A Place for Cliff

by Talon p. s.

  On the last page Pyotr’s name was already handsomely written in acceptance.

  And then Judge Georgia bent over and added her own. “Kimmi Patterson I know declare you by the State of New York’s justice system the daughter of Pyotr Laszkovi.”

  Kimmi let out a high pitched squeal and was instantly climbing over the table and spilled into her new adopted father’s arms.

  ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

  Cliff bee-lined it for Pyotr’s office without even a word.

  And Pyotr didn’t need to ask why. It was part of their relationship, part of their understanding. When Cliff needed to talk he liked doing it in the office. A definition of the act for Pyotr it also seemed to help because when they left the room it was the switch for Pyotr to stop fussing over his lover like a doctor and just be his lover. The unspoken habit worked well for both of them.

  Pyotr moved over to his desk and dropped down, stretching his long legs out and waited. Another habit was that his lover seemed to tour the room for a few minutes asking questions, Sometime relevant, sometimes not… a warm up to what he really wanted to say.

  He watched as he began reading some of the titles of the books on one shelf, his head tilting sideways. He pulled one out but just stared at it in his hands, not ever opening it up. But Pyotr knew which one he had pulled: The Demedicalization of Self-Injury: From Psychopathology to Sociological Deviance by Adler and Adler. The subject of non suicidal self injury was a phantom medical condition but he knew first hand treating his baby brother’s lovers, Isaac and Isaiah just how realistic and dangerous the condition was and yet so few publication on the matter.

  Cliff slid the hard bound book back into place and glanced over his shoulder to Pyotr who waited patiently, always content to just watch him, “So have you always been Isaiah’s psychiatrist?”

  Pyotr nodded. “Ever since we discovered his condition. Which developed while they were in college.”

  “There’s no hope for him is there? I mean of him getting better.”

  Pyotr’s hands dropped to his lap, folding together as he spoke, “He has his hope right now. Someone who loves him and understands the implications of his illness enough to know how to not only control it, but feed it when the addiction must be fed in order to keep the need contained and manageable. I’d say that is the best care he could hope for.”

  “But that’s not a cure.”

  “Perhaps—but I feel that often we put too much emphasis on finding a cure that we over look the benefit of just finding a means to manage our illnesses enabling ourselves to have a fulfilling life.”

  Cliff shuffled over to the window and peeked out the curtain, looking out without seeing, listening as Pyotr spoke. He closed his eyes a moment his mind finally coming to the topic he’d come to talk over. “You mean like me letting Kimmi have a boy friend.”

  “I wasn’t implying anything, but since you bring it up. Her illness is under control right now. She is doing well. Why not let her have an experience for herself. She’s a young woman now. Let her explore some part of the world as such. Its time.”

  “And that’s what you think I should do?”

  “Cliff I do not deny my feelings for you or those I have being a part of your family, but the choices you have to make for your sister are yours and yours alone. I will listen if you need to talk, give advice if you ask of it and I will support you no matter what decision you make, but the decision is yours not mine.”

  Cliff let the curtain drop closed and rolled against the wall never bringing his weight from it as he turned so he could look at Pyotr. “Did you help Katianna after the kidnapping thing?”

  Pyotr rocked back further in his chair. “I did not. I do tend to two others that were rescued from that incident, but not her. Trenton hasn’t allow anyone anywhere near her since that night. Save that evening we met with them.” Pyotr pivoted once or twice in his desk chair, then rocked back again, “Now let me ask you something.”

  Cliff’s eyes shifted to him, but he kept to holding up the wall.

  “What answers are you looking for Cliff?” All these questions—they were irrelevant yet they hovered around something attempting to fish out answers for a question he’d yet ask. A bush beating tactic Cliff was too good at doing, to the point he often evaded himself if allowed to go on for too long. So it was up to Pyotr to prod him to zero in and be out with it.

  “I just—” Cliff’s eyes wandered, which told Pyotr his mind was wandering with it, but he waited, he knew Cliff would return to him—to the moment. “I just thought that if perhaps someone like Dominus could let someone else make a choice then maybe I could too.”

  “This is not the first time you have tried to put yourself in Trenton Leos’ shoes. Do you relate yourself to Dominus Leos?”

  Cliff was instantly looking at him with a near snap of his expression. “No.” he took a deep breath letting it out through his nostrils this time. “I’ve just always been in charge of Kimmi.” He huffed. “I don’t even let the doctors have the final say.”

  Pyotr smiled, “Come here.”

  Cliff kicked off from the wall and circled around the desk to his lover who sat up in his chair spreading his legs for Cliff to kneel between them and he did so willingly. It was as welcoming as a hug. And he dropped his head down over Pyotr’s thigh.

  Pyotr stroked the mop of blonde hair. Such a strange fondness that he should be developing—enjoying petting his pet.

  “So what if I asked you to make the choice for me?” Cliff asked without looking up. “What if I gave that up?”

  Again Pyotr smiled, but he shook his head refusing the surrender of power. Cliff may have verbally offered, but because he refused to look at him when Cliff said it meant he could never actually go through with it. Just wished he didn’t. “No matter what choice I made, you would inevitably find something upsetting about it and it would come between us. And I would come between you and Kimmi. You may surrender all things about you over to me and I will lovingly care for you and your needs, but Kimmi must remain forever under your command. To do otherwise would offend you.”

  “She’s too young to have sex.” Cliff muttered suddenly, his brow furrowing.

  He choked back his chuckle then, recalling he’d struggled himself when the twins had grown up and began to explore their sexuality. Even from his own perspective he viewed them with different rules then the boys and had been far more sheltering of his baby sisters. “Perhaps you are looking at this too hurriedly.” He offered an important evaluation to the discussion.

  Cliff finally looked up, “What do you mean?”

  “I mean let’s only consider her going on a date. Just a dinner date—it could even be a chaperoned date. No one said she had to have sex.”

  Cliff’s face returned to the scowl he’s had on a few minutes ago. “But it will lead to it eventually.”

  This time Pyotr couldn’t keep the slight chuckle back, his draga was too damn cute to allow it. “Yes eventually it might, but why worry over it now?”

  ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

  Kimmi came out of the back in a rush, Cliff was already on his feet to follow her out, but he saw the fright in her eyes and the rush in her step, she practically brushed past him catching his arm in her hands and was instantly tugging him to follow her, “Come on Cliff. It’s time to go.”

  Cliff saw something was wrong; she tried to hide it and tugged even harder on his arms when he didn’t budge. “Come on lets go. I want to go please.” Cliff’s attention went back towards the hallway where she’d come from and saw Dr. Lee coming toward him. He had on the same not so good news look on his face as Kimmi who was trying to hide hers. Cliff wrangled his arm out of her hands, brushing off her attempts to grab him again and stepped for the doctor who was already shaking his head as they met.

  “It's not looking good this time Cliff.” Dr. Lee again shook his head.

  “What do you mean not looking good?
”

  “It's so spread out, we can’t consider surgery.”

  “What do you mean spread out?” Cliff’s voice rising, “She was in here just four weeks ago, if it’s that bad why just now?!” he was almost yelling now. “Why didn’t you tell us then?”

  “The test results were incomplete at the time, Cliff.”

  “But you would have seen something! You would have known!”

  The doctor shook his head, “It's growing at a considerably faster rate than what we’re used to. I don’t even know if we can stop it this time.”

  Cliff froze in his place. No words, no thoughts, but he was sure it would come when it all sank in. Kimmi was tugging hard on is arm now, her entire body leaning out to get him to leave the clinic with her, “Please let’s just go. We can deal with it later.”

  “I’m afraid she doesn’t have that kind of time Cliff. We need to start her on heavy chemo right away. I’ve gone ahead and scheduled her to start day after tomorrow.” He paused a moment. “You’ll have to start on the protein-rich diet so we can pull bone marrow from you again.” Lee studied the young man’s face. Rigid and tight like a tension coil that was bound to snap any second, but at this very moment he wasn’t even fazed by his sister’s attempts to lead him away. Kimmi had always somehow been a ray of hope not only for her own conditions but for others too. He’d been treating Kimmi since she was twelve when he took Dr. Karenth’s place here at the CTC. If any patient of his—and as far as he was concerned they all deserved one, but these two certainly deserved a break. Just not the kind he feared was coming too quickly. “I’m sorry Cliff.”

  Cliff twisted his arm once again breaking out of Kimmi’s relentless tugging, grabbed her and pulled her into him. His arms wrapping around her with a tight squeeze. He buried her head against his chest and laid his head over the top of her’s. He was angry and numb at the same time. It wasn’t fair—wasn’t fair at all. And he could feel the deep pool of pain threatening to consume him. Right now he fed the anger.

  “Would you like me to call one of the volunteers to give you a ride home?” Dr. Lee offered behind him.

  “No.” Cliff didn’t move, but chewed at his lips a moment. “I think I’m gonna need the walk.” He murmured into the top of Kimmi’s toboggan.

  “Keep her wrapped up tight then. She can’t afford to get sick at this point.” He watched feeling a deep rotting pit of emotions inside him. The ray of hope that often followed the girl like an aura wasn’t there this time.

  Cliff marched, or rather barreled forward, through people and doors til they reached the outside when the cold October air hit them. It still wasn’t enough to cool the raging heat he felt inside him. His arms locked around his sister’s shoulder clutching her so tight and close he knew it was making it hard on her to walk normal, but he couldn’t bring himself to let go. He’d never let go of her.

  His phone was ringing by the time they’d traveled four blocks. He didn’t want to look. Didn’t want to answer. No doubt Diesel spoke with Dr. Lee. So it was either him calling or mostly likely Diesel called Pyotr. He wouldn’t even look at his phone. That meant talking and the explosion of emotions bottled up in right now would pop. He wasn’t ready to pop, wasn’t ready to have Pyotr take it away from him. Without his anger he wasn’t sure he could survive this again. Watching his baby sis wither away with the endless highway of tubes pumping drugs and toxins into her system to kill what tried time and time again to kill her. His arm tightened around her again but not a whimper came from her. Even when his phone rang again tucked away in his coat pocket, she didn’t withdraw from him or protests his strangling hold.

  Pyotr thumbed his phone closed when, for the fifth time, Cliff didn’t answer. It wasn’t like his lover to not answer him, even on his shifts at work Cliff always managed to take a moment to respond by text at least. But that wasn’t where his lover was. And Diesel had already called with the news from Kimmi’s doctor. Pyotr felt Cliff’s ragging emotions the instant Diesel told him Kimmi’s leukemia had surfaced again. But where the two had disappeared to was his concern at the moment, and finding Cliff before he went into a total melt down. He grabbed his coat and headed out of his office letting Mary at the front desk know he had a family emergency and have his patients reschedule.

  Pyotr took off across town toward the Cambridge Hospital only to be told they had taken off on foot. Driving down street after street he called again but still no answer. Pyotr sat at the red light staring down the street, trying to keep his own emotions inline. Where had they gone? He scrubbed over his face fretting over his lover and the turmoil he must be going through. A car horn behind him rudely brought him back to the present and to the green light staring back at him. Ignoring both, opening his phone and did what he promised never to do. He intervened and called Kimmi.

  The phone rang several times until a bright cheery voice answered with automation. ‘Hi this is Kimmi Patterson. Sorry I missed the chance to chat so leave a message so I can hit cha back.’

  “Kimmi, please tell me where I can find you.” and he hung up. A cacophony of blasting blaring horns rioted up behind him so he stomped the gas and took off. Turning the car towards home he made his way along the streets of Manhattan, eyes scanning for Cliff and Kimmi.

  He was about to take the ramp back over to long island when his phone beeped with a text message. It was Kimmi.

  ‘Near the Boat house.’

  He quickly cut the wheel and kept heading down FDR drive and felt the weight lift from his chest when he spotted them heading across Malcomb Bridge. Kimmi tucked snuggling under her brother’s arm. He passed them and parked in the parking lot of the park. The very same place he caught up with Cliff after the two had come out to see him rowing. It was the night they made love for the first time.

  There was some reason Cliff needed to come full circle, but even with all his knowledge he wasn’t sure what had led his lover to come to this spot. It wasn’t along the way home.

  He stood at the edge of the park waiting as Cliff and Kimmi approached, Cliff’s face growing tense with every step that brought him closer. The strings he knew would have to come undone at some point were about to snap.

  Cliff reached the edge and stopped abruptly just staring at him. His jaw clenched, tightening his brow furrowed with pain barely contained.

  “Cliff?”

  “No!” he suddenly shouted, “I don’t want to be consoled. I don’t want to be told we’ll get through this! Don’t do what they do.”

  “What is it they do Cliff?”

  “Tell me it’s going to be okay. That’s what they do.” He shook his head hard, “Don’t tell me that, because it’s not going to be.”

  “I won’t. I just want you to know I’m here for you. I’m here for you both.”

  Cliff sucked in a breath as if he intended to say something but the act nearly cost him his control and his mouth clamp shut. His eyes went to the sky. A winter sky as grey and forlorn as his eyes. They’d always been that way til recently. What worried Pyotr most was Kimmi’s for the first time matched her brother’s. Neither of the two was expecting this round to end well.

  Tears pooled in his lover’s eyes but he wiped them away with the back of his coat sleeve before they could fall. “I can’t do this Pyotr.” He nearly pleaded for the escape.

  “Then we do it together.” Pyotr took a step back and to the side, a gesture to open the path for his lover to follow and he did. He knew Cliff needed to expel some energy, walking him through the park would help with it, but they didn’t make it far when Cliff stopped at one of the pavilions and decided to take his rage out on a picnic table, while Kimmi wandered off toward the water.

  Kimmi sat on the sea wall watching her brother rage back and forth pacing while Pyotr tried to console him. She couldn’t stop the tears which made the cold winter air much worse and her sniffling nose didn’t help either. She was on that cusp of self pity but what was worse was that she had ruined her brother’s life. Not on purpose, bu
t that didn’t change the fact Cliff had given up nearly everything to take care of her. It was only of some comfort that he enjoyed being a paramedic now. And then they found Pyotr. Pyotr was wonderful, but she couldn’t help, but worry that her latest diagnosis might hinder that too.

  She glanced down at the water as it raced by. There was a loud clatter of noise and she snapped around to see one of the park trash cans go flying across the lawn. Cliff was bolting after it to give it another good kick. He liked kicking and throwing when he needed to get the anger out. Pyotr watching over him like a guardian angel.

  She jumped off the wall and walked along for a moment taking an occasional glance over her shoulder. Pyotr had her brother tightly wrapped in his arms now, bringing the physical rage to a halt for the moment. She turned and went down the steps to the boat launch for the kayakers. She held steady to the rail careful not to slip on the icy ramp. She paused glancing back over her shoulder. They were sitting down. Pyotr finally had Cliff talking rather than screaming. She turned back to the water that swirled around ready to whisk her away, just like a kayak or a canoe.

  Still holding the rail she stared into the clear water to the silt bottom and slowly without thought kicked off her boots and stepped in. The icy cold water caught her breath and she gasped several times feeling the frigid bite in her feet. She took another step until both feet were side by side in the river’s edge. She stared down at them, pale flushed tone feet and neon orange toe nail polish glared up at her in contrast to the murky bottom. And despite that first rush she felt completely numb now. The whole world silently withdrawing from her. Just the sound of her breath in her ears and the slosh of water waiting on her. Nothing else. No cars. No people. No cancer. No illness. No pain. Just numbness. Just her and the expressionless reflection looking up at her. She need only take a few more steps and the river would do the rest. It was so cold, she’d go numb instantly. She wouldn’t feel a thing. Her foot came up—