Heartless

by Vanessa Marie

  "I know I only hung out with her once, but she was so nice to me and it was giving me a panic attack not being here. I went by your classroom, Mr. Greyson, but you weren't there. So I just left before my next class."

  Sam flushed and leaned his forearms on his knees, and closed his eyes. He couldn't bring himself to look at Callie. The situation was wrong, but he loved her and he wasn't some creep. Callie wouldn't see it that way, as a mom, how could she?

  "Say that again?" Callie said, in a hollow tone.

  "I don't understand." Sarah looked back and forth between them.

  "Where were you all when Charlie collapsed?"

  "In Mr. Greyson's class," Sarah said, and gestured to him.

  "Mr. Greyson?" Callie asked, with her eyebrows drawn together scowling at Sam.

  He lifted his head to look at her Fuck, this is going to get ugly. He should have known coming to the hospital was a bad idea, but he couldn't sit by idly and not be there.

  "Hall now," Callie growled. She stood and marched down the hall until they were out of ear shot of everyone. He followed her as he tried to brace himself for what was about to happen. He felt like he was going to be murdered in the middle of the ICU hallway, and he was sure no one would try and stop it.

  "What in the hell is going on? Please tell me there is another explanation for what I just heard."

  "There's not," he said, and leaned his back against the wall, crossing his arms over his chest.

  "You are her teacher, Sam? Please tell me you are not one of those sick assholes that prey on students," she screamed.

  Before he even had the chance to respond she was in front of him with her finger in his face.

  "I am the only mother that girl has ever known and I'll be damned if I let someone come in and take advantage of her. You are her teacher, are you kidding me?"

  "Callie, I didn't know and neither did she. This all started the first day I saw you both at the cafe and you were the one that told me her name, I didn't know."

  "Well obviously you found out and that didn't stop you. This cannot happen. This better be over and it better be over now, do you understand me?" she yelled as she poked him in the chest.

  "It is, but I couldn't just stand by while she is in here fighting for her life."

  Callie shoved against his chest."Dammit, Sam. Do you understand how wrong this is?"

  "I know."

  She paced while she ran her fingers through her hair. "Then why in the hell did you do it?"

  "I love her, Callie," he said, and held her gaze. A large dark haired man was running down the hall toward them. She turned to look at Sam and closed the small distance between them.

  "This conversation is not over."

  All he could do was nod. The man coming toward them had to be Charlie's dad. He stopped in front of them and pulled Callie into a hug, and nodded to Sam.

  "What the hell happened Cal? Where is she? Where is my baby girl? I thought they said the last surgery was the last one," he rambled out.

  "Come on, I'll take you back to talk to her nurses." Callie grabbed his hand and pulled him toward the ICU double doors.

  Sam leaned his head back against the wall as the reality of what just happened sank in. He made his way back over to the waiting room and sat down with his head in his hands. Someone patted him on the back as they sat down next to him.

  "That looked pretty lethal. You okay?"

  "I'm fucked. Sarah didn't hear anything, did she?"

  "No, we could hear her yelling but not what she was saying."

  "Good."

  "I told her she yells when she's upset and probably wanted the rundown of what happened."

  "Thanks."

  Sarah was across the room and she watched them close. Sam wondered if she knew and if he was that transparent? There is no way she could know, could she? Maybe he was reading into it too much. He felt claustrophobic all of a sudden and unbuttoned the top two buttons of his shirt. As Callie came back out into the waiting room they jumped up, but she was alone.

  "Anything?" Jules asked.

  "She's still in surgery. Joe is talking to one of the nurses now."

  Callie made eye contact with Sam but her glare was gone. Her eyes were sad and tired. As he turned to leave for a while and collect his thoughts, Joe walked over, stopping him dead in his tracks.

  Joe's lip quivered as he took a deep breath. "They came out while I was back there and said they ran into complications. She said it'll be another couple of hours." He rubbed his face furiously "I can't sit here, I'm going to go walk around. Call me if they come back out." He swallowed hard and walked past them.

  "I think I'm going to take off for a while too. I need some air. Do you guys need anything?" Sam asked the group.

  "I hate hospital food," Jules muttered with a wrinkled nose.

  "Okay, I'll call you on my way back. What's your number?" Jules took Sam's phone from his hands and put his number in and tossed it back to him. He turned to leave after a long glance at Callie not knowing how to read her.

  Lost in thought the entire ride home, his world was upside down and he felt like he was going to drown. When he pulled in the driveway he hoped Alex would be home but her car wasn't in the garage.

  He changed out of his work clothes and pulled on the workout pants he had on the last time she was there. As he sat on the edge of his bed, he ran through everything in his mind of the night before. Maybe he was too rough with her and her body couldn't handle it. Or the stress of their situation was too much for her heart to bare.

  He couldn't let her go. Wanting to hold on to any piece of her he could, he remembered he had a second shirt almost identical to the one she'd taken. Charlie would laugh if she saw it and he hoped for that moment. He dug around frantically in his drawers until he found it and pulled it on.

  As he walked into the living room and sat on the arm of the couch, he decided to call Alex.

  "Hey this is Alex, I'm not available right now, leave me a message and when I'm done knockin' boots I'll call you back. Bye."

  Sam rolled his eyes, he needed her, Alex had always been his rock. "Hey Al, its me. Uh give me a call, talk to you later bye."

  Sam called Jules on the way back to the hospital and stopped to get everyone food. Charlie was still in surgery and they were all in the waiting room where he'd left them earlier. He handed everyone their food.

  "Aren't you going to eat, Sam?" Callie asked, in her mom voice.

  "I'm not hungry." His nerves were in shambles and food was the last thing on his mind. He was worried if Callie had told Charlie's Dad about him. But he figured if he knew, he would have decked him already. Sarah sat across from Sam and stared at him with a puzzled look. It was like she was trying to make sense of something but couldn't put her finger on it. She must have put it together because she locked eyes with his and said. "I know that shirt."

  Sam's eyes went wide as he looked at Jules who mirrored his shock. They both looked back at Sarah. She knows. Fuck.

  CHAPTER FIFTEEN

  It'd been seven hours since she was wheeled into surgery. Sam was exhausted physically, and mentally. He was doing everything he could to keep his shit together. Everyone was sprawled out around the waiting room not really saying much to one another.

  Every time he made eye contact with Sarah he looked away as fast as he could. He felt ashamed and he knew he shouldn't because he loved Charlie, she was of age. But he couldn't help but feel that way because at the end of the day, the situation was wrong, no matter how he tried to spin it. He stood when he saw two surgeons walk out toward them and everyone else jumped up when they noticed them.

  "Is she okay? Did it go okay?" Joe practically shouted at them.

  "Why don't you all take a seat," the surgeon said. Sam's stomach heaved when he heard that, suck it up, Sam. Now is not the time to let your nerves get the best of you. Everyone gathered as close as they could to hear what he had to say.

  "She is as good as can be expected right now. She's
stable, we had to replace her mitral valve. It ruptured and there was no way to repair it. She has another mechanical valve. We did run into a complication while we were in there, so surgery obviously ran longer than normal."

  "Why was there a complication?" Callie asked.

  "She's very ill, and that makes a big difference when in surgery."

  "Is she going to be okay?" Joe asked, on the verge of tears.

  "She should make a full recovery. I'm not going to lie to you or try to sugar coat it, Joe. We've been through too many surgeries together, it was touch and go for a while. But she's strong and pulled through it. She is in the recovery unit right now. She will be intubated and sedated for a while, so when you see her don't be upset. If all is well, we should have her extubated within six hours, but I wouldn't count on it the way things went earlier."

  Jules stood up with his face in anguish."Why are you being all Dr. Doom right now?"

  Callie reached over to him and touched his arm. He yanked it away and crossed his arms over his chest.

  "I'm not trying to be, but this is the third operation I've done on her and I respect Joe and your mom enough to tell them the truth. Charlie is a very complicated patient and I don't believe in sugar coating it. I would rather you have real expectations than get upset when things don't follow the norm. Nothing with Charlie has ever been textbook and I don't expect this to be either."

  Sam walked over to Jules and put his hand on his shoulder. He just wanted him to know that he had his back. Jules seemed to accept the answer he was given and started to pace.

  "So what now?" Joe asked.

  "We wait, see how her vitals are and go from there. I'll have the nurse come get you when you can go back and see her. If I can tell you anything further I will do so."

  The Doctor stood as did Joe and Callie and shook hands.

  "Thanks Doc."

  "Anytime, Joe, Callie," he said, as he shook her hand and then turned to walk back into the ICU doors.

  Sam felt on edge. He wanted to see Charlie but he knew Joe and Callie would never allow it. He walked across the room and took his seat in the corner and Jules followed him.

  "You okay, Sam?"

  "I don't know, this is a lot to process."

  "I know it is. She hasn't had an easy life."

  "Obviously and I don't think I've made it any easier."

  "Look, I know your situation is not ideal, but I have never seen her come alive the way I have when she's with you. That night at the concert, she blossomed into the woman I always knew she could be, if she allowed herself the chance. I think you guys belong together and you'll figure out a way to be."

  "I appreciate you saying that, more than you'll ever know. But your mom and Joe will never allow that to happen, and the school. Oh God, I don't even want to think of those consequences. I mean hell, Sarah knows, I'm fucked."

  "I don't think Sarah will say anything. As far as my mom and Joe go, I don't think my mom said anything to him and give her some time to process. They got hit with a lot today and I think you sticking around during all of this says a lot about you in their eyes."

  Sam shook his head and smiled at Jules. He wondered how this eighteen year old kid had so much insight about life already.

  "You're wise beyond your years, kid."

  "Well, I've had to stand by and watch my best friend fight for her life for as long as I can remember. It robs you of your childhood in a way, not that I'm complaining. I wouldn't change my life but I wish I could change everything she's had to struggle through."

  "Do you know the drill with who is allowed to see her?"

  "Well the last few times, it was an hour or two after she was in recovery we were allowed to go back one by one. It was only for a few minutes but it was better than nothing."

  "How are you doing with all of this? I mean I know you've been through it before, but it still can't be easy."

  "I'm okay I guess. I was so scared earlier when she flat lined. I really thought she was gone this time. She died when we were little and they were able to bring her back. I didn't think she was coming back this time. It was like two minutes before they got her heart beating again in the back of the ambulance." Tears streamed down Jules face and he stared at the floor as he wiped his face on his sleeve.

  Sam patted him on the knee not knowing what to say.

  "I can't even begin to imagine, Jules. I'm sorry you had to deal with that alone."

  "It's okay, It is what it is. Has she ever told you about any of this?"

  "No, she was really hesitant about me seeing her scars. She said she wasn't ready to tell me about it but she would in time."

  "I saw how you blocked everyone from seeing her when they cut her shirt open, thanks for that. I didn't even think about it, I was so afraid I was going to lose her again."

  "That wasn't for them to see. I love her, I really do."

  "I know you do, and I know she loves you even though she may not admit it yet."

  "Do you think they'll let me see her? I mean here."

  "I don't know, but I would like to think my mom understands on some level."

  They talked for a while before a nurse came out and got Joe and Callie. It seemed like no time at all before they came back out and Callie looked like she was trying to keep it together. Joe looked like he'd seen a ghost and Jules jumped up and ran over to his mom. Sam was right on his heels.

  "What happened Mom?"

  "They're rushing her back into surgery, they wouldn't say why. There was a lot of beeping and people rushing in and they told us we had to leave." Callie teared up but didn't cry.

  Sam was in awe of her. He thought about a conversation he'd had with Charlie late one night about Callie. She'd told him how strong she was every time she'd been sick. When everyone else fell apart, Callie was the glue that held everyone together, and that was the same thing he was witnessing.

  Jules wrapped his arms around her and Joe. Tears welled in Sam's eyes. He placed his hands behind his head as he looked at the ceiling. Sarah was in the corner and hadn't said much but looked upset, like she was fighting her tears too.

  Sam started pacing and tried to keep the tears from streaming down his face. The female surgeon that was with Charlie's head surgeon earlier came out. They all tried to compose themselves as she walked over.

  "So, What's going on? Did she not need the first surgery?" Callie asked. Sam's breath caught in his throat and he didn't know what to think.

  "Dr. Brown wanted me to come out and let you know what was going on."

  "Is she going to be okay?" Joe choked out.

  "Her pressure was dropping while she was in recovery. We gave her levophed and dopamine to bring it back up and she was not responding to it at all. Her heart rate went into tachycardia, so the nurse drew blood and gave her more fluid. There was no response to it and her hemoglobin was dropping. She is receiving a blood transfusion now. What we think is happening is blood is going into her pericardial sac. That means the heart is basically being strangled."

  Callie closed her eyes and turned away for a moment. Tears spilled down Jules face and Sam could no longer stop his lip from quivering. Sarah held onto Jules' arm and he could hear her sniffing behind him.

  "Can they fix it, please tell me they can stop it," Sam blurted out.

  "Yes we can, they are getting her prepped now. We will drain all of the blood from the sac and repair the bleeder. Once we do that, we will send her back to recovery and we start the recovery process all over again."

  "Please fix her, She's all I've got," Joe said as he wiped away his tears.

  "We're doing our best. I will be back out with an update as soon as I can. Hang in there. She's very strong willed and she's fighting," she said with a small smile before she hurried away.

  Sam felt so helpless and he needed some air but he didn't want to leave. He hated to let himself feel that raw and needed to keep busy. There was a coffee machine at the end of the hall, so he headed off in that direction. By some miracle t
he hospital had green tea bags next to the coffee.

  Charlie had told him that Callie was the one that got her hooked on tea. He made her a cup and poured a cup of coffee for Joe. He stuck creamer and sugar packets along with stir sticks in his pocket and walked back to the waiting room with their drinks. Callie was sitting by herself, composed, and in deep thought. He offered her the cup and she must have noticed the tea bag or something as he handed it to her.

  "How did you know?" She asked, through a sniffle.

  "Charlie told me once. It's my favorite too believe it or not." He reached in his pocket and offered her the sugar and stir sticks.

  "Thank you, it was very thoughtful."

  He nodded and then walked over to Joe and offered him the coffee.

  "Thanks."

  "Anytime."

  Sam didn't linger, he walked back down the hall and made himself a cup. Jules followed him and bought a soda from the machine.

  "Couldn't stay in there any longer?" Sam asked.

  "Nope, this is hell. Why can't God fuck with someone else? No wonder Charlie doesn't have any faith left."

  Sam turned and leaned against the wall while he took a sip of his tea.

  "Is that why she's covered in angel tattoos?"

  "Yeah pretty much, she got one for every surgery she survived. She said that way they could never leave her side."

  Sam closed his eyes and thought about how each angel wrapped around her body and how they just fit her. She had four. Would she get another one after this surgery? He took a deep breath and looked at Jules.

  "I know this is a dumb question but are you okay?"

  "I think I need some air. I'm going to go for a walk. Will you let my mom know? Call me if they come out before I get back."

  "Will do."

  Jules walked down the hall in the opposite direction of everyone. Sam wished there was something he could do for him, but he knew there wasn't. He walked back to the waiting room.