Bonjour Alice

by Judi Curtin

‘What do you think?’ she asked, as she twirled around.

  Grace, Alice and I looked, and looked. Then we looked some more.

  ‘Isn’t this the coolest dress you’ve ever seen?’ asked Louise.

  Those weren’t exactly the words I’d have chosen. I’d have said something like that is the most gross, disgusting, revolting, horrible piece of clothing I’ve ever seen in my whole life. (And trust me, with a mother like mine, I’ve had plenty of chances to see gross clothes.) The dress was bright, bright pink and shiny. It came almost down to the ground, and it had huge, puffy sleeves. On the neck, there was a ribbon almost the size of Louise’s head. Poor Louise, how was she supposed to go out in public looking like that?

  ‘Well,’ said Louise. ‘What do you all think?’

  ‘Er, it’s a very pretty colour,’ said Grace.

  Alice reached out and touched the dress.

  ‘The material is lovely and soft,’ she said.

  ‘It’s … it’s … well … it’s perfect for a summer wedding,’ I muttered, repeating something I’d heard my mum say once.

  Louise turned away from us all, and put her head down. I sighed. She knew the dress was gross, and we hadn’t lied very successfully. I racked my brain, trying to think of something suitable to say, when Louise suddenly turned around again.

  ‘You’re all big, fat liars,’ she said, laughing loudly. That was true, but why did Louise seem to find it so funny?

  ‘You should see your faces,’ said Louise. ‘I wish I’d had a camera. Thanks for trying to be kind though.’

  ‘What’s going on?’ asked Alice.

  Louise laughed again.

  ‘My cousin brought this dress over last week, and said it was the one she’d chosen for me to wear as her bridesmaid. She made me try it on right away. And I was so totally embarrassed. I thought I’d die. I thought I’d have to invent some deadly disease, just so I wouldn’t have to wear it. But it was only a joke. This is just an old dress that used to belong to my cousin’s mother.’

  We all laughed than. It had been a good trick to play.

  Louise ran to the door.

  ‘I’ll try on the real one now,’ she said.

  Minutes later she was back.

  ‘Now what do you think?’ she asked.

  ‘Er …’ said Alice.

  ‘Em …’ said Grace.

  ‘Well …’ I said.

  Louise looked like she was going to cry.

  ‘Don’t you like it?’ she asked.

  We all laughed.

  ‘Just getting you back,’ said Grace.

  ‘It’s totally beautiful,’ I said, and I meant it.

  So Louise did a few twirls in her totally beautiful bridesmaid’s dress, then she changed again, and we hung out for the rest of the day.

  Chapter Eight

  Bright and early the next Monday morning, Alice and I were sitting on my front garden wall, trying not to laugh. It looked like everything we owned was spread out on the driveway. There were boxes and bags and cases and deck-chairs. Rosie was already sitting in the car, excited about our big trip.

  Dad was trying to pack everything into the car-boot, but every time it looked like he was nearly finished, Mum came rushing out of the house carrying something else.

  She handed him a big cardboard box. Dad staggered under the weight of it.

  ‘What’s in here?’ he asked. ‘The kitchen sink?’

  ‘Very funny,’ said Mum. ‘It’s just …’ she mumbled the end of the sentence, so no-one could understand her.

  ‘It’s just what?’ asked Dad.

  Mum spoke quietly,

  ‘It’s just a few cans of organic chick-peas.’

  Dad dropped the box to the ground, narrowly missing Mum’s toes.

  ‘You’ve got to be joking,’ he said.

  ‘I’m not, actually,’ said Mum. ‘We might not be able to buy these in France, so I thought it best to bring a few cans.’

  Now Dad laughed, but he didn’t sound very happy.

  ‘Sheila, we are going to the food capital of the world,’ he said. ‘I don’t think we need to burden ourselves with the entire contents of our local health food store.’

  Mum put on a sulky face.

  ‘All right so, I’ll bring them back into the kitchen.’

  Dad smiled.

  ‘Thanks, love,’ he said. Then he turned back to the boot, and, while he wasn’t looking, Mum sneaked three cans of chick-peas under Rosie’s car-seat and a few more on the floor in the back of the car. Then she winked at Alice and me.

  ‘Lucky Dad didn’t see me packing the cans of lentil stew earlier on,’ she said.

  Then she took the rest of the cans back in to the house.

  Alice giggled.

  ‘Your parents are so funny,’ she said.

  I sighed.

  ‘I hope you’ll still think that after ten days on holidays with them.’

  Just then Mum came out of the house carrying a box of washing powder.

  ‘Megan,’ she hissed. ‘Distract Dad.’

  I shook my head. I wasn’t getting involved.

  Alice was though.

  ‘Hey, Donal,’ she called.

  ‘Will there be enough room for my roller-blades?’

  Dad looked up, but Mum wasn’t quick enough. Dad raced over and grabbed the box of washing powder from her, and held it in front of him like a shield.

  ‘No way,’ he said. ‘No way is that coming. Either it stays here, or I do.’

  Mum pretended to think.

  ‘OK, so,’ she said slowly. ‘The washing powder can stay here.’

  Then they both laughed.

  ‘What were you planning to do with it?’ Dad said. ‘Were you planning to take in washing in France?’

  Mum shook her head.

  ‘No, but who knows if I’ll be able to buy environmentally-friendly powder in France? I didn’t want to take any chances.’

  Dad grinned at her.

  ‘What are you like?’ he said. ‘How about if you put a small bit of the powder into a bag or something, would that do?’

  Mum nodded.

  ‘I suppose so.’

  Then they had a big sloppy kiss. I covered my eyes.

  ‘Stop that. It’s gross,’ I said.

  I looked at Alice. She looked kind of sad. Then I felt really stupid. Poor Alice would probably love to see her parents kissing like that.

  Suddenly Alice made a face.

  ‘Here come Mum and Jamie. I’m glad I said good-bye to Dad before he left for work this morning.’

  I looked up to see Veronica wobbling along the footpath in very, very high heels. She was wearing a beautiful light blue dress, much fancier than the outfit my mum wore for my confirmation. Jamie was walking beside her, wailing,

  ‘I want to go to France. Why can’t I go to France?’

  ‘If you’re a good boy, I’ll take you to the cinema. Will that do?’ said Veronica.

  ‘Yay, cinema,’ screeched Jamie. ‘That’s much better than France!’

  Alice and I laughed.

  Veronica reached us, and said hello to everyone.

  Mum gave her a big hug, and I could see by Veronica’s face that she wasn’t very happy about that. She was nice, though, and tried to smile.

  ‘Now I don’t want you to worry, Veronica,’ said Mum. ‘We’ll take good care of Alice. I’ll make sure that she eats plenty of fresh fruit and vegetables. We’ll aim for seven portions a day, just to be on the safe side.’

  ‘Oh, thanks, Sheila,’ replied Veronica, but I could see by her face that she wasn’t really too worried about how many portions of fruit and vegetables Alice ate over the next ten days.

  Veronica hugged Alice.

  ‘Be a good girl,’ she said.

  Alice grinned at her.

  ‘Am I ever anything else?’ she asked.

  Her mum kissed her on the cheek.

  ‘Well, let’s not discuss that now, shall we?’ she said and everyone laughed.

  F
ive minutes later, the house was locked up, the car was packed and Alice and I had strapped our bikes securely onto the bike-rack on the back of the car.

  ‘All set?’ said Dad.

  Everyone nodded except for Rosie who’d been in the car for so long that she had fallen asleep.

  Then the rest of us jumped into the car, waved madly at Veronica and Jamie, and set off to catch the ferry to France.

  Chapter Nine

  A few hours later, a man in a yellow jacket was directing us on to the biggest ship I had ever seen.

  ‘Be careful, Donal,’ said Mum, over and over again. ‘Drive slowly.’

  ‘I’m driving slowly,’ said Dad. ‘Any slower and I’d be stopped.’

  I made a face at Alice, but she just laughed.

  At last the car was parked, and we were able to get out. Everyone had packed a small bag with just enough stuff for the night on the boat. We all got our bags and Dad locked the car. Then we had to climb a big long stairs until we got to the deck where the cabins were.

  There were hundreds of cabins, and it took ages to find ours. Mum had booked two – one for Alice and me, and the other for Mum, Dad and Rosie. Ours was the cutest little room ever – about the size of a small cupboard. There was just a set of bunkbeds, and a tiny room with a toilet and a shower.

  ‘Do you want the top bunk, or will I have it?’ asked Alice.

  I shrugged. I really didn’t care. I was just happy to be there, to be on holidays with Alice for ten whole days. (And I was also happy that Mum and Dad hadn’t done anything too embarrassing yet.)

  Then we all raced up on deck to wave good-bye to Ireland. We stood on the deck, until Ireland was only a small grey line, far away. Mum sighed.

  ‘Aaaah. To think we won’t see our home for ten days.’

  I shook her arm.

  ‘That’s a good thing, isn’t it,’ I said.

  Mum didn’t answer. She can be very strange sometimes.

  Alice and I were allowed half an hour to explore then, before we were to meet the others again for tea. The ship was huge – so big that we kept getting lost. Not counting the decks where the cars were parked, there were six other decks. Some just had cabins, but the others had shops and restaurants and bars. Alice stopped outside one restaurant, and looked at the menu, which was displayed in a fancy glass case.

  ‘This all looks totally yummy,’ she said. ‘And I’m starving. Which restaurant do you think we’ll be eating in? One of my friends from Dublin went on a ferry once. She said the kiddies meal was just sweets and crisps and a fizzy drink. Are we too old for kiddies meals, do you think? After all, we are thirteen now.’

  I sighed. Didn’t Alice know what my parents were like? There was zero chance of us having a meal consisting of nice stuff.

  Unfortunately I was right. We went to meet Mum and Dad and Rosie, and my heart sank when I saw that Mum was carrying a huge picnic bag.

  ‘Sorry, Al,’ I said. ‘Looks like there’s not going to be any kiddies meal for us today.’

  Alice shrugged.

  ‘Who cares? Anyway, I love picnics.’

  I tried to smile. That’s only because she’d never had one of Mum’s specials before.

  Dad didn’t look very happy either.

  ‘Er, Sheila, love. Why aren’t we eating in a restaurant?’

  Mum shook her head.

  ‘I doubt if they’d have organic food like the stuff I’ve brought. And besides, I’d say the food is very expensive in those restaurants. Bringing our own is a good way of saving money.’

  Dad sighed.

  ‘Maybe we should have swum to France altogether,’ he said. ‘That would have saved us a fortune.’

  Mum hit his arm playfully, and then she led the way to a big table by the window, and began to spread out the food. First there was brown bread that might once have been in slices, but now looked more like brown breadcrumbs.

  ‘Oh, dear,’ said Mum when she saw the state of it. ‘Luckily I brought plates.’

  Everyone was given a plastic plate, and Mum piled a heap of breadcrumbs onto each.

  ‘Don’t worry,’ said Mum. ‘I’ve got lots of tasty toppings.’

  Then she pulled out lots of small plastic containers, and opened each one with a flourish, like it was gold or jewels or something. Then she listed the names,

  ‘Houmous, pesto, olives, guacamole, fig relish, organic lettuce.’

  It was like a kids’ nightmare. Where were the sausages, the ketchup, the cheddar cheese?

  I could feel my face going red. I was used to this kind of stuff, but what about Alice? She hardly ever ate meals in my house, and now I thought I could see why. It had been stupid to ask her to come with us. She was going to hate every second. I turned around to her, ready to whisper an apology, when she beamed at me.

  ‘Yum,’ she said. ‘All my favourites. Thanks Sheila.’

  She must have been lying, but I wasn’t quite sure.

  ‘You’re welcome, Alice,’ she said. ‘It’s nice to see a girl with healthy tastes. And for afters, there’s a choice.’

  I crossed my fingers behind my back. Please don’t think it’s something nice like cake, or ice-cream I said to myself.

  Alice kept smiling.

  ‘I hope it’s some nice fresh fruit,’ she said.

  Mum beamed at her.

  ‘You’re in luck,’ she said. ‘I’ve got some apples, some bananas, and a lovely dish of fresh green grapes.’

  Alice was still smiling.

  ‘Looks like it’s my lucky day,’ she said.

  Mum turned around to help Rosie to stick some breadcrumbs together with a piece of houmous.

  I leaned close to Alice.

  ‘What are you on?’ I asked. ‘Mum’s never going to fall for it if you keep going on like that.’

  ‘Like what?’ asked Alice innocently.

  ‘Like all that stuff is your favourite food.’

  ‘OK, so it’s not exactly my favourite,’ said Alice. ‘But it’s OK. And it was nice of your mum to go to so much trouble. My mum would never do that. She’d just buy us pizza.’

  ‘And the problem would be?’

  Alice laughed.

  ‘Even pizza gets boring after a while.’

  I sighed.

  ‘I’d love the chance to find out.’

  Alice sighed too.

  ‘I wish my mum would cook a bit more.’

  I laughed.

  ‘I hope you get your wish,’ I said. ‘And don’t worry, the first thirteen years are the hardest.’

  ‘What are you girls whispering about?’ said Mum. ‘Eat up. There’s lots more where this came from.’

  ‘Yum, yum,’ said Alice, and we all laughed.

  Chapter Ten

  After we’d eaten our delicious meal (not), Mum and Dad decided to take Rosie to watch a magic show.

  ‘Can Alice and I go off on our own,’ I asked.

  To my surprise, Mum nodded.

  ‘Sure. Just be back at the cabin in an hour.’

  ‘We will. I promise,’ I said, as we raced off before she had time to change her mind.

  Alice and I had great fun for a while. At first we pretended we were film stars, rehearsing for a remake of Titanic. Then, when we were tired of that, we sneaked up to an outside deck and pretended we were explorers, visiting oceans that had never been visited before.

  A bit later, I was pretending to be a super-model, on my way to a fashion shoot in New York. I was walking my best walk along a corridor, saying,

  ‘… now we have Megan, wearing the latest design from Paris, she––’

  Suddenly Alice grabbed my arm.

  ‘Stop,’ she said. ‘You’ve got to stop right now.’

  I jumped.

  ‘What is it,’ I said. ‘What’s wrong?’

  ‘I’ve just seen the worst thing ever.’

  ‘Is it my mum with another picnic basket?’ I said.

  Alice giggled.

  ‘No. But be serious, Megan. It really is the
worst thing ever. Look down there.’

  I followed where she was pointing and gasped in horror.

  ‘But it can’t be,’ I said.

  Alice didn’t reply.

  ‘It couldn’t be,’ I said. ‘It just couldn’t be.’

  Alice sighed a big, long sigh.

  ‘If it walks like Melissa, and flicks its hair like Melissa, and has the exact outfit Melissa was wearing last time I saw her … then it probably is Melissa.’

  The person-who-probably-was-Melissa, was walking along with her back to us. I could see an iPod in her hand. Suddenly I heard the familiar, false, tinkly laugh. Alice and I looked at each other.

  ‘It’s Melissa,’ we said together.

  ‘Run,’ I said. ‘Before she sees us.’

  ‘Great idea,’ said Alice, but before we could take a single step, Melissa gave one huge flick of her hair, and turned to face us.

  She seemed shocked at first, and then she arranged her face into kind of a smile. Alice and I said nothing as she walked towards us.

  ‘Alice, Megan,’ she said when she got close enough. ‘What a surprise. Of all the boats in the world, imagine us all showing up on this one.’

  I remembered that Alice and I had promised not to hate Melissa any more, so I tried to smile.

  ‘We’re really surprised too,’ I muttered.

  Melissa gave me one of her most false smiles.

  ‘I can’t believe you’re going to France on your holidays,’ she said. ‘I really didn’t think that was your kind of thing.’

  I didn’t answer. I was still a bit surprised to be going to France myself.

  Melissa continued.

  ‘What hotel are you staying in? We’re going to a super-cool one. It’s got three swimming pools. And five restaurants.’

  I put my head down. What would Melissa say if she knew that instead of eating in fancy restaurants, we’d be dining on cans of food that Mum had brought all the way from Limerick?

  Alice came to the rescue as usual.

  ‘We’re not going to a hotel,’ she said. ‘We’re staying in a hundred-year-old “gateau”.’

  I tried to catch her eye, but she babbled on without noticing me.

  ‘It’s a really fancy gateau. It’s got––’

  Just then Melissa’s crazy Goth sister came up and started to talk to her. I grabbed Alice’s arm, and pulled her to one side.