Far from Perfect (Perfect, Indiana: Book One)

by Longley, Barbara

  “Or else what?” Noah frowned. “Matt was an infant. It’s not like he had any control.”

  “His threats were nonspecific.” She stared off into space. “Just or else. The afternoon he left, we’d been fighting. Mark had quit his job because he didn’t feel he was being treated with enough respect.” She shot him an incredulous look. “He did unskilled manual labor, for crying out loud. That measly income was all we had, and he gave it up because of his stupid, immature, male ego!”

  “Sounds like you’re still angry.”

  “Of course I’m still angry. Even after all these years what he did still floors me, and that’s what you have to understand about Ceejay. She hasn’t gotten over what Matt did to her. When someone abandons you like that, there’s never any closure.”

  Noah shook his head. “You and Mark were too young to be parents.”

  “Would you have done such a thing?”

  “No.”

  “Exactly. Anyway, that afternoon, Matthew started wailing, and Mark pitched a fit. I sent him to the store for diapers, thinking it would give him time to cool down. He never came back.” Allison turned to face him. “That kind of trauma leaves a permanent scar. His betrayal hollowed out a place inside me the size of the Grand Canyon, and anger was the most natural thing to fill it with.” Allison rose from the couch. “Maybe I will have a cup of coffee.”

  Noah started to rise.

  “Stay put. I’ll get it.”

  She returned with two mugs and handed one to Noah before sitt stretching all the way back to the Civil Wark. His ing down and setting her cup on the floor. “It’s been a long time since I’ve talked about all of this.” She gave him a small smile. “I had no job, no education, and a newborn who depended upon me alone. It was the lowest, most frightening point in my life.”

  “You had your family.”

  “I didn’t think so at the time. We were estranged, and if Mark’s family had shown up after I’d managed to claw my way out of that black hole, I would’ve slammed the door in their faces. Ceejay is reacting exactly like I would have.”

  Noah thought about his step-uncles and grandparents. Allison was the youngest and the only girl in a family of five children in an Irish Catholic family. They all adored her, but he knew how stubborn and proud they could be. “They came through for you in the end.”

  “They gave me a job in the family business with the expectation that I’d come through for myself, which I did. Ceejay’s aunt did the same for her. She provided her with the support she needed to make her own way. We’re both very lucky to have had that kind of help. It’s been worse for Ceejay, though. Perfect is a small town, and she and Matt weren’t married.”

  Allison slapped her knees. “That’s enough of the maudlin. Lucinda is adorable, isn’t she? She has Matt’s eyes and his coloring. She’s precocious as all get out.”

  “Yeah, she is.” Noah reached for his stepmother’s hand and gave it a squeeze. It couldn’t have been easy to reveal so much about her past. “Give Ceejay some time, Mom. She’ll come around.”

  Allison sucked in her breath. “You haven’t called me Mom since you were little. I wish you’d never stopped.”

  Noah nodded, unable to speak.

  Allison cleared her throat. “I suppose you’ll be heading out now as well?”

  “I’m staying. The cycle you described has to stop somewhere.” The only good to come out of yesterday’s fiasco was that he now understood why Ceejay never looked for her mother or for Matt. The people in her life who should’ve cared the most left the quickest. She did her own kind of leaving in return, the only way she could—by shutting them out of her life and mind completely. He didn’t want to be shut out.

  Allison’s eyes widened. “Do you have feelings for Ceejay?”

  “I hardly know her.” Heat filled his face. Could she want a man like me? Half a man with a shattered mind and a busted rudder? “Lucinda needs to know she has a place in the Langford family, and that we care about her. If I leave now, it would be another abandonment of the next-generation kind.”

  Allison’s eyes held a knowing look. “It took a patient and persistent man like your father to tunnel through all the walls I put up.”

  “Patient? Edward Langford, right? We’re talking about my father?”

  Allison laughed. “You’d be surprised by what lies beneath that crusty shell of his. I love your father. He taught me how to trust again.”

  Noah straightened. “How?”

  “He didn’t give up on me. He held on like a barnacle and wouldn’t let go. I couldn’t shake him loose no matter how hard I tried.” Her called from the living roomt c expression turned wistful. “Believe me, I tried. All the times I pushed him away, what I really needed was proof that he’d stick around, and he knew it. Your father is very intuitive.”

  He shot her an incredulous look.

  “It’s true. He understands me like no one else ever has.” Allison grinned. “He can be a jerk, but there’s no doubt in my mind that he’s my jerk, and he always will be.”

  Noah smiled. Fondness for his hard-assed father warmed his insides. Yep, Edward Langford could be an ass, but Noah had never doubted that he cared. That was what made it especially difficult when they butted heads. No matter how far off the mark his actions, his father’s motives sprang from a fierce love for his family.

  Allison scanned his tiny living room. “If you’re going to stay, you might think about making this place more comfortable. It’s a darling apartment, but it looks like no one lives here.”

  “I’ve been meaning to buy furniture and a few other things I need.” Noah ran his hand over his scalp. “I’m not good at that sort of thing.”

  Allison rose from the couch. “I’m sorry I didn’t get a chance to thank Jenny or say good-bye.” She rifled through her handbag and pulled out her car keys. “Keep me updated. Maybe given some time, Ceejay will soften.”

  “Wait.” He pushed himself up from his place on the couch. “Help me pick out some stuff for the apartment today, and I also need a child’s car seat for my truck. Then I’ll take you to Jenny’s diner. You can thank her yourself.” Noah squared his shoulders. “I’m not giving up, and neither should you.”

  “I won’t.” Allison threw her arms around him for a quick hug. “I have a granddaughter, and she’s already stolen my heart. If anyone can chip away at Ceejay’s anger, it’s you.” Her voice quavered, and she sniffed. “Let’s go shopping.”

  Noah finished giving directions for the furniture delivery company. He shoved the receipt into his back pocket and headed for the children’s section of the department store, where Allison had promised to stay until he came for her. As he wended his way through the crowded mall, his insides coiled up like steel ready to spring. Too many people. Too many whining children being pushed in their strollers at a snail’s pace. All morning he’d listened to people complain about the dumbest shit, bickering with one another about nothing.

  Time to go.

  His stepmother stood by the register. A happy-to-be-shopping expression lit her face as the clerk rang up the little girl dresses piled high on the counter. She caught a glimpse of him, and her smile disappeared. “What’s wrong?”

  He wiped the sweat from his forehead. “I’ve got to get out of here.”

  “All right. We’re almost finished.” She handed the clerk her credit card.

  Shoving his hands into the front pockets of his jeans, Noah nodded and tried to hold on to the unraveling end of his sanity. Maybe you should try counting the next time being around people sends you into a panic. Ceejay’s words came back to him. He took a deep breath and started counting the racks of children’” Lucinda’s fingers edged up toward her mouth.s . His s clothing. Pacing through the maze of garments, he came to the women’s lingerie section, stopping amid the mannequins dressed in bits of satin and lace.

  The image of Ceejay in her bathrobe with the morning sun gilding her hair flashed through his mind. The coil inside him eased. T
o hell with counting clothes. He’d rather count the freckles sprinkled across Ceejay’s cheeks, or gaze into the pure blue depths of her eyes. Now that calmed him.

  Noah pictured her face, tender with love as she ran her fingers through Lucinda’s hair. What would it be like to have that look turned his way, or to feel her touch on his skin? One side of his mouth quirked up.

  “All right.” Allison thrust the bag full of little girl outfits at him. “Let’s go.”

  “Lucinda is going to love these,” he said. “She wears nothing but dresses.”

  Allison looped her arm through his. “I remember when Paige went through that phase.”

  “Yeah, me too. She used to tell everybody she was going to be a princess when she grew up.”

  “She kind of is,” Allison whispered.

  Noah laughed, and she glanced at him.

  “Feeling better?”

  “A little.” He held the door open, and a blast of Indiana heat and humidity enveloped them. They crossed the parking lot to his truck. Noah placed the shopping bag next to the new car seat he’d already installed in the backseat. Helping Allison into the cab, he wondered if Ceejay would allow Lucinda to have the dresses. It would break his stepmother’s heart if she didn’t. He settled himself into the driver’s seat. “Are you hungry?”

  “Famished. Shopping does that to me.”

  “You’re in for a treat. Jenny’s diner is like something straight out of the fifties. Black-and-white tiled floor, red Formica, and vinyl booths, and it’s all original. The food is country comfort all the way.” Would Jenny be as angry with him as Ceejay was? He hoped not. He’d grown fond of her, and he valued their friendship. “How did Jenny react to all this mess? Did you two talk about it last night?”

  “I showed up at their door believing you’d already told them who I was. I introduced myself as Matt’s mother and your step, and Jenny welcomed me with open arms.” Allison’s brow furrowed. “She didn’t seem at all surprised.”

  “That’s Jenny.” He remembered when she’d asked if his being there had anything to do with Ceejay. Maybe she did have some kind of special radar when it came to people.

  “What happened in the mall, Noah? When you joined me in the children’s department, you were so pale.”

  “It’s hard to explain.” His grip tightened on the steering wheel.

  “Try. I want to understand.”

  He eased out of the parking lot into the traffic. “In a militarized zone, you’re hypervigilant and pumping adrenaline twenty-four seven. Any minute could be your last, and you never know how the end might come. IEDs turn up everywhere.”

  “What’s an IED?”

  “Improvised explosive device. Insurgents don’t fight fair. You lose people close to you far too often and never lose si St. Mary’s c pight of the fact that they aren’t just soldiers. Somebody has lost a son or a daughter, a wife or a husband. Lots of soldiers are parents themselves. That leaves a kid somewhere without their mom or dad. Living under that kind of constant stress puts things into perspective.” He glanced at his stepmother. “Everything petty is stripped away.”

  “What does all that have to do with the mall?”

  He blew out a breath. “I have no patience. Getting trapped behind a couple arguing over whether the toilet seat gets left up or down makes me want to knock heads together. Being stuck behind a family pushing a stroller, or getting trapped in a crowd of strangers sends me into a panic. I have post-traumatic stress disorder, Mom. Paranoia, irritability, rage, panic, anxiety, and flashbacks. This is my life.”

  “I know your diagnosis.” She rested her hand on his forearm. “Until today, I didn’t understand what it meant. This is the first time I’ve seen what it does to you. If I could make it better, I would.”

  “I know.” Warmth flooded through him. “It’s something I have to learn how to cope with. Perfect is a good place for me to be right now. It’s quiet, peaceful, and I’m having fewer meltdowns.”

  “I wish you could’ve found that closer to home.” She propped her chin on her fist and stared out the window.

  The past few months must have been brutal for her. She’d spent every spare minute she could at his side while he’d been in the VA hospital, and then, just when he’d been ready to be discharged, she’d lost Matt. “Isn’t Paige home for the summer?”

  “No. She and some of her friends are sharing a house near campus. She has an internship for the summer that she’s really excited about.” She sighed. “You all grew up too fast.”

  Noah made a mental note to call his little sister. Maybe he could talk her into going home on the weekends. He checked the dashboard clock as he pulled into Perfect, hoping the lunch rush had ended. The thought of facing Jenny made his palms sweat.

  “Damn.” He pulled into a parking space near the diner.

  “What is it?”

  “Sheriff Maurer is here.”

  “You don’t like the sheriff?”

  “He doesn’t like me.” Noah took the key out of the ignition and breathed deep. His heart was pounding. “Let’s do this thing.”

  “You make having lunch here sound like one of your military missions. Are you sure you want to eat here?”

  He ran his hand over the back of his skull. “It sounded like a good idea when I suggested it, but...”

  “We don’t have to go in.”

  “Yes, we do.” He opened the door of his truck and climbed out.

  He helped Allison down and guided her inside the diner. It was nearly empty. Jenny and the sheriff shared a table toward the back. Jenny spotted them and rose from her chair, her expression welcoming.

  She gestured toward the table she shared with the sheriff. “Join us. I was just telling Harlen about your visit, Allison.”

  Great. “Sheriff Maurer, this is my stepmother, Allison Langford. Mom, this is eyes were riveted on herfa ever Sheriff Maurer.”

  “Call me Harlen, ma’am.” Sheriff Maurer stood up and eased a chair back for Allison. “Jenny told me about your recent loss. I’m sorry to hear it.”

  Noah blinked. This was not what he’d expected. The sheriff turned a baleful glare his way. Oh, good. Back in familiar territory.

  “Thank you, Harlen, and please call me Allison.” She sat down. “Jenny, I stopped by to thank you for last night and to say good-bye.”

  “You just got here,” Jenny cried. “Can’t you stay for a few days?”

  A young woman with menus tucked under her arm came by with a cloth and swiped the table clean while Jenny and the sheriff lifted their coffee mugs. “Today’s special is spaghetti and meatballs with garlic bread,” she said, handing them the menus.

  “That sounds good. I’ll have the special and an iced tea.” Noah took the seat with his back to the wall.

  “Same here.” Allison handed the menus back. The server went to place their order, and Allison turned to face Jenny. “I can’t stay. Ceejay doesn’t want me here, and I respect her wishes.”

  “As far as I’m concerned, you’re always welcome. I hope you realize she’s not really angry at you,” Jenny said. “She’s angry at Matt. You and Noah just happen to be in her line of fire.”

  Sheriff Maurer turned a glare his way. “You did lie to Ceejay and her aunt, though. Isn’t that right, son?”

  Noah swallowed. Why did they have to have this conversation in front of the sheriff? He turned to face Jenny. “I should’ve told you both who I was, but I wasn’t sure how the news would be received. I couldn’t risk losing the chance to get to know Lucinda.”

  “I figured you were here for a reason.” Jenny leaned back and studied him. “I had a feeling it had something to do with my niece. I know your heart is in the right place, even if you went about things all wrong.”

  “Thank you.” He blew out a breath.

  “I suppose you’ll be taking off with that fancy camper now,” Jenny remarked.

  “No, ma’am. I’m staying.” Noah caught a glimpse of something pass through her eyes. Satisf
action?

  Sheriff Maurer grunted and leaned back in his chair, crossing his arms over his chest.

  Noah shifted. “I talked to Ceejay about an idea I had. Your house needs work, and I need something useful to do. I’d appreciate it if you’d let me make some of the repairs.”

  “Noah comes highly recommended,” Allison added. “There’s nothing my stepson can’t do, and you won’t find a more skilled craftsman anywhere.”

  “The deal I proposed to Ceejay was that I do the work in exchange for rent.”

  Jenny shook her head. “We don’t expect you to—”

  “I know you don’t. I want to do this.”

  “The carriage house belongs to Ceejay, and so does the rental income. In her present state of mind, it’s not likely she’ll agree.”

  “I’ll keep paying rent, then. I and gave it a squeeze. Noah c have money. What I don’t have is an occupation, something to keep me busy. Look at this like it’s part of my PTSD therapy. You’d be helping me out, and we’d all benefit.”

  The laugh lines around Jenny’s eyes creased. ̶e to show her

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  CEEJAY SNAPPED HER CELL PHONE shut and groaned. According to the life insurance company, she needed a certified copy of Matthew’s death certificate to file her claim. Noah hadn’t included one in the envelope he’d dropped on her lap, which meant she’d have to track one down or talk to him. Her insides pitched a fit, part righteous anger, part guilt. Nope. Not ready for that. Besides, now that he’d delivered the goods and come clean about who he was, he’d probably break his lease and take off.

  Why did that churn up all kinds of regret? What she ought to feel was relief.

  The image of Noah sitting on the damp grass by Lucinda’s sandbox flashed through her mind. He’d taken the time to sculpt a pony out of sand for her little girl. How many men would do that? Not any she’d met. The rare look of joy on his face when Lucinda asked to sit on his lap, his patience with her daughter’s endless chatter at the zoo, the way he held her hand and watched over her...Ceejay’s eyes misted up.

  ">She blinked the sentiment back. Yeah, all those things were great, but none of it erased the fact that he’d lied, and none of it erased Noah’s connection to Matt. She didn’t need that constant reminder in her life.