Two Wheels on my Wagon

by Paul Howard

  In Ovando I had come across an old newspaper cutting in which an even older woman recounted her younger days in Rawlins. As a child, she recalled, she had been out on the street one day tending her chickens when an outlaw on horseback rode up and shot one of the luckless hens.

  ‘Make sure you tell your ma to pluck her and cook her when I return.’

  Daughter and mother wisely obliged. The outlaw returned for his meal and, when satisfied, paid up with a gold coin.

  It was also known as the haunt of one of the Wild West’s iconic characters, Martha Canary, better known as Calamity Jane. Fittingly, we cycled past the Wyoming State Penitentiary in which she had once resided, the result of ‘a disorderly drunken binge of legendary proportions’ according to the guidebook. It was an episode conveniently overlooked by the saccharine musical version of her life story. The jail had closed to its inhabitants in 1982 and was now a museum.

  More recent history was also less than flattering. While we had been riding the South Downs, Steve had said Rawlins was best avoided.

  ‘I just didn’t like the vibe of the place.’

  Even though it was only just 5 p.m. and Steve’s words were being borne out before our eyes, we had no desire to continue. Fortunately, Alan had been slightly more constructive.

  ‘It’s not so bad. Try Penny’s Diner.’

  We did. From the outside it looked great, a sleek silver trailer straight from the 1950s. The theme continued inside, with appropriately uniformed staff and booths into which the four of us could only just squeeze. The food was prompt and considerable, but the illusion of homespun charm was undone somewhat when we asked for dessert.

  ‘I’ll have a home-made apple pie, please.’

  ‘It shouldn’t say home-made ’cos it’s not made here. It’s all shipped in frozen,’ said the waitress.

  The look of disdain on her face meant I didn’t dare tell her I hadn’t really expected anything different.

  CHAPTER 20

  SAVED BY A SIREN

  DAY 17

  After eating our fill of non-home-made produce at Penny’s, we had booked into a nearby motel. It turned out to be as cheap and cheerless as the rest of the town, though I was prepared to accept that two days of being exposed to biblical portions of first rain and then sunshine were liable to have coloured my perception.

  Certainly, the stark beauty of last night’s camp had been replaced by an ugly, prefabricated concrete block surrounded by highways and parking lots. Wide open spaces and fresh air had been swapped for a cramped hotel room filled by four sweaty, smelly bodies. Jason’s off-key lament had once more become MTV. Michael Jackson was still dead.

  To add to the sense of disorientation, we had been confronted with the bewildering choice afforded by a trip to the supermarket. I wandered round the store aping what I hoped were the carefully considered purchasing plans of the others. Not surprisingly, I ended up with far too much stuff. Nor was it nutritionally well balanced. Jamie Oliver would have been aghast, but I was content to settle for volume.

  At the till, I found Stephen being surprisingly congratulated on his tomato-red cycling attire. Then it was my turn to receive the same complimentary reception.

  ‘I just lurve your top, it’s so cooool. Do you want some help packing?’ said the super-size seller.

  Encased in a sweat-stained, mud-spattered apology for a cycling jersey, it was an incongruity too far for me to be able to think of a response. Fortunately, no response was necessary.

  ‘I just wish I could get one like that. Do you have a pointy helmet too? Hey, Janine, come and look at this cooool top. Do you think they do them in my size?’

  I wasn’t sure the question was being addressed at me or Janine. In fact, I wasn’t entirely sure the whole episode was actually happening.

  ‘I think I could almost take up biking to get hold of a top like that.’

  Now I knew I was dreaming. The boy was clearly delusional. He must have lived in Rawlins too long. Stephen’s top was far more appealing than mine.

  For want of any better options, we returned to Penny’s Diner for breakfast. It might not have had home-made pies, but it was open all hours. Ahead lay another day of uncertain food supplies. In fact, there were none available until the attractively-named town of Steamboat Springs, some 135 miles away. With the route now returning to the mountains and a new high-point of nearly 10,000 feet ahead, it seemed too far to consider it our day’s destination.

  Nevertheless, in spite of the distance to cover, we left later than anticipated. The time it took to pack up and depart seemed to be directly proportional to the number of people involved in the process, even though there was no obvious connection between us. We each stowed our own luggage, ate our own breakfast and cleaned our own teeth. Yet what could be done in half an hour alone invariably took more than an hour as a foursome.

  We rode out of town under the Interstate, passing a bench proudly bearing the logo of the Wyoming Gas Company. It conjured images of conversational, flatulent old men.

  Next came a short hill, followed by more than 20 miles of rolling tarmac. We were on the edge of a broad valley. To our left the land fell imperceptibly away. To our right it rose gently until it shot vertically upwards in the form of the escarpment of the appropriately named Atlantic Rim.

  Apart from Per, we were feeling fit. Having managed to avoid falling into the trap of pushing ourselves too hard too early in the ride, we were now reaping the benefit of having so many miles in our legs.

  Yet for Per, even the rolling terrain was a real challenge. The flatness of the past two days had allowed him to disguise the obvious discomfort brought about by his sore knee. Now it could be disguised no longer. Already the previous night he had hinted heavily that he was coming to the end of his tether, and the terrain was about to become much more challenging. We would be in Colorado later in the day, a state containing innumerable high passes, three of which would see us climb above 11,000 feet.

  Trevor, Stephen and I reached the crest of the day’s first major climb after six miles of uphill some way ahead. I expressed my concerns.

  ‘He’s been talking about making it to Steamboat as if that were the end of the race. I’m not sure how much further he’ll go.’

  ‘I don’t know there’s much we can do,’ said Trevor.

  He was right. Nobody else could pedal for him. Besides, Per had neither complained nor requested any assistance. Instead, the growing legend of his indestructibility had been given more credence when I had asked him about his cycling history. He had none. Well, none as a mountain biker, at least. He commuted 15 miles a day in London, and had completed a couple of day-long road events, but had never ridden a mountain bike, let alone owned one, before deciding to undertake the Tour Divide.

  ‘My longest ride on a mountain bike was the first day of the race,’ he had revealed without bravado.

  Prior to that, the longest he had managed was 50 miles on a tow path near London; ideal preparation.

  We were now in the mountains once more. This time it was the Sierra Madre range. Initially it was open, high country, but slowly our surroundings became more wooded. We entered the Medicine Bow National Forest accompanied by another punishing succession of short, steep ups and downs.

  At a clearing in the forest, just after a descent to another stream crossing, we stopped for lunch. It was hot and sunny and the perfect spot for a picnic, though last night’s random approach to shopping meant my picnic was far from perfect. Stephen completed the Enid Blyton picture by heading off to the stream to refill his water bottles.

  I had filled all my bottles in Rawlins. It seemed rash to me to rely on sporadic water sources of uncertain cleanliness along the route.

  ‘Do you think the water is good enough to drink?’

  ‘Yeah, it’ll be fine.’

  To Stephen it seemed wasteful not to make the most of nature’s bounty. It also saved him several pounds in weight not to be loaded to the gunnels each day.

  Afte
r lunch we came across a notable landscape feature known as Aspen Alley, a natural avenue of Aspen trees that ran along the trail for a good mile. Then came a sinuous, paved descent. As we lost height so we gained heat. The descent ended at the Colorado border.

  This might have been an important landmark for us, but clearly the sign-makers in this part of the country were not of the same opinion. Not that we were particularly in the mood for celebration. It was 2 p.m. and the fan oven had been turned on again. The bleached road and rocks reflected the blinding sun. Even the trees seemed overwhelmed; most were little more than scrub versions of the impressive stands we had spent the morning riding through.

  Ahead lay 30 miles of more or less uninterrupted climbing. I began to daydream, or possibly hallucinate. The road started out through a canyon, home to dozens of imaginary Indians sporting bows and arrows. Then I came round a corner to find Trevor gesticulating at me and shouting inaudibly. I was so distracted by his frantic waving that I ignored a strange pile on the road. Only after I had ridden right past it did I become aware of the peculiar rattling noise it was emitting. I reached Trevor, who was clearly relieved.

  ‘I was shouting “snake!”’

  I looked back. Sure enough, there was a rattler in the middle of the road. There was no time to ponder the possible consequences of my inattention, however. A battered pick-up truck came careering down the road ahead of us. It made little effort to accommodate our presence, then screeched to an abrupt halt. Four bare-chested bumpkins jumped out, beer cans in hand. They were clearly spoiling for a fight. Fortunately it was not with us. After a brief period of goading, one of them pulled a long-handled spade from the pick-up and proceeded to very ineffectually decapitate the snake.

  ‘Welcome to Colorado,’ said Trevor.

  A short distance further up the road the heat enforced a drinks break. We cowered at the side of the road like convicts on a chain gang. Even Stephen seemed to be distracted. Nevertheless, the protection afforded by his Yasser Arafat shawl, and the fact that Trevor’s impressive beard seemed to be having a similarly beneficial effect, saw the pair of them once again ride off into the distance.

  Per and I were labouring after them when he had a puncture. I waited until it was fixed, then we carried on. The track was rough and progress was slow. I was moved to revoke my commitment not to enter into any more Faustian pacts about the weather; rain would have been welcome at any price. But it was to no avail. The only water evident anywhere were the drops of perspiration that stung my eyes and obscured my vision. Perhaps I shouldn’t have had my eyebrows trimmed in Banff before the start.

  Then I started hallucinating again. Ahead was a collection of buildings that gave every impression of being a lodge and bar. At the door was a woman, waving and beckoning me in. Even in my reduced state I was aware of the risk posed by such a siren. Yet the mirage was too alluring to ignore.

  ‘Hi,’ said the siren in a convincingly real voice. ‘Come in, come in. You must be hot. I’ve got cold drinks and fresh fruit inside.’

  Maybe I wasn’t hallucinating, though anything more than monosyllabic conversation was still beyond me. Fortunately my host didn’t seem to mind my incoherence. As I slowly returned to my senses it became apparent that I was in Brush Mountain Lodge being ministered to by an angel called Kirsten. In front of me was a can of Coke and an enormous fruit salad: melons, water melons, strawberries, grapes to name but a few of its ingredients.

  ‘I know how you guys get by on gas station food so I always think you might appreciate a few vitamins.’

  Kirsten, it turned out, was another Tour Divide junkie. Although, in my mind, we were a million miles from anywhere, she had been following our progress avidly on the Tour Divide website. We were far from the first racers to have stopped by this year, and only a moment’s inattention had precluded her from accosting Trevor and Stephen.

  Just then, I saw Per through the side window. I jumped up to hail him, then once again demonstrated the debilitating effect extreme heat had on my articulacy.

  ‘Per! Per!’ I yelled. ‘Water melon! Water melon!’

  Fortunately, Per had enough imagination to stop, even if he had also been lost in his own private world of suffering.

  ‘I saw your bike but it didn’t dawn on me that meant you would be here.’

  He climbed in through the veranda, and let out an involuntary yelp of pain as he flexed his leg to stand up.

  ‘Ooh, that sounds sore. Are you all right?’ asked Kirsten.

  ‘It’s nothing,’ said Per, tucking into the food in front of him with atavistic gusto.

  Cooled and refreshed, we eventually managed to respond to Kirsten’s hospitality. We discovered that Matthew Lee was within a day of the finish.

  ‘That’s all right, we’re in Colorado now so we can say we were within one state of him,’ I pointed out.

  There was also a message from my sister-in-law and her family.

  ‘We have no idea what the Tour Divide Basin is but think it’s great that you’ve crossed it! Hope the weather has improved, but not too much because you wouldn’t want to be cycling in the temperatures we’re having in Sussex today (36 degrees!).’

  What we wouldn’t have given for only 36°.

  Of most immediate import, though, was the fact that Cricket had been through earlier in the day.

  ‘She said she’d spend the night in Steamboat. She’s desperate for you boys to catch her up.’

  Per’s ears pricked up.

  ‘Do you think we could get all the way to Steamboat tonight?’

  ‘Sure, it’s about 50 miles, but it’s all downhill and most of it on paved roads once you get to the top of the pass.’

  The pass itself was another 15 miles away. We had planned to camp at the top and roll into town in the morning to visit the bike shop before continuing. Now there was a more appealing option. If we carried on riding to Steamboat, we could have a lie-in until the bike shop opened. This was the clincher. Even a long day and some night riding would be comfortably paid for by such a prize.

  Per, certainly, was a changed man. He set off again with renewed determination. It was 5 p.m. and the temperature had dropped appreciably. The countryside was also becoming more and more attractive. Trees grew taller. In between were lush meadows.

  I was bitten by Per’s bug and began to race along. The revivifying effect of Kirsten’s fruit salad was palpable. I could not help but succumb to the temptation to ride as if there were no tomorrow; or at least no riding to be done tomorrow. It was liberating, if somewhat shortlived.

  By the foot of the last, steep climb up to the pass I was spent. Fortunately the trail was by now far too rocky to ride so I could use my bike as a wheeled zimmer frame. Mosquitoes needed no second invitation to take advantage of such a slow-moving feast.

  I found Stephen and Trevor waiting at the top, having a snack of dried biscuits. I tried and failed not to tell them of my earlier good fortune. Per arrived not long afterwards. We had a quorum. A council was called. The new plan was proposed, considered and approved.

  The wisdom of our strategy was immediately called into question, however, by the first few miles of descent. They were as rocky as anything we had yet encountered. Stephen bounced his way down them like an escaped pingpong ball. I was still using my zimmer frame, metaphorically at least.

  After 5 miles the trail levelled. Eight miles more and we were back on tarmac. Night was about to overtake us, so we rummaged in luggage for lights. Between us we had four front lights, of which only Stephen’s was truly effective, and two poor rear lights that would have failed to impress a police officer. There was no way we were stopping now, though. The road was not heavily used at that time on a Sunday night. Yet street lights were noticeable only by their absence. At least we could discern the road ahead of us. Then we turned onto gravel, and even that crumb of comfort was removed.

  We felt our way through the dark until we came at last to the outskirts of town. It was nearing 10 p.m. Kirsten had said C
ricket was aiming for the Rabbit Ears Motel, which in other circumstances might have sounded surprising. We did likewise. The receptionist recognised us as fellow travellers, but Cricket’s room was dark. We decided not to disturb her. We could hook up in the morning.

  Back in our room we took stock. It had not been easy, but we had covered 135 miles in just under 16 hours. Trevor, Stephen and I joined Per in setting another record. None of us had ever cycled further on a mountain bike. Our satisfaction was complete when Stephen had a moment of genius.

  ‘Let’s order takeaway pizza.’

  COLORADO

  CHAPTER 21

  MOSCOW CALLING

  DAY 18

  Even though the rationale behind pushing on to Steamboat the previous night had been to enjoy a long sleep and a lie-in, things didn’t quite go to plan. Or not to my plan, anyway. The pizzas had been delivered promptly, and their consumption was as rapid as might be imagined, but the television was not finally extinguished until after midnight. Shows featured in the flurry of channel-hopping even extended to a recording of proceedings in the House of Lords, which at least had the merit of providing an air of tranquillity. For five minutes, that is, until the novelty wore off.

  Then, in the morning, a mobile phone vibrated violently on a bedside table at 7.30 a.m. Lest anyone doubt the significance of this noisy disturbance, the television immediately resumed its pre-eminence. Quite why it had been deemed necessary to return to the conscious world so early I didn’t understand. The bike shop that was the sole motivation for prolonging our stay in Steamboat didn’t open until 9 a.m. Practised as I was in the early morning rush – try getting four children aged six and under out of the house on time and you’ll see what I mean – an hour and a half preparation time seemed like unwarranted luxury, especially when sleep was the biggest luxury of all. The growing disparity in the ratio of my cranial hair to facial wrinkles served to emphasise the point.