I Didn't Come Here to Make Friends: Confessions of a Reality Show Villain

by Courtney Robertson

  With little else to do, I focused on writing my fake vows to Ben on the hotel stationery.

  I wasn’t really ready to tell Ben that I loved him. I definitely was in lust and in like with Ben, but in love? It was starting to feel that way, but it felt rushed. There was so much I still didn’t know about him. And I realized that I hadn’t really done a good job of digging. I hadn’t gotten any real reactions to real-life situations. I hadn’t asked simple questions like:

  “Are you a Democrat or Republican?”

  “What was the longest relationship you ever had?”

  “In real life, what would be your ideal Saturday activity?”

  Mine would be going to a movie or on a hike. I didn’t know yet that Ben would prefer to sit in a bar drinking and watching football with ten of his closest buddies.

  Anyway, I wrote the vows:

  I’m looking for love, real love. Passionate, consuming, can’t live without each other love. To love unconditionally. A partner and a best friend for the rest of my life. When I look at you from across the room I know that your happiness is the key to mine. My one true love. For better or for worse, in sickness and in health. To honor not to obey or control. To love, to hold, and to nurture. To love you faithfully and wholeheartedly. I’ll give you my hand, my heart, my body. I will trust you, respect you, and encourage you, laugh with you and cry with you. For all of my days. In the famous words of Bob Marley: Ben, I want to love you and treat you right, every day and every night. I hope you know I’m one hundred percent ready for marriage and I’m so happy I found you. I want you to know I’m in love with you.

  I was so freaked out about what was about to happen, I tried to lighten it up a little with some reggae lyrics, mon, and a quote from Sex and the City. Then I added that I loved Ben at the very bottom of the page, the very last sentence.

  Before the big day, we rented a convertible and we went to the Last Chance outlet so I could buy a dress for the next cocktail party/Rose Ceremony back in L.A. I found a gold sequin Alice and Olivia gown with a giraffe print for $24. It was too big and the zipper was broken, but I’d ask Cary, the show’s stylist, to help me fix it. That night, I went to dinner at my favorite restaurant, Hillstone.

  * * *

  KEEPING IT REAL

  Guess Who!

  On a Hometown Date, this Bachelor promised the contestant’s young brother that he would be back to teach him how to do things like throw a football. When the show ended, and he didn’t pick the contestant, the little guy burst into tears and asked if he was the reason why the Bachelor didn’t propose.

  * * *

  In the morning, I headed to the Farm to begin my nerve-wracking Hometown Date with Ben. When I got there, I realized they’d hired a legit licensed preacher guy to officiate the “wedding.” I was so scared that Ben would flip out and run for the hills. I wouldn’t blame him. I wanted this to be fun and lighthearted and now it felt like we were actually getting married! Gulp.

  When Ben arrived, he was having a bad hair day. He looked like Francine from those Arthur cartoons on PBS, and yet I was still very attracted to him. We had a picnic on the grass. There was an amazing basket of goodies right under our noses, honey and apples fresh from the farm, but, of course, we didn’t eat any of it. Not that I could have eaten anyway, my stomach was in knots and I could barely concentrate. I suddenly had a newfound appreciation for how stressful it must be for the Bachelor to set up so many “perfect” dates.

  After picnicking, we walked over toward the altar in the pecan tree grove, and Ben commented nervously that it looked like a wedding was being set up. I took a deep breath and mustered the courage to tell Ben the truth. I explained that I picked the Farm because it’s where I wanted to get married and that I wanted to exchange pretend vows with him. To my utter relief, he didn’t bolt like a runaway bride. He was totally into it. He could see that I was shaking with nerves, and he hugged and comforted me.

  I gave him a little book to write his vows and was impressed when he wrote a beautiful message to me off the top of his head, right on the spot. I’d spent hours toiling over mine in my hotel room. Then we stood under the canopy and I declared my love for him before God, some weird preacher dude, and the crew.

  Ben didn’t flinch when I said I loved him.

  Then he read his vows back to me:

  From the moment I saw you, you took my breath away. What I asked myself after our first date was, Is this too good to be true? The answer I found in Belize is no, you are incredible. I love how you make me feel when I’m in your presence. You are strong, kind, beautiful, and I find myself falling for you more and more every time I’m with you. You are real and honest and for that I am thankful. A breath of fresh air in a world of uncertainty. I firmly believe in timing and I have always felt that the timing of us has been beyond our control, a sign that I have never felt before. So thank you for believing in me and trusting that we would get to this point after an incredible journey.

  Huh, guess he didn’t feel he was ready to say he loved me? Oh well. We exchanged rings made of twine, kissed like the Pecking Pirates we were, and always would be, and prayed that we hadn’t just legally tied the knot. (Now that would be the most shocking episode of The Bachelor ever, because my mom would kill me right on-camera if I walked in and announced that we eloped.)

  After the “wedding,” which took approximately thirty minutes, the “reception” was a total bust. I quickly wolfed down a salad at Delux on the way to my parents’ house, while Ben enjoyed a gourmet lunch at the Farm.

  I was so excited to show Ben my childhood home, but as soon as we walked in, I ditched him in the doorway to give giant hugs—the holding-on-for-dear-life kind—to my dad, mom, and sister.

  For what happened next, I’m going to hand over the keypad for an insider’s account from a special guest. Take it away, Dad:

  “When Courtney and Ben bounded into the living room like two barnyard animals in heat, we finally got to hear about all of the exciting places they’d been visiting. And we saw how happy they were together. It was immediately clear to me that Ben was very infatuated with my daughter. He had already filmed the other three Hometown Dates previously that week and I was not surprised that they saved the best one for last.”

  Aww, that’s sweet!

  “I did think it was kind of odd that Ben asked me if I ever went skinny-dipping in our swimming pool.”

  That is weird.

  “Then Courtney told me they had gone skinny-dipping in Puerto Rico, but not to worry because it had been shot from a great distance and you could not see much in the moonlight.”

  Oops. Sorry, TMI.

  “Ben and I had a one-on-one discussion in the backyard. I could see he was truly smitten with Courtney and I told him that ‘marriage is life’s greatest gamble.’ I asked him, ‘Are you ready to make that bet, Ben?’ He answered, ‘I’m ready to be in a serious, committed relationship.’”

  Hang on, that doesn’t sound like marriage to me. That sounds like dating.

  “He then told me, ‘Rick, I love your daughter.’ I chuckled and said, ‘You do not have to tell me that. I can see it in your eyes.’ He had been struck by the thunderbolt. There was not a doubt in my mind that he would propose to her in Switzerland.”

  Very well said. Thanks, Dad!

  During his visit Ben also had a private chat with my sister, who took away a good first impression after they bonded over Anchorman. She jokingly told him, “The jazz flute is for little fairy boys.” And he said, “Why don’t you go back to your home on Whore Island!” He also talked to my mom, who didn’t want to be on-camera but did it for me. Briefly. Because she loves me she forced herself to say, “I like him very much,” even though I could tell she wasn’t that impressed. She quit halfway through during her final interview with the producers.

  She didn’t trust Ben either. “I just saw you propose to another girl on TV a few months ago,” she drilled him. “How could you be in love with my daughter so soon?”
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  We all went outside to the patio table. We all had an awkward conversation while Ben and I pawed at each other lovingly. An hour after we got there, it was already over and time to leave.

  As we all mingled in the foyer, I tried to get a read on my family.

  “Do you like him?” I whispered.

  “He told me he loves you,” my dad whispered.

  “I can tell he’s in love,” my sister whispered.

  The date was over and I had to leave. I was so incredibly sad to leave my family. The next morning, before we left town for the Rose Ceremony in L.A, I asked my handler to drive us over to my parents’ house in the convertible. I could see my dad reading the paper through the window and wondered what it would be like to have a normal life again. I left a box of cookies in the mailbox, honked the horn, and headed back to the land of make-believe.

  * * *

  KEEPING IT REAL

  How to Give Your Daughter Away to a Stranger

  by Rick Robertson

  When Ben called me from Switzerland to ask for Courtney’s hand in marriage, I’d only had two hours to get to know him. I had to deduce quickly whether or not he was a lunatic or a murderer. These clues helped:

  His eyes. On the Hometown Date, I could see that he was in love with my daughter and vice versa. I guess it could have been lust, but I chose to ignore that.

  His background. I liked that he had grown up in Tucson and had a strong connection to Arizona.

  His manners. I received a call from a producer asking if I’d be available to speak to Ben on the phone. I knew he wanted to ask my permission to propose to Courtney. He seemed like a good guy and I consider myself a good judge of character.

  * * *

  When everyone got back to L.A., the Rose Ceremony was held at the Regent Beverly Wilshire, a.k.a. the hotel where the movie Pretty Woman was shot and the location of a runway show I did once with Yoko Ono. It was kind of fitting that we were at the Pretty Woman hotel. I felt like I had a lot in common with Vivian Ward—not the hooker part, but living in a fairy-tale romance bubble. On some level, even though I hated the claustrophobia and catfights, I knew it was going to be hard to go back to reality after this incredible experience.

  I hadn’t seen the other three girls in more than a week (well, besides the face-off with Lindzi on Rodeo Drive), so when we were herded into the Rose Ceremony it was jarring. I may have experienced PTSD just seeing Kacie B’s face.

  We weren’t allowed to talk to each other so I had absolutely no clue what had happened on their Hometown Dates. I wouldn’t find out until months later that Lindzi opened up to Ben that she’d basically been suicidal after her last breakup. And that Ben really bonded with Nicki’s amazing family. Or that Kacie B’s ultraconservative father not only didn’t drink, but also wouldn’t approve of a devilish wine maker living in sin with his daughter before marriage.

  It didn’t really matter. To be honest, I’d forgotten that they were all still on the show. Ben and I had a huge turning point in Arizona and it really felt like we were dating. It felt like he was my boyfriend. I couldn’t imagine that any of them had a better time than Ben and me.

  My hunch was confirmed when Ben gave me the first rose—and then eliminated Kacie B. It didn’t take a rocket scientist to deduce that Ben, a sophisticated city boy from San Francisco and Kacie B, a country girl from Clarksville, Tennessee, were doomed after the Hometown. She proceeded to have one of the most epic, ugly-cry meltdowns in the history of The Bachelor during her exit interview. And her sunny Southern belle shtick went right out the limo window when she started hurling profanities.

  “What the fuck happened?” she wailed. “What the fuck happened!”

  I’d like to say I handled her elimination with grace and compassion, but it just wasn’t meant to be. After the Rose Ceremony, I returned to my hotel. I walked into the lobby, carrying my rose, in quite the celebratory mood. As I whooped it up with the hotel staff, who’d become my pals over the last couple weeks as I’d bounced from L.A. to Scottsdale, they subtly shushed me and nodded toward a dark corner of the room. I looked over my shoulder and saw Kacie B, alone, slumped over on a bench sobbing.

  Her limo driver had accidentally dropped her off at my hotel.

  9

  BONING & BABS

  Okay, we’re finally at the tantalizing, titillating Fantasy Suite portion of my Bachelor journey, so I’m going to skip the boring details of our first day date in Switzerland and get right to the good stuff. I mean do you want to hear another story about Ben and me having yet another picnic, or how he spoke fluent German to order us a hunk of cheese in a quaint little shop? I didn’t think so.

  When we arrived in Interlaken, one of the most gorgeous mountain towns in Switzerland, I was the last of the three ladies to have my overnight date with Ben. I was staying in my own hotel room in a town called Thun, hanging out and getting massages, while Nicki and Lindzi were being handed Fantasy Suite keys to Ben’s heart and pants. I honestly wasn’t worried about him hooking up with the other girls. In fact, I had encouraged it. While we were skinny-dipping, I told him I was crazy about him, but that if we were indeed going to get engaged, he should sow his oats. I had. I told him to take advantage of being a single man because once we were officially together, I’d be the last woman he’d ever make love to.

  “Do you,” I insisted. “Explore your options.”

  We made a pact to never talk about his nights with Lindzi and Nicki. But that didn’t prevent me from hearing traumatizing stories. After the show ended, one of my cast mates spilled to me that Nicki had a major meltdown because, during pillow talk, Ben informed her that after his dad died he didn’t believe in God and was an atheist.

  I guess I wasn’t the only one who didn’t ask the hard questions before it was too late.

  Anyway, my turn with Ben finally came about five days after we arrived in Switzerland. Producers arranged for us to stay in a charming little cottage with low ceilings, a roaring fireplace, and a barrel of popcorn. I was grateful because popcorn is my absolute favorite food and I was starving because we couldn’t really eat on the day date.

  Ten minutes after we were in the cottage, the camera crews, handlers, and producers scrammed, and we were completely alone for the first time ever. We immediately ripped each other’s clothes off and had intense, passionate sex on the couch in front of the fire. Producers had left a cell phone for us in case of emergency, but they did not leave us any condoms.

  After sexual interlude number two, a sweet, slow lovemaking session in the bedroom, Ben and I lay facing each other, snuggling. We fit really well together.

  “I’m madly in love with you,” he confessed. “I haven’t been able to tell you.”

  “I am so in love with you,” I whispered back googly-eyed.

  When we weren’t doin’ it, we drank wine, did some naked hot tubbing, and listened to Bon Iver on his iPod. We talked about everything.

  Our sex was pretty good, but pretty textbook. There was definitely room for improvement. I wanted to see if Ben had a little more adventure in him, so I disappeared into the bathroom and came out wearing another naughty lingerie outfit I remembered to pack. Seeing the sexy black lace skirt with silk ribbons, Ben’s tongue practically rolled to the floor like in a cartoon. I could tell he was blown away and worried this might be too much too soon.

  He was so nervous he wasn’t really sure what to do with me. So I kind of threw him around a little bit, and I’m pretty sure he liked it. We did every position under the sun, but I believe I sealed the deal when we successfully completed the reverse cowgirl.

  I’m guessing Kacie B had no clue we’d successfully completed the reverse cowgirl or she may not have flown halfway across the world to Switzerland to inform Ben, yet again, that I was a menace to society and to beg for answers about why she was dumped. When he got back to his room after our steamy night together, Kacie B was there. He was so furious. He immediately sent her back home with her tail between her legs.
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br />   * * *

  KEEPING IT REAL

  Banging the Bachelor

  Show creator Mike Fleiss once claimed that the Bachelor has sex an average of three times per season. And the action doesn’t only go down in the Fantasy Suite. What actually happens sexually between contestants has always been as closely held a secret as the Mafia’s omertà—until now! Enjoy these naughty blind items (to protect the innocent and the prude, names have been withheld):

  This Bachelor was so asexual, his extremely hot and bothered Fantasy Suite partner kept filling up his glass with more alcohol every time he tried to hide in the bathroom. The unlucky lady was just trying to loosen up the guy, but it didn’t work.

  This Bachelor was so horny he couldn’t wait to get to the Fantasy Suites to get laid. On a group date, he snuck away with a contestant for an off-camera hookup. But producers busted them just seconds after they left—and she was already on her knees giving him a BJ! When the producers tried to break them up, they didn’t stop and had to be pried apart.

  This Bachelorette contestant was such a slimeball he hooked up with an ex at his hotel right before Hometowns!

  * * *

  That night at the final Rose Ceremony, Nicki also got sent home. Nicki said she felt “like a fool” in her limo exit interview, and I can’t blame her for thinking that if she did indeed sleep with Ben. I don’t doubt that she felt like she had something special with him. I’m sure he told all three of us that he felt a connection. Which annoyed me. If he meant all of the things he’d said to me in the Fantasy Suite, why did he go through with his dates with Lindzi and Nicki? I’d never been a clingy-after-sex kind of person, but now my usual cool-girl demeanor was history. Even though I’d told him to sow his oats, I found myself feeling possessive and jealous; the thought of him having sex with either girl made me sick. Couldn’t he just stop this now so nobody got hurt? Other Bachelors/Bachelorettes had played with the format and sent people home earlier or spared them a public elimination out of the kindness of their hearts.