Forgiveness

by Elise St. George

  All the guys start laughing and the awkwardness is instantly broken. I look at Loki with a smile and then realize that he’s not smiling. He’s not even really paying attention. I walk over to him and bump my shoulder with his, which causes him to smirk.

  “What’s up, buttercup?” I ask quietly.

  “Nothing,” he says. “I’m just thinking about how life would be different if I never prospected for the club.”

  I’m shocked. It must be clear on my face because his eyes get really big when he looks at me. He instantly pulls me into a hug.

  “No, Valkyrie,” he says.”It’s nothing bad. I love being a part of the club. It’s probably one of the best decisions I’ve ever made in my life. If I’d never prospected for the club, I would’ve never found out what a douchebag Steve was. I would’ve been playing in that stupid ass homecoming game and going to the dance with some Stepford Wife like Crystal. Finally, I would’ve never had you or my father back in my life. The only thing I lost out on was a good friend, but I’m realizing he’s not as great as I thought.”

  I feel terrible that I didn’t even realize how much Loki was hurting too. I’m over here upset over a guy that I wasn’t even in a relationship with, and Loki is grieving the loss of one of his best friends. I feel like such an asshole now. I give him a hug and we just stand there for a few minutes in a moment of complete understanding. He steps back, grabs my shoulders, and just stares at me.

  “We should go to the homecoming dance together,” he blurts out. I’m speechless.

  “I mean as friends, not a romantic thing,” he says quickly. “Since I graduate this year, you’ll be alone next year and I know you won’t go and you deserve to have a normal high school experience like everyone else.”

  My eyes tear up and I realize how lucky I am to have this guy in my life again. He lost his best friend because of me and now he’s offering to take me to homecoming so I can have normal, teenage memories.

  “Yes, I’ll go with you as friends,” I say. “I don’t know what to wear though. Frilly dresses aren’t really my style.”

  “Momma is already on it, baby girl,” says my brother.

  “Momma?” I say suspiciously. “Y’all must have been planning this for a while now.”

  Ace chuckles. “Nothing gets past you, baby girl. We’ve been planning this ever since the stuff with Steve went south. We just didn’t know how to bring it up to you without upsetting you.

  He points to the guys in the garage. “Homecoming is this weekend and we want you to have the whole homecoming experience. I went to football games with these losers. I didn’t care too much about the dance, but the afterparties were pretty fun. You don’t have a group of friends to go with like I did, but we still want you to have the experience.”

  Once again, these men all have me crying. No matter what I go through in life, I know that I have my family and not just my blood family. The club will always look out for me and protect me, and I feel stupid for just now realizing it. As long as I have these people in my life, I’ll be fine. I hug each guy as a thank you before jumping on my bike to head home. Loki and I usually head home together, unless the prospects have a meeting since his dad lives a couple of doors down from my parents’ house. Unfortunately, he now has a good look at how messed up our family really is as well.

  My parents’ arguing has gotten worse over the years, and dad rarely ever stays at the house anymore. Momma is pretty much crying every day now and is so depressed that she can barely get out of bed some days. There have been days that Loki has had to help me get her out of bed in the mornings. I don’t understand how dad doesn’t understand how much he’s hurting her. To make matters worse, I’m pretty sure my brother’s skanky, junky ass girlfriend Sarah is cheating on him. Everybody sees it but him.

  Loki and I walk up to the front door of the house and we can already hear the screaming between momma and Hammer. Loki doesn’t even look at me. We just sit there in silence. He lights a cigarette and takes a puff before clearing his throat.

  “You want to crash in our guest room tonight?” he asks. Lately, I’ve been crashing at the house he shares with his dad when things get really bad. Sometimes I crash over there because I can’t stand the sounds of momma’s sobbing. I know it sounds selfish, but I just can’t listen to it anymore and I just get angry about the fact that she lets Hammer disrespect her so much.

  “No,” I respond. “It’s time I had a talk with momma anyways. I’m tired of feeling uncomfortable in my own home.”

  “Ok then,” he says. “Let me know how that goes.”

  He gets on his motorcycle and literally drives two doors down, which is one of the few things we constantly argue about. I don’t know why he doesn’t park his bike at his house and just walk over instead of starting his bike back up for a ten-foot ride. I walk into the house and the yelling suddenly stops, which sets me off. I already know they were arguing so I don’t understand why they’re stopping now.

  “Don’t stop on my account,” I say.

  “What the fuck did you just say?” Hammer yells. I’m instantly defensive because of his attitude.

  “I said don’t stop on my account,” I repeat. “I could hear y’all yelling as soon as I pulled up so quieting down once I walk through the door is pointless.”

  “Don’t talk back to me young lady,” he warns.

  “I’m not talking back, Hammer,” I say with a serious tone. “I’m just tired. I’m tired of the fact that you constantly cheat on momma. I’m tired of the fact that she hasn’t left your ass yet. You’ve been a terrible husband and horrible father, yet I still love you.”

  Hammer looks at me with his mouth wide open like he can’t even think of words to say right now. So, he does what he does best when shit gets hard. He leaves. Honestly, this is the first time I’ve felt absolutely nothing when he walked out the door. I hope momma can get to this point one day. I look at momma and she hugs me.

  “I’m so sorry baby girl,” she whispers.

  “Why do you stay with him, mom?” I ask. She sighs and sits down on the couch with her face in her hands. She’s not sobbing, but she looks tired and defeated.

  “Stupidly, I still love him. You only remember Hammer when he was like this, but I remember a time when he was a dedicated husband and father. I know he’s capable of being that man again. That’s why I don’t divorce your dad.”

  Wow. I felt like a loser when Steve rejected me once, but Hammer rejects mom every single day. I have a newfound respect and pity for momma and I can’t think about doing anything else other than hugging her. I have nothing nice to say at this point, so I decide to just change the subject.

  “So what is this homecoming dress looking like?” I ask. Her eyes light up and I know I asked the right question. She grabs my hand and leads me up to her room. I rarely come into my parents’ room so it’s weird to be in here now. She hands me a dress that’s exactly what I would wear. It’s a one-shoulder black corset top with a full dark red skirt (with pockets!). I’m speechless because I didn’t realize my mother knew my style this well.

  “What do you think?” she asks.

  “It’s gorgeous,” I respond breathlessly.

  “Good,” she says. “I live vicariously through you so your pale skin with a dark red lip would make my night.”

  I laugh. My mom was a biker princess and was pampered most of her life by her father. I didn’t have that luxury with Hammer. If he wasn’t caught up in club whores and his bike, he’d probably be a better dad. The truth of the matter is that Ace taught me how to ride a bike when I was sixteen and he’s pretty much been my father figure my entire life. Ace’s opinion holds much more weight than Hammer’s ever could.

  I run upstairs to try on the dress and come back down so momma can see me. As soon as she catches sight of me, her eyes start to tear up again but she quickly gathers herself together and starts talking about my hair and makeup. It’s moments like these that I cherish with momma, and it’s these types of mo
ments I need to remember.

  Chapter 10 - Steve, 18 years old

  I thought I’d be going to homecoming with Harley and Adam, but here I am posing for pictures with the girl my dad handpicked for me. Crystal. I cannot stand this bitch. She’s an entitled princess and a little bit of a slut. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m not slut-shaming or anything, but this girl has gone through half the football team. On top of that, she purposely goes out of her way to make sly comments about Harley and it’s really starting to piss me off.

  We’re standing here posing for pictures and I just can’t smile, even if it’s fake. I’m just over and done with the fake shit right now. I’ve been pretending to be in a relationship with this girl to help my father’s career, and I’m so fucking miserable right now. I’m just trying to get through graduation and join the force like dad and I planned, and I can kick this chick to the curb once dad becomes the sheriff.

  Dad reminds me to smile, and I try to muster up the best one that I can while mom looks at me with sympathy. She has to fake a lot for dad’s career too and she understands. I just wish I could tell her about Harley, but I’m afraid she’ll tell dad. I fake a smile for as long as I can until someone says the pictures are over. We’re going with a group of guys from the football team and their dates, who are mostly cheerleaders.

  It’s so cliche, I want to gag. I’m the high school quarterback, my date is the head cheerleader, and our whole group pretty much consists of football players and cheerleaders. It’s a total 80s movie cliche and I’m not really here for it. On top of that, almost every person in this group is somehow related to the sheriff’s department whether it’s a son, daughter, niece, or nephew. Ever since Adam called me a coward a few weeks ago for not stepping up to my dad, I’ve noticed more sketchy things about the sheriff’s department; however, I’m still hoping I can make a difference in the department.

  I tell my dad I forgot something in my room just so I can breathe. I’m glad dad offered our house to take pictures, even though the only reason he did it was to further his career. At least I have somewhere I can escape. I go upstairs and shut myself in the room just to have a minute for myself when I hear the door shut behind me. I turn around expecting to see dad, but it’s mom instead.

  “You doing alright, baby?” she asks me.

  “I’m fine mom,” I respond. She looks at me with a look that says she doesn’t believe a word I’m saying. Mom and I aren’t super close, but I’m definitely closer to her than I am to dad, even if I don’t feel comfortable opening up to her.

  “You’re not fine, Steve,” she says softly with her hand on my shoulder. “It’s about that girl, isn’t it? That motorcycle girl?”

  “How do you know about that?” I asked. Mom is so focused on dad and his upcoming campaign, I didn’t think she really noticed anything about me.

  “I overheard your father bitching and yelling to Adam’s stepdad about losing you and Adam to the Burnt Kings motorcycle club. Something about a Harley,” she says.

  First, I’ve never heard mom cuss ever so that’s weird. Second, I’m surprised she was eavesdropping on dad like that. I always just thought he went along with everything he said.

  “Not a harley, mom. A girl named Harley. She’s basically the club princess and I was going to ask her to the dance until dad intervened,” I confess.

  “I see,” she says. “Is that why you’ve been so solemn, lately?”

  “Yea,” I tell her. “Dad basically told me that Harley and her family were trash and I should surround myself with more respectable people so I asked Crystal to the homecoming dance.”

  I’m hesitant to tell her because she’ll probably agree with dad and it’s really not what I want to hear right now. She sits down next to me on the bed and grabs my face between her hands before speaking.

  “I’m going to go ahead and say this now before I lose my nerve,” she starts. “Fuck your father. He’s a selfish, self-centered, and self-serving, social-climbing motherfucker and I don’t want you to turn out to be an asshole like him. I married him out of rebellion from my family….my motorcycle club family, moved to the city and got stuck. Part of the reason I wanted to move here was that there was a club here and I want to be as close as I can be to that life without your father knowing. Maybe one day I may leave him, and return to my club family, but for right now I have to be here for you.”

  “You were affiliated with a club, mom?” I ask surprised. She chuckles.

  “Affiliated? I was a club princess just like your girl. I know I seem like a stuffy Stepford wife to you, Steve. I haven’t told your father about my previous life, but I’m sure he knows. I’m only telling you because you could cut ties with your father and the club would support you and have your back, but that’s a decision that only you can make,” she advises.

  “Do you regret the choice that you made being with dad?” I ask quietly.

  “Never,” she says. “I ended up with a great kid who has a big heart. How could I ever regret that? Now, put on a brave face and let’s go downstairs. Maybe you’ll have fun tonight,” she says while she combs my hair. “Now come downstairs and take one more picture with your mom before you head out.”

  We head downstairs, take pictures, then get in the limo to head to the dance. I’m not happy, but I do feel better after talking to mom. I’ve finally realized that she has this amazing strength about her that I never noticed. If she can get through being married to dad, then I can get through a stupid dance with a chick I can’t stand.

  We pull up to the school and I’m looking for Harley’s motorcycle. Unfortunately, I don’t see it and disappointment doesn’t even describe how I feel. I look over at my date and she’s flirting with those douches Mike and Drew. I roll my eyes and get out of the car to head inside.

  “Steve!” Crystal yells. “Aren’t you going to walk me inside?”

  “Oh yea,” I say. I walk back to the car and escort her out. She has her hand on my arm while we walk into the building then she cozies up to me all of the sudden. Crystal knows what type of relationship this is so her behavior is confusing as hell until I hear a motorcycle in the background. I take that back….I hear multiple motorcycles in the background.

  About thirty motorcycles pull up surrounding a small, white limo. She came to the dance! I can barely breathe right now and my heart is racing. At this point, everybody can see them and they have everybody’s attention. The limo pulls up to the school and a couple steps out, and it’s Harley and Adam. Harley looks amazing, and my heart hurts a little seeing her hand in hand with Adam.

  Ace and his friends are leading the line of bikers (I have a feeling he’ll lead the club someday), before they stop in front of Crystal and I. Crystal takes the opportunity to cuddle up to me more, and it’s obvious that she’s trying to get under Harley’s skin. I don’t even care about Crystal right now because I can’t really keep my eyes off Harley. Ace, Harley’s brother, and the rest of the guys get off their bikes and form two lines leading to the entrance so Adam and Harley can walk through and they don’t leave until Adam and Harley are inside. Right before they leave, Scott turns around and gives me a death stare.

  “If I hear you ruined my sister’s night, Steve, your kiss ass daddy won’t be able to save you from me,” he warns.

  Okay. Message received. After Adam and Harley’s grand entrance, everyone shuffles inside the dance. I don’t know what it is, but I can already tell that this is going to be a hell of a night.

  Chapter 11 - Harley, 17 years old

  The guys definitely made sure Loki and I made an entrance to the dance. They even stayed until we walked. I don’t really dance or anything like that, but it’s nice to be able to spend time with my best friend. I haven’t seen Steve and Crystal yet and, honestly, I’m really not all that excited about it. I know we were never really official, but my heart literally hurts whenever I think about them together. Loki must see my face because he pulls me on the dance floor.

  “Don’t worry ab
out that dickhead,” he says. “His loss is my gain.”

  I can’t help but laugh because we both know our relationship isn’t like that, no matter how much easier it would be for everyone if that were the case. I’m actually happy I came to the dance with Loki because he’s quickly becoming my best friend, and he’s the only person who really understands my Steve situation. Loki and I go out on the dance floor and dance, which is surprising because I didn’t realize he was such a great dancer. It’s crazy, but I’m having the time of my life with Loki. I would’ve never come to this dance if he didn’t push me to do it and now I’m so glad I let him talk me into coming.

  He twirls me around and we’re both laughing until he suddenly stops and scowls. I’m afraid to turn around because the only person that he could possibly be staring at like that is Steve, and I’m not sure I can face him right now. I’ve tried several times to be nice and friendly towards him and he’s only been frosty. To make matters worse, his new girlfriend and her stupid friends have been bullying me when Loki isn’t around. I haven’t said anything to Loki, my brother, or any of the other guys because I don’t want them involved. I only have a little over a year left of high school, and I’m just ready for it to be over without any type of conflict. I hear a throat clear behind me, and when I turn around, it’s Steve.

  “You look beautiful,” he says. I’m speechless. He hasn’t spoken to me or Loki this whole time and decides to choose this moment to talk to me. I’m more than just speechless, I’m fucking pissed. As much as I want to scream at him, he doesn’t deserve my words so I just turn around and continue to focus on Loki. Loki, like the best friend he is, just goes with it and ignores Steve too.

  “Look, Harley,” he says behind me. “I’m sorry. You don’t understand --” I cut him off before he has anything else to say.

  “I understand everything perfectly, you cowardly motherfucker,” I say. Loki’s eyes get really big, and he’s looking at me like I’ve grown an extra head. Hell, I don’t blame him. I’ve been holding in a lot of rage towards Steve that nobody knows about, and now he’s finally speaking to me, it’s all spilling out.