The Outside Series - Complete Trilogy: Books 1-3

by Kristina Renee

  Especially since I was able to save Sammy, a little boy who wasn’t related to me in any way. I kept his sister from having to live with the guilt that plagued me. Why couldn’t I have done something to help Kiley? I should have done something.

  Why didn’t I scream for help the way Suri did when her brother slipped under the water?

  Why did I laugh and think her drowning was a game?

  Why was I alone with my baby sister when I was just a baby myself?

  I did my best to shove those thoughts aside. I wasn’t going to let the pain from my past impede on my ability to enjoy this mini-vacation with my friends. Besides, I had more than enough present day hang ups to deal with as it was.

  Right before we dug into dinner, I slipped away to the bathroom and popped the seal on the first bottle of diet pills. According to the instructions, I could take up to four pills with each meal. It seemed like a lot but I needed it to work quickly so I went for the max dosage instead of slowly working up to it.

  Hopefully that was enough to prevent anything from sticking to me.

  In a pleasant surprise, dinner was absolutely amazing. Logan was a far better cook than anyone expected, and once again, I was a little jealous of Liz for landing a guy who seemed so perfect. I wanted to be good, but it tasted delicious so I hoped the pills were doing their job as I helped myself to seconds. By the time we pulled out the board games, I was pleasantly stuffed and ready to camp out on the couch for the rest of the night.

  This was turning into a real vacation.

  Unfortunately, I couldn't really enjoy it very much. I had to excuse myself several times for emergency trips to the bathroom. I reassured myself it was just the diet pills at work. After all, if all that food wasn't sticking to my hips and increasing my waistband, then it had to go somewhere.

  As the hour got later, we migrated to the back porch for hot chocolate and cookies. Logan lit a fire in the cast iron fire pit and we all listened as Austin and Logan took turns telling funny stories about each other. Despite the rumbling in my stomach, I felt content for the first time in ages. I was surrounded by people I cared about, and I could let go of my insecurities for a little while.

  As the night wore on, everyone began breaking off into pairs. As expected, I found myself alone while I stared into the slowly dying flames and listened to the sounds of the ocean waves crashing on the shore. I couldn’t see the shoreline from there, but Logan told us it was just a short hike through the trees to get down to the water. The plan was to head down to the beach before breakfast tomorrow to scope it out.

  “Hey, you. What’s wrong?” Liz sat beside me on another deck chair. “Do you need any Motrin or anything? I didn't want to ask while everyone else was around, but you were slipping off to the bathroom a lot tonight. I figured Aunt Flo was being rough on you.”

  Well that worked out well. My off the cuff lie was actually working better than I'd expected. But the genuine concern in Liz's eyes made me feel a whole helluva lot worse. “Yeah, she's a bitch alright.” I laughed as I wrapped my arms around my stomach. “But I already took something, so I'll be okay.”

  “Hopefully, it lets up a little tomorrow,” she said with a smile. “I want you to be able to enjoy the beach with the rest of us.”

  “Same.” I leaned back in the chair and pulled my knees up to my chest. “I'm not gonna let it get the better of me.”

  Liz chuckled but her expression slowly shifted to one of concern. She reached across the gap between our chairs and rested her hand on mine. “You'd tell me if something was really wrong, wouldn't you?”

  I frowned at the sudden change in her tone. The mood had gotten serious, and it wasn’t the right time for any of this “I would,” I assured her. “You're my best friend, Liz. If something was really wrong with me, you'd be the first to know.” It wasn't a lie. I had everything under control so nothing was really wrong. She didn't have to worry in the slightest.

  “Good.” She nodded with a forced smile. “I just...” Her voice trailed off for a moment before she finished speaking. “Look, I don't want you to be mad at him, but Austin told me you've been having nightmares.”

  I felt my heart skip a beat as she spoke. I really didn't want to talk about that. “Geez, call a guy one time in the middle of the night and suddenly he thinks you're having nightmares.” I chuckled and rolled my eyes. “I called him because I felt bad about avoiding him all day, and I couldn't sleep. I felt guilty for driving a wedge between our friends. I even told him that.”

  Liz frowned, and I could tell she wasn't buying it. The hurt in her eyes was proof she knew I was lying. “When I heard about you rescuing Sammy, I was worried it might trigger something.” She looked me in the eye, carefully watching my expression. “But since you never reached out to me, I decided to give you some space and not push you to talk about it. But, if you are having nightmares, you know you can come to me, right? God knows I've gone to you with enough of my problems to last a lifetime.”

  “Okay, fine...” I shifted my gaze away from her. I was tired of lying about everything and this, at least, was something she already knew all the gory details about anyway. “To be honest, I did have a few nightmares about Kiley. Obviously, that would happen. I mean, you remember how I was when we were taking swim lessons. The parallels were just too similar.” I chewed my bottom lip and slowly lifted my eyes to meet hers. “I didn't call Austin because of a nightmare though. I called him because I wanted to apologize for how I'd been acting. The nightmares came later, and they were mild. I've got that shit on lockdown, ya know?” I flashed my signature toothy grin.

  “You don't have to lock it all away, you know?” Liz gave my hand a gentle squeeze. “It might help to talk about it.”

  “I already do,” I reminded her. “Once a month visits with my therapist, remember?” My parents had been forcing me to see a therapist since I was eight. I'd long since run out of things to talk about so I mostly used my sessions as practice for masking my issues and insecurities. If I could fool someone who was trained to pry into my life, I could fool anyone. Maybe that's why I was so good at lying to people and putting on the façade of someone without a problem in the world.

  “Okay, but you should come inside.” Liz didn't seem entirely satisfied with my response, but she didn't press it further. “It’s getting cold.” She hugged herself for warmth and shivered a little.

  I reluctantly dragged myself from my chair and followed her inside. She was wasting too much energy worrying about me when she really should have been enjoying herself. This was supposed to be a fun weekend, and I didn’t want to ruin it for her or anyone else.

  It was time to put my best foot forward. I was handling everything in my own way. Now I just needed to keep smiling. It was the thing I did best.

  The next morning, everyone hit the beach bright and early. Allie stayed back at the house to make breakfast while the rest of us tested out the sand.

  There was still a chill in the air from the night before, but it was exactly what I needed to wake me up and get me energized for the day ahead. Logan and Liz wandered a short way off and sat on the beach, making out while the rest of us splashed in the waves and threw sand at one another.

  I stumbled through the knee-deep water, shivering and laughing as our impromptu water war raged on. We were all soaked to the bone and the taste of salt filled my mouth, but I loved it.

  It felt so real. So natural.

  I never understood how people could own a beach house and not live in it full time. They were always used as vacation getaways a few times a year, which was such a waste. If I owned a place like that, I didn’t think I would ever leave.

  When Allie finally tromped down to the shore to tell us breakfast was ready, she also scolded us for getting so wet and dirty, especially Adam and Bryant. She seemed to take her role as their protector pretty seriously. I had always been a little worried she might still be carrying a torch for Bryant despite their inherent incompatibility. But watching them now tha
t they were in a completely relaxed environment reassured me that she was more of a mother hen than a desperate romantic.

  Allie herded her boys back toward the house while Logan and Liz trailed along behind them. I found myself walking with Austin as we hiked up the trail back into the cabin.

  “What do you think of the trip so far?” Austin asked me as we walked. He was being unusually forward today.

  “It’s nice to get away for a while and pretend this is just the way life is, you know?” I decided I wasn’t going to let any awkwardness come between us. We had friendly conversations together in the past, and we could have them now.

  “I wouldn’t mind that,” he said, exhaling with satisfaction. “I wouldn’t mind that at all.”

  I smiled but didn’t respond. I didn’t know what to say really. I just kept smiling and looked up at the birds flitting through the tree branches overhead. Everything was just so peaceful.

  “Um, it might not be any of my business.” Austin cleared his throat and glanced down at me. “But I saw you talking to Liz on the deck last night. You looked like you were upset about something.”

  I wasn’t expecting Austin of all people to ask about that. I stopped short and frowned up at him without a word.

  “If you don’t wanna tell me, that’s fine.” He stopped and reached out to place his hand on my shoulder. “I just thought I’d let you know I’m here for you.”

  I nodded in acknowledgement and then kept walking. He kept glancing at me as we walked, and his expression made my heart flutter and my blood run cold. Unlike with Liz, who was blinded by the years of friendship we'd built up, I felt like Austin could see right through me. He had looked at me like this in the past too. He always gave me that soft, caring expression that made me feel like I was the most important girl in the world to him. But it also meant he wasn't going to let me get away with anything. Of course, more mixed signals, piled in on top of everything else.

  “Just you?” I teased. He didn't know what was bothering me, and I wasn't about to drop my poker face just because of a look.

  “Well, all of us. But me especially.” He sighed but didn’t say anything else.

  He was reaching out to me in a way that I wasn’t sure how to respond to.

  Finally, just as the house came into view, he turned to look at me with his hands in his pockets. “Kim, you know I still care about you, a lot.”

  “And I care about you.” I smiled and kept my tone cheery, like I was talking to any of my friends or even acquaintances. “And Liz, and Logan, and Adam, and Bryant, and Allie. My friends are my family.”

  He flinched at being grouped in with all the rest of my friends. “You know what I mean.”

  “No, Austin, I don’t.” My tone was abrupt, but it had the desired effect. He looked at me in sullen silence. “I thought I did before, but then...I’m just tired of never really knowing where I stand with you. After our conversation the other night, I thought you decided there was no future for us.”

  “I know, Kim...” Austin looked away for a moment, and when he looked back, his expression had softened. “What happened at the formal...was about me.” He paused and closed his eyes, searching for the strength to keep going. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but I know you’re not a virgin.”

  My cheeks flushed at his words and my hands curled into fists. No one had ever called me out on something like that before. I didn't know whether to be embarrassed or pissed.

  “But I am,” he quickly said, holding up his hands in surrender. “I’m a virgin, Kim. I was terrified that I wouldn’t live up to your expectations. So when Bryant offered me a sip of his flask, I took it. Then I took another and another. Did I mention I don’t drink very often?”

  My anger drained away and I had to smile. “Why didn’t you say something before? Why did you let me get so angry at you?”

  “Because I was embarrassed,” he said, shaking his head slowly.

  “What about what you said the other night? You said you thought it could work, but now it can’t? What did you mean?” I felt confused by the direction of this conversation. With one line, he had completely turned my understanding of the situation on its head.

  “Well, it’s complicated.” He inhaled deeply then shook his head. “I don’t want you to think I’m leading you on because I’m not. I’m just never going to be able to give you the physical affection you deserve. I figured it was just better to let you go than try to shackle you to something like that. But spending these last few days around you again—well, I just can't let go of how I feel.”

  “You’re saying it’s not just that you’re a virgin, but you don’t intend to ever have sex?” I found it hard to imagine a healthy teenage boy who wasn't the least bit interested in sex.

  “It’s not that I don’t want to have sex. I just can’t.” Austin screwed his eyes shut and threw his head back on his shoulders. “I know it’s confusing, and I wish I could explain better, but I can’t.” His face was flushed and he was avoiding my eyes.

  Whatever was going on, it was something he was definitely embarrassed about.

  I didn’t know what to say because his confession had taken me completely by surprise. So I didn’t say anything at all.

  “I know I should’ve told you sooner.” He took a deep breath and looked at me. “I wanted to tell you before the winter formal, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. All the guys were pushing me to ask you to the dance, and you seemed so excited for it...I didn’t want to ruin it for you. Then I ended up doing that anyway.” The look of pain on his face was heartbreaking and I knew this was hurting him to say. “I’m sorry for messing everything up.”

  “I...I don't know what to say.” I stepped back and folded my arms over my chest, suddenly feeling cold. If anything, I was more confused now than I had been before. At least before, there was a clear line between me and Austin. A line that made it obvious there was no chance for a future relationship. Now things had gotten hazy. He had feelings for me but didn't want to be with me because, for some reason that he wouldn't explain, he would never be able to have sex with me.

  “Why are you telling me this?” I probably sounded more angry than I actually was, but everything was a jumbled-up mess in my head now. I didn't know what to feel. “If it doesn't change anything about our situation, then why would you tell me any of this?”

  “I thought you deserved to know the truth.” He recoiled slightly at my tone. “I thought maybe if I told you why things were the way they were, it might help with this wall between us.”

  I opened my mouth to speak, but no words would come. Exasperated didn't even come close to explaining how I felt.

  “I just wanted to clear the air,” Austin continued, desperate to fix the situation he’d just created in his attempt to make things better. “I wanted you to know that even if I can't be with you, I care about you and I want to be there for you.”

  I tried to keep my cool. I really did. But that pushed me over the edge, and I lost it. “Why does everyone want to take care of me?” I couldn’t hold back as my emotions burst forth in a wave of anger. “Do I really look like I need to be taken care of? Am I really that helpless? I have my life completely under control, and I don't need to be looked after by anyone. Especially not by guys who can't seem to figure out what it is they actually want.”

  “But, Kim—” Austin tried to interrupt me but I cut him off.

  “Even now when you're trying to 'clear the air,' or whatever, all you're doing is making things even more confusing. You've never once sent a clear signal, Austin. I still have no damn idea where I stand with you. So make up your mind already. If you want to be friends, then let’s be friends. If you want to date, then let’s date. There's no gray area here. Pick one.”

  If Austin was taken by surprise, he certainly didn't show it. Instead, he looked me in the eyes with that piercing stare of his. “Maybe you should stop to consider why you're so upset about having so many people who want to be there for you,” he
said after a moment. “That's not usually something people get angry about. I'll be around if you figure it out and want someone to talk to.”

  He didn't wait for me to reply. He just squared his shoulders and walked past me toward the house.

  I was left alone with nothing but my anger for company. In time, that too faded. My thoughts were empty, my emotions were drained, and the only thing that remained was a sensation of nakedness. Like someone had peeled back my clothing and exposed me to the chill of the air around me.

  I'd always felt like Austin could see through me, but this was the first time he'd ever really put it into practice. Most of me was desperate to avoid a confrontation like that again at all costs. Part of me, however, found it thrilling. My heart hammered in my chest, and I released a shuddering breath before starting to walk again.

  Clearly, there was more to Austin than the pretty face and piercing stare that I'd been lusting after.

  19

  The rest of the morning was a jumbled mess thanks to my weird encounter with Austin. I tried to ignore it and put it behind me, but every time I caught his gaze, I felt goosebumps erupt up and down my spine. The confusing emotions he ignited inside me were too much for me to process during what was supposed to be a relaxing weekend trip. So I pushed it all back in my mind by focusing on the one emotion that still made sense to me.

  Anger.

  And I was justified in my anger with him. We had finally reached a point where we were okay with each other again, and I could have a conversation with him without feeling like I wanted to tear my heart out. Then he had to go and ruin it. I was still surprised he had the nerve to try to turn the entire situation back on me like I was in the wrong by being frustrated by everyone babying me.

  The only one who was allowed to say stuff like that to me was Liz, and I wasn't about to bother her with my boy drama. She was so happy with Logan. The two of them were inseparable, and if you saw them together, it was hard to believe they weren’t already married. This beach vacation was just the sort of thing Liz needed after her lifetime of misery.