by Jessica Hart
'Oh, you know…' Bella shrugged.
'No,' said Josh. 'Tell me.'
'It was just one of those things,' she said, avoiding his eye.
She had decided to tell Josh the truth about Will, but that was before she had known that he was going to marry Aisling. Everything had changed now. If Josh thought that the decision had been a mutual one, he would start to wonder why she was so unhappy, and Bella didn't want him going there. He knew her much too well.
No, far better for him to think that it was Will she loved. It would explain why she wasn't herself at the moment, and it would give her a good excuse to stop smiling, which would be a huge relief.
'Will isn't ready to settle down,' she told Josh. That at least was true. There had never been any question of making things permanent. Will was no more keen to marry than Bella had been. 'He's having much too good a time being an eligible bachelor.'
Which was also true. Will had found her attractive, and she had blended nicely with his decor, but he had never really loved her. That was one reason they were able to get on so well now.
'It was all getting a bit intense for him,' she explained.
'Isn't that usually your line?' said Josh, lifting an eyebrow.
'I know. Ironic, isn't it? All those years I've spent dumping men the moment they start to crowd me, and now I'm getting a taste of my own medicine.' Bella forced a smile. 'I'm sure you're going to tell me it serves me right!'
'No, I'm going to tell you I never thought Will was good enough for you. I know you thought he was perfect, but clearly the man has no taste. You'll find someone much better,' he told her confidently.
'The trouble is that I don't want anyone better,' she said in a low voice. 'There's only one man I want.'
'Bella…' Josh frowned. 'That sounds serious.'
'I think it is.' Bella twisted her glass between her fingers, unable to look at him properly. 'Oh, I know I've fallen in and out of love before, but this is different. It's more than liking a man with a smart car who can show you a good time. This is needing someone with every tiny bit of you and wanting to be with him and be able to touch him and knowing that you've lost your chance.
'It's too late,' she finished dully.
'Is it too late?'
Bella lifted her eyes from her glass and looked at him, so dear and so familiar and so suddenly, unexpectedly gorgeous.
And so engaged to Aisling.
She swallowed, and nodded, all at once unable to speak.
Josh got up without a word and sat down next to her so that he could put his arm around her. 'Poor Bella,' he said gently. 'Does it hurt?'
To her horror, Bella felt a tear trickle out of the edge of her eyes, and then another. Frantically, she tried to brush them away with the back of her hand, but it only seemed to make them come faster.
'I'll get over it,' she said unsteadily.
'You have got it bad, Bel,' said Josh, tightening his arm around her, which made things even worse.
Bella longed to be able to turn her face into his throat and cling to him but she couldn't let herself relax or she would lose control completely. She would fling her arms around him, and blizzard kisses all over his face and beg him not to marry Aisling. She would tell him that he was the one she loved and needed and wanted, and implore him to kiss her back, to pull her down onto the floor and make love to her and promise that he would never let her go.
The thought of how the quiet, restrained Josh would react to such a melodramatic scene was enough to make Bella give a hiccup of laughter through her tears. Poor Josh, she could never to do that to him.
'Honestly, I'll be fine,' she said, straightening out of the comfort of his arm before she really did do something she regretted. It was one of the hardest things she had ever had to do.
She dug in her bag for a tissue and blew her nose fiercely.
'Do you want me to kill Will for you?' asked Josh. 'I will if you want.'
Bella managed a shaky smile. 'Thanks, but I don't think that would help. And it's not Will's fault,' she added, in case Josh decided to track down the unsuspecting Will and give him a piece of his mind. 'He can't help how I feel.'
'He could give you a chance.'
Bella shook her head. 'I've had my chance, and I blew it,' she said.
Absently rubbing her cheeks with the crumpled tissue, she put her smile back into place. 'I'm sorry about that,' she said, sitting up straight and squaring her shoulders. 'I didn't mean to go all tearful on you. We're supposed to be celebrating your engagement here!' She held out her glass. 'Come on, let's have some more champagne!'
Josh topped up their glasses obediently, but he was worried about Bella. At least he now knew the reason for the strain behind her bright smile.
He hadn't been entirely joking when he asked Bella if she would like him to kill Will. OK, he might not go quite as far as murder, but when he saw the pain in her blue eyes, he was gripped by such a cold rage that he almost wished that Will would walk into the bar so that he could have the satisfaction of hurting him in return. He wanted to see Will on his knees, grovelling to Bella, and preferably with a bloody nose.
What was wrong with the man anyway? Josh thought about how warm and soft she had felt as she leant against him, the silkiness of her hair under his cheek. Will needed his head examining. How could a man turn his back on Bella, with those legs and that figure and those mischievous blue eyes? Or her warmth and her humour and that dirty chuckle?
It wasn't even as if she was just an airhead. There was a lot more to Bella than that. She could be infuriatingly frivolous sometimes, but when she chose to use it she had a perfectly good brain behind that ditzy blonde facade, as Josh had frequently pointed out. Not that Bella ever took any notice of him.
Look at her now. Her face was a little flushed, and her eyes held a suspiciously manic glitter, but she was putting on a brave show to hide her broken heart. Josh wanted to reach out and hug her again, but he had sensed a certain resistance before, as if she was only holding herself in with an effort.
And it wasn't his arms she wanted around her, was it?
'We must have a party to celebrate your engagement,' Bella was saying, and his mouth turned down at the corners.
'You know I'm not a big party person.'
'All right,' she conceded. 'What about a dinner, like we did for Phoebe and for Kate when they got engaged? It'll make quite a change to celebrate a real engagement rather than a pretend one! Do you think Aisling would like that?'
Aisling! Josh was startled to realise that he had forgotten about Aisling there for a few minutes.
'Yes…yes, I'm sure she would,' he said awkwardly.
'Good, that's settled then. Shall we go for next weekend? I'll talk to Phoebe and to Kate and I'll email you with a date.' Bella lifted her glass to him. 'Cheers,' she said.
It was her own fault for not recognising how important Josh was to her sooner. Bella could hardly bear to think now about all the years when she had peacocked around, always with some gorgeous man in tow, taking it for granted that Josh would be there when she got bored or wanted comfort or a laugh.
Well, now he was there for someone else, and she would just have to endure it. Aisling had seen in Josh everything that she had been standing too close to see. Had been too silly and self-absorbed to see.
That Josh was a man, not the boy she remembered. That he was quiet and competent and self-contained. That his eyes gleamed with humour. That his hands were square and strong, and his body hard and his cool mouth could tie you up in knots just by thinking about it.
He had been the best of friends to her for so long, and now she would be the same to him, Bella vowed. She would keep her feelings to herself, and be happy for him, and pull out all the stops to celebrate his engagement.
She planned a spectacular meal that no one would ever forget, and then had to ring up Kate and beg her to come and help her before everyone else arrived.
'Does it have to be quite so over-the-top?' Kate asked,
raising her brows as she studied the menu Bella had drawn up after poring over recipe books for days.
'I want it to be memorable.'
'It'll certainly be that if you can pull it off! A croquembouche! What's that?'
'A big pile of profiteroles filled with cream. It's supposed to be held together with spun sugar, but I thought I'd pour over chocolate instead,' said Bella. 'Only it doesn't seem to have worked very well.'
Glumly she contemplated her profiteroles which she had spent hours making the night before. The light-as-air little choux buns shown in the recipe book had ended up like pancakes. Stuffing them with cream was going to be a nightmare. They lay turgidly on a plate, not so much a pile as a mess.
'Hmmnn.' Kate studied them, unimpressed, and then went back to the menu without further comment. 'What else? Canapés, individual soufflés, beef Wellington…! You couldn't have picked at least one uncomplicated dish?'
Bella sighed. 'It seemed like a good idea at the time.'
'Josh would be just as happy with a tin of baked beans.'
'I know,' she said, restacking recipe books to try and clear the decks a bit. 'But he needs to know that I've made a special effort for Aisling.'
Kate pulled an apron over her head and tied the strings behind her back. 'Because you hate the fact that he's marrying her.'
'Yes-no!' Bella corrected herself hastily, hearing what she had said, and then she stopped, realising there was no point in trying to fool Kate. 'I suppose it's obvious?'
'It is to us, lovey. We've known you a long time.'
Bella bit her lip. 'Josh has known me a long time too.'
'Yes, but it'll be different for him. I know he can be incredibly perceptive sometimes, but he's still a man,' said Kate kindly. 'He probably hasn't got a clue that you don't like Aisling.'
'No,' said Bella, remembering how sure he had been at Kate's wedding that she and Aisling would get on. 'I don't want him to know that, though. He'd be really hurt.'
'Don't you think Aisling is right for him?'
'Do you?'
Kate considered, her head tilted to one side. 'I can't quite believe he's going to marry her at all,' she admitted at last. 'I suppose Phoebe and I always assumed that you and Josh would end up together.'
Bella was glad of the fact that she had her back to Kate as she opened the fridge in search of mushrooms. She had her expression under control by the time she turned back and pulled out a chopping board.
'It's too late for that now,' she said, and was proud of the careless note in her voice.
Kate took the board and the mushrooms and began chopping pensively. 'Maybe Josh won't marry her after all.'
'I don't see that happening,' said Bella. 'You know what Josh is like. His word is his bond and all that. If he's decided to marry Aisling, then he will.'
'Aisling might change her mind,' Kate suggested hopefully.
But there was no sign of Aisling changing her mind when she and Josh arrived for the celebration dinner. She was looking stunning in a sheath dress, and was full of wedding plans as she flashed her diamond ring around.
'It's lovely,' said Bella, admiring it dutifully.
'Josh took me to the jeweller's at the weekend. It took me hours to decide which one I wanted, didn't it, Josh?'
'Hours,' he agreed somewhat thinly.
Aisling gave a silvery peal of laughter and hugged his arm. 'Poor Josh! He was getting a bit bored at the end. You know what he's like, Bella!'
Bella handed her a glass of champagne without looking at Josh. 'Yes,' she said. 'I know what he's like.'
CHAPTER FOUR
'I'm afraid it was terribly expensive,' Aisling was burbling on, 'but he did say I could have whichever one I liked best.'
'I'm sure he thinks you're worth it,' said Bella evenly.
Pouring another glass, she gave it to Josh, forcing herself to meet his eyes. 'I know you'd rather have a beer, but I'm afraid champagne is obligatory on these occasions!'
'Thanks.' Josh took the glass from her, but Bella was so on edge that as their fingers brushed, she jerked her hand away as if from an electric shock, and half the champagne spilt onto the floor.
'Sorry,' she muttered, scarlet-cheeked, and when she topped up his glass, her hand holding the bottle was not quite steady.
'Are you OK?' he asked in concern.
'I'm fine. Just a bit nervous about the meal,' she offered as an explanation. 'I've been a bit too ambitious, I think.'
Josh's face relaxed into a grin. 'You always do this, Bella. You plan these incredibly elaborate menus and then get into a state when they don't work out. I wish you'd throw all those recipe books away and stick to offering your guests cheese on toast!'
'I might do after tonight,' she said, a reluctant smile tugging at her mouth and as their eyes met it was as if the two of them were alone for a tiny moment in a private world.
Josh was the first to look away. 'It's good of you to have gone to so much effort,' he said looking around the kitchen.
'Yes, it all looks lovely,' said Aisling, who had observed the way their eyes had locked with a narrowed gaze.
Bella had found an antique damask cloth for the old pine table where she and Kate and Phoebe had spent so many hours drinking wine and putting the world to rights, and she was pleased with the effect now that it was laid with gleaming glasses and flowers and lit candles.
It all looked just as romantic as she had intended-if you looked one way, at least. The effect was rather spoiled if you looked the other by all the dirty dishes piled up beside the sink. She had used just about every implement in the kitchen already and there was still so much to do. She had always loved the big cosy kitchen, but sometimes you could see the point of a separate dining room where you could pretend everything was under control.
'I do like this kitchen,' Aisling was saying. 'It's the main reason I was hoping to move in at one time.'
'I'm sorry,' said Bella, remembering how she had turned down the idea when Josh had suggested it.
She swallowed. That brief, intense exchange of looks had left her feeling peculiar, almost jarred, as if she had stumbled in the dark. You weren't supposed to gaze into a man's eyes when you were just friends, and especially not when you were celebrating his engagement to someone else.
'I must have seemed very unfriendly when I insisted on keeping the house to myself,' she said by way of an apology.
'Don't worry about it,' said Aisling, waving a careless hand so that the diamond on her finger glinted in the candlelight. 'I'm sure I'd have felt exactly the same. And anyway, as things turned out it was best thing that could have happened, wasn't it, darling?'
She took Josh's arm in a proprietorial manner. 'If you'd agreed to let me come here, I wouldn't have moved in with Josh, and we would never have discovered just how compatible we were,' she said. 'We probably wouldn't even have thought of getting married, would we, Josh?'
'It's hard to know,' he said.
'So it's all thanks to you, Bella.' Aisling lifted her glass with the hand that wasn't clutching Josh and sent her a glittering smile. 'Thank you!'
Bella's own smile was feeling more than a little fixed, and she turned away to pick up a plate. 'Have a canapé,' she said.
'Ooh, I shouldn't really…' Aisling inspected the plate. Bella was proud of her way with nibbles, and she had spent hours making these look spectacular with exquisite garnishes.
'These are the only part of the meal that have worked, so I should make the most of them if I were you,' she told Aisling.
'Well, maybe just one.' Aisling let go of Josh and her hand hovered over the plate until she had selected the one she evidently judged the least fattening. 'Delicious,' she said.
'Have another.'
'Oh, no, thanks.' She patted her perfectly flat stomach complacently. 'I've seen the perfect dress already but I can't afford to put on so much as a milligram if I want to get into it for the wedding.'
'Have you decided when it's going to be?'
Bella was hugely grateful to Phoebe for coming up and joining in the conversation just then. Possibly she had seen that Bella herself was close to taking her canapés and shoving them down Aisling's ample cleavage.
'Next May,' said Aisling. 'I think a spring wedding is lovely, don't you?'
There was a feverish glitter in Aisling's green eyes and she seemed on a high. Bella supposed she couldn't blame her. She would be euphoric if she were wearing Josh's ring and had Josh to go home with at the end of the evening, but she hadn't anticipated that every word Aisling spoke would be like a knife twisting inside her.
'Excuse me,' she said, suddenly desperate to get out of the kitchen so no one could see her face. 'I must just go and see about the starter.'
Phoebe was listening to Aisling's increasingly manic wedding plans, and Josh looked down into his champagne with a slight frown.
'Don't worry,' Gib said in his ear. 'I brought some beer with me.' He peered into his own glass with a grimace. 'I don't know why women insist on drinking this stuff! Down that, and I'll get you a proper drink.'
Josh grinned and drained his glass obediently. Gib could always make things seem better.
The meal couldn't be described as a culinary triumph- Bella's never were-but there was plenty of wine and good company. While Aisling was on extra sparkling form, Bella was much quieter than usual, but once she stopped jumping up and down to see to the food she did relax, and it was a great evening.
When she got up much later to make some more coffee, Josh followed her to the working end of the kitchen to give her a hand while the others carried on a spirited argument at the table.
'In case I don't get a chance to say it later, thank you,' he said.
'Sorry about the beef,' she sighed. 'And the pudding. It was all a bit of a disaster, wasn't it?'
'It was delicious,' Josh lied manfully. 'And anyway, it doesn't matter what the food was like. What matters is all the trouble you went to. It's been a very special evening, and I really appreciate it. So does Aisling,' he added as he put his arms around Bella and gave her a hug.
For a second or so she leant into him, but then pulled away and made a big deal of filling the kettle.
