by Sandy Taylor
We sat in silence looking out over the sea. ‘Will America be this beautiful?’ she said, linking her arm through mine. ‘Will I find a friend that I love as much as I love you? Will I ever get over leaving my brothers and sisters, me mam and dad?’
‘All I can say is that the last thing I ever expected to find in England was friendship but I did and you will too, I’m sure of it.’
‘Maybe.’
Mary sounded so unhappy that I was beginning to worry about her. ‘Have you spoken to anyone else about how you feel?’
‘No one. I’ve been going on about this for years, I’d feel a right eejit if I suddenly announced that I’d changed my mind, with my ticket bought and my case packed.’
‘I think it’s more important that you are absolutely sure about this than whether or not someone thinks you’re an eejit. This is your whole future, Mary, you have to be sure it’s what you want.’
‘Every time I put something in the case I feel sick. Oh, Cissy, what am I doing?’
‘You’re going on a great adventure, Mary. There’s whole new world out there across the sea, a whole new world called America. This has been your dream for as long as I can remember and dreams don’t come along every day of the week. If it’s not the dream you hoped for, then you’re just going to have to save up again for your fare home.’
She grinned. ‘You’re right, Cissy, I can always come home.’
‘Of course, you can, America isn’t going to hold you hostage.’
‘What’s your dream, Cissy?’
‘To hold my child again.’
‘Oh, Cissy, I’m sorry.’
‘I know you are.’
‘I wish I’d seen her.’
‘I wish you had too, for she was beautiful.’
We sat again in silence looking out over the sea. Today the beach was deserted, stretching out way beyond the lighthouse and in the other direction, towards the town. This was my home and I never wanted to leave these shores again.
‘She is still beautiful, Cissy,’ said Mary, ‘and if my dream can come true then maybe with the help of God, yours will too.’
‘I’ve kind of given up on God, Mary, or God’s given up on me.’
‘You know better than that, Cissy Ryan. God never gives up on anyone, even if it takes Him a long time to get around to it. He must have a list as long as your arm of people wanting His help.’
‘Well, He’s certainly testing my faith this time.’
‘I’ll pray for you, Cissy. Not that I can promise He’ll listen to me, I’m a desperate sinner.’
‘You are not!’ I said, grinning.
‘Anyway, I’ll give it a go, sure we’ve nothing to lose.’
‘When are you leaving?’
‘In two weeks’ time, April the eleventh.’
‘From Cork?’
‘Queenstown.’
‘And how are you getting there?’
‘I’m going on the coach, Father Kelly is coming with me.’
‘What about your parents? Aren’t they going to see you off?’
‘Mammy said she wouldn’t be able to stand on the quayside and watch the boat leave and Daddy goes along with whatever Mammy says. I’ll say goodbye to them all at home. Will you see me off, Cissy? You and Colm?’
‘Of course, I will. I don’t know about Colm though, we haven’t spoken since the day I came home.’
‘Why not?’
I shrugged my shoulders. ‘I don’t know how to face him.’
‘Well, if I’m brave enough to get on a boat and sail thousands of miles away across the sea, I’m sure you can walk to the end of Paradise Alley and kiss the face off Colm Doyle.’
I grinned at her. ‘I’m going to miss you, Mary Butler.’
‘We’ll write,’ she said. ‘We’ll write all the time. I’ll tell you all about America and you can tell me all about life in Ballybun. I won’t forget you, Cissy.’
‘Promise?’
‘I promise.’
Chapter Fifty-Seven
It was as if I’d never been away. Life in Ballybun had gone on without me; nothing had changed except me. Everyone wanted to know about England.
Nellie Mahon cornered me outside the bakery. She stood too close to me and I had the urge to push her away. She had mean little eyes that peered out from under wiry grey eyebrows that looked like a couple of unruly bushes.
‘Did your mother tell you that it was me that saw you stepping off the bus?’
‘She did, Mrs Mahon.’
‘And did she tell you that I went all the way out to the laundry to inform her of your arrival?’
‘She did, and she was grateful.’
‘Did she say that?’ said Mrs Mahon, looking pleased with herself.
‘She did.’
‘I thought it was my Christian duty to let her know. She looked very surprised, Cissy. Did you not tell her you were coming home?’
‘I thought I’d surprise her.’
‘I’m not one for surprises meself, I find there’s an air of deceit about them. Not that I’m saying you were deceitful, you understand.’
‘Of course,’ I said, trying to edge away from her.
She caught hold of my arm. ‘Is England full of pagans? Did they try to convert you to the Protestant faith?’
‘No, they didn’t, I found the people to be very kind.’
‘You probably didn’t notice, Cissy, with you being so innocent but I’ve heard terrible tales of brainwashing and white slavery.’
‘I don’t think there was anything like that going on, Mrs Mahon.’
‘Well, in my opinion, I think you had a lucky escape. I’d say they are more to be pitied than feared. Our Blessed Lord in His wisdom must have taken care of you.’
I started to walk away when she said. ‘Are you home to stay now, Cissy?’
‘I think so, Mrs Mahon.’
‘Sure, your poor mother will be glad of the company, all alone in that cottage with neither kith nor kin to give her comfort. As you well know, I’m not one to poke my nose in other people’s business but I’ve heard that Mr Collins from up at the farm is around a lot these days. Are they stepping out?’
‘I really must go, Mrs Mahon,’ I said. ‘My mother will be waiting for the bread.’
‘Well, it’s good to see you home safe and sound, back where you belong. I’ll maybe call in for a cup of tea some time.’
Oh please don’t, I thought as I hurried home through the town. I couldn’t wait to tell Mammy about the white slavery, it would make her laugh. I loved to see the mammy laugh, she didn’t do it often enough.
Things had changed between Colm and me. I wasn’t the same young girl who had left Ireland. Some days I felt as though I had grown far beyond my years. Colm was six years older than me but it didn’t feel that way any more. He’d stayed here in Ballybun, delivering the milk and tending to Blue. Nothing had changed for him but it had for me: I had a child and I would never be the same again.
We took long walks just as we used to, out the wood road and along the strand, with Buddy running between us. I avoided the places I had been with Peter Bretton, those secret places that for a while I had lived for. Being with Colm made me realise what a stupid girl I had been, to think that Peter loved me, or that I had loved him. How blind I had been to the goodness in Colm and how easily I had fallen for Peter’s lies.
Ballybun was a small town and I lived in fear of bumping into any of the Bretton family. Had Caroline Bretton told her brother of her suspicions? Did he know that I had gone to England to have his child? Well, he would never hear it from my lips, that was for sure. I might not have had Nora for long but I had held her and seen her sweet smile and loved her, which is more than any of them would ever get the chance to do.
I wrote a letter to Annie to let her know that I was home and I asked Colm to deliver it for me. I suggested we meet on the beach the following evening when she finished work.
The next day I decided to visit Mrs Foley. The workhouse tow
ered above me as I climbed the hill and I remembered how me and Nora used to stare out of the window, waiting for our mammies to come and collect us. It seemed like a lifetime ago. The old building held no fear for me, just a deep sadness for the poor souls that were in there and knew no other life than the one within those stark grey walls.
I rang the bell and waited for Mr Dunne to let me in. He smiled when he saw it was me.
‘You’re a sight for sore eyes, Cissy,’ he said. ‘You’re looking well, girl.’
‘So are you, Mr Dunne.’
‘Not me, Cissy. I’m older than God and crippled with the arthritis, but there you go, we all have our crosses.’
‘I’ve come to visit Mrs Foley,’ I said.
‘She’s up at Nora’s grave, Cissy, shall I leave you to find her?’
I nodded and walked round the side of the house to the graveyard. I still found it hard to see the rows and rows of wooden crosses that covered the hillside; all those poor souls that had died within these walls. Me and Mammy had been the lucky ones, we had got to go home.
As I opened the gate that led up to the babies’ section, Mrs Foley was walking down the hill towards me.
‘Ah, Cissy, have you come to visit Nora’s grave?’
‘I’ve come to see you, Mrs Foley.’
‘Well, that’s a lovely surprise. Let’s go inside and I’ll make us a nice cup of tea. I heard you were back from England,’ she said, as she busied herself with the cups and saucers. ‘Your mother must be delighted to have you home.’
‘I’m sorry I haven’t been to see you for such a long time,’ I said. ‘I should have come before.’
‘There’s no “should” about it, we do things when we are able to and you’re here now.’
‘I suppose I just couldn’t face you.’
‘It was a sad time, Cissy, but I visit her every day and I talk to her. It’s a great comfort to me.’
‘I always thought that Nora and I would live together one day,’ I said sadly. ‘I didn’t realise she was so ill…’
‘She was never a strong child, not like yourself, but you made her very happy and I will always be grateful to you for that.’
‘I still can’t believe she is gone.’
‘Neither can I but that sweet girl is at peace now and you and I have our memories.’
Me and Mrs Foley sat at the table and drank our tea and talked about Nora and Mary.
‘You’ll miss your friend, Cissy, when is she off to America?’
‘In a couple of weeks.’
‘Nothing stays the same, does it?’
‘Maybe it’s not supposed to,’ I said.
That evening I sat on the rocks and waited for Annie. I could see Bretton Hall up on the hill and my stomach twisted as I was reminded of Peter and what we had done. I wondered if he was there and how he would react if he knew that he had fathered a child. I turned my eyes away from the house and looked out towards the sea. This place had always given me comfort and it still did, even though the windows of Bretton Hall felt as though they were boring into my back.
‘Cissy!’
I turned and saw Annie running down the path, her unruly hair flung back from her face. As I stood up and walked towards her, she fell into my arms.
‘Oh, Cissy,’ she said. ‘It’s so wonderful to see you. I’ve been so excited, I thought the day would never end!’
I slipped my arm through hers. ‘It’s lovely to see you too, Annie.’
We walked together along the shore line towards the town. ‘Shall we go to Minnie’s for a cup of tea and a bun?’
‘Oh, that would be grand, Cissy.’
As the weather was so nice Minnie had put tables outside and it was lovely sitting in the fresh air with the sound of the sea all around us.
‘So how is it up at the Hall?’ I asked.
‘Not the same without you. Mrs Hickey still has me nerves wrecked but she’s not a bad soul and I think she likes me.’
‘Of course she does, how could she not?’
‘And Miss Caroline is getting engaged.’
This was a surprise. ‘I feel sorry for the poor feller,’ I said, grinning.
‘If he’s daft enough to fall for that little madam he deserves all he gets.’
I didn’t really want to ask but I found myself saying, ‘And Master Peter?’
Annie bit into one of Minnie’s sticky buns and I waited.
‘He’s off on his travels, he’s been gone a year now. He’s nicer than his sister, don’t you think so, Cissy?’
‘Well he couldn’t be much worse.’
We stayed chatting until the light began to fade.
‘I’d better get back,’ said Annie sadly. ‘But oh, it was lovely to see you again.’
‘It was lovely seeing you as well,’ I said. ‘And we’ll be sure to keep in touch.’
Annie put her arms around me. ‘I’d like that,’ she said.
One evening I was up at the grey house sitting on a bale of hay, watching Colm brush Blue’s coat.
‘Did you know that Mary’s going to America in two weeks?’ I said.
‘The whole town knows,’ said Colm. ‘It’s quite an event.’
‘I said I’d see her off. Would you come with me?’
‘If you want me to.’
‘I do.’
‘Then I’ll come. I’d like to wave her off.’
‘Thanks.’
‘You’ll miss her.’
‘I don’t want to think about it. I always knew she was going, she talked about it often enough, but now it’s actually happening I feel terrible sad. She’s my only real friend.’
‘And who am I, a distant uncle twice removed?’ said Colm, winking.
I smiled, ‘You’re more than a friend, you’re, um…’
‘What?’
‘I’m not really sure, but more than just a friend.’
‘I’m glad to hear it, Miss Ryan.’
Colm continued to brush Blue until his coat shone like silk. ‘Is Blue really well now?’ I said.
‘Right as rain. He scared the bejeebers out of me, though.’
‘I remember.’
He put the brush down and sat beside me. ‘It wasn’t long after that you went away.’
‘I’m sorry, Colm.’
‘You could have told me, you know. We could have worked something out between us. You didn’t have to go to England.’
‘What else was I to do?’
‘You could have stayed here with me, would that have been so awful?’
I shook my head. ‘People would have talked.’
‘And what do we care about that?’
‘They would have thought you were the father.’
Colm took my face in his hands and gently kissed my forehead. ‘I love you, I always have and it looks like I always will. That funny little girl, waiting on the quayside, all wide-eyed and skinny-legged, found her way into my heart and stayed there. How could I not love a child that was a part of you?’
Why hadn’t I trusted Colm? Why hadn’t I turned to him and told him the truth? If I’d done that, Nora would be with me now. I leaned into him, trying to hide the tears that were running down my face.
We stayed like that for a while, warm and cosy in the old barn, listening to the goings-on in the alley outside and the sound of Blue breathing and the noises in the dark corners where the little creatures scuttled around.
He held me away from him and wiped my tears with his hand. ‘We’ll go to England, Cissy. And we’ll find out all there is to know about this woman, someone must know something.’
A tiny bit of hope entered my heart. ‘Would you do that for me?’
He brushed my hair away from my face. ‘I would, of course.’
‘You’ve never asked who my baby’s father is.’
‘I thought you’d tell me in your own good time.’
‘Do you want to know, Colm?’
‘I think I know.’
‘It’s Peter. Peter Bretton i
s Nora’s father.’
Colm just nodded. I wondered what he was thinking, I wished I could get inside his head.
‘You must have loved him,’ he said quietly.
‘I thought I did.’
‘And now?’
‘No, not now.’
‘Then we’ll deal with the rest together. We’ll go to England and we’ll find your baby.’
I put my arms around his neck. I had never loved Colm Doyle more than I did in that moment.
Chapter Fifty-Eight
Mary and I were sitting in Minnie’s discussing the party that Father Kelly was to throw for her.
‘It’s awful good of him to hold it at the rectory,’ said Mary.
‘He’s a good man, I’ve always thought so.’
‘Did he hear back from Father Sullivan?’
‘He did, but Father Sullivan was as shocked as he was. I don’t want to lose hope but isn’t false hope worse than accepting she’s gone?’
‘I don’t know, I’ve never lost a child so I don’t know how I would react.’
‘Colm has more hope than I have. He says we’ll go to England and find out where Mrs Grainger has taken Nora.’
‘Will you go?’
‘Of course.’
‘Does he know who her father is?’
‘He guessed, it wasn’t hard.’
‘A nice pot of tea,’ said Minnie, putting a tray down in front of us. ‘It’s lovely to have you home, Cissy, you were missed.’
‘Thanks, Minnie. I missed being away from you all.’
‘Let me know if you want the tea topping up.’
‘Thanks,’ I said.
Mary poured the tea. ‘So are you and Colm together?’
‘I wish to God I knew. He tells me he loves me but he’s told me that since I was a child. I feel like shaking the truth out of him.’
‘But he’s forgiven you?’
I stirred the sugar into the cup and added a drop of milk. ‘He’s never actually said as much.’
‘Have you asked him?’
‘I’m scared to.’
‘You should ask him, Cissy, then you’ll know where you stand.’
‘What should I say?’
‘You should say, “Are we just friends, Colm Doyle? Or are you secretly dying to ravage my young nubile body?” and if it’s the latter, you can start planning the wedding.’
