frown. Right now, I’d really like to eat something that is simple and safe. This feels like a bad sign for the rest of my day… Ugh.
Luckily, breakfast is over quickly, and even though the nurses are keeping an eye on me, I can mostly ignore them. When I’m almost done, the head nurse, Laura, comes over and sits down next to me.
“Hi.”
“Hi.” I look at my plate, the tears suddenly close under the surface. I hate feeling off-balance.
“What are your plans for the day?”
“Art.” If all else fails, art. And, even with everything going on, I’m dying to try out my new supplies.
“Do you need someone to supervise?”
I shake my head. “I’m okay, just a bit upset. I’m not a danger to myself.”
“Are you sure?” I know she has to ask, but also has to use her own intuition. I’ve got a lot of freedom at the moment, so they can’t really stop me unless they think I’m a real danger to myself or others. I’m not, I’m really not.
“Yeah. I bought supplies yesterday and I really want to try them out.”
“Do you want to try them here, in your room, or in the art therapy room?”
I’ve bought paints and other things, so my room is not that good of an idea, plus the hallway will be busy all day today. “The art therapy room.”
“I’ll get someone to open the room for you. Is there anything else that you need? You know you can talk to people if you need to.”
“I know. Thanks.” I don’t feel like talking just yet. I need to express myself through art before I can use my words to express myself. That is how my brain works.
I clean my plate and put it away. I change into my painters’ clothes and then take my supplies to the art room. Inside, it’s empty. There isn’t anyone around and the quiet calms me down somewhat. I close the door behind me and pull down the screen on the door—no peeking in. I take out my new paints and grab some paper from the stacks. Then I cover the floor in cloth and start to arrange a couple of sheets of paper on it.
I sit down in the middle, my supplies all around me, and I start to paint in front of me—just colors, adding, mixing, creating nothing but more colors. Slowly I relax, the painting coming together in ways that I can’t see at first, but soon becomes clear. I lose myself in it. The creating, the calm of it all.
So when the door closes, after I’ve been painting for at least an hour or two, I startle. I look up, ready to glare at whoever disturbed me. But instead, I find Lola standing in the room, her hands behind her back, her eyes unsure.
She walks over, looking at the things I’m making. She doesn’t say anything, she just looks.
I’m not the first to talk. I’ve said everything I wanted to, everything I needed to. So instead, I hold out my brush and my paints.
Lola takes it, not paying attention to the paint that is all over my hands. She looks at the paper and paints a little in on
e of the corners. The colors match well with what is going on around it. She hands me back the supplies. We go back and forth like this a couple of times. Creating together, making things together. There is so much that we don’t say, but at least I’m no longer mad at her.
I look up as she sits back, her face pained, and she takes a couple of shuddering breaths, opening her mouth as if she wants to say something, but doesn’t. Then she meets my eyes. “I missed you so much. After everything I went through, I was so alone. Mum and Dad didn’t know what to do, or what to say. I didn’t have anyone else. And I couldn’t tell you, or I would have to explain what happened, how I—” Her voice gives out, sobs racking her.
I get up, quickly closing the distance between us, and wrap my arms around her. Holding her as close as I can. It hurts to know that she didn’t have anyone, even though I was right there. I was feeling exactly the same, and we just didn’t reach out to each other.
“I want to tell you everything, but I just can’t. There are parts I can’t talk about. Not without falling into a million little pieces. But I do want to tell you. I never meant to keep hiding this from you.” She wraps her arms around me and pulls me close too. We hold each other for a while, both in our own thoughts, and then Lola starts speaking again. “Tyler wasn’t wrong in that he said I nearly died. That was true. And H didn’t have anything to do with it. Not with that. But there were more people than just me, H and Tess. We had a fourth person in our group. Blaze. He… He was my boyfriend.”
“Boyfriend?” Wow. No wonder I never heard her talk about boys, if she is still hung up over some guy.
“Yes, boyfriend. You know, guys are interested in me.” She sounds offended and I look at her, confused.
“Of course they are, you’re beautiful. It’s me that no one is interested in.” I shrug. “You’ve always been beautiful, you’ve always been the best-looking of us. You’re smart, beautiful and kind. Any guy who doesn’t want you would be crazy.”
Lola’s mouth opens, like she wants to say something, but no sounds come out, and the look in her eyes keep changing between disbelief and… anger. I’m not sure why. It’s the truth. Everybody always loved her. She was the beautiful one, I was the thin one, the stick. The one nobody ever really wanted. There was only one thing I was ever good at—being thin.
“I wish it was that easy for me.” Lola sighs. “I wish I could see it as clearly as you do. I’ve always lived in your shadow.”
My shadow? What shadow? I don’t have anything but my illness. “There is no shadow.”
“There is. You were thin, I was chubby. You were always the more beautiful of us two, I was just awkward. I may have been smart or kind, but that isn’t what attracts guys, or the envy of other girls.” She tries to smile, and then she reaches up. “Is that why you got ill? Trying to stay thin?”
“I wish it was that easy. Even years of talking to psychs and other talk-people, the only conclusion I’ve ever come to is that I loved being the ‘thin one’. You had the smarts, the kindness, the beauty, I had ‘thin’. And I guess I got lost in it.” Tears start dripping down Lola’s cheeks and I reach out, wiping them away. “Don’t cry. There is nothing to cry about. An eating disorder requires more than just having a desire to stay thin. To get where I am, you need a certain amount of obsession in you. I apparently had it. And I’ve learned to have peace with that a long time ago.”
“But how? I guess we were both jealous of the other.” She looks at the painting I’ve made, her head to the side as she breathes quietly for a while. Of course I was jealous, she was hard to live up to. But maybe it wasn’t as easy for her either. “I guess that is why I didn’t dare to talk to you. After I had fallen ill—I guess that is the best way to describe it—after that happened, Blaze dumped me. I was so alone after that. We had been together for quite a while back then, I even spent a summer at their place, the last summer before graduation.”
I nod. I remember her being gone for most of the summer. I didn’t mind, I liked being alone, and I was already used to Lola being gone most of the time, so her not being at home didn’t do much to me at that point.
“So when I fell ill… At first he said he’d be there for me, but he couldn’t deal. He stepped out, and didn’t come back. He refused to talk to me after that. I had no one at that point. H was so wrapped up in his younger brother’s illness and Tessa too. And they just didn’t know how to deal with what I went through. Which is normal, but still… it hurt.” She looks up at me. “You were sick. I was so worried about you. I was so scared to lose you. I guess I tried to protect myself by not telling you. If I didn’t tell you, I wouldn’t have to deal with what happened. And in the end… I hurt us both.”
“I’m so sorry.” I can’t believe what kind of asshole would just dump a girl when she’s at her worst. Actually, I can totally believe it. Dennis was like that too. He was fine, as long as I was doing fine. But as soon as I fell ill… He was gone. Back then, Lola was there for me… but now I need to be there for her. I keep holding her. There is so much that we don’t know about each other. We’ve grown apart for years now, and it scares me how little I actually know about her.
“I guess we both are.” She looks at me. “We need to start being better towards each other. We need to stop doing everything on our own.”
I nod. Yeah, that would be a good idea. Which reminds me… “How is Hunter?”
“He was kind of annoyed when you left, but mostly worried. He cares about you.” She frowns.
“And you don’t like that?”
“No, not precisely.” She sighs. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but he’s not the guy for you. I’ve known him for years. He’s dangerous. He gets into trouble, lots of trouble. I don’t want you to get hurt. Tess could deal with him, she was just as crazy as him. But I don’t see you like that.”
“Like what?” Sure, I’ve seen the results of him getting in trouble, but apart from that one outburst… he’s always been good around me.
“Getting into fights. Actually going out and looking for fights. Getting picked up by the cops for drunk driving. Skipping every other class… They were… trouble. They’ve been kicked out of classes more often than not. I don’t even know how they stayed in school. Maybe they were just too stubborn to leave.”
“If you dislike them so much, why were you friends?” It’s like I’m not allowed to make choices for myself now, again.
“Because when they weren’t getting into trouble, they were good people. But them together…” She sighs. “H was really good on his own. He understood what it was to have a sibling who was sick. But I don’t even know if that person is still there. He may have lost that at the same time as Tess.”
“And that means that I shouldn’t date him?”
“Yeah. I don’t want to see you hurt.”
I can’t help but give a little smile. “That is the one thing he told me, at the start of the year. ‘I’m not scary or dangerous.’ I didn’t believe him, but he’s been proved to be right, at least when it comes to me.” It’s hard, on the one hand, it’s easy to see why Lola is scared for me, at the same time, this is Hunter, the guy who has been nothing but kind, respectful and loving towards me. Maybe the first guy ever. And to see that Lola disapproves… that hurts.
Chapter 26
Hunter
I keep my arm close as I pour some coffee. Today is not a good day. Apart from it being only a couple of days since Tyler stabbed me, there is something that makes me want to curl up and ignore that today even exists. It’s the one year anniversary of Tessa’s death. This morning, when I woke up, I could just feel it. My body wouldn’t work and there is so much pain and darkness inside me, I don’t even need a calendar to tell me what today is. Will I ever not know that this happened? Will I ever stop feeling this darkness?
I’m supposed to have classes today, but I’m not going. There is no reason for me to go, not when I’m like this.
I take my coffee up the stairs to the workshop. I’ve
cleaned it up since I made such a mess here. Most things are back in their proper place and I’ve replaced the glass on some of the photos and art. But, while most of the walls are still about Tessa, more and more is about Lizzy. Art about her is slowly taking over the space in the room. I may not have planned it this way, but slowly, from the first drawings and the dress, she has taken over more space in here… But today, I put it out of my head. Today is about me, me and Tessa.
I’m about to start a new drawing, the book precariously balancing in my lap, as the bell rings. I frown, I didn’t invite anyone over and there is definitely no reason for people to just ring my bell. It rings again and I get up. I push the receiver. “Yes?”
“Hunter?” A woman’s voice comes through the speaker. It’s as if someone reaches inside me and squeezes, it hurts so much to hear the voice. “Hunter?” Tessa’s mother asks again. “Can we come in?”
“Yeah. Sure.” I push the button to let her in the main door, even though I’ve got no idea why I do so. What is Tessa’s mother doing here? Then I open the door and wait.
The footsteps coming up the stairs seem loud, but there are no voices. There is no reason to talk, there seems to be no reason for any sound at all. I wanted to be alone today, alone with my memories, alone with the silence, the emptiness. Then two people appear at the bottom of the stairs, both looking so much like the girl I lost. Tessa got her beauty, her fierceness, from her mother, while she got her smile and her hair color from her father.
We all look at each other for a moment, and then they come up the last set of stairs. I nod at them and step back into the apartment. They follow me.
It’s unreal to see them here. They’ve never seen this place before. I had only just signed the contract when Tessa got into the accident, and after that, I ignored that this place even existed for a long time.
