by Heart,Skylar
“This is a nice studio.” Tessa’s mum’s voice is quiet. “She would have liked it.”
“She did.” Tessa loved this place, big, spacious, without being too big. It would have been exactly right for the two of us. She was the one who told me to sign the contract as soon as she saw the place.
We’re silent again. What do we have to say to each other?
“Would you like something to drink?” I can at least be a good host.
“I’d love to. What do you have?” Tessa’s mum seems to be glad about the change of topic.
“Coffee, tea, soft drinks.”
“Coffee, please.” She nods. No surprise there.
“Me too. But I’ll get it.” Tessa’s dad walks past me, looking in the cupboards for cups, and then he pours two, one for him and one for his wife. Yeah, it’s not like I can play the perfect host with just the one arm. “Do you want some too?”
“I’ve got some upstairs. Please, sit anywhere. I’m just grabbing my cup.” I walk up the stairs as I hear them walk around downstairs. I close the notebook I was about to draw in and then grab my cup. I swallow hard. I’m not sure I can do this. So much has happened since the last time I saw them.
I didn’t even attend the funeral… There is no way to excuse that. There is no excuse for the way I acted last year.
I nearly stumble as I step down the stairs and let out a hiss as I catch myself with my bad arm.
Tessa’s mum is at the bottom of the stairs immediately. “Are you okay?” The look in her eyes… that is not the look of anger, not the look that Tyler gave me. Instead, it’s one of worry, of sorrow. Then her eyes fall on the drawing behind me, the huge drawing of Tessa that I made the last summer we were together. Her eyes grow big and her hand goes up to her chest as if it hurts. Then she averts her eyes and steps away.
Yeah… If there was one fault with Tyler’s assumptions, it was that I moved on. How do you move on after Tessa? But even as I think it, I look back, at the growing corner of art of Lizzy… I don’t know if this is moving on, or something else…
“Hunter.” Tessa’s dad calls out for me.
“I’m sorry. Coming.” I make my way down the stairs and walk to the dining table, where Tessa’s parents have put a box in the middle of the table. No, actually, two boxes. One battered shoe box, and one that I can’t place at the moment—it’s white, but that’s all it is. I sit down at the table as Tessa’s parents sit opposite me.
“We want to apologize,” Tessa’s dad starts. “For Tyler’s actions and… for shutting you out after the accident.”
What? “It’s okay. I wasn’t in the best head space either. There is no reason to apologize. I didn’t even…” My breath hitches. After the accident, I shut everyone out. I pushed everyone away. There was no way to reason with me. And I still regret it. But how could I? How could I act like the good boyfriend when it was all my fault? If not for me, she wouldn’t have sped or even been on that road.
“Would you listen to me?” Tessa’s mum puts her hand on my arm.
I nod. What else can I do? This is the least I owe them.
“We don’t blame you. This was an accident.”
I open my mouth, but she sternly shakes her head, so I close it again.
“You were both… reckless. You kept pushing boundaries, boundaries that shouldn’t be pushed. And after Joey’s death… There was a change in you both. You became more reckless, like life didn’t matter anymore.” She closes her eyes and Tessa’s dad gives her a tissue. She dabs at her eyes and looks back up at me. “There was something dangerous growing. This was never going to be right. In the end, we didn’t even recognize you anymore.” She wrings the tissue in her hands. “Tessa had always been pushing boundaries, she was always dangerous. We were always surprised when she lived another year. There was something volatile about her, something we were never able to contain. But you… You were the sensible one. You were able to calm her down, she became manageable. She went to classes, she showed up when she said she would, and she kept out of too much trouble. You were the reason for that. She adored you, she loved you. She did everything for you. But when you graduated… and Joey got really bad after that…” She squeezes my arm. “It almost seemed like instead of you calming her down, she influenced you. Every time you two went out to have fun, we’d be worried to death. I can’t count the number of times I’d stay up just to text her in the morning and make sure she was still alive.”
I can’t look at them any more, the pain only getting worse. Tamara told me the same thing. That she feared for my life every time Tessa and I went out. That she still does. That it will only be a matter of time until I end up in really big trouble, jail, or death. “I’m sorry.” I guess I never realized how many people we scared.
“Don’t apologize. We should be the ones to apologize. We should have done something, but we didn’t know what. And now Tyler went and stabbed you. It seems that our kids just can’t leave you alone.” Tessa’s dad pulls the shoe box closer and opens it. The box is full of little things Tessa and I shared. Pictures, art, small gifts. All memories of us.
Tears start to form and the darkness in me changes, the edges thinning, instead a raw pain taking its spot.
“We want you to have this. It’s not much, but it’s what we could save from Tyler’s destruction. It won’t make everything better, but we hope that at least it will heal some of the pain. She loved you, with all she had. Even if that was messed up sometimes.” His voice wavers at the end. There is so much I want to know, about Tessa, about Tyler, about how they’ve been since the accident. But now… a heavy pain has been lifted.
“Please, don’t blame yourself anymore.” Tessa’s mother stands up and comes over to me. She wraps her arms around me, pulling me close.
I stand up, wrapping my arms around her too. She smells so familiar, just as Tessa always had. A second set of arms surround us, Tessa’s dad. For the first time, I’m calm, the pain is still there, it’s still raw. My body shakes, the tension, the guilt, the anger, it’s all leaving me. For the first time, I’m no longer bound by Tessa’s death. All that anger that I kept inside, at myself, at the world, at everyone, it’s finally leaving, and it feels… freeing. For the first time, I’m free, and it’s scary.
“We would like you to come to the grave with us.” Tessa’s dad picks up the white box. “I know you’ve not been there yet.”
I nod. “I tried, but… I couldn’t.” There were so many reasons why I couldn’t face her again.
“That’s why we’d like you to come with us. There is no reason to avoid her anymore, she won’t blame you either. None of us do.” Tessa’s mum puts her jacket back on.
“Tyler does.” He’s always been the one who was most against Tessa and me dating in the first place.
“He adored his big sister, she was like a star to him. He didn’t take it well. But he won’t be there today.” Tessa’s dad looks up.
He won’t? They look at me like I should understand why.
“They picked him up the day after he stabbed you, and he’s been locked up since. They found him to be too dangerous to be released on bail. He tried to stab a cop when they came to get him.” I see the pain pass over his face, and then mirrored on Tessa’s mum’s face.
I knew they had gotten him, but I guess I was too wrapped up into my own things to pay too much attention to it all. Which is stupid. Because I’m totally involved in all this. “I’m sorry.”
“It was bound to happen. I just hope that he’ll accept some help after all this. He’s been off the rails for a while now.” Tessa’s dad shrugs.
I can’t imagine how it must be for parents to have two kids who just can’t stay out of trouble, who seem to just have a little insanity inside them. To constantly live at the edge of fear, to constantly be scared of something happening to their children. It almost seems like they’re used to it now. It’s scary how normal it is for them.
“Shall we go?” Tessa’s mum walks to the door.
I t
ake a step, but then stop. “Give me a moment, okay?” I go up the stairs to the workshop. I reach behind the books and take the box with the ring in it. I was going to propose to her—a year ago today, I was supposed to propose. I open the little box and look at the ring. I should do something with it, about it. Then my eye falls on the leather bracelet that I save on a shelf above it. We used to wear one each. We bought it right when we got together and I only took it off a couple of months ago, when I decided that I needed to move on in life, when I decided that the past was in the past. I was silly and naive to think that it would work… I take one last look at the beautiful ring in the box and close it before I put it back in its hiding spot. I take the bracelet and stuff it into my pocket. I don’t have any good memories of the ring, but the bracelet… I have many memories with it. Truth is, Tessa is buried with hers. I know, because that was my only request, the only thing I wanted to be sure of.
I take a deep breath and go down the stairs again, looking at Tessa’s parents. “I’m ready.” I’m ready to face my biggest fear: Tessa’s grave.
We take their car to the cemetery and when we get there, it’s empty and quiet. The sky is dark, as it was a year ago, and I can almost feel the rain on the air. There’s another heavy night coming, I can just feel it.
I stand at the gate to the cemetery and look inside, the force that normally keeps me out now slowly thinning as I push all the guilt from my mind. I deserve to be here. I loved her. She was part of my life for such a long time.
I belong here.
I reach out, as if I’m pushing through the force field, and it finally gives, shattering under my hands, under my feelings. Then I step forward and I’m in the cemetery, my breath hitching and coming out like a shudder. Tessa’s mum’s hand on my back gives me the strength to keep going and we slowly walk onto the terrain, the rows and rows of graves surrounding us. I know where the grave is, I’ve seen it many times from outside the gate. Even on the day of the funeral, I saw it all from out there. I just couldn’t come in. There were too many conflicting feelings and Tyler had made it very clear that his sister’s murderer wasn’t welcome.
We reach the grave. There is already a fresh bouquet of flowers and some other things. And seeing her picture on the grave, her huge smile, it starts the tears all over again. There are so many things I wish we could have done together, so many things that we’ll never be able to do. She’s gone, forever.
I let myself slide to the ground, the weight of her loss suddenly so strong and tangible. I can only stare at the grave, the tears never stopping, never letting up. I’m not sure if I’ll ever have the power to stand up again. I’m here and she isn’t. I fumble around in my pocket and pull out the leather bracelet. I carefully place it on top of the grave, almost too careful to disturb it. The darkness, the insanity, it claws at the edges of my mind, my body growing cold. I reach out, almost picking it back up again. But I know that I need to let it go. I need to let her go. I loved her, I loved her as much as I could, and my love killed her. No matter what her parents think, I am to blame for this. I’m still here, and she isn’t. Why am I even trying? Everybody I love dies… Even Lizzy got worse after we met, even Lizzy is dying because of me.
There is a commotion behind me and then two skinny arms surround me, sharing the pain, taking some of it away and instead filling the place in my heart with light. The darkness slowly recedes, pulling me back into the world of the living. I cover the hands with mine, the matching paint speckles taking away another piece of darkness. I lean back, and Lizzy’s small frame is surprisingly strong as she holds me. “What are you doing here?” The whisper is rough and I don’t think she’d have heard me if she wasn’t this close.
“I had to save you.” Her words breathe life into me and I’m finally able to move.
“Save me?” I’m not sure who of us needs to be saved more. I turn to her, wrapping an arm around her back, hiding my face in her neck. She smells so good, she feels so good in my arms. At the same time… This is so wrong. I’m wrong for her. It’s wrong for me to hold her like this at Tessa’s grave.
“Yes. Save you from the darkness.” She strokes my face with her skinny fingers, fingers that make magic happen. Then she puts her lips to my forehead and we breathe together.
It takes a while longer before I become aware of our surroundings again, of Tessa’s parents behind us, talking with Lola. I take Lizzy’s hand and we stand up.
Everyone’s eyes are on me, on what I’ll do, how I’ll behave, how I’ll act. I know they expect danger, I know they expect me to go insane, but I don’t. “I feel like I should say something important, something profound. But I can only come up with ‘thank you’.” It’s weird to see the worlds that I’ve kept separate for so long, combined right here. Tessa’s parents and Lola, my past, and Lizzy, my present.
Tessa’s parents’ eyes fall on Lizzy, on our hands, still holding on strong. I want to let her go, but she won’t let me, instead facing Tessa’s parents head on.
Tessa’s mum lets out a regretful smile, but then steps closer and wraps her arms around Lizzy. “Thank you for taking care of him. It’s good to know that he’s not alone anymore.”
My mouth drops open. This, this I did not expect. I expected all sorts of things, but never this. How can they be so calm about all this? How can they just accept Lizzy?
Lizzy eyes me, also unsure. She was ready for a fight, and instead she got a hug. She wraps her arms around Tessa’s mum, holding her too.
This is strange and I’m not sure how to react to this all. We’re all still, looking at each other, looking away from each other, awkward.
Tessa’s dad saves the day as he steps forward and holds out the white box. He opens it and reveals cookies. I can’t help but smile—they’re snickerdoodles, Tessa’s favorites. “I thought that cake wasn’t a good idea, but this is still an anniversary, even if a sad one. So I thought that this would be a better idea. Tessa loved these, she used to sneak whole packets of them into her room.”
“I remember. There were always empty boxes under her bed.” I smile, the memories bittersweet. Tessa had such a sweet tooth.
Tessa’s dad hold out the box to Lola, who takes a cookie, then me, then Tessa’s mum and finally Lizzy.
I hold my breath, ready for Lizzy to turn the offer down, but she carefully takes a cookie, a rueful smile on her face.
“I loved these too.” She takes a nibble and closes her eyes as she enjoys the taste, savors it in a way I’ve never seen her do before. I realize that I’ve never seen her enjoy food.
I can’t move, I can’t keep my eyes off of her and I’m fighting to keep tears at bay. Tears of… pride? Surprise?
Lizzy opens her eyes and looks at me, a frown forming on her beautiful features. “What?”
“Nothing.” I can’t suppress my grin, the way that my heart just got a little lighter. I stuff the cookie into my mouth to hide it all.
Today was supposed to be about Tessa and me. But it has become so much more, and for the first time, it doesn’t all seem so dark any more. For the first time, maybe the future isn’t that bad at all.
“You sure you can’t come with me?” I’m about to return home. The rain that I expected has started to fall. Tessa’s parents left as soon as the first drops hit the ground, but Lizzy, Lola and I have been standing under a tree waiting for the worst to be over. It felt surprisingly good, combining old and new together—it felt freeing. Not hiding anything any more.
“I need to return to the clinic. If I go into the city now, I won’t be back on time for dinner.” Lizzy shrugs, then she straightens her back, as if conjuring up strength from deep inside her. “You can come to the clinic with us, if you want to. They don’t mind feeding another person.” She colors darkly and I’m quiet for a moment, surprised by the offer. It seems that everyone is taking chances today. Her face falls. “Bad idea?”
I shake my head. “No, I’m just surprised. I never thought that… I don’t even know what I thought.
” I reach out, touching her cheek. “I’d love to come. Thank you.” Today really is full of surprises. And I think they may be good ones. If Lizzy hadn’t shown up just now, I don’t know what would have happened. The guilt might have lessened, but the darkness of Tessa’s loss was still strong, but Lizzy made that go away, or at least bearable. She took some of the pain away and now I can breathe again. And for the first time, I don’t want to be alone. I don’t want to hide from the world.
We walk to Lola’s car. I somehow expected them to have come by bus. I don’t know why I’m surprised by this. I guess because it means that they planned this instead of it just being a random occurrence. I get into the back seat as the Benton twins sit up front.
“Why were you here?” The words spill from me, even before I meant to ask them.
Lola looks at me through the rear view mirror. “I wanted to pay my respects to Tessa, and I guess I wanted for Lizzy to see who she was too. The girl I was friends with, the girl you loved.”
I eye Lizzy, who looks uncomfortable. “What’s wrong?”
“I guess I wanted to see who the girl was who kept you bound to her. My competition.” She lets out a sound as she quickly looks away from me, covering her mouth with her hands, glaring out the window. Not meeting my eyes.
Something inside me changes. Lizzy’s competition? Was there ever a competition? I don’t know. I don’t think I’ve ever thought of Tessa and Lizzy in the same way. Both are so different and my feelings for them too. I keep silent because I’m not sure that anything I can say will be right. What can I say when I don’t even know the answer?
Are Tessa and Lizzy in competition?
Chapter 27
Lizzy
The drive back to the clinic is awkward. I shouldn’t have said that about Tessa and me being in competition. That was stupid, especially today, especially after we were just at Tessa’s grave. Of course we’re not in competition. Tessa is the one he loves, I’m just a girl he has classes with.
