Heartless

by Vanessa Marie

  "That's the whole point, I don't want to put him through that time and time again. It's better to hurt him now, then to hurt him over and over every time I get sick. You and Callie are stuck with me. He deserves a chance at a normal life, with a normal girl. Not one that's not fighting death every damn day."

  "I understand, but you're taking the decision away from him. It should be his choice whether he stays or goes. You don't know what is going on inside of his head and you're not as smart as I thought, if you don't know what's going on in his heart."

  "You do realize he is my teacher right?"

  "Yes I do, but you are not under age and this wasn't started with that knowledge. Right now, it is an impossible situation until you graduate, but I would much rather you be with a guy like Sam, that truly loves you, than some scum bag your age that will knock you up and run."

  "Thanks for that vote of confidence."

  Charlie sank in her bean bag and stared out the window.

  "I know you're scared of the transplant, and you're allowed to feel that way."

  "I'm not scared."

  "Bullshit. I know you better than you think I do. I know the second you found out, you changed. I've talked to the Doc since then. I also know, that is when your attitude towards everything changed, and not for the better I may add."

  She didn't say anything, he was right and she had nothing to argue with.

  "I think you should sit down and talk to him, he deserves at least that. The man sat in a hospital for you for five days and never complained once about it. All he cared about was being there for you. Let yourself be happy."

  "You're not happy, that's why you work all of the time."

  "You make me happy and so does my work. When your mom died, my entire world changed. I've never found another woman that could even begin to compare to her. I knew she had heart problems and I was willing to take the risk with her anyway. You don't find a love like that everyday. I think that is what you've found in Sam. Don't screw it up."

  "Do you regret being with Mom?"

  "Not for a second. If I had to do it all over again, I would do the same thing. I would fight the same battles and we would struggle together, because in the end, it was all worth it. And she gave me you."

  "Yeah, but you're alone and you're hurting."

  "Charlie, first of all, I'm not alone. I have you. We have Callie, Jules and Matt. They are our family. I miss your mom everyday. Every smile, joke, argument, every moment of time we had together I will cherish, and no amount of pain will ever take that away from me. The only thing that kills me is that you never had the chance to know each other. Because kid, you would have been her entire world and I think she could have made things much easier for you than I have." He let out a breath.

  Hot tears streamed down her face. They'd never had such a candid talk before and she wasn't sure what to think. Joe walked over to her and kissed her on top of the head.

  "Talk to him before its too late."

  She watched him disappear down the stairs and she was alone with her thoughts. She didn't know what to do, so she sat there and cried.

  CHAPTER TWENTY

  Graduation was in a few hours and Charlie couldn't wait for it to be over. She wanted to be done with that part of her life. Sarah was in her room pacing back forth, she couldn't sit still.

  "Dude, chill out, it's going to be fine," Charlie said.

  "How the hell am I supposed to chill out? I have to give a speech in front of like five thousand people."

  "Oh, it's not that many, don't be all dramatic." Charlie threw a pillow at her.

  "Whatevs, I think I'm allowed to be a little freaked out right now."

  "Hey it's your own fault for being the smartest kid in school."

  "Oh, shut up. I don't need logic right now."

  "Just study your stupid little note cards."

  Both girls laughed and Charlie pulled Sarah into a hug.

  "You're going to do great. Don't stress, it'll be fine."

  Sarah took a deep breath and sat down on the couch. Charlie pulled on a pair of cut off jean shorts and a black fitted tank top. She went into the bathroom an curled her hair into loose full curls. She did her make up and as she walked out she saw Sarah studying the cards to her speech. Jules walked into her room in dress pants, a button down dress shirt and a tie.

  "Get dressed, we have to leave in like ten minutes."

  "I am dressed," Charlie said as she put on a pair of socks and slid into her motorcycle boots.

  "You're not wearing that to graduation."

  "Why the hell not? We're going to have gowns on, so who cares what's on under them?"

  "You have to make the simplest things the most difficult."

  "I can't ride my bike in a dress."

  "I thought you were riding with us?"

  "No, I want to take my bike so I can go on a ride once we blow that popsicle stand."

  "Ugh whatever, my mom and your dad are going to be pissed."

  "They'll get over it."

  The three of them met Callie and Joe in the kitchen. Callie took one look at Charlie and shook her head.

  "Why am I not surprised?" Callie huffed.

  "Oh God, not you too."

  "She's going to have a gown on, Cal, what does it matter what she's wearing under it?" Joe asked, like it wasn't a big deal.

  "Thank you, Dad."

  "See Joe, this is you're fault. Her brain works just like yours. I wanted one nice picture of them looking nice together."

  "You can get one of us with our gowns on when we get there," Sarah suggested.

  "Whatever, lets go, we're going to be late," Callie grumbled, and grabbed her keys and purse off the table.

  Charlie handed her gown and a pair of sandals to her dad as she grabbed her helmet off of the counter.

  "Really Charlotte? Your hair looks beautiful and you're going to ruin it in that smelly helmet. Joe, tell her she's not riding, she can go with us."

  "She's fine, Cal, she'll meet us there."

  Callie was pissed and stormed out of the house. Charlie had never seen her that upset about something so trivial before. Maybe it wasn't trivial to her, she didn't know.

  They met in the arena parking lot. Charlie pulled in next to their car. She took off her boots and put on the sandals her dad had brought. She sat her boots down next to her kickstand as she shoved her socks down inside. Then she hooked her helmet on the back of her bike. Joe handed her her gown, she put it on and zipped it up.

  There, she was presentable enough for Callie. They took more pictures than she wanted to be in, but she did it to make Callie happy. It was time for them to head into the arena for the ceremony.

  All of the students met back stage, they were broken into sections by their last names. Once they were seated, Charlie saw Sam on stage with the principal and a few other teachers. She couldn't wait for it to be over. Mr. Thomas stood at the podium and greeted the crowd. Charlie tuned out. She slouched down in her chair and chewed on her tassel. She didn't pay attention until she heard Sam's name.

  "I'm going to turn things over to Mr. Greyson." Everyone clapped and Sam stood from his chair. He adjusted his tie and walked to the podium. He looked gorgeous the way his dark gray slacks fit him just right. The gun metal blue button down he had on made his olive complexion glow and the black tie was just the icing on his muscular cake.

  "My name is Sam Greyson, for those of you who don't know me. I am one of the English teachers. I also teach creative writing, which is where I had the pleasure of teaching and learning from our next speaker. She is a very passionate student and friend to her peers. I watched her blossom and flourish in my class this year. She is a very talented writer and has been accepted to Columbia University. Without further ado I would like to introduce this years Valedictorian, Sarah Drake."

  Charlie joined the crowd in applauding one of her best friends. Sarah strutted across the stage and she looked like she'd found her confidence.

  "I love to write sh
ort stories and from what I'm told, not to toot my own horn, but I'm pretty damn good at it, so toot toot. However, writing a speech like this is nothing like writing a story. In a story, you have full control of the way things happen, you get to choose the plot twists and whether you want the cliff hanger or the unattainable happily ever after. I've learned the last four years that life is nothing like the stories that I write or enjoy reading.

  We don't have control of the wicked curve balls that are thrown at us, but it is our decision on how we choose to handle them. Do we duck and hide? Do we strike out? Or do we swing the bat so hard we knock that bastard into the next millennium? I have no idea why I have made so many baseball references, especially because I hate the sport, but my dad would be proud, so there you go.

  I don't have advice for my fellow graduates. I haven't lived. I haven't experienced life yet. This year I have realized how much of a sheltered life I have lived, as many of you have. We have been given a good foundation here. High school is a small platform for us to build into successful lives. Let us leave here with drive and determination for a better tomorrow.

  I always thought life was black and white. You miss out on a lot when you have that kind of mentality. I experienced things through other peoples eyes for most of my time here. I was always the kid in the background watching everyone else have fun. I was too afraid to put myself out there until I met someone that taught me what life and friendship are really about. This friend of mine has taught me that life is short and you should go for the things you want, because you may not be here tomorrow to experience them.

  I've learned that those wicked curve balls can knock you down so far that you're afraid to get back up. It's funny, because if I had been through the things she has, I'd still be laying in the fetal position rocking back in forth.

  She gets back up every time life knocks her down and I admire her for that. We need to remember everyone has their struggles. The thing I hate to hear more than anything, is there is always someone worse off than you are. That may be true, but it doesn't make your struggles any less important than they were before. Keep in mind that no matter how bad things get, they do get better. Whenever life tries to get you down, I say stand up, brush yourself off and give it the middle finger. Our mothers probably wont appreciate the sentiment in that, but that very gesture may lift your spirits.

  We owe our gratitude and thanks to our teachers, the faculty and our parents, for all that they have done for us. They are ready to send us out into the world to make mistakes, learn from them, and then make some more. My hope for my fellow graduates is that we take a step back from our intense ever evolving media age and remember how to form new relationships face to face. Let us not hide behind our devices and become a detached generation. My hope for the future is we all find happiness and success. My hope is my friend finds a donor heart that she is on a list for, and that we grab life by the balls and direct it where we want it to go. Congratulations graduates of two thousand fourteen, we did it."

  Everyone rose to their feet as they cheered. Sarah led everyone as they threw their hats into the air. Charlie was proud of her friend and at how much she'd grown into the person she was always meant to be. But at the same time she was pissed she'd sold her out. Hopefully no one knew it was her that she was talking about. She knew Sam was looking at her from the stage and could feel his eyes burning a hole in her. Charlie pulled out her phone and sent a text to her dad, Sarah and Jules that she would catch up with them later on. She made a quick exit and took her gown off on the way to her bike. She tossed it in the back of her dads car with the sandals she had on. She needed to get away from everything and everyone. She slid her boots on, stuffed her hair into her helmet, got on her bike and peeled out of the parking lot.

  ♥♥♥♥♥

  Sam needed to find Charlie. It all made sense now. She needed a transplant. Sarah sold her out and he was thankful for it. Right after he heard her say that, he found Charlie in the crowd but she wouldn't look at him. It was like she was ashamed of it or something. The arena was so crowded once they ceremony was over and he'd lost sight of her. He made his way through the sea of people looking from face to face for her. Sam was stopped by quite a few students and parents. He said Hello's but kept it short as he excused himself. He spotted Jules and Joe and headed toward them but didn't see her standing with their group.

  "Where is she?" He asked Joe.

  "She took off."

  "Is that what she was keeping from me? She needs a transplant?"

  "She needed to get out of her own way, so I gave her a little nudge," Sarah said, with a small smile.

  "Why wouldn't she tell me?" Sam was hurt she didn't think he could handle it. Joe put his hand on Sam's shoulder.

  "Don't feel bad, bud, she didn't tell any of us either. She thought she could keep it from us too, but we talked to the Doctor. I didn't tell you when we talked, because I really thought she would."

  "I understand."

  "Wait a second, you already knew who he was?" Callie asked Joe with a dumb founded look.

  "Sam and I have an understanding."

  "I need to go find her."

  "Do you know where she went? She didn't tell me or Sarah." Jules asked.

  "No, but I may have an idea, I've got to go. By the way, great speech, Sarah."

  "Thanks."

  He took off in a sprint toward his Jeep. He pulled his tie loose and pulled out his cuff links and rolled up his sleeves. The parking lot was at a stand still and he needed to go. Come on people, hurry the hell up. He laid on his horn and hit his steering wheel in frustration. If he waited, it would be two hours before he got out of there. Thank God for four wheel drive, he popped his Jeep in to four wheel drive and drove over the concrete parking curbs, up the embankment and down the hill through the grass and out onto the road. People were laying on their horns and shouting obscenities at him and he couldn't give a shit, he had somewhere to be. He had a feeling that she would go to the place he took her when they rode her motorcycle together, she had told him how beautiful it was and how she'd been back a few times when she wanted to be alone.

  ♥♥♥♥♥

  Charlie sat on a log and threw rocks into the water. She didn't know where she was going to ride. She needed to escape and her body was on auto pilot to the spot her and Sam used to go. It was peaceful, she listened to nature, the animals communicating and the sound of the water crashing onto the shore line. She was startled when she heard Sam's voice behind her.

  "Why are you running?"

  "I'm not," she said, as she turned to face him.

  "You are. That's why you're here."

  "I just needed time to think."

  Sam closed the gap between them.

  "Why didn't you just tell me? It wouldn't have scared me off."

  "I don't want to talk about it."

  "Tough shit. I didn't track you down so you can give me the same lame ass excuses. Come up with something better or I'm not leaving."

  "What do you want to hear, Sam? That I need a transplant? That I may die before I even get it?"

  He sat down next to her and pulled her toward him so that her knees were between his.

  "Then we will deal with that together, whatever happens. Don't shut me out because you don't think I can handle it."

  "Its not that I don't think you can handle it. I don't want you to."

  "Look me in the eye and tell me you don't love me."

  She struggled to look him in the eye, she felt tears forming.

  "I don't love you."

  "Bullshit. Tell me."

  "I don't," she said, and sniffled as tears streaked her face. He cupped her face with his hands and pressed his lips gently against hers. He pulled away while he leaned his forehead against hers.

  "Tell me."

  "I love you," she whispered.

  "Promise me you wont push me away anymore."

  "I can't make promises."

  "Promise me."

  He pulled her i
nto his lap, she wrapped her legs around his waist and she crushed her lips to his. He pulled on her bottom lip before he slipped his tongue into her mouth, massaging hers with his own. Sam ran his hands up her back while she had her fingers tangled in his hair. She broke the kiss and pulled away.

  "I can't promise you forever." She hoped he could accept it.

  "I didn't ask for forever."

  "I don't make promises I can't keep."

  "Make me one that you can." He kissed her again and pulled away.

  "I can promise you right now."

  "Right now it is."

  Sam stood and scooped her up into his arms. Charlie's heart swelled with hope that once she was finally able to admit how she really felt and couldn't hide behind it anymore. He carried her toward the parking lot. If she could only promise him one day at a time, she knew they would make the most out of what time they had together. Because you couldn't find a love like that more than once in a lifetime.

  ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

  This has been such an incredible journey and it's just beginning. When I started this, I never meant to write a novel.

  So Rae: this is all your fault and I love you. You have always been my number one supporter. Hounding me for every chapter from the very beginning. Okay, more like me hounding you to drop everything to read what I just sent you. Any time I got discouraged, you told me to buck up buttercup and to always write for myself, no matter what. I love you sissy!!

  To my Family: Thank you for all the brainstorm sessions, the feedback, kidnapping the monsters so I could hit deadlines I set for myself. For bringing my laptop to the hospital when I was stuck there and tellings me, "Well you have no excuse to not write, so get to work."(thanks mom) Thank you for picking me up by my bootstraps and encouraging me forward when I didn't have the strength in me, so you lent me yours. I love you all from the bottom of my broken heart.