Falling

by Jolene Perry

  “I need the key for cabin one?” I barely get out the words. My fingers are numb, and I start to wonder if I’ll be able to hold the key.

  “You okay?” Jason’s voice is full of concern.

  I nod, try to swallow again, and take the key. I walk back out to see Craig sitting at a table with his family. I think I’m going to be sick. How had it been so easy for me to pretend they didn’t exist? He told me the first day we met that he had a wife and kids. I’m beyond dirty. Filthy. I feel like the girl in the soap opera that everyone hates.

  Nausea hits me hard, but I’m determined not to throw up. I smile, set the key on the table, and then I turn to walk straight through the kitchen. All I want is to be alone for a few minutes. The weekend is just starting. I’ll be facing this for the next three days. I have to get my crap together.

  I nearly knock Jason over on my way up the stairs. I can’t see. Everything’s blurry.

  I slam my door behind me and sit down on the bed, still feeling weak and dizzy. What was I thinking? I try to take slow, deep breaths and put my head down between my knees. I have never, never done something this stupid. I remember having the thought of ‘am I crossing a line here?’ Why wasn’t that thought a scream? Why wasn’t it louder? I suddenly realize that I’m going to get it from Jason. I’ll deserve it. So much for our truce.

  I don’t know if my feelings are from being hurt by a man I’m not supposed to be caring about, or if it’s all from feeling like the horrible home-wrecker. It doesn’t much matter since either way it makes me feel like crap.

  I hear a soft knock at my door. I’m sure it’s Craig.

  “Go away.”

  “It’s Jason. Can I have a minute?” His voice is low.

  “Yeah.” Might as well get it over with now.

  He comes in and sits on the bed next to me. He holds his hands in his lap and just sits. I’m waiting for him to say something. I’m waiting for the ‘I told you so’ that I completely deserve. I feel my eyes well up and press my fingers to my face before they spill over. I can’t keep my body from shaking. I think of how few times Jason has seen me as anything but a mess. He reaches over and puts a hand on my back, still silent.

  “Go ahead,” I say, finally sitting up and looking at him.

  “What?” His voice is still quiet.

  “Go ahead. You told me. I didn’t listen. I’m awful.” The tears spill over. “I can’t believe how stupid I am! I mean, really. Did I think she didn’t exist?” I’m trying hard to keep my voice in the same low volume as his. “Look at this!” I hold my shaking hand out between us. “Why am I reacting like this?” I brush away tears again.

  Jason looks at me with a small smile on his face. “Because you have a conscience.” He rubs his hand across my back a few times. Without even thinking I rest my head against his shoulder. “I called Boz, you can stay up in this purple room all weekend if you like. I won’t judge you for it, and no one else will either. Everyone’s entitled to a sick day once in a while.”

  I take a deep breath in, which only sort of helps to calm me down.

  “Thanks.” I’m surprised he’s being so nice about it. I really did deserve something a lot worse.

  There’s another knock and Jason and I both look toward the closed door at the same time.

  “Dana?” It’s Craig. He also knows to use a quiet voice up here. Mostly because his wife’s downstairs.

  “I’ll go,” Jason whispers. “Wipe under your eyes again and you’ll look fine.” He gives me one last rub on the back as he stands up.

  “Thanks.”

  Jason’s decent. Much nicer than I deserve.

  “Dana?” Craig again.

  “Let me.” Jason grins just before opening the door.

  “Oh, excuse me,” Jason says, acting surprised. “I was just leaving.”

  Craig looks him up and down once, frowning a little as he steps through my doorway. Like Craig has any right to be frowning at Jason.

  “What do you want?” I ask Craig as soon as the door closes. I’m pissed at him for putting me in this position. Well, and I’m pissed at myself for the same reason.

  “I didn’t have time to warn you. I’m sorry.” His head is cocked to the side, and I wonder how he looked like Daniel Craig. Maybe I just wanted him to.

  “That’s what you’re sorry about? Really?” I can feel my face and my body tightening up in reaction to his words.

  “Well…yeah.” His eyes widen a little, and I’m waiting for him to say something that makes him sound like a total dick.

  “That’s your family down there, asshole.”

  “You knew I had a family. I told you that the first day we met.” He looks completely unbothered, relaxed, which pisses me off even more.

  “Yeah, well, now they’re real to me, too.” I stand up and try to move around him and out of the room, even though I’m a mess. “And you let me believe you were on your way out.”

  He grabs my arm and pulls me toward him, giving me the look that worked so many times before. I now find it repulsive.

  “Let go of me, Craig. I don’t think either of us wants me to scream for help right now.” My teeth clench together so hard my jaw hurts.

  We stare. He’s still doing his best smoldering look, and I’m screaming ‘screw you’ with my eyes. This is a moment I will not back down from.

  “Fine. Just remember that I bent over backwards for you.”

  “Oh yeah, and expected nothing in return…” I jerk my arm out of his hand and stomp downstairs to start my job.

  This weekend is going to suck.

  Boz and I are in the kitchen, slowly working through our mid-afternoon slump. Jason sits down next to Taylor, and I strain to hear without being obvious.

  “How you doin’, Jase?” she asks. She bumps his shoulder with hers when he sits.

  “Good.” He nods. “Better than I thought I’d be.”

  “Still doing summer in Hawaii?”

  “Stuart kind of relies on me watching his house, and that’s sort of the beautiful part about running this place all winter.”

  “Have you done anything else to the lodge, you know, since Cass took off?”

  “No.” Jason breathes out. “Bathrooms need to be next, though.”

  “Dana’s cute,” she says.

  “Dana’s a pain in the ass.” He laughs a little.

  I smile and stand just out of view. I’m sure Boz knows what I’m doing, but he won’t care.

  “But she’s been a big help. How are things with you?”

  She pauses for a moment. “Craig seems distant again. When he mentioned Dana from work I was worried that he…”

  “You won’t see them together,” Jason says. “Dana’s better than that.”

  I don’t know if his words were meant to sting me or if he’s being nicer than I deserve. Either way it doesn’t feel good. Her words echo back to me—‘Craig seems distant again.’ I feel sick. And here I thought I was playing him. That pretty much solidifies my status with him—another distraction. I felt dirty this morning, but this is even worse.

  “Thanks, Jason.”

  Nothing’s said for a moment.

  “Why are you there, Taylor? If this is what you have to worry about?” Jason’s voice is full of the same worry he uses with Justine.

  “We have three kids, and aside from what he may or may not be doing with his free time, he’s good to us at home.” She sounds as much like she’s trying to convince him as she is herself.

  “Well, I’d argue with you there.”

  “I know you would. You always do.”

  Their voices are tired enough that I know this is definitely not the first time they’ve had this conversation.

  I have to stop listening. I want to push the whole Craig mess behind me.

  A few ladies in full gear sit at the last table, so I walk down to take their order. Jason’s eyes catch mine as I walk past, but he quickly looks away.

  He may be nice to my face, but he hates me. M
y chest sinks into my gut as I stop at the corner table and try to plaster on a smile.

  Sunday afternoon I’m standing in the living room watching Craig’s family outside, strapping on the last of their belongings before heading home. He doesn’t look at her the way he should. Shoot, I’d thrown more admiring glances at her this weekend than he had. She is an unearthly beautiful woman. I fold my arms across my chest and watch as they pull away.

  “You okay?” Jason asks.

  I jump. “You scared me.” And I’m trying to figure out why he’s even talking to me after the Craig disaster.

  He stands silent, waiting for a response.

  “Just don’t like feeling stupid. That’s all.” I can’t believe I admitted that out loud.

  Jason laughs a little. “Join the club, Dana. The rest of us have been there a while.”

  It’s actually the perfect thing to say. “I’m okay.” I nod and walk past him to my room not having any idea how close to ‘okay’ I am.

  JASON

  LOW

  Craig has seriously sent me four or five texts asking me to talk to Dana. Height of stupidity. I pull out a pair of khakis and a button-up shirt. Today, I’m getting divorced. It’s our last hearing, and I’ve got to come up with some money to buy Cass out of her half of the lodge. That weighs me down, too.

  I roll up my nice clothes in a pack, and suit up. Dana doesn’t know what’s going on today, so I leave her a note.

  Have stuff to do in town. Be back tonight. If any groups come in, call Boz for help. - Jason

  I step outside, remembering how excited Cass and I were when we bought this place. She loved it here. Breathed it in and our first winter was like a honeymoon mixed with insane weekends. After two winters out here, she couldn’t do it. Couldn’t even stay with me through the summer to help with Stuart’s house in Hawaii.

  Instead I spent part of it with Boz getting high on the beach, and then with Justine doing every ridiculous activity that Maui had to offer—snorkling, hikes through the crater, bike rides down the side of the volcano, walks through the jungle…

  I glance back at the lodge as I climb on my machine. This was supposed to be our place, and now it’s mine. And I can’t imagine this lodge in the hands of anyone else. Crazy how life turned out.

  There are a million reasons why it’s shitty to sit in a desk across from Cass and draw out how to separate our lives. Never in a million years did I think she’d ever look at me this way—like I’m dirt.

  I stare at the wall in the courtroom for a while as our attorneys go back and forth a few times, but I’ve seen it all. Heard it all. Half, half, half, half…

  When I look at Cass, her crazy red hair, and freckles, and gorgeous green eyes, I’m sad again that we can’t even be civil here. Her eyes narrow, and I look away.

  Now I just want home.

  Dana stops chewing her bowl of kid cereal when I step into the kitchen.

  “Do I look that bad?” I ask and try to laugh, but I almost fucking cry instead. I’m a mess.

  She nods.

  “Can you help me with something?” The exhaustion of my day is catching up to me fast, but now that the decision is made, I want to get it over with.

  “Yeah, sure.” She’s too quiet, too still. The cocky girl who comes out for the weekend crowds is a million miles away.

  “Do you cut hair?”

  “You mean yours?” She’s trying to hold in a smile, but totally failing.

  I just nod.

  “Really?” Her voice echoes Justine’s thrilled voice of excitement.

  I think I nod.

  “I’ll be right back. Sit down. Don’t move.” She points as she runs up the stairs.

  It seems silly to keep my beard if she’s cutting my hair, so I shuffle into my bathroom and get the clippers.

  I drop my button-up in the laundry and keep on my undershirt, shuffling back out.

  We meet at the table closest to the kitchen, and for maybe the first time ever, Dana glances at me like she’s noticing me—her eyes floating from my chest to my stomach before looking away. I’m too broken and tired to give a shit right now.

  “So, you’re sure about this?” she asks as I sit, still not looking at me.

  “Yep.” I set the clippers on the table. “In case you need them.”

  “Really sure?” She shifts her weight to one hip, pulling her tank an inch above her designer sweats. “Every women’s magazine says that you should never cut your hair when you’re emotional.”

  And then she snorts as she tries not to laugh.

  “Yep.” Her snort pulls a smile from me, because I know that can’t happen to her often. It’s just that since she doesn’t give a shit what I think, she lets down her guard.

  “It’s just hair,” I say. And my stubbornness in letting it grow.

  “Can I do whatever I want?”

  “Whatever you want.” No. Wait. “Don’t make me look like an idiot just to be funny, okay?”

  “I wouldn’t want anyone to walk away from me looking like an idiot.” She leans over and her hazel eyes find mine for a moment before she pulls away.

  “Be nice.” I sigh. “It’s been a rough day.”

  “So…what exactly happened?” She starts running her hands through my hair, and it takes everything in me to not at least let out a low hmmm as I relax.

  “Today I got divorced.”

  She freezes before resting her hands on my shoulders. “Sorry, Jason.”

  And then her hands jerk away. Probably too personal for her.

  “Happens all the time, right?”

  “Well.” Her hands start moving through my hair again. “Lots of people are witnesses and lots of people get in car accidents, but it doesn’t feel that way to me.”

  I guess she does understand at least one aspect of this.

  The scissors start to snip and hair starts to fall, and instead of it feeling weird, like I expected, I don’t really feel anything.

  As her fingers slide across my scalp, I close my eyes and try to relax.

  The quiet is nice. Dana walks slowly around me as she continues to pull my hair and snip. I can’t watch. I’m eye level with her waist, and the last thing I need is that kind of distraction.

  After a few minutes, she steps back.

  “Done?” I ask and slowly open my eyes.

  Dana’s smile is wide showing her perfect teeth, pale skin, and subtle curves.

  “Do the beard next, if you don’t mind.” I shift a few times, knowing I’m going to feel naked without it.

  “You don’t want it all off, do you?” She sits on the bench across from me, and I’m glad we’re friends. Glad I got over hating her, and that she doesn’t feel the need to act like a spoiled princess around me—most of the time.

  “I don’t know. I think I want it all gone.” I’d never had a beard before Cass left.

  Dana rests her knees on the outside of mine as she scoots her chair closer. Her small brows furrow together in concentration as she uses the scissors to cut my beard closer to my face. There are no safe places for my eyes right now. I’m either watching her bright eyes, or looking at her lips, her long neck, the curve of her cleavage, her tight stomach, or her long legs, which are touching mine.

  I picture that smooth bit of skin that’s almost always showing above her pants, and think about what it would be like to rest my hands on her hips, and rub my thumbs over the warmth of her bare skin.

  Once again I’m shifting in my seat and taking slow even breaths to keep everything in place.

  Being close to this girl is dangerous.

  DANA

  I Don’t do Vulnerability

  It strikes me as I cut his beard closer and closer to his face—he looks younger, vulnerable. He has looked nothing close to vulnerable since I arrived. It looks like it really sucks.

  Our knees are still touching, and I know I should pull away, but they’ve been together for so long without me noticing, that now it would be weird if I suddenly moved
. I study his face, the length of his hair and his features. He really is a good-looking guy. Our eyes meet briefly, and my chest tightens.

  “You’ve been wanting to do this since you got here.” He smiles. “Just finish it off.”

  I let out a nervous laugh because Jason should not be causing tightening in my chest. “Okay.” I pull out his clippers and slowly trim off the remainder off his beard. There’s a lot of hair, and it takes a while.

  When I sit back, Jason still needs to shave, but looks like a whole new person.

  “How is it?” A corner of his mouth pulls up in a sad half-smile.

  “Great.” It’s so different. “Let me check over the top again.” Why don’t I just walk away? His hair is just curly enough that it’ll be fine, even if it were a little uneven. I stand up taking his hair in my fingers and feeling the ends. I re-check his whole head, enjoying taking care of him this way. And then both my chest and my gut tighten in something like nerves and uncertainty. “I think you’re done.”

  This is when I need to jump away and shake off this feeling, but I’m frozen to the spot.

  Jason doesn’t move, but reaches out and puts a hand on either side of my waist, just at the top of my sweats, in the small space between where my shirt stops and my pants start. I can’t breathe. His hands feel so good. His thumbs slide back and forth across my skin, and my knees go weak.

  This is definitely new.

  I stand still, afraid to move. Afraid he’ll touch me more. Afraid he won’t. He’s not looking up at me. He’s staring straight ahead at my stomach. I don’t understand what I’m feeling. I’m afraid to even say anything. I’m never afraid to say something. This is Jason, used to be scruffy, tease me and be frustrating Jason. It hits me in that moment that I want him to stand up and kiss me. Take me in his arms. Tell me ‘thank you’ for taking care of him. Tell me how much he likes taking care of me.

  When did this happen?

  Why can’t I just do it? Why can’t I just pull him up to me and kiss him? I’ve never been in a position where I want something and haven’t been able to just act on it—at least not for a very long time. This moment is somehow too important. If we kiss, it will actually mean something. I’m afraid. I’ve never been afraid of this, have I? Just like he looked vulnerable a few moments ago, it’s now what I feel. Feeling vulnerable does really suck. I’m suddenly very aware that I have a leg on either side of his. How long have we been like this?