Fallen

by Quiana

  I didn’t feel the least bit sorry for myself or angry at Kai. I just took it for what it was. I was having sex with him and wasn’t using protection, what happens when you do that? You get pregnant. There was also the fact that I already knew what I wanted to do. I wasn’t a young girl left to make the decision of starting a family or dealing with a man that I wasn’t sure what the future held. I had my family and I knew there wasn’t a future for Kai and I. Our little fantasy had gone too far and was coming to an end. Even if Kai wanted to keep the baby I wouldn’t have done it. Yes it would’ve been nice to give a man his first child, but I’ve accomplished that already. And who knew, maybe this was the little girl that I always wanted growing inside of me. That was a thought I would just have to live with for the rest of my life because I didn’t want her bad enough to find out.

  Home life would never be the same. Too many life changing events had occurred for me to look at Kai the same. I began to hate the child that was tying me to him inside of me and I couldn’t wait to go to my appointment. As I waited for the next 48 hours to pass I kept my distance from Kai. He didn’t seem to mind because he always needed an excuse to be out the house. He was gone and I didn’t just mean in the physical sense. He was far from being intrigued by me anymore. The fling that we had was filled with more drama than anything and it was a countless trial of testing boundaries, for him anyway. I guess it was just the thrill of the situation that kept him around but the fact was we had very little in common. At one point I thought we did. It appeared that our motherless backgrounds and the shallow things that we shared would give us grounds to meet on. Overall we were nowhere near being the same person. Whoever said opposites attract was a liar. Opposites only attract when referring to magnets not people. He could never offer what I needed in a man and I was too far past the woman he needed to have. I had traveled so far back into time to be the woman I thought he needed and I never thought that if I needed to change he didn’t need me around in the first place. While he was gone I would spend time online apartment searching but I still hoped that I could return to my home.

  On top of everything I needed my hair done. As a woman when your appearance is off and your house isn’t clean it affects your whole way of thinking. My dew was past being in need of being done, but I wouldn’t dare call Tiffany. I had played with it myself for a couple of days but I was hardly a hairdresser! I called my old girl Vicki to make an appointment, it was time to take the weave out and start fresh. I needed to find the real me underneath of all this mess. I was ready for some changes, a lot of changes.

  The day came for my abortion and I was ready for it to be over before it got started. The waiting room didn’t feel so cold this time. Maybe it was because I knew that the room was filled with lots of other females waiting to make the same choice. I did have to tell one person about the abortion of course. I had Porscha there so she could take me home after my sedation. To my surprise she didn’t judge or nag at me when I came to her about my abortion. I think she had a clear understanding of how I was feeling and she just wanted to be there for me. She also listened as I told her about me wanting to leave Kai. I know hearing those words made her happy but she held that in also and just gave me her shoulder to lean on and her ear to listen.

  The procedure went through as expected and Porscha took me to lunch afterwards. I didn’t eat anything. I was too drowsy to even attempt trying to eat. I sat through watching her swallow her food practically in silence. She tried to make small talk but she could tell I wasn’t really in the mood. She wanted me to stay at her house but I needed to go home. To my surprise I felt depressed about aborting my baby once everything began to kick in. I wanted to see Kai and tell him about what I had done. I felt a small drop of guilt for never telling him about me being pregnant. Not only that, but I wanted to explain to him how I was feeling inside. I needed for him to understand that I was hurting inside and that he needed to be by my side. Even though I didn’t want to be with him, now we shared something between us that would always exist.

  Porscha gave me a hug and a kiss, and reminded me that she was there if I needed someone to talk to. I was happy to see Kai’s car out front. He had been gone so much lately it was often a surprise to see it there when I would come home. Kai was sleep on the couch with the TV on and marijuana in the air. I didn’t want to wake him so I left the TV on and sat in the living room chair watching the comedy show that he had left on, and waited for him to wake. My TV watching was interrupted by the buzzing of his cell phone going off on vibrate. Ignoring the first couple of rings, I eventually decided I should pick it up or it would keep going off until it was answered.

  From looking over Kai’s shoulder at night while he zig zagged his code into the phone, I knew his password. The top of the screen scrolled the words of the alarming text message, but I could only see the beginning, which said: I don’t know why I played your game! You need to tell her…

  Of course I clicked on the rest of the message to finish reading the text: I don’t know why I played your game! You need to tell her the truth before I do. So what if you’re trying to respect your man you didn’t respect him when you started fucking her! I mean I like her too Kai but it is what it is and nothing’s going to change. So what are you going to do????

  The message was from Tiffany and I felt that flushed feeling all over again. I snatched up the phone and walked upstairs to finish reading all of the messages. My heart raced as I took it back to the first message in the series. I could tell he had been erasing them because they started in the middle of a conversation:

  Ok so your little plan for a threesome didn’t work so now how are you going to explain getting me pregnant?

  IDK I’ll figure something out

  Figure something out? You better figure it out fast! I only gave you this much time because I thought I could have some fun with her too before you broke her heart

  I got shit on my mind Tiff I’m not thinking bout that right now

  What do you mean you’re not thinking about it! I have your baby in me and you’re playing like it’s a game! I’m not gonna keep letting you stay over here while she’s still in your house

  You didn’t care about her being in my house when you was fucking me and still doing her hair. Listen I’m gonna tell her just give me some time. That’s my man’s mom. I’m not just putting her out like that I gotta make her want to leave but I need it to be on good terms, me and Jason just getting cool again. You feel me boo?

  Yes baby I’ll give you some time you coming over here tonight?

  Yes

  Ok I’ll see you later

  I guess he never showed and that’s what spurred the last text. I was furious! My mind raced with cluttered thoughts making it difficult to decide what my next move would be. I wanted to kill him! I wanted to kill the both of them and in the emotional mind frame I was in I could’ve made it happen.

  CHAPTER 10

  I didn’t kill Kai and Tiffany. I didn’t even mention to him that I knew. While keeping my distance in the bedroom I tried to play the game like everything was normal. I was playing a young girls game with an old soul, I wanted to maintain my cool, but seek revenge on both of them the smart sensible way. I didn’t want them to label me as the crazy old lady like they would’ve if I flipped his house upside down or destroyed his car. And I certainly wasn’t going to give Jason more of a reason to be ashamed of his mom. No, I wasn’t going to let them see me get out of character. That was always the icing on the cake for people who wanted to take advantage of you and hurt you. Letting them see that they’ve gotten the best of you was always the cherry on top of the drama sundae, and in the words of Kai, I don’t let nobody eat off of me. I had to remind myself that I indulged in this kind of story all the time. Usually in daytime soap operas where someone often ends up dead or poisoned, but also at work. This situation, though not entirely, but in a way reminded me of Joe and Tori.

  Joe had allowed Tori into her home and into her bedroom. They devised
a scheme to wrap Joe’s husband, Mike, into their affair in order to have the best of both worlds. Now, while Joe was falling for Tori, Mike was falling for Tori, and Tori could care less about either of them, it was just a game for her. What Tori didn’t realize was that she was the factor in every part of the equation. Her selfish ways is what brought them together and was also her burden. Now she was wrapped up in a web that she couldn’t break from. Her personal life and work life was filled with drama that could only end in disaster.

  Even worst, Joe was developing a love for Tori that would never work. Baby dreams floating on a cloud filled with lustful desires was nothing more than a fantasy. That’s where Joe was losing it. She hadn’t gotten a grip on reality and was happy being lost in fantasy. That’s the problem with everyone. We get lost in the realm of our dream world and never come to terms that we have to wake up. Some of us would rather sleep because in sleep we can lose control and just drift. When we mix our reality with our fantasies that’s when we lose control of what we can control, the real world. Now what you’ve done is lost control in both worlds, so when are you awake and when are you dreaming? Yes fate plays its part their too, but we have control over our actions. It’s no longer a fantasy when it becomes reality; you just better hope that your dreams are worth making come true.

  I didn’t know where I fit into the picture. Maybe I was Joe. Maybe I was the selfish person who wanted to have a husband and a boyfriend, and who was willing to ruin a marriage just to have fun. Somewhere in the mist of having fun I lost touch with the fact that it was only supposed to be fun. Kai was nothing more than a fantasy that should’ve never been played out. He was something to look at, something to dream about but not something to have. Maybe Kai was Tori. Recklessly involving himself in affairs that he knew he had no intentions on building into relationships. He was just having fun for the moment tearing down structures just to get a good laugh and a night of pleasure. Perhaps Tiffany was Tori. Trying to have a piece of each end of the pie, well I guess she could be Joe too.

  There’s too many Joe’s and Tori’s walking around this earth; those who aren’t satisfied with what they have and are always looking for more. Exploring other options that aren’t really options in the first place and getting lost in a fantasy, which causes them to lose control of reality.

  Even worse there were too many Mike’s. Mike, like Jay, was strung along for the ride of other people’s intentions. He was nothing more than a pawn in a game being used as a setup for a bigger move. Yes he did try to keep the relationship between he and Tori going, but that was at Tori’s control. He was already introduced to the idea and placed in their game. He never had control of the situation or his role in it in the first place. Jay didn’t have any control over his role in me and Kai’s relations, and I had no control over Kai’s and Tiffany’s. We were all just pawns in someone else’s game.

  Now that I passed my drug test and my job was secure I had lined up several appointments to view apartments. I wanted to go back home, and talking to Jay about that option was my next move, but I wanted to be prepared. I also knew that even if I was ever given that chance it wouldn’t be today. We would have a long road of repairs ahead of us and there was no telling how that Journey would end.

  Regardless of how I was trying to keep the messages that I found concealed, I couldn’t forget them. I hated Kai. Not only was he cheating but he wasn’t using protection. He was being careless and didn’t think about me or my body. Tiffany, she was the lowest of the low! How could you sleep with someone else’s man and not use a condom? If he isn’t using one with you wouldn’t you assume that he wasn’t using one with his actual woman?

  Well smart revenge was the best revenge and that’s exactly how I planned on playing my pawns. I decided that it was time for me to get my hair done. I called Tiffany as if the attempt for the threesome or the baby never happened.

  “Hey Tiff are you busy today?” I asked in my normal hey girl voice that I always used when addressing her. I could tell she was caught off guard but didn’t want to show signs of guilt in her voice.

  “Um no Ramae I’m not busy. Listen I –“

  “Well do you think that you can do my hair today? I haven’t had it done by you in weeks so you can only guess how it’s looking! I’ll talk to Kai to make sure you get paid.”

  “Yea well about that…I don’t need the pills I’m trying to lay off of them. And about the other night-“

  Once again I cut her off because the goal was to get her over to the house and talk one on one. “Girl don’t worry about the other night, we’ve all tried our luck a time or two, I know I have. You lucky you pretty! Cause if you we’re ugly or fat I would’ve smacked the shit out of you!” I joked and she let out a laugh also. “And that’s good that you’re off the pills…so am I, but we’ll talk about that later I need my hair done! So what time will you be ready? I’m thinking around 5.”

  “Ok no problem 5 should be ok. And don’t worry about the money today Kai can pay me later, or will he be there?”

  Yea I’m sure she wanted to know if Kai would be around. I assured her that he wasn’t going to be home and that she would get her pay later when he was around. What I should’ve said was that she was going to get her payback real soon!

  It was Tuesday, so I knew Kai would be playing basketball with his friends around that time, or at least that was the story he always told. Once the trust is gone everything seems like a lie. Then again, once you know that you’re leaving, the truth doesn’t even matter. I couldn’t wait to get off of work. I had to rush to the house to prepare myself to have a little fun with the both of them. I started setting things up by calling Kai. I knew he wasn’t going to answer which was exactly what I wanted.

  “Hey Kai, I know I’ve been tripping lately and I haven’t been acting like myself but I really want to explain it to you and make it up to you. I’ll see you when you get home. I just ask that you are open to forgive me and to open your heart. Ok baby?” I left the voicemail in the most apologetic voice I could dig up in my system. Hopefully he wouldn’t check his messages until later in the night after I got Tiffany out of the way.

  They say stress is the silent killer well I was about to do my job to take both of them out, well at least use Tiffany to take out Kai. Me playing them against each other would not only be the classy way to seek revenge, but it would also be fun to watch. Young girls have a tendency to react to love in a tacky way that only made them look foolish. So I had no doubt in my mind that Tiffany would act in such a way if Kai broke her heart. Not only that, but Tiff was another Philly chick, and the only way we’re taught to react is in a crazy way. Reacting in a crazy manner is usually justified by heartbreak. So stress mixed with insanity would be a good show to watch tonight.

  By the time 5 o’clock came I was eager to see my friend Tiffany! I opened the door for her and gave her my usual friendly greeting as she walked through the front of the house. I even took the time to show her some new things that Kai had added to the house since her last visit and made sure to appear to be extra happy when mentioning his name. The smell of baked BBQ chicken cooking in the oven filled the air, while a bowl of freshly prepared homemade mashed potatoes and string beans waited on the stove for Kai to come home.

  “Mmmm it smells good in here Ramae you cookin?”

  She watched me as I walked over to the fridge to take out a can of buttermilk biscuits. Now what kind of dumb question was that it was obvious that I was cooking!

  “Yea Tiff it’s a big day today I wanted to cook something special for Kai. You better start cooking for these men out here, they have to know you can do more than just lay on your back” I poked fun at her but she didn’t notice. She was too busy looking around at all the work I was doing for her baby father.

  “O yea well I’m starting to cook more, I’m trying to learn some things from you.” I knew it was a small jab but it was a small one.

  I reached for the shampoo and conditioner and leaned over the sink
waiting for her to begin lathering up my hair. I made small talk while she scrubbed away, which was hard for me to get through. I wanted to choke her ass but I maintained my composure. I caught her up on small things that had been going on and before I knew it, she appeared to be her normal self in front of me. I liked her more when she was uncomfortable because now I knew she was just a backstabbing whore.

  When she finished washing my hair I sat in the chair waiting to get blow dried. Now as much as I wanted to mess with the girl’s head, I wanted my hair done also. So as she went through the long process of straightening my hair I dragged myself through the meaningless conversation until she was almost done curling it. Once she began curling the back of my head, I sparked up the true conversation that she was over the house to have.