Love and Lists (Chocoholics)

by Tara Sivec

  “Can we NOT talk about my father right now?” I shout.

  “We can’t talk about your father, we can’t talk about you being a virgin, what the fuck CAN we talk about?!” he yells.

  “Are we really going to argue about this right now when your penis is inside of me?!” I scream back.

  We lie there, breathing heavy and staring at one another, until Gavin’s shoulders droop and he leans his forehead down against mine.

  “You should have told me,” he whispers before pulling back and kissing my cheek. “I hurt you.”

  He kisses my cheek, my nose, my eyes, and finally my lips. “We should stop. It shouldn’t be like this … in the back seat of your car. You should have music and candles and flowers.”

  “We are not stopping. I’m okay now, I swear. The deed is done. I am no longer a virgin, thank you very much,” I remind him.

  “I want this to be good for you,” he pleads.

  “It IS good for me. I swear.”

  I pull him back to me and kiss him. After a few minutes, he begins to move against me and this time, I’m vocal with my ouch.

  “Okay, maybe it isn’t going to be THAT good. I’m sorry. It’s not you, it’s me. We’re parked next to a corn field and I’m pretty sure there are killer children out there waiting to bust in the windows and stab us,” I tell him.

  “I knew you said Malachai before. And don’t worry, I can totally fix this situation,” Gavin says.

  I start to protest as he moves away from me again, but he just reaches down to the floor and fumbles around again for a few seconds. He pulls his arm back and in his hand is the world’s tiniest bullet vibrator.

  “Did you just pull a vibrator out of your jeans?”

  “Yes, yes I did. See? My job is TOTALLY awesome,” he says with a smile as he presses a button and the little silver ball fires up.

  “Don’t guys feel like less of a man if they have to use a vibrator on a woman?” I question.

  “If you have an orgasm, that’s all that matters to me. And you WILL have an orgasm. Ten out of ten women surveyed got off with this little guy,” he tells me, sliding his hand between us.

  “It’s so hot when you talk shop,” I tell him with a groan as he gently presses the bullet to my clit.

  “Holy hell, make that eleven out of eleven women,” I moan as he holds the bullet in place and slowly starts to move inside me.

  It only takes me thirty seconds to have my first orgasm with a guy. And not just any guy–Gavin. And luckily, he doesn’t take after his best friend and shout the names of My Little Pony when he comes during sex; he just shouts my name.

  “I want to try something,” Gavin tells me later that night as we lie curled up together on his bed.

  All in all, losing my virginity went pretty well, if I do say so myself. There was no awkward silence after it was over and nothing felt weird at all. It just felt … right. Everything feels right, aside from the fact that I had sex with my best friend and I haven’t come clean yet about what I did to get us to this point. Gavin assumes I broke up with Rocco. Gavin doesn’t know Rocco is my gay fake boyfriend and that I used Rocco just to make him jealous. How in the hell does one even start an admission like that? I need more time to figure this out before I tell him. Not a lot of time, just enough to make him fall madly in love with me and not care about the fact that I deceived him.

  Gavin’s palm runs up the inside of my thigh and I forget all about my fake boyfriend.

  “I’m pretty sure you already tried that and it was a success.” I laugh as he pushes my skirt out of the way and runs his fingertips along the edge of my underwear.

  Kissing my cheek, he scoots his body down the bed and situates himself between my legs with his chin resting on my thigh. I watch his face as he stares at his fingers that continue to lightly skim over my underwear. My breath catches at his fierce concentration. He places a kiss on the inside of my thigh and then kisses his way up my leg, his fingers working their way under the edge of my underwear.

  “What are you doing?” I whisper, following it up with a soft moan when he pulls my underwear to the side and then presses his lips right to my clit.

  “Shh, just close your eyes,” he tells me.

  I have no choice when I feel his tongue dart out and circle me. My eyes close automatically and I arch my back as he licks me slowly.

  So this is what I’ve been missing all these years. Holy Jesus.

  He flattens his tongue and adds more pressure as he laps at me, like he’s licking an ice cream cone. A vagina-flavored ice cream cone. Dairy Queen should put that on their menu. I would buy one for Gavin every single day.

  He leans in closer and his lips join his tongue as he sucks and licks at me. It feels amazing … for about ten seconds. And then something weird happens. I know he’s still down there because I’ve opened my eyes and I’m staring right at the top of his head between my legs, but suddenly, I don’t feel him there anymore. I see his head moving, I witness his tongue darting out every few seconds as he goes to town on me, but I feel nothing. This isn’t a dream is it? One of those weird wet dreams where you’re just about to come and then wake up? What the fuck is going on?

  Bringing my hands up to my face, I rub my palms roughly against my eyes, pulling them away and looking back down between my legs.

  Okay, I’m awake and this isn’t a dream. Am I suddenly paralyzed from the waist down? Oh holy shit, I’ve just gone paraplegic! I read about that happening to a woman in Brazil. She was just sitting there at the dinner table when all of a sudden she couldn’t feel her legs, and now she’s in a wheelchair. I DON’T WANT TO BE IN A WHEELCHAIR THE REST OF MY LIFE! Can oral sex cause paralysis?

  Glancing over to the nightstand next to Gavin’s bed, I see my iPhone. He’s still busy so it’s not like he’s going to notice if I pull up Google on my phone. I can wiggle my toes so it can’t be that bad.

  Damn, I need a pedicure. I should schedule one for tomorrow.

  I haven’t made any encouraging noises in a few minutes; I should probably do that so Gavin doesn’t think anything is amiss. I don’t want him to never do this again. The first couple of seconds were mind-blowing. Maybe that’s how oral sex is. You have to build up your tolerance for it. Maybe next time he does this, I’ll feel it for thirty seconds. Then after that, a full minute.

  Fuck, why did I put my phone so far out of reach?

  “Oh yeah, just like that,” I say, trying to keep the boredom out of my voice.

  Do you have to wait a certain amount of time between orgasms? Maybe it’s like swimming after eating. Lifting my arm up, I check my watch. It’s been two hours since my last orgasm. Is that too soon to have another one?

  “You taste so good, baby,” Gavin says in between licks.

  “Um, thanks?” I mutter.

  It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy that he called me baby. Too bad that warmth doesn’t travel to my vagina. What if it’s broken? Did we break it when I lost my virginity?

  “Mmmmm, yeah,” I add in a breathy voice so he doesn’t stop.

  I’ve heard girls say that in pornos when they’re getting oral. That sounds about right. I don’t want to tell him to stop. What if he thinks I don’t like what he’s doing? I’m assuming I would like what he’s doing if I could feel it. He’s got a great tongue and he knows how to use it. I think.

  Did I remember to turn off my straightening iron at home? Mom will kill me if I left that thing plugged in again.

  Pretending like I’m really into this, I moan some more and start moving my hips, angling myself closer to the nightstand at the same time. Reaching my arm out slowly and making sure he’s still preoccupied with my broken vagina, I grab my phone.

  Gavin glances up at me and I quickly bring both of my hands to my chest, hiding my phone against me. “Oh yeah, that feels so good. Keep going.”

  He looks away from me and keeps on keeping on. I make sure to continue moving my hips against him as I pull up the message app on my phone and
send off a quick text to Molly.

  Can u make sure I unplugged my straightener? Thx.

  Pressing send, I glance down at Gavin. Man, he’s really working it. Lips, tongue, fingers … if only I could feel it. My phone vibrates and I hide the noise with another loud moan while I check my messages.

  It’s unplugged. Whatcha doin? I’m bored. - Molly

  “Don’t stop,” I mutter as I type a reply to my sister.

  Eh, nothing much. I’m prob not going to be home till late. Wanna go shopping tmrw?

  I wonder if those shoes I wanted are still on sale at Macy’s? They were so cute. Rocco would love them.

  “Does it feel good? Are you close?” Gavin asks.

  Quickly hiding my phone next to my hip, I smile down at him and nod my head. “Oh, so good. I’m really close.”

  He dives right back in, and when I’m sure he’s not paying attention to me, I bring up Google and type in numb vagina.

  Hmmm, sitting for long periods of time can cause a numb vagina. I didn’t really sit down today for more than a few minutes, so that’s not it. Nerve damage? Oh fuck no! What if I have damaged nerves? That doesn’t sound like something easy to fix. “Hey, Doc, so I have this problem with broken nerves in my vagina. Get your scalpel, STAT!”

  Certain yeast infection remedies have ingredients in them that soothe and cause numbing. That sounds about right, but I don’t have cottage cheese vagina so that isn’t it either. Clicking on the ingredients, I see one right at the top called Lysine. I’ve heard of that before. It’s in a few of my plumping lip-glosses. Looking away from my phone and down at Gavin, I ponder this for a few minutes while he slurps and licks away at my vagina. I look back at my phone and then down at Gavin. Back and forth, back and forth.

  SON OF A BITCH!

  Throwing my phone down on the bed, I reach down with both hands and grab handfuls of Gavin’s hair, pulling his head up.

  “Hey, I wasn’t finished yet,” he complains.

  “Did you put chapstick on before we got in bed?” I question.

  He starts to move his head back down between my legs, but I clutch tighter and hold him in place.

  His face scrunches up in pain as he stares at me. “Ouch! What? Chapstick? I don’t know. I think so.”

  “Give me the chapstick.”

  Gavin looks at me like I’ve lost my mind. “I’m kind of in the middle of something here.”

  “GIVE ME THE CHAPSTICK!” I scream.

  He scrambles up on his knees and fumbles in the back pocket of his jeans, quickly pulling out the small tube of MEDICATED FUCKING CHAPSTICK.

  Snatching it out of his hand, I read the ingredients.

  “Active ingredients include camphor, cooling menthol, and phenol to relieve pain.”

  Gavin continues to stare at me while I shoot him a dirty look.

  “What?”

  Sighing, I toss the chapstick at his chest. “You put on medicated chapstick before you went down on me.”

  I can see by the perplexed look on his face; he still doesn’t get it.

  “Tell me something. How did your lips feel right after you put on that chapstick?”

  He thinks about this for a minute before responding. “Tingly. And then they numbed a little. I don’t see what the problem is. I wanted to make sure my lips were nice and smooth before I did this. You should be thanking me.”

  Pulling my skirt down to cover myself, I scoot back on the bed until my back is against the headboard. “Say that again, out loud.”

  “You should be thanking me,” he replies.

  “No! Not that part. Sweet fucking hell … the part about your lips.”

  He huffs at me and puts his hands on his hips. “Tingly. And then they numbed a lit … Ohhhhhhhhhh.”

  He scrunches up his nose and winces at me. “So the whole time you couldn’t—”

  “Nope.”

  “And you were just making those noises so that—”

  “Yep.”

  He lets out a huge sigh, crawling up the bed and then sitting next to me, our shoulders touching as we both lean against the headboard and stare blankly at the wall across the room.

  “So, you wanna watch a movie or something?” he asks after a few minutes of silence.

  I shrug. “Sure.”

  Well, it’s good to know there’s no awkwardness between us.

  “I can’t believe you had sex for the first time in the back seat of a car. You are such a whore,” Ava tells me over the phone.

  Even her annoying judgment can’t put me in a bad mood right now. I had sex with Gavin. I had sex with Gavin and I had not one, but two orgasms. Whoever invented vibrators should be king of the world.

  “Did you tell him you love him yet?” Ava questions as I pull into Gavin’s driveway and check myself in the rearview mirror one last time before getting out of my car.

  “No, not yet. There’s one more thing I want to check off of my list before I do that,” I inform her as I make my way up his front walk.

  “Please tell me you aren’t doing the food one,” Ava begs.

  “What? Why? That’s a fun one. And now that we’ve got the whole virginity thing out of the way, it will be awesome,” I explain.

  “Alright, fine. But don’t say I didn’t warn you,” she tells me ominously before I roll my eyes and end the call.

  Taking a deep breath, I reach my hand up and knock on his door. It’s been a few days since the whole losing of the virginity thing, but I am happy to say that it hasn’t been awkward between us at all. Gavin has been busy with work but we’ve talked on the phone every day. Before I finally admit that I love him and that I’ve spent all these months using a list Rocco made of things that would get him to fall in love with me, I want to have some fun.

  The door opens and Gavin stands in the doorway, looking me up and down. “Nice coat.”

  He smiles at me and pushes the door open wider so I can come in. I borrowed one of Molly’s white chef coats for the evening. And I’m not wearing anything underneath it.

  “Are you cooking me dinner?”

  I laugh and slide my hand into his, pulling him through the apartment and into his kitchen. “Nope, you know I can’t cook. I’ve got something better planned,” I tell him.

  Stopping next to the fridge, I turn around to face him and unbutton the front of the coat until it’s draped open and I’m just standing in a matching black lace bra and thong.

  “Never mind. That coat sucks,” he mutters as he stares at me.

  He moves to come closer and I hold up my hand in front of him. “Nope. You just stay right there and close your eyes.”

  Gavin does as I ask and I quickly turn to the fridge and open the door.

  “Are you making yourself a snack?” he asks with a laugh.

  “Shush! Don’t move and keep your eyes closed.”

  Bending down to stare into the fridge, I have a moment of doubt as I stare at the vast emptiness in front of me. How the hell am I going to do this? I knew I should have stopped at the store before I came here. Glancing around quickly, I grab the first bottle I see and quickly shut the door. Pulling up on the lid, I squirt the best upside down heart I can manage on my chest.

  “Okay, you can open your eyes now,” I tell him.

  Gavin blinks his eyes open and stares. “Wow. Okay. Still hot. But what is that?” he asks, pointing to the heart.

  “It’s mustard. And you’re going to lick it off me,” I tell him with a confident smile.

  This was such a better idea when I imagined it with chocolate sauce in my head.

  “Mustard … I’m going to … yeah. That’s hot. That’s totally hot. I’m okay with this.”

  He walks up to me and gulps before lowering his head slower than I’ve ever seen him move. He scrunches up his face like he’s in pain, and I’m starting to get a complex here.

  “Is something wrong? I have a heart on my boobs that needs to be removed with your tongue,” I remind him.

  His mouth is hovering
a few inches from my boobs, and he shakes his head back and forth quickly. “Nope. Nothing wrong. Nothing wrong at all. You are totally hot and I am going to lick this … mustard off of you. I’m going to do it and it’s going to be awesome.”

  Right now it sounds like he’s giving himself a pep talk instead of reassuring me that he’s good.

  I know it’s not chocolate sauce, but come on! Half naked woman standing here! I close my eyes as he starts to move forward again and right when I feel his warm breath on my chest and anticipate the feel of his tongue against my skin, I hear a gagging sound. Popping my eyes open, I look down at him.

  “Are you gagging right now? Oh my God, Gavin! You’re totally gagging when your mouth is right by my boobs!” I shout.

  “It’s … not … your … boobs! I … love … your … boobs!” he yells, gagging in between each word as he backs away.

  “I cannot believe you’re gagging!” I tell him, stomping my foot.

  “Oh God, I’m sorry! I hate … mustard. Oh Jesus, I thought I could do this but I can’t. It’s … mustard … fuck … mustard is … uuugghh … mustard.”

  “WILL YOU STOP SAYING MUSTARD IF IT MAKES YOU SICK?!” I shout, reaching for a towel on the counter and quickly wiping the mustard heart off of my chest.

  “Why the hell do you have mustard in your fridge if you hate it?” I demand.

  “I don’t know! I’m a dude. Dudes always have mustard in their fridge!”

  “There, is that better?” I ask, tossing the towel into the sink and holding my arms out.

  “Yes, much better,” he tells me with a sigh as he moves back toward me.

  He wraps his arms around my waist and pulls me up against him. Just as soon as our bodies touch, he pushes me away and takes a step back.

  “Nope, not better. I can still smell it. Oh Jesus, it’s so mustardy!”

  His hand is covering his mouth at this point and he’s bent over at the waist. In an angry huff, I turn around and march back to the fridge, flinging the door open and grabbing random items. I take the lid off of the first bottle in my arsenal, whirl around, and start pitching it in his general direction. A-1 sauce rains down on his head and all over the kitchen floor.