As much I want to try to justify it all the way a guy would, I feel bad about it. Now I kind of have to stay with him to help to rebuild the trust that I just destroyed. But I don’t feel like I can tell him what I’ve done. I know that I should.
Do guys care if they weren’t awake for sex? I know that most are just happy to get some. The only problem is that he didn’t really get some this time. With how much he had to drink and with me just using him to get off, I pretty much left him with blue balls.
I don’t really think the blue balls were my fault. With as much as he had to drink, part of his body was telling him to pee. There was another part of his body telling him that he was aroused. I just sided with the part of the body that was aroused. So in a way, I was really just listening to and responding to his unspoken cues.
I think it is best to just not mention this to him.
Aug. 29, 2010
So I told Steve that I raped him. We then got into a huge fight that he somehow won. I mean, he wasn’t even really upset that I raped him. He was just mad that we had unprotected sex. He said he didn’t want to get me pregnant. He said he’s not ready to be a father, and that if I do get pregnant, he’s not going to take care of the kid.
I told him I was on the pill. Plus I told him that he didn’t cum last night. I then started into my defense, which included bringing up all of the problems we have been having since we got back to school.
He denied us having any problems and said that a normal person would actually discuss their problems with their boyfriend and not take advantage of them.
And I couldn’t really argue with that. But when I tried to bring up our problems as a couple, he made me sound crazy or like one of those crazy psycho-sluts. I just wanted to talk to him about everything that was wrong with us as a couple, and he blew me off.
We’re supposed to go out in a few days. He wants some time to think things over.
We’re not on a break or anything. I think he is doing a power move here. He wants to act like he is punishing me and make it seem like he is right in this matter so that we don’t have to actually talk about our problems.
If I let him get away with this, we will never discuss what is wrong. The only problem is that I can’t break up with him after having just raped him. It looks bad.
I have to let this go until he is ready to talk, which is not going to happen. He’s a guy. Plus, even when we were good as a couple, we still didn’t discuss feelings. We just had really great sex and enjoyed each other’s company, which included a lot of physical intimacy and some getting to know each other.
I think we really need to break up. There’s no way to fix this relationship.
I will wait and see what he does.
Sept. 4, 2010
Steve and I had dinner together tonight for the first time since the fight. We had hung out together some during the week and had a few phone calls and texts, but everything between us was formal, even when he ended every conversation saying that he loved me.
The dinner was okay. He did everything to make it seem like we were a couple. He kissed me goodnight. Well, he kissed me on the cheek.
Maybe I seemed a little cool. He was trying to be romantic. I just felt indifferent to him and really wanted to break up with him. I would break up with him, but I don’t know if I want to be just friends with him, or just remain friends on Facebook while not actually ever talking to each other. I don’t think I want to unfriend him. He wasn’t a bad boyfriend. We’re just no longer good as a couple.
I’m looking forward to this weekend. I’m going to go home for Labor Day. I’ll discuss everything with my sister. Sometimes the best thing to do is to talk it out with somebody that knows you and has your best interests at heart. And she will help me to figure out what I am really feeling and thinking.
Sept. 7, 2010
It felt good to see my family this weekend. And it felt good to be away from Steve and all of our problems. I decided to not break up with him. I think I can save this relationship.
This feels like the right decision, especially after having lunch with him today. I don’t know what changed about him, but we seemed more like we did when we first started going out. We talked about what was going on in our lives. And he listened like he actually cared. He looked deep into my eyes and hung on my every word. He told me I was beautiful and held me close to him. There was a softness and a tenderness to his kisses. And I felt like he actually loved me.
And as we walked back to my apartment, we just talked and held hands. When we got back to my place, I apologized for having raped him. He kissed me and told me that it was okay and that I didn’t need to apologize. He should have been paying better attention to me and everything that I was feeling.
We then had sex, but it was different from all of the sex we have had before. It was soft, sweet, and tender. He held me after it. We just laid there and talked. We then showered together and got ready for dinner.
He was even sweet in the shower. He was more loving than erotic or passionate. He wasn’t seeing what he could do with me. It was about his light touches and caresses and him taking care of me. The best part was that he didn’t ask for anything in return.
He actually took me out to eat for dinner. It was that nice little Italian place, Cusina DeBenecia or something. It was almost a candlelit dinner, except that there were no candles. The lights were just a little dim, but in a romantic way. And the waiter suggested wines to go with your pasta dish.
After that, we just hung out at my place. He held me as we watched TV.
He’s asleep right now. I’m enjoying watching him sleep. He’s so beautiful. I know that he isn’t going to like that term, but how else would you describe it? He’s so at peace. His dark hair is just slightly messed up. His lips are begging to be kissed.
And he is shirtless, so I get to see his pecks, biceps, and the top of his abs. He really is a gorgeous man.
And I can’t say what has changed or how it even happened, but I’m glad that we didn’t break up. Of all of the guys that I’ve dated, this feels right. I feel loved.
Sept. 11, 2010
Guys are assholes! I want to take back everything I said about Steve being handsome, sweet, and romantic. Apparently he was only doing all of this stuff this week because over Labor Day weekend, his best friend, Jack, confided in him that he was going to propose to his longtime girlfriend, Brittany.
Well, it seems that Steve has been sleeping with Brittany. When Jack told him he was going to propose to her, he broke off the affair and was going to act like it never happened.
I don’t think Steve expected Brittany to turn Jack down tonight and tell him about the affair.
I was out with Steve at the bars when Jack called him and acted all excited about the proposal and then asked if he could speak to me. He said that Brittany wanted to ask me something. When he handed me the phone, Jack then told me that Steve had been having an affair with Brittany since the summer and that she told him this tonight when he proposed to her. He said if I had any questions that I could meet him at the FishBowl.
I casually hung up the phone and turned to Steve. “So you’ve been sleeping with Jack’s girlfriend?”
You should have seen how he was trying to make excuses for it. He tried to act like the hero by saying that he was the one that broke it off. He “ended it as soon as I heard Jack was going to propose to her.” What kind of reasoning is that? Who sleeps with your best friend’s girlfriend of four years?
He tried to tell me that he loved me and that he wanted to work things out. He brought up how I raped him, which was worse than what he did. He had only been cheating on me since June.
The sad part is that I don’t really care that he cheated on me. I mean, I have been cheated on before. Shit, I’ve even done two guys at the same time, but that was without giving either of the guys an actual relationship status.
What makes me mad about this is that I spent the summer trying to sustain a relationship when he was b
anging somebody else? And then I’ve spent the past few weeks trying to save that relationship. When I feel guilty about taking advantage of him in a drunken state, he tried to act like I was the reason that the relationship wasn’t like it once was.
Then I find out that the wonderful past couple of days I have been enjoying with him are due to the fact that he ended the affair with his best friend’s girlfriend. It had nothing to do with me and how he felt about me. He was just doing what he had to do to keep getting some, since he had just lost what he had been getting on the side.
When I met Jack at the FishBowl, I found him to be a mess. He was still coherent. He was just really depressed. He was so sad and pathetic that I kind of forgot my anger.
I sat beside him and tried to smile a sympathetic smile, but he just turned away and looked at his drink as he was lost in his thoughts. He then turned to me and asked me if I wanted something to drink.
After I ordered my drink, we just sat there in silence. I didn’t know what to say to him. “Are you okay”, seemed a little inappropriate and insensitive at a moment like this. I didn’t know him that well. I mean, I have had conversations with him before, but it was always at parties or other things where Steve was around. He was always very good to ask me about my major, how my day was, and other stuff like that, but we had never had a really in depth conversation.
The one thing I always admired about Jack whenever I would hang out with him and Steve is how he always seemed to think about other people and be genuinely interested in them and what they had to say. Although he was a little slow on his conversation tonight, that quality was still present in him.
“I hope you don’t mind me telling you that Steve was cheating on you. I felt you had the right to know.”
I told him that it was fine and that I was glad that he told me.
“Do you know... all of my friends knew about this, but none of them told me? I’ve been friends with him since first grade. And I’ve been with her for four years. And it’s not like they just cheated on my once. They’ve been doing this all summer, right under my very nose. Even my other friends knew about it, but none of them would tell me.”
He closed his eyes, and I couldn’t tell if he wanted to cry or was about to pass out from the alcohol. I put my hand on his shoulder and asked him if he was okay.
“Did you know that he was cheating on you?”
“No. I knew that we were having problems, but I never thought that he would cheat on me.”
“I didn’t even think that Brittany and I were having problems. I thought everything was perfect between us and that she was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. You would think some of my “friends” would have told me that she was cheating me when I told them I was going shopping for rings.”
He then pulled the ring from his coat pocket and presented it to me. It was a gorgeous ring. The diamond wasn’t too big. It was just the right size for a young man still in college. You could tell that he had put thought into buying it for her. He must have had the entire night planned out for her just to find out that she had been cheating on him.
I wonder if the beauty of the ring is what finally made her admit to the relationship with Steve. I don’t think Steve was going to admit it to him, even though he did break it off as soon as he knew Jack was going to propose to her.
I don’t know if I was admiring the ring a little too long, but Jack looked at me and said, “Do you want it? It’s paid for. I worked all summer for it.”
“No, I...”
“Just put it on.”
He then took the ring out of the box and put it on my finger.
“See. Isn’t it beautiful? While I was busy working and saving up the money for that, she was busy screwing my best friend. And you should have seen her face when I got down on one knee tonight and popped that ring out. It brought her to tears and made her admit that she didn’t deserve that ring.”
He looked at the ring on my finger and his face changed. He seemed to be torn between two emotions, but he dismissed one and continued, “You know you’ve done a good job of picking out an engagement ring when it makes your girlfriend cry tears of regret instead of tears of joy. That ring is so beautiful that it made her feel unworthy of me and everything that that ring stands for.”
And at that moment, I just started crying. I couldn’t help it. I just felt really bad for him. And I couldn’t stop crying, even when he tried to get me to stop. How was I supposed to stop crying when he just kept saying that I needed to stop because the ring was bought to make somebody happy? After he said that, I just started bawling.
I had to get away from him. I stepped outside, but he followed me. “Come on, Liselle, don’t cry. I’ve had enough sadness and heartache for the day. I don’t need the only friend I have at the moment to fall apart on me.”
And then I kissed him. I just grabbed him by the face and kissed him. I don’t know why. He was just so sweet and pathetic. He had been though a lot. He made my situation look not so bad. And he gave me some sort of hope that there could be a halfway decent guy out there for me.
He looked at me and said, “How you been wanting to do that for a long time, or was it just...”
I then had to explain to him that I kind of get over failed relationships by making out with other people and that he was just so beautiful in his heartbreak that I wanted to make out with him, which is a very hard thing to explain to somebody that was your ex-boyfriend’s best friend when they just got dumped by the girl that your ex-boyfriend was screwing.
He thought about this and then said, “Well, I was going to use alcohol and try to drink my way out of this alone, but your way seems a lot better.”
“Not necessarily. I’ve been doing this since I was a senior in high school. I don’t know which guy I’m trying to get over at this point in my life. As far as I know, I could still be trying to get over my first failed romance, but with so many guys in between, it’s hard to tell.”
“Do you want to go back inside and get a few drinks?”
And so I joined him for several drinks. We just sat and talked about how stupid this whole love thing is. I was finally able to tell him about everything me and Steve and everything that I had been feeling lately. And I heard about how he met Steve in first grade and how they had always been the best of friends and how they would discuss women. And then he started to talk about Brittany and how they had gotten together.
I didn’t have the heart to tell him that he was still madly in love with her. He doesn’t care about anything that happened tonight. He would take her back right now. And that kind of makes me sad. He feels things for her that I have never felt for anybody I have ever dated.
That’s not saying that I wouldn’t want to feel a kind of love like that. I just don’t think it is possible. He talks as if being in love is like everything I saw in Disney movies growing up. I have never found love to be that way. It has always been sex with a guy you find attractive until you end up being friends. I just figured that as long as you got along with the guy and enjoyed his company that you were a good couple. When you end up feeling like you are just tolerating the guy, then it is time to end the romance.
We drank and talked until it was time for the bar to close. And for the first time in my life, I didn’t want the conversation with a guy to end, so I asked him what he was doing now.
He seemed to think about this. “I don’t know. I should go home, but Steve is there. I don’t really want to see him now, and I’m a little mad at my other friends for not telling me that they knew I was being cheated on.”
So I told him that he could sleep over at my place. Neither one of us was in the mood to be alone. He tried to object on moral grounds, until he realized that spending time with me wouldn’t be cheating on Brittany. Saying you won’t marry a guy is pretty final. I don’t think I should have mentioned that to him, or kissed him again at that moment. But even guys that are still in love with another girl won’t refuse a make out session wit
h another girl, as long as the guy is currently single.
I don’t know what I was thinking, or even what I was wanting. Part of me thought that it would be getting back at Steve. Part of me feared being alone that night. I just wanted somebody in bed with me. If you have a guy’s arm around you as you are asleep, you don’t feel so bad about yourself. You at least get the feeling that somebody in this world finds you attractive and wants to be with you.
We started off holding hands and continued our conversation from the bar. When we got back to my place, I led him instantly to the bedroom and started to make out with him. When I started to undo his shirt, he stopped kissing me and said, “I should be going.”
I then apologized to him. I started babbling about how I’m sorry if I made him feel uncomfortable. I know that he is going through a hard time right now. And then I said something about how a rebound romance usually makes me feel better. I just thought that maybe if we used each other knowing that we didn’t have any deep feelings for each other that we could both get over our exes while kind of getting back at them at the same time.
“Why should we feel like rejects when we know we’re worthy of love”, he finally said, interrupting my babbling.
I did my best to smile and nod. I was too close to being on the verge of tears to say much more.
He then took my hand and looked me in the eyes. “We can be each other’s cocoon.”
“What?”
“We can be each other’s cocoon. We’ve both been hurt by love, but if we use each other to get over all of our previous baggage, we can emerge from this as beautiful butterflies capable of truly loving that person that is worthy of us.”
I couldn’t believe that he was asking me to use him and made it sound kind of fun and romantic.
“So we’re just going to use each other?”
“Look, we’re both going through a hard time right now. If we don’t use each other to get over the heartache, we’re just going to end up hurting somebody else or end up hurting ourselves even more. But if we help each other through this, we can get through this without having to make somebody else pay for the crimes that were committed against us today.”
Broken Hearts Damaged Goods Page 2
