Changed

by Alicia Renee Kline

  He kept a toothbrush on my sink, his man soap in my shower. He threw his dirty clothes on my floor in a pile and I didn’t even blink. The same clothes would be freshly washed and folded in his drawer by the time he returned, courtesy of me. He didn’t need to know that I slept with one of the shirts he wore Sunday night through Thursday, tossing it in the laundry Friday morning before I went to work and sneaking it back amongst his stuff before he showed up.

  I hoped he didn’t notice that I didn’t give him everything back before I packed up my belongings.

  We made it through the first box of condoms, sailed through a second, and put a big dent in yet another. I shared with him my plans to see a doctor once I got situated up north so we wouldn’t have to worry about that any longer. I braced myself for his rebuttal, his getting scared off, but it didn’t come. Instead, he grinned at me, then changed the subject.

  Which led me to where I was, standing in the empty shell of my apartment, waiting for Blake and Chris to arrive. I didn’t have much; between them loading up the Trailblazer and me filling the Taurus, we only needed to make one trip. Doug was on his way, too, but only to send me off.

  Matthew and Lauren would meet me at my new house to help unload. In a moment of brilliance, I’d suggested that Chris also call Will to ask him to assist. After all, it would make things go that much more quickly with all hands on deck. My reasoning was logical and Chris made the invitation without a second thought. Will, of course, accepted and promptly texted me that I was a sneaky girl.

  Which I was, but it was just another reason that overnight visits at my house were never going to work. Regina would no doubt see the welcoming committee, associate the Jeep with Will and never let me live it down if his vehicle showed up randomly at strange hours and stayed all night.

  My reverie was interrupted by Doug knocking on my apartment door for what would be the last time. I threw open the door, knowing it would be him that stood behind it, if for no other reason than that Blake did mornings about as well as I did. But today, I had been up and at them near the crack of dawn. This wasn’t lost on Doug.

  “Well, good morning Gracie,” he smiled, thrusting a Styrofoam cup of coffee in my hand as he walked past me. “Are you moving today, or going out on a date?”

  “Shut up.”

  I took a sip of coffee as he observed what he saw before him. Of course, I already knew what I looked like. Full on makeup, hair coaxed long and straight over my shoulders and down my back. My outfit didn’t scream date - it was just a pair of jeans and a tight, long sleeved thermal worn with a pair of boots. At the same time, it didn’t exactly say I wasn’t trying.

  He didn’t shut up.

  “I remember the day Lauren moved to Fort Wayne. Sweats and a t-shirt. No makeup.” His words were wistful, like I was yet another child experiencing a rite of passage.

  “Yeah, and that’s the day she met Matthew. I’d bet if she’d known then what she knows now, she’d have rethought that look.”

  “Doesn’t seem that she’s any worse for the wear in that department.”

  “No, but that’s them and this is me. They weren’t sleeping together yet; he had plenty of time to get warm and fuzzy over her. Me, I know what Will likes. It’s not a ponytail. And I always wear makeup, even when I’m going to the drugstore for cold medicine.”

  Doug nodded, because that was true. I was semi-high maintenance. Only semi because I would leave the house without makeup, but only if I could brush on some mascara and a coat of lip gloss en route to my destination. My appearance today wouldn’t raise any eyebrows because it wasn’t that out of the ordinary. The hair might get a stare or two given my predilection for having it out of my face, but I could always explain that away. Or better yet, ignore the looks I got completely. It was moving day; I was allowed to be a little flaky.

  “You going to be okay?” he asked, swiftly moving to the heart of the matter. Time was limited; we couldn’t have this discussion in front of Blake and Chris and he knew it as well as I did.

  I bit my lip. Should he get the version I wanted him to hear or the truth?

  “I think we’ll be okay,” I hedged, going for something in between. When I realized that I’d inadvertently spoken for Will, I amended my answer. “I’ll be okay.”

  “You’re lying.”

  “Fine. So I feel like we’re on some kind of bad reality show. Instead of getting a fantasy date with a helicopter ride and a five course meal, we scored the fantasy shack up. Almost a month’s worth of weekends waking up beside one another, going to sleep in each other’s arms. Living together knowing that our time was limited. Making the most of everything that we could, only showing each other the best parts. Of course it’s not going to be like that when I move up there because it can’t be. Those things never last, anyway.”

  “I bet Lauren and Blake would disagree with you.”

  I waved his suggestion away with a motion of my hand. “They’re different. They’re in love.”

  “And you aren’t?”

  “Doug, I can’t be.”

  “Gracie,” he began.

  I shook my head to stop whatever was forthcoming. He took my nonverbal clue and did just that, though I could tell it pained him to choke back his wisdom.

  “I can’t be in love with him because he won’t let me. That’s part of the deal and I have to accept it. If I want anything, any piece of him at all, I have to forget about some fairy tale ending. We are not Lauren and Matthew. We are not Blake and Chris. We are not going to end up together.”

  “Gracie.”

  “Doug.”

  We stood in my apartment, at an impasse. It was then I decided that I’d much rather anyone else’s love life be under his microscope. It was so easy to listen to him talk about everyone else and agree with him, but the minute the lens was turned on me was the minute that his sageness was not appreciated.

  “We’ll always have Indianapolis,” I muttered, much the same way that I’d heard people in romantic films reminisce about much more poetic cities. Paris, New York, Las Vegas. Mine was good old Indy. “God, I’m going to miss it here.”

  He crossed the space between us to fold me into a hug. I let his arms wrap around me and I accepted his comfort. The truth of the matter remained unspoken, but he knew it as well as I did. Whatever it was I’d had with Will down here had gone far beyond casual. Those memories would leave an indelible mark on my brain, a point of reference that I could return to as I spent the rest of my life alone.

  “Any hope he’ll change his mind?” he whispered.

  “I don’t think so.”

  “Don’t give up. Not yet. Not if he means this much to you.”

  I bit my lip, considering his advice. I wasn’t sure I had it in me to try and fight him. Will was dead set against it. Besides, what if I fought and it turned out that I still ended up with nothing?

  “I’ll think about it,” I conceded. “But it’s a bit hard to fight when you’re keeping what you’re fighting for a secret. Anybody that could help me is so far in the dark, it’s not even funny.”

  “You’re a smart girl, Gracie. You’ll figure things out.”

  “Yeah. And if I don’t, I’ve got one of his t-shirts that I can fawn over. Unwashed, like a total girl.”

  “He gave it to you? That hardly sounds like someone who wants to keep things quiet.”

  “Not exactly.” This was said on a smirk, until the gravity of what I’d said hit me. “Shit.”

  Doug looked confused. “What?”

  “I just admitted to stealing something. From a cop. And here you thought I was smart. I don’t even know who I am any more.”

  “I seriously doubt you’d be doing hard time if he found out. Remember, he’s the same cop who watched a convicted felon intimidate and possibly assault another man without batting an eyelash.”

  “Stalker Jeff deserved it. And the convicted felon in question is your son-in-law.”

  “Still, I don’t believe that Will’s moral c
ompass is as dead set on squeaky clean as you think.”

  “I’m not upset.”

  That drew a laugh, just as a knock on my door announced that the rest of my expected visitors had arrived. The tough conversation was over, and for that I was happy. Though Doug was my only sounding board, I much preferred to consider my love life in private, totally within my own head. The mere fact that there was anything to contemplate was shocking enough. Saying it aloud was just brutal.

  “Christopher, Blake,” I greeted as I swung open the door to let them in.

  “Grace,” Chris played along, complete with chin lift. I punched him in the arm as he pulled his wife inside my place. They were holding hands, her face practically beaming.

  An unexpected stab of jealousy tore through me. I chose not to think about what that meant. I already knew. Doug likely did as well. Damn him for drawing attention to it.

  “Ready to do this?” Blake asked me.

  I wanted to be as enthusiastic about things as she was. Trust me, her head cheerleader bubbliness was trying to work its magic, but I couldn’t quite get there. “As ready as I get, I suppose.”

  Either she didn’t notice the response or she decided to ignore it, for she moved through the room to Doug to give him a hug.

  “Congratulations, sweetheart,” he told her.

  With all that had gone on with me, I’d forgotten that they’d not seen one another in person since she got married. Doug was pretty much everyone’s father figure, but Blake had held him at arm’s length for quite awhile, as she had done with all of us. She didn’t spill her secrets as easily as I did, but she’d had years’ worth of practice. So everything Doug had heard about her and Chris’s relationship, though true, was hearsay. She’d not uttered word one to him about losing Chris’s baby, keeping it from absolutely everyone for an entire decade, finding the engagement ring Chris had kept in his underwear drawer for an equally long amount of time, or going to the courthouse the very next day after finding said ring to make things legal. She’d just gone and done it.

  Blake was a woman of steel.

  Me, I crumbled at the mere thought of feeling more than sexual attraction towards a member of the opposite sex. Of course, it didn’t help matters that the choice to keep things under the rug wasn’t my own.

  Chris and I stayed over to the side while Doug and Blake spoke quietly. She stuck out her left hand, displaying the small diamond he’d gotten her back when he was twenty-one and she eighteen, the same ring that had remained with him even when she’d pushed him away seemingly for good.

  But Chris had believed, even when she hadn’t, that one day they’d get back together.

  Chris was a man that fought for what he wanted, no matter how long it took for him to obtain it.

  Whatever Doug said to Blake made her laugh, and her eyes swung over to her husband. What I saw reflected in them also filled me with jealousy, even if it filled me with warmth at the same time. A quick glance at Chris confirmed he’d felt nothing but happy electricity. His brown eyes were fluid as melted chocolate, the love he felt for her written all over his face.

  Either one of them would be a worthy confidant in my current predicament. But unfortunately, Will hadn’t afforded me that option. So I was left with my stomach in knots, my immediate future uncertain.

  Fuck.

  “Want to help me with some boxes while they’re playing catch up?” I asked him instead of what I really wanted to.

  “Sure,” Chris said with a shrug.

  As we picked up our first boxes, Doug and Blake got the message and moved forward to help. Though I was more than happy for them to have their reunion, I knew that there were three other people not currently with us who would be awaiting our arrival. We weren’t exactly working on a tight schedule, but it would be rude to keep them waiting.

  “What time are Lauren and Matthew heading over?” I asked in general as we made our way to the parking lot with the first trip.

  “We’re calling them when we pull out of here,” Blake said. “That way, they’ll have plenty of time to get Sadie packed and ready.”

  That made sense. Lauren was intimately familiar with my apartment. She could plot the driving distance in her sleep, make the necessary arrangements and have her daughter settled over at Regina’s place exactly at the time we pulled in the driveway. That was her style and I expected nothing less.

  “And Will’s still coming over to help?” This was directed to Chris, who would know better than anyone else except for myself. I knew without a doubt, of course, that he would be there and hoped my comment seemed flippant enough that it wouldn’t spark further interest.

  “I’m not giving him quite as much lead time.” I heard, rather than saw, Chris smile. “But last I knew, he was still coming too.”

  “Good. That will make everything go that much faster.”

  Also good because I had a feeling that once Will and I were in the same city again, at least a portion of my nervousness would subside. Spending time with him helped immensely with the feelings of inadequacy that plagued me when he wasn’t around. Plus, I had two hours of drive time to figure out a plan that would explain him not leaving when the others did.

  We packed up my Taurus and Blake’s Trailblazer quickly, not wasting any more time. Before I knew it, my apartment was empty and I was ready to vacate the premises. Blake and Chris waited for me in her truck while Doug walked me to the leasing office to drop off my keys.

  On our way back, Doug pulled me aside just out of their view and gave me a big hug.

  “I’m going to miss you, sweetie,” he said.

  If anything was going to break me, it would be that man bestowing the same treatment on me as he had on his daughter several years ago as she set off on her own journey. If anything more was needed to prove that he regarded me with the same love as his own flesh and blood, there it was. And while his words affected me, they didn’t bring tears to my eyes because nothing did.

  That didn’t mean that I wasn’t choked up by his show of emotion.

  “I’ll miss you too, Doug,” I whispered into his shoulder. The words couldn’t have come any louder, even if I tried. I knew he heard me.

  His hand ran down over my hair as he pulled me closer.

  “You deserve everything that’s coming to you,” he continued. “Don’t forget that. I know that you think Blake’s doing you a big favor. Lauren, too. But they need you just as much as you need them. Sometimes, I think they need you more.”

  That was doubtful, but I let him ramble.

  “And about Will,” he said, breaking away from the embrace and holding me at arm’s length so his eyes could really drill the point home, “don’t give up so easily. He’ll open up when he’s ready. You just need to give him time.”

  I nodded like he spoke the truth. I wasn’t convinced, but it was too late to back down now.

  “Be safe.”

  “Always.”

  “More importantly, be happy.”

  “I’ll try.”

  We left it at that, our parting words to one another.

  Doug walked with me over to my car. With Blake and Chris busy making out in the front seat of her truck, they didn’t notice our arrival. I rapped loudly on the driver’s side window of the Trailblazer as I passed to go to the Taurus, startling them both. Doug’s laughter was audible. I flashed them a giant grin.

  Then we pulled out, my car in the lead, and headed to the place I had yet to make my home.

  Chapter Eleven

  It was difficult not to pick up the phone and dial Will’s number as soon as we hit the interstate. The compulsion to hear his voice was nearly overwhelming. I missed him, the final hours before we saw each other again aching through my body. I wanted him to talk me down from my uneasiness, my gut instinct that I was taking everything that we had built in Indianapolis and throwing it away.

  If I’d just had a few more weeks, I could possibly have convinced him to solidify our arrangement as something more. If I had
been able to show him just a handful more times what it could be like in a relationship with me, maybe I’d be heading up to my boyfriend instead of my fuck buddy. Of course, if we’d had that extra time, maybe the memories we’d ended up making in Indianapolis wouldn’t have been so sweet. Urgency pressed your hand a bit, made you do things that you wouldn’t normally.

  Either way, I knew I couldn’t very well hold the phone to my ear the entire two hour drive with Blake and Chris following behind me. They’d notice that and question me. I also couldn’t lie and tell them that I’d been talking to Lauren, because she wouldn’t be in the position to back me up. Her looking clueless wouldn’t do anything to help my cause.

  I cursed my car for being made in an era prior to Bluetooth. If I owned something newer like Lauren’s Sonata, I could just chat with him the whole time, his voice coming discreetly through my speakers. I could have pretended that I sang along to the radio the whole way there.

  So instead I drove in silence, my mind rushing through a million different scenarios as the miles passed. Most of them were not favorable. I already wasn’t doing well with Doug’s advice of not giving up and being happy.

  About thirty minutes before we reached Lauren’s - or rather, my - house, I saw Chris lift his own phone to his ear and start talking. I knew it was Will on the other end, and my heart squeezed painfully. It wasn’t fair that Chris got to talk to him and I didn’t.

  The Jeep was noticeably absent from the neighborhood when we arrived. Matthew’s Camry, however, wasn’t. He’d parked at the curb in front of the house, leaving the driveway for his sister and me. I pulled in on the side closest to the door, while Chris demonstrated his superior driving skills by backing in the Trailblazer next to me. Smoothly, as though he could have done it with his eyes shut.

  Lauren came out of the front door, Matthew not far behind. As I’d predicted, they were already Sadie-free. This was verified by the wave that my best friend gave not to me, but clear across the street to her daughter, who was clutched in Regina’s arms. Also as I’d predicted, the welcoming committee that was Regina in its entirety was already present. I turned in Regina’s direction and gave a wave of my own.