Unlovely Things (Love By Design Book 2)

by M. C. Cerny

  “Is that fair to Damien?”

  “Fair to–hey, whose side are you on?” I asked half howling.

  “Yours unless you’re being stupid.”

  “Well, then let me be stupid.”

  13

  Damien

  “Dame, tell me again why you needed me to drive your ass to the drug store today?” I could have walked given the distance in our town wasn’t something to worry about, but when you’re in for a penny, you’re in for a pound with this group. I had no doubt that Taylor speed dialed her fiancé to come rescue me from my post-Kristen-induced-depression. Hopping out of Hunter’s truck letting the door slam shut I thought about how this whole situation was my fault. I was mad about a past indiscretion that was anything but a misunderstanding to a teenage mind. I was pissed at the cocky cop that felt the need to ram my ass with the book when I was barely over the limit. Another stupid mistake I would never live down now that everyone in town knew and had an opinion on what happened.

  I replied because Hunter was silently tapping his fingers against my mind waiting for an answer and we both knew it. “Because I’m not about to tell Kristen I don’t have my driver’s license, fuck face.”

  I called Hunter right after I left her house hopefully saving Taylor the minutes on her phone plan. I knew the girls would be too busy discussing girl shit to notice where Hunter picked me up from.

  “Charming. You know, I’ve probably got a box of condoms somewhere in the house I don’t need.” Hunter grabbed my shoulder pushing me around. I did not want to think about my cousin and Taylor having sex because it’s wrong no matter how hot she’s always been, it’s like little sister vibes, and you don’t go there. You don’t ever break the bro-code on something like that. Not only that, but there was no way in hell I was taking my cousin’s opened box of rubbers, what were we sixteen again?

  “I’m not having sex with her.” I lied and I’m not sure why I felt a bit defensive, it wasn’t like anyone would believe me either way.

  “Oh, ho!” Hunter clutched his hand to his chest in mock offense ribbing me good. “I didn’t think you were. Kristen wouldn’t touch you with a ten foot pole if she was paid.”

  “Thanks, asshole.” He was wrong for once. I punched Hunter’s solid wall of a chest to make my point, but he brushed it off chuckling as we walked inside the drug store. I was a man on mission. A mission to not get my balls hacked off by the moodiest female I had the displeasure to be friends and occasional lovers with at a distance.

  “Yo, family planning aisle is over here.” Hunter beckoned me, but I shook my head no, instead heading for forbidden territory. The place no sane man should cross unless fettered into a seriously committed relationship. I wasn’t but I was here anyway running through the crosshairs of confusion.

  “Are you fucking for real?” Hunter groaned, crossing his arms over his chest staring at the rows of feminine hygiene products the same as me. “I gotta go wash my hair, douche, let me know when I should pick you up.” He turned to leave, but I grabbed his shirt stalling him.

  A helpless feeling overwhelmed me and I whispered to him from the side of my mouth, my eyes never leaving the boxes in fear they might jump off the shelf at me. “I didn’t know there were… so many?”

  Huffing out a strained breath, Hunter pulled out his phone. “I’m calling Taylor Jane.” I smacked his hand to stop him from involving TJ. I didn’t need everyone in town knowing my business. It was bad enough Evan liked to threaten to arrest me on a nearly weekly basis.

  “No. No, don’t do that. Are you kidding me, she’ll never let me forget this.” I was ready to panic. I was already panicking. It wasn’t the tiny pictures of expanding cotton and strings; it was the thought that Kristen could weave them together like a well braided noose to hang me if I screwed up.

  Crafty girls… be crazy girls.

  Hunter grabbed me by the shoulders and looked me in the eye, a serious glint raking me over. “Dude, I’m not going to let you forget it. Grab the super plus and let’s go.”

  “What if that’s not the right kind?” Suddenly I’m worried my life hangs in the balance of not fucking up this one task. Kristen will never give me a shot at redeeming my asshole status.

  “Women do this for half their lives, I’m sure a tampon is a tampon.” Hunter seemed sure, but I was not. Is there a wrong kind that will send her off the deep end?

  “So you’ve never been sent to fetch tampons before?” Hunter rolled his eyes. I relented slapping my hand against his chest. “Maybe you should call Taylor after all.”

  He grunted, “Yeah, I thought you’d see reason.” Hunter walked down the aisle pulling his phone out again to call Taylor. Now I felt mortified. Kristen practically dared me to buy tampons to prove I’m comfortable doing these sorts of tasks given the womanizer status I’ve clutched onto with my cramped ironclad hands all these years.

  Hunter returned slipping his phone back in his pocket, scratching his chin thoughtfully before speaking. The back of his neck looked a shade of pink I hadn’t seen before.

  “Well? What did she say?” Is it weird that I’m dying to know because I’ve never seen my stoic cousin look so perplexed?

  “Super plus and the panty liners, Dove dark chocolates with the sea salt and caramel, and a liter of ginger ale.”

  “Dark chocolate?” I wouldn’t have pegged Kristen as a dark lover, but maybe it had special vitamins and shit in it. Hunter’s face did not invite conversation about the finer qualities of chocolate density.

  “Are you questioning, my girl?” Hunter had that caveman looking going. I decided it wasn’t worth pursuing a black eye before the bachelor party I was planning.

  “Nope. No questions here.”

  “Garb the shit and let’s go.”

  “Okay… so one of each to be safe?” He grunted again nodding and I passed off the liter of ginger ale to him. “Maybe some trashy girly magazines too?”

  “Duh, Kristen is psycho on her cycle. I’m not stupid, are you?” Muttering about crazy females I loaded my arms up with every People Weekly, US, and tabloid I can while Hunter filled his arms with his own ration of chocolates and soda.

  “So do you want to drop this off as a drive by or are you planning on staying? I can keep the truck idling, but if she answers the door with a sawed off shot gun you’re on your own, cousin.”

  “Definitely a drive by.” I told Hunter as I pulled my wallet out to pay. There was no way I was staying unless Pebbles verbally indicated she wished for my presence and even then I would question her sanity. I loved her but right at this moment the way things were between us I wasn’t about to let it consume me if she couldn’t make up mind about what she wanted. I walked out of the drug store spending over a hundred dollars on tampons, trashy mags, and snacks in a combo of sweet and salty wondering where the hell I dropped my man card in all of this.

  14

  Kristen

  “What are you doing?” Taylor’s voice questions all my crafting paraphernalia, her eyes darting to the hot pink glitter sprinkled all over my coffee table like a pack cocaine fairies visited me. I probably should have locked my front door when I decided to start doing this project.

  “Um, I call this upgrading mail.” I said pouring out a little bit of hot pink sparkle into my palm.

  Damien dropped off my period rations knocking on my door. I barely had it opened to watch him jog down the street and get into Hunter’s truck. I waved at them both with my middle finger raised in thanks before shutting the door. I couldn’t blame him for being a chicken shit when I had my moments of certifiable insanity. If I couldn’t stand being in my own skin, I could hardly ask others to tolerate me either.

  It was the pop up memories on social media that triggered this bout of craziness.

  “Well it looks like your steaming the envelopes to open them up undetected.” Taylor picked up an envelope I just finished resealing turning it over with an accusing eye. “I didn’t realize you were blinging a crime scene or cr
eating a meth lab for bedazzlers.”

  I grabbed the envelope back adding it to my pile, “Don’t give me that look. He deserves every shiny sharp bit of misery inside that envelope.” I pointed my finger at her.

  “Because he dropped off your period supplies?”

  “He brought me dark chocolate instead of the milk chocolate Dove squares.” I thought the explanation should have been sufficient. Didn’t matter if I wanted both or none of the above, I was flying on my irrational radar this week and all bets were off.

  “And because he did exactly what you wanted, you’re punishing him?” I looked up blankly. I hated when she was right.

  “Quiet.” I said.

  “You’re being exceptionally bitchy and I can’t help with you with that.”

  ‘Then why point out the obvious?” I husked back. She was right, I hated when she was right and nine times out of ten my BFF was always right.

  “Is that why you’re wearing your break up unicorn pajamas? This is all over the wrong milk density of chocolate?” I looked down and spied the rainbow mess and unicorn pattern dancing across my chest. I’d worn them during every boy crisis since my fourteenth birthday. We had more than a decade of memories woven into the cotton of these pajamas; they were definitely the fabric of my life. Taylor had a pair with kittens chasing yarn, but I don’t mention them. She’s only had one true love and I felt like I got handed a shitty deck of cards.

  “Whatever. I haven’t done laundry this week.” A twisted eyebrow tells me Taylor knows I’m bullshitting her. It doesn’t help that a completely clean pile of folded laundry is resting on the edge of the couch. I use my elbow to knock it over. “See, nothing to wear here.” Shrugging off my childish behavior, I go back to steaming another envelope over the candle flame I set up on my coffee table.

  “You’re tampering with mail which I’m sure is still a federal offense. You do remember the last time you two were arrested for disturbing the peace, right?” How could I forget? And it was actually just me because I got into a fight with that skank Hunter had been seeing briefly. Taylor’s my best friend so I couldn’t let that hoe-bag come between them. I’m sure there was a clause somewhere in the bestie code book where she needed to be extra nice to me during my current turmoil for having her back.

  “Hey, your boyfriend still owes me for defending your honor to that bitch, Brittany.” It was a good thing I had been fooling around with Evan at the time who happened to come by the house. All he did was bring me down to the station on some formalities and let me go with a ticket because he had to give me something, and dick didn’t count while he was on duty… which was honestly a pity because his was super fine. Blame my raging hormones if you must.

  “You need a babysitter.” She says this every time, but we know it’s only because our lives are changing drastically at the speed of light. She was my wing-woman for years, and I’m nothing but a wild monkey from Oz flying free without her.

  “Yeah, and that’s kind of your fault, my dear.” I pointed a glitter encrusted finger at her with my misplaced anger.

  “Speaking of, what’s going on with Evan? Or Damien? Or whoever it is this week?”

  “Evan kind of broke up with me, even though we weren’t really together. More of a have a nice life kind of thing.”

  She pushed my pointer finger away, “Oh honey, I am always here for you.” I knew this but I couldn’t wrap my mind around my best friend in the whole world taking up with a dude on a permanent basis–even if that dude was Hunter Hart and perfect for her. It was stupid and I felt the acid of tears burn my eyes.

  I dropped the envelope into my pile of confiscated mail from Demon’s place. I don’t read any of it, but I do glitter bomb it. I think one of them is a car insurance bill, and a flyer for our local school board elections. “Pfft. Demon should know better than to open up the Publisher’s Clearing House letter just to send it right back to them. He only does it to jack them for the postage costs.”

  “Heaven forbid a man has his quirks.” Taylor threw her hands up in the air pretending exasperation. “Don’t you think this is a bit more effort than it’s worth?”

  “Are you kidding me? He was so pissed when the glitter dicks came in the mail I just about peed myself.”

  “Well, you did pee yourself that time he pranked you with the Ghost Hunters.”

  Clearing my throat, I give her my best southern accent. “Why, Taylor Jane Bryant, that’s probably the saltiest thing you’ve said to me in all our years of friendship, accusing me of public urination.” Holding my hand against my chest, we both cracked a smile cackling with laughter.

  “Hardly… I think Hunter and I should coordinate side by side plots at the cemetery in town, so you two can be buried together for all eternity when you’re finished killing one another.”

  “Damn, that’s harsh, but dying first does have its perks.” I tapped my glue and glitter coated nail against my lip thinking about the logistics.

  Smiling, Taylor rolled her eyes and we both knew I was one hundred percent not kidding. “I’m afraid to ask.”

  “Think about it, I’ll get to haunt his ass for the rest of his days! What could possibly be better than that?” My fist pumps make it rain sparkles and I laughed dancing in my seat. This would be a hell of a mess to clean up later and I would be kicking myself if all the glitter killed my vacuum cleaner.

  “Are you sure you just don’t want to marry him, I mean that’s like the next best thing, a lifetime of misery for you two right there.” I would never admit to my best friend how much that interested me in the slightest. I spied her pretty diamond ring from the corner of my eye that glittered more than all the craft glitter on my coffee table with a purity that reflected my loneliness in a stark and glaring light. I had to beat down the green eyed monster of jealousy as she spoke and bring the conversation back to its lighter tone.

  “Nah, I couldn’t do cool shit like walk through walls and spy on him in the shower reminding him how his dick curves ever so slightly to the right.” I also thought about how it pressed thick inside his jeans when I leaned into him and we made out when no one was watching. His hips would turn up to meet might and rest heavy against my center making me whimper as we fought for control over the other. The attraction was heady and complicated.

  “It’s truly disturbing how much you’ve thought this through, Kristen, and how much I never knew you knew about his junk.” Taylor’s right, but it’s the best kind of disturbing behavior I’ve indulged in, perhaps in years.

  “So I’ll see you at Easton’s later tonight?” I asked.

  “Of course. Can I expect a spectacle of fireworks?”

  “Summer’s half over, anything is possible.” I smiled.

  15

  Damien

  I watched Kristen dance to the band currently playing cover songs from our high school youth. Ricky Martin’s, She Bangs quickly becomes Katy Perry’s, I Kissed A Girl and Taylor blushed over something Kristen whispered in her ear on the dance floor while a dark haired girl I didn’t know dances with them in their private little group.

  A bunch of us guys are standing at the bar, Andy is filling drinks, a red headed waitress ran back and forth delivering to tables and I watched the girls in case they need me to intervene. Damn, my life was hard sometimes as I sighed into my drink where I dragged out a sip of sweet beer letting the carbonation bubble in my mouth.

  Kristen’s jean shorts frayed at the bottom and cupped her hot ass. I’d have given my right arm to touch the spot where her cheeks creased her legs, but I figured she cut my arm off if I tried. Dancing and swaying to the beat of the music playing, she looked over her shoulder for a second, and our eyes briefly caught for a moment. Kelly Clarkson’s Behind Those Hazel Eyes belted out from the stage and I’m pulled onto the floor following her hips like a lost puppy dog. Damn that killer smile of hers, it never failed to get me going. Not the one that says she’s got my balls in a vice grip for a change, but the one that says she sees me for me, and
lets go of all the baggage from our past. It gave me hope, but the look was fleeting as the sky changing before a storm. The air charged with electricity and power, the lull temporary like the eye of the hurricane. The moment is quickly gone and I’m standing in the middle of the dance floor alone while my chest aches missing it.

  She had no clue she affected me like this and I hesitate to think about telling her ever what it means. Looking at her made me think if she only knew it would be game over for my sorry ass. As it were, she already owned my soul. I loved Kristen Calloway and the odds were seriously stacked against me. We were on a path charted for mutual homicide at the rate we were going, and that fucker Evan Rooney reveled in it.

  She could be talking shit about me in Easton’s when she doesn’t think I’m listening, or humming a damn song two generations too old for her and in those strange moments there’s just something about her. Something I love wholly and irrevocably.

  “Someone has the beat over there.” Hunter sidled up next to me handing me a fresh beer.

  “I could say the same to you.” I used my beer bottle to point in the girl’s general direction and watched Hunter zero in on his fiancée. Sucker. For once, it felt good to know I wasn’t the only Hart male who was owned by a woman.

  He surprised me by adding, “Yes, but mine only scratches when I ask her nicely.” The comment has me choking on my beer wishing I could scrub the visual from my eyes. Little T-Rex was like a sister to me and I would never–ever think of her as anything else.

  “Dude, we’re family. Could you not go there?” Hunter laughed because it’s rare he ever says anything objectifying about Taylor. Even if she heard him, he could probably get away with it pleading the fifth. Me? Not so much. I guessed that’s the problem when you build a carefree and reckless reputation, damn thing stuck like glue… and glitter–lots of irritating glitter. I was going to have to get Kristen to stop doing that to my mail. It ceased being cute after the second letter exploded in my eye necessitating a trip to the ER for an eye flush. The nurses on duty had a nice little chuckle over that while my place was becoming quite the fairy shit show. I dared not bring any females over for fear that Kristen would pop out of the closet to stab one. For frenemies she was particular and possessive about who hopped on the Demon Train to Hell even when she was throwing me back in the pond every opportunity she got.