by Sandy Taylor
‘I will continue to investigate Mrs Grainger’s whereabouts. The house agent might know something, she may have left a forwarding address for her mail. As soon as I have news, I will let you know. I have your address and you have mine. Keep in touch, Cissy, and have a safe journey home.’
‘Thanks for everything,’ I said, putting my arms around her. ‘I don’t know what I would have done without you.’
‘I didn’t do much, I wish I could have done more.’
‘But you were there and you believed me and took care of me. I’ll always remember that.’
‘God’s speed, girl.’
I bought a ticket for a single cabin, courtesy of Mrs Grainger. I couldn’t face having to share with anyone. I needed to be where people weren’t, so I thought I’d put her money to good use. I’d never had this amount of money in my life but it meant nothing. Just as money doesn’t make you a good person, it doesn’t make you happy either. It was never going to bring Nora back.
I hadn’t expected to sleep but the motion of the boat rocked me into a deep but troubled slumber. I was chasing someone through dark places, tunnels and woods. They were always just ahead of me – a rustling in the undergrowth, the movement of a branch as if someone had just brushed past and then it was me that was being chased. Running, running away from some unknown terror, my legs heavy and slow, hardly able to move at all, a scream for help dying in my throat as the danger came closer and closer.
I woke up sobbing, my heart beating out of my chest. I was hot and sweaty, my hair was sticking to my forehead. I got out of the bunk, splashed cold water on my face and went up onto the deck. The cool morning breeze ruffled my hair and the sea was as calm as a mill pond. It seemed like a lifetime ago that I had sailed to England. There was no baby in my tummy this time and I was filled with guilt that I hadn’t treasured her when she was safe inside me.
In the distance, I could just make out the hazy green hills of Ireland. A small thread of warmth found its way into my heart. I was going home, I would soon be with the people who loved me. I had a lot of explaining to do and I wasn’t sure that I was ready for it. I was going to disappoint Mammy and break Colm’s heart but the worst had happened and whatever lay ahead, I would just have to face it. I’d been a young naïve girl when I’d left Paradise Alley, but I was coming back a woman. I may not have a baby in my arms but I was a mother now and I always would be.
There were lots of people on the quayside as the boat sailed into Cork harbour. I picked up my case and joined the other passengers walking down the gangplank, then boarded the coach that would take me to Ballybun.
The closer we got to home, the worse I felt. My heart was beating out of my chest and I felt as if I was going to be sick. The reality of what I was about to do suddenly hit me. No one was expecting me home, they thought I was still happily working in a big house in London. I was going to have to admit that it had all been a load of lies, that I had given birth to a baby girl. I had deceived them just as Mrs Grainger had deceived me.
When the coach pulled into the town I made straight for Mary’s house. I couldn’t go home yet, I couldn’t face the mammy. The door was open and a couple of the kids were playing ball outside. ‘Are you home from England, Cissy?’ asked Brenda, one of Mary’s sisters.
I couldn’t speak and just nodded.
‘Mammy,’ yelled the girl, ‘Cissy’s home from England!’
Mrs Butler came to the door. I put my arms around her and cried as if my heart was breaking into two pieces. ‘Holy Mother of God, what’s wrong, child?’ she said, holding me.
‘I need to see Mary,’ I sobbed.
Mrs Butler led me to a chair and Brenda carried my case into the room.
‘Brenda,’ said Mrs Butler. ‘I want you to run like the wind out to the Green Park Hotel and bring Mary back. Tell her that Cissy is here and she needs her.’
‘I will, Mammy, I’ll run as fast as I can.’
‘The rest of you,’ she said, addressing the other children, ‘I want you to go across the road to Mrs Daly and tell her that I have a personal problem to deal with and she’s to take you in. I’ve looked after her tribe often enough and tell her she’ll have to give you your dinner.’
Mrs Butler didn’t ask me any questions as I sat there, she just put a shawl around my shoulders and gave me a cup of tea. ‘I’ve put a pile of sugar in it, Cissy, it’s supposed to help with the shock.’
In no time at all Brenda and Mary came through the door. ‘Jesus girl, how did you get back so quick?’ said Mrs Butler.
‘Colm Doyle picked me up on the way out to the hotel, Mammy.’
‘You didn’t tell him I was here, did you?’ I snapped.
Brenda’s eyes filled with tears, ‘But you are here, Cissy, I didn’t know I wasn’t to say.’
‘It’s alright, Brenda,’ I said. ‘It’s alright, I’m sorry.’
Mary knelt down in front of me. ‘What’s wrong, Cissy?’
‘Brenda, go across to Mrs Daley’s with the others.’
‘Aw, Mammy!’
‘Go on now. You were a good girl for fetching Mary here so quickly.’
Mrs Butler looked across at us. ‘I’ve a few errands to run so I’ll leave you girls to talk.’
‘Do you mind, Mammy?’ said Mary.
‘Not at all, I’ll be back later. Whatever is wrong, Cissy, I’m sure it can be worked out in God’s own good time. You’re home now.’
‘Thank you,’ I said.
‘I’m glad you felt that you could come here.’
We waited until Mary’s mammy got her things together and left.
‘Oh, Mary,’ I said. ‘It’s so good to see you.’
Mary reached across and held my hands in hers. ‘It’s good to see you too. Does yer mam know you’re home?’
I shook my head. ‘I can’t face her yet,’ I said.
‘What has happened to you, Cissy?’ she said gently.
‘It’s a long story.’
‘I’ve all the time in the world… I’ve probably got the sack now anyway for walking out in the middle of a shift.’
‘Oh, Mary, no!’
‘Don’t worry, I’m leaving anyway. But enough about me, it’s you I want to hear about.’
And so I told her my story, from the moment I fell in love with my baby to the moment she was taken from me.
‘The bloody bitch!’ said Mary, when I’d finished speaking. ‘How could she do that? How could she?’
‘Because in her eyes I was nobody.’
‘Is there no way you can get her back?’
‘She could be anywhere, Mary, I wouldn’t even know where to start. I have to accept she’s gone, or I’ll go mad.’
‘God forgive me but I could strangle her with my own two hands.’
‘I’d say you’d have to line up behind a convent full of nuns once I tell them what’s happened.’
‘I’m so sorry, Cissy, your heart must be broken.’
‘It is, and I suppose it always will be. And I’ve still to tell Colm.’
‘Colm’s a good feller, I’d say he’d forgive you.’
‘He might forgive me but he won’t be wanting to marry me, not when he knows what I’ve done, how I’ve lied to him.’
There was a tap on the window. ‘That’ll be him. Oh, Mary, what am I to do?’
‘You’re going to tell him the truth.’
Mary opened the door and Colm was across the room and holding me in his arms before I could even say hello. I breathed in the smell of him; I never wanted to let him go.
He held me at arm’s length. ‘Why didn’t you tell me you were coming home?’ he said, grinning. ‘I would have met you off the boat.’
My eyes filled with tears. ‘Oh, Colm,’ I said.
‘What’s wrong?’ he asked, frowning,
I shook my head.
‘Jesus, Cissy, just tell him!’ urged Mary.
‘Tell me what?’
I wanted to delay this moment, I wanted him to keep lovi
ng me. ‘Come and sit down.’
‘You’re worrying me now,’ he said.
‘I didn’t go to England for a job, Colm.’
He stared at me. ‘Then why did you go?’
I looked down at the old stone floor. I didn’t want to see the shock in his face when I told him the truth. ‘I had a child, Colm. I went to England to give birth to a child. There was no grand job. I lied to you, I lied to everyone.’
His face was white as he stood up and stepped away from me. I’d lost him, as I’d known I would.
Tears were pouring down my face. ‘I’m so sorry, Colm. I’m so sorry.’
But then his arms were around me again and he was kissing my cheek and smoothing my hair. I looked across at Mary and she was crying too.
I was in Colm’s arms, I had come home.
Chapter Fifty-Five
I didn’t know whether Colm still wanted me, all I knew was that he had been kind to me and for now, that was enough. If all he was offering was friendship, then I would take it with both hands and be grateful for it. I had to have him in my life. I needed him as I had never needed him before. If he walked away now, I would be lost.
We were both quiet as Blue trotted through the town and under the archway into Paradise Alley. We stopped outside the cottage and he helped me down from the cart.
‘Do you want me to come in with you?’
I shook my head. ‘No, I must do this on my own.’
‘She’ll understand, Cissy,’ he said gently.
I turned back to him. ‘When will I see you, Colm?’
‘Soon, Cissy.’
‘Colm?’
‘Go on now.’
Mammy was standing in the middle of the room with her hands stretched out towards me. I dropped my case on the floor and fell into her arms. Oh, the joy of being back home in the little cottage, the joy of being with the mammy! We clung to each other, laughing and crying. ‘Nellie Mahon saw you getting off the bus and she made it her business to come all the way down to the laundry to let me know. She was delighted with herself.’
Buddy was on the couch, he hadn’t moved. ‘He’s forgotten me,’ I said sadly.
‘Give him time, Cissy.’
I held my hand out towards him and let him sniff me and then in a bound he was on my lap, yelping and licking my face. ‘Yes, Buddy,’ I said, rubbing his ears. ‘I’m home, I’m home.’
‘Will you eat something, Cissy? I picked up a fine piece of ham on my way back through the town and a couple of grand tomatoes.’
I suddenly realised not only was I hungry, I was starving.
‘That would be lovely, Mammy.’
‘And then we’ll talk, yes?’
I nodded.
We chatted about this and that as we ate the good food, smiling at each other across the table. Once we’d finished eating, Mammy led me across to the couch and we sat down. She didn’t say anything right away and then she took hold of my hand. ‘Was it a boy or a girl?’ she said gently.
I stared at her. ‘You knew?’
‘You’re my child, Cissy. I couldn’t believe that you would leave your home and the people you loved for a job in England, I knew there was more to it than that. I went to see Father Kelly a few months ago.’
‘And he told you?’
‘No, but he looked as guilty as if he’d stolen the food from the mouths of the poor.’
I stared down at Mammy’s hands. They felt rough in mine, from years of toiling in the workhouse and the laundry. I looked up at her. ‘A little girl, Mammy, a beautiful little girl. I named her Nora.’
Mammy nodded. ‘Where is she now?’
She kept hold of my hands as I told her my story and by the end of it we were both crying. ‘My poor child,’ she said. ‘My poor little Cissy.’
‘She’s gone, Mammy, I’m never going to see her again.’
‘Was it Father Kelly who arranged it all?’
‘Yes.’
‘Then we’ll go and see him, we’ll let him know what has happened. He may be able to help.’
‘It’s too late.’
‘It’s never too late. Didn’t you and me find each other again? I’d all but given up hope that I would ever have the chance to be a mother to you and then the old goat changed his mind and offered us a roof over our heads.’
I smiled, thinking of the granddaddy and how he hadn’t wanted me here at first. ‘I still miss him, Mammy.’
‘So do I, although I never thought I would, but there, you never know where life is going to take you. Don’t give up hope, Cissy. Your little girl is out there somewhere and she’s alive, she just needs to find her way home.’
‘She’s just a baby, how can she do that?’
‘Maybe that God of yours will light her way. He raised the dead, didn’t he? I’d say that bringing one small baby back to its rightful mother shouldn’t be too difficult.’
I smiled at the mammy but I knew that even God was no match for Mrs Grainger. I didn’t want to hope, it would destroy me.
‘Is the child Anthony’s?’
For a minute I didn’t know what she was talking about. ‘Anthony?’ I said.
‘Isn’t that what you called him? The lad up at the Hall that you were so keen on?’
I shook my head. ‘There was no Anthony, Mammy. I’m sorry I lied to you.’
‘Who then?’
I didn’t want her to know, she would be up at the Hall battering the door down. I’d been through enough, I wanted nothing to do with the Brettons. ‘Would you be angry if I said I wanted to keep it to myself?’
‘You are old enough to have a child, so I’d say you are old enough to keep what is private to yourself.’
‘Thank you, Mammy.’
We sat together on the couch. Mammy’s arms were around me as I told her about the kindness of the nuns and the new friends I’d made. ‘So, you see there were some happy times as well as sad ones.’
‘It was the same for me, Cissy. I missed you every day when we were in the workhouse but I made a great friend in Kate Foley. I’d never been one for close friendships but when you are thrown together in difficult times you are grateful for the closeness of others. The poet John Donne must have found himself in similar circumstances when he said, “no man is an island”.’
I smiled at her. ‘I didn’t know you liked poetry, Mammy?’
‘I don’t. I find it frivolous and I have never been one for frivolity, you need money for that, but that stuck in my mind for some reason.’
The mammy was a mystery to me; she always had been, she wasn’t like other mammys. She’d never asked anything of anyone; not money or company or even advice, she kept her own counsel. It made me proud to be a part of her, it made me proud to be her daughter. I would never see that pride in my own baby’s eyes. I had carried her for nine months, she had sucked at my breast, she had slept in my arms but she wouldn’t remember me. My heart was breaking: my own daughter wouldn’t even remember me.
Chapter Fifty-Six
The following weeks went by in a blur of pain and disbelief at all that had happened. I ate what Mammy put in front of me and I lay awake through the long dark nights. Some nights she would sit with me on the couch downstairs as dawn came up over Paradise Alley. I didn’t want to see anyone and I didn’t want to step outside the cottage. I was safe here, no one could harm me. I couldn’t even face Colm. Mammy walked up to the grey house and told him that I needed to be alone for a while.
‘What did he say?’ I asked.
‘He said he will be there when you need him.’
Father Kelly came to Paradise Alley and I told him my story.
‘I feel responsible for this, Cissy,’ he said, looking concerned.
‘Please don’t, Father. You helped me when I needed help, you weren’t to know what would happen.’
‘I will write to Father Sullivan, he may have some news.’
‘It’s too late, Father,’ I said sadly. ‘Mrs Grainger’s gone and she’s taken Nora with he
r. She must have had this planned all along and she will have covered her tracks. We’ll never find her.’
‘The Holy Sisters of Mercy wrote to me, Cissy. They hadn’t heard from you and they were worried. I told them you were home.’
‘I should have written myself.’
‘I’ve put their minds at rest but I’m sure they would love to hear from you.’
‘They were so kind to me, Father, you couldn’t have sent me to a better place. If there is any blame here, it lies with Mrs Grainger alone and not with you.’
‘Have you been to see Mary?’
‘I went straight to her when I got off the coach.’
‘So you know her news?’
‘What news?’
‘She’s off to America in a few weeks.’
My heart dropped. Mary had said she was going but I hadn’t really understood what she meant until now. ‘She’s really going?’
‘She is, you should spend some time with her while you have the chance.’
‘She’d have to come here, Father.’
‘Wouldn’t you like to walk beside your friend in God’s good clean fresh air before she leaves you?’
Mammy sat down beside me and held my hand. ‘Maybe it’s time to face the world, my love,’ she said gently.
I looked into the faces of these two people who only wanted the best for me and I slowly nodded.
It was Mary’s half day so I met her from work and we walked across the road to the beach. It was a beautiful spring day, the sort of day that would have once made me feel glad to be alive. The afternoon sun sparkled on the water as we sat together on the wall. ‘I’m going to miss you, Mary,’ I told her.
‘I’ll miss you too, Cissy. I’ve been dreaming of this for so long but now it’s really going to happen, I’m scared. How am I going to say goodbye to my family?’
‘Are you sure this is what you really want? You don’t have to go, you know. When I left, I didn’t have a choice but you do.’
‘I’m all over the place, Cissy. One minute I’m certain it’s what I want and the next I just want to say no, I’ve made a mistake, I can’t leave Ballybun, I can’t leave everything I know and love.’
