Broken Hearts Damaged Goods
by Jack Gunthridge
Published by Jack Gunthridge Studios, LLC, 2013.
This is a work of fiction. Similarities to real people, places, or events are entirely coincidental.
BROKEN HEARTS DAMAGED GOODS
First edition. June 22, 2013.
Copyright © 2013 Jack Gunthridge.
Written by Jack Gunthridge.
Table of Contents
Copyright Page
Broken Hearts Damaged Goods
Emo Love Poem
A Rose by Any Other Name
I Saw Her Again Last Night
Teddy Bears and Talking to the Moon
Heartbreak Hotel
A Kiss is Just a Kiss
Liselle | (You’ll Never Know)
The Reasonable Woman Standard
I Saw Her Again Last Night II
Two Lovers
The Call
The Talk
The Dance
Damaged Goods
The Dance (II)
A Mother Reason for Rehab
Prince Eric in a Can
Of Like and Love
All’s Fair
The Lover’s Cross
Home
Teacher
Present Past Perfect Future
The Little Mermaid
A Lover’s Question
Aug 21, 2010
Classes will be starting Monday. I can’t wait. I’m really glad the summer is coming to an end. It’s not that I’m really excited for all the homework, or for the warm weather to go away, or for the fact that I will have to be that ugly pale shade of winter again. It’s just that I’m getting my first apartment. I moved into it today. I think Megan and I have it all set up. We still have to buy some posters and stuff for the living room to make it feel more like a home. I’m already liking it a lot better than the dorms.
The best part about having my own place is that it should help my relationship with Steve. It’s not that we didn’t see each other over the summer, but it was harder for us to have some alone time when we had to go visit each other at our parents’ houses.
It’s hard to sustain a relationship when you go from being able to have sex in the dorms (while not disturbing your roommate) to not being able to have sex for three months. I don’t want to make it sound like the sex is important. It’s just that we hadn’t been a couple that long before the summer break, so the sex was kind of an integral part of our relationship.
Maybe I wouldn’t care so much about him coming over tonight, except that... I kind of want to prove that we are still a strong couple. We were only together for two and half months before school let out. There was some getting to know each other stuff that we did, and then there was the sex. Okay, there was more of the really great sex than the “we’re developing a deep and meaningful relationship” stuff, but the sex was the best I have ever had. When you have something like that, you don’t really want to see it end.
That’s what made the summer suck so bad. It was texting, phone calls, and Facebook chats, and the occasional visit. I mean, it was nice and all. It’s just that you can’t cuddle up to a text, or make out with the phone. And it’s not that I just like him for the intimate things. But when you are in a relationship, you do want to actually touch the person. Talking to the person just isn’t the same as feeling that person being there.
I know this makes me sound shallow. I don’t mean to be. I love Steve. I know I do. When I had other guys hit on me this summer, I told them I had a boyfriend. I didn’t even think about hooking up with somebody else. I could only think of Steve.
It’s just that I know that sometimes couples breakup during this time of year. They can do the long distance thing over the summer because it keeps them from feeling alone, but when school starts, they find that they have changed. It’s hard to have a relationship when neither of the people are the same.
If the sex is still great and we are able to talk after it, I think we will have survived the summer as a couple. If the conversation isn’t that good, hopefully the sex is still great.
Do couples have to get over that initial awkwardness again? Will it be like our first time together again? I hope not. I would like for us to still be in sync with each other. That has to count for something in the relationship.
Aug 22, 2010
The sex was amazing. It was quite possibly the best we have ever had. We just kind of flowed together.
The after sex was... I mean, he held me as he was waiting for the next round, but he seemed really disinterested in me. I was talking to him, and he didn’t even try to pretend to listen to anything I was saying. And I can’t blame it on him being tired. He didn’t have that after-sex bliss to him where he was totally relaxed and could have fallen asleep. He was just tolerating my babbling about my thoughts and feelings.
I hate when guys are polite after sex. If they just want to bang you and leave, I wish they would. At least you know where you stand with them.
The bad part is that I can’t really get mad at him. I mean, I want to, but then I run the risk of losing him as a boyfriend. It’s just better to tolerate him tolerating me. I mean, it’s not really that important to have meaningful time after sex as long as the actual sex is good.
If you think about it, we’re a lot better than some couples. Some couples have terrible sex where the woman has to fake the orgasm. She doesn’t break up with the guy because the emotional stuff is satisfying. It’s better for me to have to fake certain societal niceties in order to have the great sex. I mean, what difference is it than faking other forms of politeness like asking somebody how they’re doing when you could care less?
At the end of the day, all we really want is to have some sort of human contact and to know that somebody cares about us. If he cares enough to fake politeness, then he must care a lot about me.
I don’t know. Maybe my expectations were too high. Maybe it is easier for couples to pick back up on the physical parts of their relationship than on the emotional stuff. People change, but their sex organs remain the same.
It will get better. We’re going out tonight with Jack and his girlfriend, Brittany. I will see how we compare to them. They’ve been a couple for a long time. I know they started seeing each other in high school. They’re a nice, solid couple. I’m sure they had to go through what Steve and I are going through. If they made it through this, I’m sure that Steve and I will.
Aug. 23, 2010
Dinner sucked. The food was good. I just received more attention from the waitress than I did from my boyfriend. Steve spent the entire evening talking to Jack and Brittany. I know that he is living with Jack and got to hang out with them all summer, but it still makes me mad. I felt like an outcast. Even Brittany didn’t try to have female conversations with me.
Jack was the most civil one. He tried to find out what I did this summer and find out about me, but Steve kept turning it back onto himself and all of the fun stuff that the three of them did this summer.
I do like Jack, as far as best friends of your boyfriend are concerned. A lot of my pervious boyfriends’ best friends have merely tolerated me. I could tell that they hated me, but were too polite to say so. Jack has always been nice to me. He’s a lot of fun to hang out with, and he’s just a really nice person. I think he knew I was having a bad time, but he couldn’t get Steve to see it.
I did like watching how Jack interacted with Brittany. He dotes on her. When she talks, he hangs on her every word. Steve hasn’t done that with me the entire time that we’ve dated. Maybe it’s unreasonable to expect him to. I mean, Jack and Brittany have been dating since their junior year in high school. That puts them together now for f
our years, which is a really long time.
My longest relationship was just short of a year. James Michael Finch, the first guy I ever slept with, managed to break up with me the week before our one year anniversary. I knew that the relationship had been bad for awhile. It’s just that I didn’t want to admit it, especially since he was the first guy I ever slept with.
I remember thinking at the time that I really wanted to celebrate my one year anniversary with this guy, even though I cared very little for him. And even though I didn’t love him anymore, I still thought it was terrible of him to break up with me right before our anniversary.
I mean, I admit that the break up was for the best, but at the time, I did a lot of things that were stupid. I ended up spending the night that would have been my anniversary with Mark Washington. It was some of the best drunken sex that I can remember, which sounds a lot worse than it really is. I mean, I’ve never blacked out from drinking and woken up with a guy that I didn’t know. I just meant that of the times when I have used alcohol and men to make myself feel better, Mark was among the best of what I was wanting him to do.
I know it’s not right. And I wish I could say that I learned a lot from that break up. Break ups, I mean... It was a cycle of sleeping with Mark to get over James and sleeping with James to try to not admit that our relationship was a failure. In the end, I was sleeping with two guys without the other one knowing about the other.
Prom was hard that year. I ended up going with Mark because James and I were just screwing around. He was kind of seeing somebody else. As soon as we broke up, this girl, Marissa Canfield, pounced on him. She didn’t care if she got used as a rebound. She liked him that much. Of course, I always thought that she was a slut. And I don’t mean that in a bitchy, jealous way. She was just... She wasn’t very pretty. There was something about her overly big eyes and crooked nose. You know how people tell you not to make a funny face because it could stick that way? Well, Marissa looked as if she had been pressing her nose up next to a window and saw something shocking when somebody smacked her on the back and her face got stuck that way. And I can’t really blame a girl like that for being a little slutty. She would have to be for any guy to go after her. Again, I don’t mean that to sound super bitchy.
Anyway, I went with Mark to the prom, had a quickie with James, before going to the hotel room with Mark. You hear all of this stuff about your senior prom being special and magical. Mine was a kind of cheap orgy that I wouldn’t mind to forget. Unfortunately my mom has pictures of the prom party. I know that I shouldn’t wish for my parents’ house to catch on fire, but there are some things that I wouldn’t mind to see destroyed.
Anyway, what I mean to say is that I should have learned from that whole experience and become a better person, but I didn’t. All I learned from it was a lifestyle pattern that I’ve been trying to avoid, but yet, I still keep repeating it. It seems like the harder I try to have a healthy relationship, it deteriorates into sex with a guy that I no longer care for, but don’t want to break up with.
That’s the problem I’m having with Steve. I know that the relationship is failing, but he won’t change to fix it. He’s going to come to me some day and say that it would be in both of our best interests to call it quits.
I look at couples like Jack and Brittany and wonder how they do it. How do they keep the actual relationship alive? The only thing I can keep alive with a man is his erection. All of the other useful parts just die away. I mean, I’m writing this as Steve is passed out on my bed. He’s dead to the world. And I wouldn’t be writing right now, but we have sex, he dismounts, and passes out facing away from me. That’s not much of a relationship.
I don’t think I’m asking for too much for a guy to hold me close to him like he never wants to let me go. I just want to feel like I’m important to somebody. But I look at Steve laying there with his mouth open, drooling on my clean sheets, and I think, “If I could carry on a conversation with a vibrator, I would replace you in a second.”
I shouldn’t think that way. It’s just that... I’m no longer in love with him, but I don’t want to admit it. I’ve had too many failed relationships. I know that it shouldn’t matter to add another dead one to my tally, but the cycle has to end at some point. Friends from high school are starting to get married. If I don’t stay with Steve, I’ll end up with something worse.
I mean, he’s not really that bad. He’s responsible, gets decent grades, has a good chance of getting a great job, and... is better than a vibrator. At least I will get some enjoyment out of the relationship. And our kids would be really cute.
If I think about it long enough, I think I could stay with Steve just for the kids. Maybe If I go to bed now, snuggle up to him and think about our kids, I might be able to actually feel what I know I should be feeling for him. He might even put his arm around me. And I might be able to fall asleep with the belief that somebody loves me and wants to be with me... and not just for our kids, which we haven’t had yet.
Aug. 25, 2010
After reading my last journal entry, I’ve decided that some of my and Steve’s problem might be me and my attitude. Okay. It was after talking to Megan while having a few drinks, but the fact of the matter is that I am going to be the change that I would like to see in this relationship.
I can’t expect a guy to love me, if I am noticing things like him drooling on my clean sheets. I mean, that’s a natural thing for a body to do when you’re asleep. It’s not something you can control. I’m sure that I drool on my sheets.
So starting today, I’m going to start to notice that good things that Steve does. It will make me appreciate him more.
He always buys condoms and throws them away after sex. He has never not been prepared for sex. And he buys the nicer kind, so it’s not like he is being cheap or anything. I don’t know why this is important and what it really shows about him. I mean, I guess it shows that he is responsible and wants to make sure that I don’t get any STDs.
I wonder if I should ask him to get tested. Would he find that offensive? I mean, if I am on the pill and we are in a committed relationship, are condoms really necessary? Maybe the condom is coming between us. It could be acting like a little barrier keeping us from getting closer together.
I wish I could find out if couples that have unprotected sex have better relationships.
Steve responds to my texts in a timely fashion. He has never not replied to a text, even if it was a stupid, “OK.” I mean, that’s not ideally what I want to hear from him, but it is at least a response. Even his “idk” is a response. A very useless response that isn’t even worth checking my messages for. And it ruins the excitement of wanting to see what he said. It’s like waiting for the mail to come because you have a package coming and then getting junk mail.
Okay. This list is not working. I’m just justifying the things that he does. It’s not making his annoying habits more endearing. I think that was the point Megan was trying to get me to understand.
This was all totally her idea and didn’t come from me reading my journal. I will have to think of something else to make me love him more. I mean... To make me realize all of the things that I love about him and just have forgotten.
I bet I would freak him out if I asked him to go t a couple’s counseling. We’re too young of a relationship. We’ve been dating for five months, but three of those months were spent apart.
Maybe I’m just suffering from post-separation anxiety. I’m not anxious over the separation anymore. I’m afraid that we won’t be a couple after the separation. I wonder if there are pills or anything you can take for that.
Maybe I’m too neurotic and need to stop thinking about the actual relationship and just enjoy him and everything that we are as a couple.
Aug. 28, 2010
Steve and I went out to the bars last night. He got a little drunk. Okay, he got very drunk. He gyrated on me most of the time at the bar. I guess I should enjoy rubbing my ass against his crotch as
he grabs my tits. Somehow giving him an erection while he molests me isn’t very enjoyable.
Since he was incapable of driving, I couldn’t drink last night after a certain point. He passed out in my bed. Of course, I had to help get him in my bed.
I thought the night was a total waste, but he had a drunk boner.
It was the best sex we’ve had in a while. He just laid there until I was finished and dismounted from him. And since he was passed out, I didn’t have to worry about him talking to me and saying things that I didn’t really care about.
This must be what it is like to be a man.
I can’t say that I enjoy acting like a man. The being able to orgasm and then quit part is kind of fun, but I didn’t really like him not being present, except in dick only. It was a kind of shallow sex, even more so than a random hookup.
And I did want to talk to him, even if I hated him a little bit at that moment. I wanted him to hold me and do everything that I have wanted him to do since we came back to school. I just can’t get him to understand this.
I would talk to him about it, but there’s no good way to bring that kind of thing up to a guy. If I tried to talk to him about it, it would just cause a fight. Or he would zone out, and I would get pissed off. He would then ask me what’s wrong. I would say, “Nothing.” He would push me for an answer. Guys can never tell when you want to talk about something until you get so mad about it that you don’t really want to talk about. At that point, it should be obvious what is wrong. But they still can’t figure it out, so press you for an answer so that they can fix the problem. The only problem is that the problem should have been fixed a long time ago.
I mean, I shouldn’t have to have sex with my boyfriend when he is drunk and passed out. And it sure as hell shouldn’t be the best sex I’ve had in a while. And I shouldn’t feel guilty for having sex with my boyfriend, except that I know that it amounted to rape.
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