by SM Olivier
I frowned when I realized I didn’t think I could sleep in a scarf, but I also didn’t want them looking at the raw flesh of my throat while I lay sleeping, either. I sighed, determined I wouldn’t put one on tonight.
I noticed I had a sad number of scarves in my arsenal. I made a mental note to order a plethora of scarves off Amazon, so I could have them in time for school. Lost in thought, I didn’t realize I had dropped my towel as I slid the flannel off the hanger.
I heard the grunts and groans behind me and quickly turned. I had all their attention. Oops.
Golden’s phone tumbled to the ground, his gaze enigmatic as he looked at me.
“Sorry, I forgot,” I mumbled before I hastily closed the closet door behind me.
I began to shake in anger, hurt, frustration, and shame as I slid a pair of underwear on. I put on the flannel, mindful of the port in my hand. The door suddenly opened, and Lochlann stepped in.
“You’re beautiful,” he murmured before he gently pushed my hand out of the way. He continued to button up my shirt. “Always, no matter what.”
“Thanks,” I mumbled in reply.
I appreciated his compliment, but I wasn’t blind. My body was a shell of what it used to be. I had lost all my muscle tone. I no longer had the slim, toned lines in my legs, stomach, and rear. All that was left was a bag of bones. I was disgustingly and freakishly skinny. I had bruises, marks, and raw skin in too many places to count. I was far from beautiful right now.
“Hey, what’s wrong?” Lochlann stopped his ministrations and cradled my face in his hands.
“Nothing,” I muttered.
I wasn’t ready to tell him about all my fears and nightmares. How could I tell him I was afraid of how long it might take me to dance again? That I was worried it was going to be too long to get my body back and I would lose all the opportunities I needed to get recognized? I needed every second, every class, every dance to get a place in a reputable school that would launch my dream career.
How could I tell him I was afraid to lose them while I took the time to heal mentally, emotionally, and physically? How did I vocalize how hard it was for me to lose Golden, and that I was just waiting for the others to realize I was too much work, too?
How did I tell them that I was afraid to leave the house and restart my life? How could I say I just wanted to stay here, safe, forever? On the other hand, I was claustrophobic from my prolonged captivity. The knowledge that I had to remain confined to the house until I was healed wasn’t helping, either.
How could I tell him that, every time I closed my eyes, I remembered the torture and the beatings I took? I was so afraid to close my eyes.
I was so afraid of everything.
And I couldn’t tell them, couldn’t talk. Yet it was like a wound, festering deep inside my soul. I felt my lungs begin to close once more.
That. That was another thing. For years I suffered at the hands of Sean, and in eighteen short days, I was reduced to panic attacks whenever I let myself sink too deeply into my thoughts.
“Stay with me, love,” Lochlann soothed before taking me into his arms.
“We’re right here, kitten,” Kyler said softly.
I nebulously realized the door was open and now all the guys, including Golden, were standing in my small, walk-in closet. I tried to take deep breaths in and out.
“Always here,” Paxton added.
“Forever,” Zane chimed in.
“Take all the time you need, angel,” Crew rumbled. “Just know that we’re here for you no matter what. If you want to talk, we’ll listen.”
I loved when he spoke more than a few words. It happened so rarely, that when it did, it was like being blessed by a miracle.
“If you want us to hold you, we’ll hold you,” Zane spoke next.
“Just let us know,” Paxton articulated. “We don’t want to smother you, but we want you to know one of us will always be there for you no matter the time or place.”
I felt somewhat calm as their words filtered into my mind, and I heard the truth in their words.
“Thank you,” I murmured before Lochlann dropped a kiss on my forehead and turned to leave the space.
What else could I say? I knew they were in my corner. They weren’t giving up on me, and I wasn’t ready to give them up. They all—well, most of them—had just reassured me that the days ahead might be dark, but with them by my side, I would never be alone. Sometimes I would need them to be beside me as I carried my light. Other times, I would require them to hold the light while I took a break. But the moments I looked forward to were the ones where we held that light together.
Reassured and confident of our future, I exited the closet. I was somewhat surprised and shocked when Golden took my hand before pulling me into his arms. I felt the tremors in his body. He held me like I was the only thing keeping him together. I found myself melting into him and reveled in his sunshine and citrus scent. I didn’t know what tomorrow held for us, or if he even wanted to be a part of it, but for right now, I wanted to bask in the comfort his arms brought me.
●
I woke up in a cold sweat. I could feel anxiety grip me and the need to escape from the tangle of limbs surrounding me. I vaguely realized I was still pinned between Paxton and Lochlann. With shaking legs, I crawled over Paxton and heard his mumble of discontentment. He grabbed my pillow and embraced it to his chest.
I didn’t want to wake any of them, but my throat was dry, and I was in desperate need of a cold glass of water. I stumbled towards the door, conscious of grabbing my IV pole as I went. I shuffled over to my fridge, in the kitchenette, and noticed it was bare of any bottles of water. I hesitated at the door that would take me upstairs and looked at my “dog.” Deciding to go up anyway, I disconnected the tube from the port in my hand and made my long trek up the steps, frustrated at my weak limbs and lack of coordination.
On my way down the hallway, I heard soft murmurings from the kitchen. When I got there, I stopped short. Golden had his head down on the counter while a scantily clad Madison was hovering over him, stroking her fingers through his golden locks.
“You need to stop blaming yourself,” she said softly as her other hand began to run up and down his back.
All the rage and hurt raised up in me. My thirst for something cold disappeared as my heart dropped in my stomach, my pulse sped up, and red, hot jealously clouded my vision.
What did Golden have to blame himself for? Did he hook up with Madison and now felt guilty?
I tried to stand there quietly so I could find out exactly what was going on.
“How can I not?” Golden lamented. “I screwed up. It’s all my fault. I don’t think Peyton will ever forgive me.”
Madison let out a low sound, and I could see the affection, envy, and longing in her gaze. “She will. She has a forgiving spirit. Now come on, stop blaming yourself and come to bed.”
Golden shook his head. “No. No, I should be there when she wakes up.”
“I thought all the other guys were down there,” Madison pouted.
“So,” I finally bit out, not able to hold back any longer, “since I already have five other guys, you can just take one off my hands?” I saw the look of guilt in Madison’s and Golden’s face. “If you guys want each other, you should have had the balls to tell me. All the touching, texting each other, and hiding away together made it pretty obvious things changed when I was gone.
“I may have a forgiving spirit,” I spat the words back at Madison. “But I’m not a doormat, nor stupid. You’ve been taking guys away from me for years! I never cared before, but you knew these guys were different, Madison. You literally could have any other man out there, yet you weren’t content with that, were you? You wanted Golden, too.
My breathing was quickly becoming erratic as I continued, “I won’t stop you guys if you want to be together. But know this. Our friendship is over, both of you. I won’t smile and pretend for you, I won’t have anything to do with you, ever aga
in.”
By the time I gave my impassioned speech, I was shaking.
Immediately, Golden was in front of me, looking devastated. “There is nothing going on between Madison and me!” I made a loud sound of disbelief, and he cradled my face. “Hand to heart, Peyton.” He looked over at Madison. “I mean, she’s been there for me. We’ve been there for each other, but as friends. It’s you I adore. It’s you I want.”
I was floored by his confession and for a second there I wanted to believe him.
“Then what do you have to be guilty for?” I countered before I could be lulled into his earnest gaze.
“It’s my fault,” he said suddenly tormented, releasing his hands from my face. He ran a hand through his hair. “Don’t you see that? I. Was. Right. There. If I hadn’t gotten so out of practice with my running, I could have reached you in time, dammit! It’s my fault that you were taken, my fault that you suffered at the hands of those monsters.”
I gaped at him in disbelief for a moment, before taking a step towards him. I grabbed his shoulders so he could see my sincerity. Relief flooded me when I realized where his guilt was coming from. I was so relieved to find out I was wrong about him and Madison.
“It wasn’t your fault in any way,” I said insistently. “You can’t blame yourself for what those monsters did. Otherwise, I can blame myself for not trusting my instincts the moment I left the hospital. I should have remembered that a psycho was out there. I should have never been alone.”
He pulled me in close, his steel arms like bands around me. He buried his head into the crook of my neck. “None of that was your fault either.” He breathed me in deeply. “Peyton, I feel like I failed you. I knew I cared for you and I loved having you around, but when you were gone it felt like a piece of me was missing that I never even knew existed.”
I sighed and melted into him. So much relief was flooding me. I hadn’t lost him. He was self-flagellating and tormented by his own demons.
“It was because of you and the other guys,” I whispered, “that I found the strength to escape. When I felt my strength waning, you guys, my family, were the driving force to return. I don’t blame you for what happened that day, Golden. It never even crossed my mind! Now please stop beating yourself up and come back to me,” I softly pleaded.
His eyes were wet as he peered down at me. He kissed my temple and his lips remained there as he spoke his next words. “I wish I had the same conviction as you, but I don’t. For you, I’ll try, though.” He ran his hands tentatively along my spine.
I didn’t agree with him, but I knew nothing I said would convince him differently. Only time could absolve him from his misperceived blame.
“Now, let’s get back to bed,” he husked. “Wanna go back downstairs, or do you want to come up to my room?”
I leaned against him for a moment longer as I contemplated his question, aware of my utter exhaustion hitting me, now that the adrenaline from earlier was fading “Let’s go to your bed, but first, I’m really thirsty. I need water.”
He seemed pleased by my decision as he released me. He walked over to the refrigerator. “Would you like a glass of orange juice, too?”
I nodded. “Yes, please.”
I finally remembered Madison was still standing in the room. I looked over at her, and she didn’t even try to hide the longing in her eyes.
“You really are lucky, Peyton,” she finally replied. I didn’t pretend not to know what she was talking about.
“And so are you,” I finally said, diplomatically. “You have two loving parents that have doted on you your whole entire life. You’re smart, beautiful, talented, and so charismatic. You’ve gotten everything you have ever wanted.”
I didn’t need to add, until now—the words were left unspoken in the air. I wanted to be angry at her, to unload all my pent-up feelings on her, but I was too drained. I knew I was only a shell of the person I once was. I, too, needed time and healing to get out of the darkness that clouded the edges of my mind.
I would have to wait until I was emotionally ready to have that discussion, one that had to be done. I knew without asking that she wouldn’t have had any qualms starting a relationship with Golden while I was gone, and that didn’t sit right with me. Her selfish actions of late made me rethink our whole relationship.
“Goodnight,” Madison said with a small voice before turning and leaving.
I twisted my ring, now on my pointer finger, feeling brave enough to ask what I needed to. “Golden… are you sure nothing happened between you two?”
He set the glass of orange juice down in front of me, looking guilty for a moment before he ducked his head. “Maddy tried to kiss me the day before you returned.”
He must have seen the flash of anger in my eyes because he covered my hand with his. Because, yes, I wanted to march after her and lay into her.
“But, Peyton…I didn’t return it. She’s not you. You are who I want to be with. So nothing happened.” His gaze captured mine, and I felt the truth in his words. “I already talked to her. I told her we can never be anything but friends.”
He sighed. “She loves you, Peyton, and she really cares for you. Madison may seem like she has it all and is loving life, and I’m not giving her any excuses, but she’s not as happy as she seems to be. She’s been envious of you for years.” At my snort he added, “She may be smart, but she has to work for it. She’s talented, but she’s spent hours with private coaching to get that way.”
“What am I supposed to do now?” I asked him softly. “Too often, I looked the other way when guys used me to get to her. I didn’t care about them, and it never bothered me for long, but she knew you guys were mine. Why would she do that?”
“I can’t tell you what you’re supposed to do,” he finally said, tenderly rubbing my back. “I’m so sorry, Peyton. I’ve been a zombie since you were taken… it didn’t even occur to me until the moment she tried to kiss me, that she would even think that…” He shook his head, looking lost again.
He had a note of pleading in his voice when he spoke next. “But I should have tried harder to keep my distance from her. I tried to, but then we got the call that you’d been found, and it was so easy to forget all that. Look, she means nothing to me. I never want you to doubt the way I feel for you. You are my past, present, and hopefully, my future. Please forgive me.”
I closed my eyes, trying to analyze all his words, my mind and body so very tired. But I believed him. “I forgive you, and I need you. I know you’re… friends, but no more touching her or comforting her.”
“I promise,” he said fervently. “If I have to, I’ll talk to her again. I’ll make her understand that it’s you I want and only you.”
I nodded against his chest, slumping against him in exhaustion and relief. I still didn’t know how to talk to Madison about the whole situation. She needed to understand what she did was not okay. I would have never done what she had done, had the situation been reversed.
I was too tired to further analyze this situation. I had enough crap to deal with. “Take me to bed, please,” I request finally.
He sighed in relief before he bent down and scooped me up. He carried me through the house and up two flights of stairs, before I was comfortably ensconced in his bed. He held me close as I drifted off to sleep, knowing things were far from over.
I had some long days ahead of me but at least I had all my guys by my side to get through the dark days ahead. I had a feeling we’d really be needing each other more than ever.
Author’s Note
I want to take the time to thank all my beautiful readers and fans that continued the journey with Peyton. The love and support I have gotten from so many of you have been so humbling, amazing, and encouraging. I hope you continue this journey with me as we unfold more of Peyton’s story. Without you, I wouldn’t be where I am, eager to create more worlds and characters for you to enjoy.
I want to thank my wonderful husband and two littles for their patienc
e with me. Sometimes it’s hard to life, mom, and wife when my head’s stuck in the clouds. They often have to call for me a time or two, while the characters and stories run rampant in my head. Thank you again for your perseverance.
I want to express my gratitude to my friends and family who have been cheering me on in my writing endeavors. Especially, my in-laws, my self-proclaimed promoters that read the reviews on my books, daily, for fun; then proceed to text or tell me about some of their favorites!
Last but not least, I want to thank Jenifer Knox for reaching out to me when I was new at this− at times I feel like I still am− and offered me her sage advice, editing, and cover services, and has been one of my greatest advocators. The world needs more people like you!
