by Jessica Hart
'Still no word from Will?' Josh asked.
'I see him occasionally,' she said, carefully spooning coffee into the cafetière, 'but it's not the same.'
'Isn't it getting any easier?'
Bella stopped and looked straight at him. 'No,' she said.
Right, she was going to have to get on with her life, Bella told herself the next morning as she tackled the monumental pile of washing up. Oh, for a dishwasher!
Miracles were not going to happen. Aisling was hell-bent on marrying Josh, and judging by the conversation at dinner last night had turned overnight into an obsessive who could talk about nothing else. They had heard all about Aisling's plans for the wedding, some of which were clearly news to Josh, and had even been treated to a summary of every possible honeymoon location.
'We're off to the Seychelles in a couple of weeks anyway,' Aisling rattled on, 'so we can check it out and see if it's a place we'd want to go back to. It looks beautiful, but there might not be enough to do there apart from diving.'
'Most honeymoon couples don't have any problem finding something to do!' said Gib, amused, but Aisling took him seriously.
'Josh and I aren't like that. We need to be able to climb or sail or go white-water rafting. We'd both be bored to death lying on a beach all day.'
Bella had been unable to resist exchanging a speaking glance with Kate and Phoebe.
'Not one of us!' Kate had mouthed back.
'She's protesting too much if you ask me,' Phoebe had murmured in Bella's ear a bit later. 'Bet she hates all that tough stuff really.'
Bella didn't think Phoebe was right. Aisling might have rattled on obsessively about weddings all night, but she was equally at home out in the wild like Josh, and once the wedding of the century-as theirs was clearly intended to be-was over, she would settle down and be good for Josh.
Which meant that she had to get a grip. No more misery, no more longing for Josh or dreaming that things could be different. It was time to restart her life.
Easier said than done. Bella did try. She made herself go to parties again, and she tried to keep herself busy the rest of the time so that she didn't have too much time to think, but the thought of Josh was like a constant ache inside her. It was the first thing Bella was aware of when she woke, and the last thing before she went to sleep, and in between it throbbed dully and insistently and made it impossible to think of anything else.
She lost weight, which didn't suit her, and she knew that her skin looked tired and there were dark shadows under her eyes. Kate and Phoebe tutted in concern when they saw her.
'You look awful!'
'Thanks!'
'Seriously, Bella, you're not sickening for something, are you?'
Only with love, thought Bella drearily.
'I'm just tired,' she said. 'I need a holiday, but I can't afford to go anywhere. My last credit card bill was so enormous I thought I was going to pass out when I opened it. I wish someone would offer me a free week in the Seychelles,' she sighed.
The thought of a week with nothing to do but he on a tropical beach was incredibly inviting. No diving, no sailing, just lying there with your eyes closed…yes, she could handle that!
'It would be nice, wouldn't it?' said Kate. 'It's all right for Josh and Aisling!'
'When are they off?' Phoebe asked, getting up to freshen their glasses.
'Soon, I think.'
'I haven't seen them since your dinner. How is Josh?'
Bella's throat tightened at the mere sound of his name. 'I don't know,' she said as casually as she could. 'I haven't seen him either.'
Phoebe frowned. 'I hope nothing's wrong. It doesn't sound like Josh to drop out of sight like that. Hasn't he been in touch at all?'
'He rang and left a message thanking me for the dinner,' Bella admitted, 'but it wasn't the kind of message that needed a reply, so I didn't.'
'But Bella, he'd expect you to call him back anyway, wouldn't he?'
She hunched a shoulder, unable to explain how hard she found the idea of talking to Josh now. 'I didn't want to intrude,' she said defensively. 'They probably just want to be alone at the moment.'
'They probably think you're ignoring them,' said Kate, sounding unusually astringent. 'I thought you wanted to make Josh think that you liked Aisling?'
'I do…I just need a little time to get used to the idea of him getting married,' she confessed.
'You've had nearly three weeks, Bella,' said Phoebe gently as she handed her back her glass. 'You're going to have to come to terms with it some time.'
Bella sighed and sipped her drink. 'I know.'
The trouble was that she couldn't imagine having a normal conversation with Josh now when all she could think of to say was I love you, I love you, I love you. She could ring and wish them a good trip, she supposed bleakly. At least it would give them something to talk about.
'I'll call him,' she promised.
To her relief, her friends let the matter drop then. 'I'm not sure we can run to a week in the Seychelles, but what else can we do to cheer you up?' asked Kate. 'It's Friday tomorrow. Why don't you come round and have supper with us? You look as if you could do with a decent meal.'
'I'd like to, but I'm supposed to be going to some party in Battersea,' Bella said without enthusiasm.
By the time she got home from work the next day she felt even less enthusiastic about the prospect. It was a vile November evening, and her umbrella had been useless in the gusty wind. The walk from the tube was enough to leave her wet and bedraggled, and she wasn't sure she could face tarting herself up, going out into the rain again and spending the evening smiling and looking as if she was having fun.
But the alternative was to sit at home missing Josh and trying not to cry.
Maybe a drink would perk her up? Bella made herself a vodka and tonic and slumped on the kitchen sofa, not noticeably perked but appreciating the drink anyway. She was still trying to summon up the energy to have a shower when the doorbell rang.
Drink in hand, she went out to peer through the peephole, and her heart did an alarming somersault when she saw Josh standing on the other side of the door, huddled into his coat, with the collar turned up. His hair was plastered to his head, and the rain was running down his face.
'Josh!' Hastily Bella opened the door and stared at him. 'What are you doing here?'
'I needed to see you.'
Josh hadn't thought about what he was going to say. He had just followed his instinct which was to get to Bella. He couldn't explain on the phone, he had wanted her presence, and he went straight out into the rain. It was only when he got to her doorstep that it had occurred to him that she might not be there.
But there she was, as he had somehow known she would be, looking very Bella in a short skirt and spectacular shoes, the golden hair falling around her face, and a glass in her hand.
'Come in,' she said in concern, stepping back and holding the door wide open. 'You're sodden!'
She helped him peel off his coat and hung it over the back of a chair in the kitchen. 'Sit down,' she said. 'I'll get you a drink. You look like you need it.'
He must look as shell-shocked as he felt, thought Josh as he dropped onto the old kitchen sofa, but he was feeling better already. There was something amazingly comforting about coming into this house, and especially this big, shabby kitchen with its mess and its clutter and its complete absence of steel or granite or anything remotely trendy.
'Here.' Bella put a glass of whisky into his hand and sat cross-legged on the sofa, turning so that she could face him. 'Now, tell me what's happened.'
'Aisling's left me,' said Josh, a little surprised at how easy it was to say.
'Left you?' Bella stared at him blankly. 'What do you mean, left you?'
'She's gone. She doesn't want to marry me any more.'
It was almost a relief to see that the news was as unexpected to Bella as it had been to him. Josh would have felt a fool if he had been the last one to suspect anything, bu
t looking at Bella he could see that she was as stunned as he had been.
'But…but…why?' She stammered. 'She was so excited the other day when we were all here. She couldn't talk about anything but marrying you.'
'She was trying to convince herself that was what she wanted,' he said evenly, 'but it wasn't… She's been in love with someone else all along.'
Bella shook her head trying to take it all in. 'Who is he? Do you know him?'
'His name's Bryn. I haven't had much to do with him but he's a senior executive at C.B.C. Aisling worked there before she joined us, and that's where she met him. She told me this evening that they'd had a passionate affair for nearly a year and that she was mad about him. But he's married, of course, and although he'd talked about leaving his wife, he kept coming up with excuses about how it wasn't the right time, and in the end Aisling decided to call the whole thing off.
'She was desperate to leave C.B.C. so that she wouldn't have to see him every day. I knew her because of previous work we had done for the company, so when I offered her a chance to move, she jumped at it. She told me tonight that it seemed as if it was meant.'
'No wonder she was so keen to come and work for you!' said Bella tartly. 'So all that stuff about wanting a more fulfilling job and working with a smaller organisation was her being just the teensiest bit economical with the truth, was it?'
'Not exactly. She enjoys working with us, but it wasn't quite the complete break she had hoped for,' said Josh. 'You know we're hoping to win this big contract from C.B.C.? If we get it, it'll be largely because of Aisling's contacts, and part of her job now is to deal with this Bryn on a regular basis, which hasn't been easy for her.'
Bella wasn't in the mood to feel sympathetic for Aisling's problems. 'God, Josh, you're starting to sound sorry for her!'
'lama bit,' he said. 'Aisling tried everything she could to put him behind her, but she just couldn't. He's all she wants, and she had to try and cut herself off from that. That takes guts,' he added fairly.
'I might feel a bit more respect for her if she'd done it without using you,' said Bella. The blue eyes were stormy as she put her glass down on the table with a sharp click.
'That makes her sound too cynical.' It was ironic that he should be the one who ended up defending Aisling, Josh thought. 'It wasn't as if she didn't like me. She said she did, she liked me a lot, and she thought she could make a fresh start with me, but when it came down to it, it wasn't the same. She tried to talk herself into wanting to be with me, but it wasn't what she felt for Bryn. That was something much stronger and in the end she couldn't resist it.'
'And did she give you any thought in all of this?'
'I think she tried,' he said. 'She really wanted to make a go of it with me, and for a while it seemed as if it would work. She said she found me attractive, and we had lots of interests in common. There was no reason why it shouldn't really. Successful marriages have been built on less, and Aisling was hoping that if she threw herself into wedding preparations, she would forget all about Bryn.'
'So what made her change her mind?' Bella was still tight-lipped with anger on his behalf.
'Bryn rang her yesterday. He told her that he was getting a divorce and that he wanted to be with her. Aisling said that she knew then that it wouldn't be fair to get married to me feeling the way she still did about Bryn. She said she was sorry,' Josh added.
'Big of her!' said Bella tightly.
'Come on, Bella. At least she was honest,' he said. 'It was a classic relationship on the rebound. I'd much rather she told me now than after we were married. The longer she left telling me, the harder it would be.'
'I suppose so.'
Belatedly Bella realised that she wasn't being very supportive. 'I'm sorry,' she said, putting a hand on his arm. 'I just can't believe how calm you are. I can't believe any of it really. Aisling seemed so happy with you. And…and you were good together,' she added.
'Were we?' Josh drank his whisky. He was warmer and dryer, and sitting here on the sofa with Bella, it didn't seem so difficult to take in. 'It's hard to tell now.'
'I'm sorry, Josh,' she said again quietly and he shrugged and smiled crookedly.
'I'm sorry for dumping it all on you like this.'
'I seem to remember crying on your shoulder a few times,' said Bella, taking the empty glass from his hand and refilling it. She sat back down beside him straight-backed and crossed her legs once more.
'How do you feel?' she asked. 'I mean, really? No stiff upper lip!'
Josh sipped gratefully at his whisky. 'A bit stunned, I suppose.'
He couldn't tell Bella that his first reaction had shockingly been one of secret relief. He hadn't realised that he had had reservations at all until Aisling had announced that she didn't want to marry him after all, when he felt as if a burden he had hardly been aware of before had been lifted from his shoulders.
'It was the last thing I expected to hear when I got home this evening,' he told Bella. 'Aisling's been full of wedding plans all week, and we were working together all day. She seemed absolutely normal then. She's very good at keeping her professional and personal fife separate.'
Bella didn't know about that. As far as she could see, Aisling had managed to sleep with her boss wherever she worked, and you couldn't mix up your personal and professional fife more completely than that!
But she would have to be careful what she said. Josh was putting on a good front-stiff upper Up to the end- but Bella thought that he was more hurt than he was letting on. It was typical of him to take it on the chin like a gentleman and say that it was better for Aisling to break it all off now than later. No ranting and raving for Josh!
'What did you say?' she asked quietly instead.
'What could I say? If Aisling feels this away about Bryn, there's no point in her being with me.'
Bella ached for him. She had dreamt of hearing that Aisling wasn't going to marry Josh after all, but now that the moment had come, all she could think of was that he was hurting. Now was not the time to throw herself into his arms and tell him that she would love him for ever. He was raw and vulnerable, and still in love with Aisling, she reminded herself. He wasn't ready to think about anyone or anything else.
'Perhaps she'll come back,' Bella tried to comfort him. 'She might find that she doesn't feel quite the same when she's actually living with this Bryn. The romance wears off pretty quickly when you're picking up dirty socks and squabbling about who leaves the top off the toothpaste.'
'Perhaps,' said Josh, but he didn't sound convinced.
'Aisling's a fool if she doesn't,' Bella told him stoutly. 'She doesn't have any idea how lucky she is. She couldn't ask for more than you!'
'Except that she does,' he pointed out. 'I'm not the one she wants.'
Bella thought that her expression didn't change but Josh put his drink down abruptly and pulled her over to hug her. 'I'm sorry, Bella, I'm a fool. You know what that feels like.'
Agonisingly aware of his arms around her, she nodded into his shoulder. 'Yes,' she said quietly. 'I know what it's like.'
Everything should be perfect. He was free, she was free, and his arms were around her, holding her tight. What more could she want? Her face was pressed into his throat, and she could smell his skin. If she opened her eyes, she could see the pulse beating below his ear. It would be so easy to put her lips to it.
Except that it wasn't that easy, Bella realised. If she hadn't been able to tell him how she felt before because he was happy with Aisling, it was going to be even more difficult now. He might be putting a good face on it but Josh must be feeling raw with rejection. He needed her support, not the emotional equivalent of kicking a man when he was down.
It would be important for Josh that she at least was constant. He would need her to be the way she had always been. The last thing he wanted right now would be her confusing the issue and throwing the basis of their friendship into question when the rest of his life was in flux.
What
would be the point of telling him now, anyway? Bella thought. Did she really want him turning to her on the rebound, the way Aisling had done to him? No, she would have to be very careful. Let him carry on believing that it was Will she was breaking her heart for, at least for the time being.
Josh's arms tightened around her. 'We're a pair, aren't we?' he said, and his effort to sound jocular tightened Bella's throat. 'Both in the reject bin! What's wrong with us?'
'What's wrong with them?' Bella countered and Josh kissed her hair.
'I'm glad you're here, Bella,' he said.
'I'm always here for you, Josh,' she said in a low voice, knowing that he couldn't possibly understand how much she meant it.
'I know,' he said quietly as he let her go.
Bella was trembling slightly as she sat back and picked up her drink, and it was a real effort to keep her voice steady. 'What are you going to do now?'
'There's nothing to do,' said Josh, reaching for his own glass. 'Aisling and I are going to be working together, so we'll just have to be civilised and carry on.'
'You mean she gets to keep her job after the way she's treated you?' Bella was outraged.
'I can hardly sack her because she's not in love with me,' Josh pointed out dryly. 'I don't think that would go down very well at an industrial tribunal if she decided to contest it! Anyway,' he said, 'she's very good at her job. We need her if we want to clinch this big contract with C.B.C.'
Bella couldn't believe that Aisling was that important.
'But it's going to be incredibly awkward, isn't it?' she objected. 'Everyone else at the office must know that you've been living together and were planning to get married.'
Josh shrugged. 'We'll just have to get on with it. I'll have a word with the others and ask them not to make things difficult for Aisling by asking too many questions. In any case, we'll be in the Seychelles next week, so they can get all the gossip out of the way then and with any luck they'll have something else to talk about when we get back.'
Bella eyed him with frustration. He could be infuriatingly reasonable at times! By rights, he should be swearing and tearing his hair out, and if not actually plotting revenge then at least vowing to make Aisling sorry.
