Broken Hearts Damaged Goods

by Gunthridge, Jack

  When I got over to her, we both just looked at each other, and there was an extremely awkward silence that probably matched my actions. And with her friends staring at me and laughing, I somehow managed to stammer out, “Would you like to dance?”

  Even today I can still remember how sweet her, “I would love to”, sounded.

  I don’t remember what song we first danced to. The majority of my senses were dulled in her presence. All I can remember was the vision of loveliness that was dancing with me. I know that our first dance was a slow dance. I know that I liked the way that she felt in my arms. I know that I managed to stutter enough words together to tell her how beautiful she looked. Everything else was a blur at that particular moment in time for me, or I have forgotten it completely.

  I do remember her asking me if I thought my date would get upset because I was dancing with her. I told her that Jenny and I were just friends. She tried to tell me that sometimes a girl is just friends with a guy when they really want more.

  “Well, she’s told me all of the guys that she has a crush on. I’m pretty sure we’re just friends”, I said as I gently caressed her bare back.

  “And how long have you had a crush on me,” she said with a smile playing on her lips.

  “I... um... don’t have a crush on you. I just saw you over there and wanted to be with you”, was all that I could say.

  I’m sure that it didn’t come out the way that I wanted, but I didn’t expect her to say, “And how much have you had to drink tonight?”

  “I’m... um... completely sober. I’m just... naturally this awkward... and clumsy. I have no idea what I’m doing right now. I just saw you and haven’t really done much thinking since then. Do I smell like alcohol? I tried aftershave today. I thought girls like that sort of thing, even if I put it on for a girl I’m just friends with.”

  This made her smile, and in a good way. “You smell very good.” And so we danced without knowing how else to continue this conversation.

  I don’t know how long the silence raged before I finally broke it, or shattered it with my extreme awkwardness, “Am I dancing okay for you?”

  “Excuse me?”

  “I... uh... I haven’t danced with that many girls, and well, the girls I have danced with were just friends, so I wasn’t that concerned about... um... impressing them. So this is the first time in my life where I actually care if I’m... um... somewhat decent at dancing, so that I can ask you out. Or hang out. I mean, we can hang out before actually going out on a date. I just want to get to know you... better. I would like to know more about you.”

  “Do you have your cell phone on you”, she asked with a shy smile on her lips.

  “Yes”, I said as I fumbled around in my pocket to pull it out. “Actually that was the hard thing that rubbed next to you a minute ago.”

  And as she laughed at me, I became more embarrassed and tried to clarify it with, “I just didn’t want you to think that I was some pervert wanting to dance with you so that I could...”

  And it was at that point that I dropped my phone as I tried to open it. It fell under her dress. I thought that my chances with her were over. I stopped talking. I knew that my explanations were just making the situation worse.

  To my surprise, she bent down and picked up my phone. She then went to my contacts and added her number.

  When she handed me back my phone, she said, “Call me sometime. You can either ask me out or ask me to hang out.”

  And then she walked away. I watched the lovely flow of her dress and her beautiful form as she left me. I was lost in a moment until she turned around and said, “You’d better rejoin your friend. Even girls that you’re just friends with don’t like to be left alone at dances.”

  I went back to Jenny and was bombarded with questions about Brittany. I tried to answer them the best that I could, but it was just one dance. It has always amazed me that women can think of so many questions for an event that guys consider insignificant at the time. I don’t know if women have some sort of extra sense that tells them that something is more important than what guys think it is.

  Brittany and I didn’t talk again for the rest of the night. We glanced over at each other, but that was it. I danced with Jenny and kept her company. She made me go over everything that happened with Brittany during the dance and told me how sweet it was.

  I was sure that I had made a complete and utter fool of myself. Jenny just told me that I was really cute and that cute was a good thing.

  I don’t know. I still wasn’t thinking. I wasn’t even thinking when I called Brittany the next day. We ended up talking for half an hour before I finally asked her out. I asked her if she would like to do something next weekend. She then said that she wouldn’t mind doing something tonight.

  We ended up going to dinner and a movie that night. Everything just worked out. The conversation flowed freely. And I think we both knew that we would be a couple.

  I never had to work on the relationship. Maybe that was the problem. With everything being so perfect and me never thinking about what I was doing, I became lazy and never realized that there were problems.

  Maybe I became so confident in us as a couple that I forgot to tell her how beautiful she was. Maybe that is why she cheated on me. Steve has an innate ability to make women feel special. Being a natural flirt and the type of guy who never says no, he could have easily have flattered her. She then would have encouraged him knowing that he could give her things that I wasn’t in our relationship.

  Liselle can say what she wants about me, but I still think that I was to blame for the breakup.

  Since the breakup with Brittany, I have thought about that dance on several occasions. I have wondered what would have happened if I had never asked her to dance. I could have saved myself the pain I have been experiencing the last month, but I would have missed one of the greatest experiences of my life.

  When I danced with Liselle the other night, I thought about Brittany sometimes. That dance will forever haunt me as will Brittany. But then there were times when I thought of Liselle and how nice she looked, how I enjoyed being with her, and how I would not want to be dancing with anybody else right now.

  Oct. 8, 2010

  I went to the mall today and bought some lingerie. I’m not exactly sure why. Jack told me the other day that maybe it would be best if we didn’t date. He doesn’t think it is fair to me since he thinks that I’m starting to develop feelings for him and he is still in love with Brittany. So naturally I buy lingerie to entice him.

  I decided to not go the extra slutty route. I didn’t want to appear to be easy when I am throwing myself at a guy that doesn’t really want me.

  I can’t say that he doesn’t totally not want me. He has been coming to bed the past few nights without a shirt. It’s like he’s teasing me with his sexy body, which was just a little bit sexier by the fact that he felt a little shy being shirtless around me. It’s nice to know that guys feel self-conscious about their bodies too. I didn’t think they would since the majority of the guys I know are so eager to get naked with me.

  Anyway, tonight when he came to bed, I had a bottle of men’s body lotion and offered to give him a massage. I figured that it was the most intimate thing that I could do with him while still pretending to be just friends.

  He didn’t even put up a fight. All I had to do was tell him that I noticed his skin was getting a little dry last night. I assured him that it wasn’t his fault. It happens this time of year. I then offered to rub it on him.

  The thing I’ve noticed about Jack is that he seems to want to please people. There is a lack of confidence in him that seems to doubt everything about himself as if he is not worthy. I can’t bring this up to him, though, without making him self-conscious about it. Anyway, I would rather have a guy that stops and thinks about what you think about them and what they’re doing than to have a guy that’s an asshole that does whatever he wants without thinking about you.

  Anyway, I st
arted the massage with his back. He has a really nice ass. I didn’t get to see it or anything. I just felt how firm it was as I was straddling him massaging his back.

  I felt that the best way to show that I was thinking about him and not just doing this as a way to seduce him was to have him tell me about Brittany and their relationship.

  He told me about how they met. And it was a really cute story. I don’t have any stories like that with any guy that I’ve dated. But what struck me the most was how he looks at love as chance happenings. He doesn’t think you can plan it. It just sort of happens without any forethought of the people involved.

  That’s when I accidentally told him that I disagreed and that all of my experiences with love have been random hookups and not chance encounters that ever taught me anything meaningful.

  I realized that this was a mistake as soon as he offered to give me a massage as I talked about my relationship issues. Fortunately I was able to keep this focused on him

  I had him roll over so that he was now on his back. I then straddled him and started to massage the front of his shoulders and his pecks. I also rubbed the lotion over his abs. As much as he tried to hide it, I could tell that he was getting turned on.

  And then there was that awkward moment where we were both looking at each other and nothing happened. I had no choice but to dismount and gracefully acknowledge, “Well, I think you are fully lotioned. We’ll have to do this again tomorrow night.”

  As I settled into bed with him, I wondered to myself whether it was more painful to have him there beside me knowing that I could turn him on and not make him love me, or knowing that he was so unattracted to me that he hadn’t even noticed the lingerie and the way that I had done my hair and makeup just for him.

  And as much as it comforted me, it also hurt me when he cuddled up next to me and put his arm around me.

  Then he whispered in my ear, “It’s 11:11. Make a wish.”

  And I wished that I could keep myself from not totally breaking down and crying in front of him right now.

  “Did you make a wish”, he said as if he were a kid and believed that it could be true.

  So I told him yes, kissed him, and told him that we couldn’t share what we wished for or it wouldn’t come true.

  “I don’t think there’s any problem with that. I wished that we had met under different circumstances. If I don’t make love to you, it’s not because I don’t want to, or don’t think that you’re extremely beautiful. I just don’t want you to regret anything as we’re trying to heal each other”, he said.

  “And what if we’re supposed to be together and you’re fighting chance?”

  “Chance doesn’t go to bed with her hair made up and makeup on.”

  “But what if you walked up to Brittany that night and had that dance all by chance to get you to me as I happened to be with Steve”, I said. “What if every failed relationship I have had has led me to you so that I could help you learn how to express your sexual desires?”

  “Help me learn to express my sexual desires?”

  “Yes. You’re sexologically stunted, and it’s all because of her and her celibacy rules. How much did you want to do with her and were never allowed to do? She’s made it so that you can’t even touch a woman and not feel ashamed. That’s not normal.”

  “And what? You want me to just simply use your body because you think I’m sexologically stunted”, he said as he came in closer to me. “I’m sorry, Liselle, but love never comes at the expense of another. I’m not going to use you, or ask you to sacrifice yourself for me and my problems.”

  And as I rolled away from him, I started to cry. “The guy I lost my virginity to thought I could lose some weight. I dieted, and he thought I could still lose some weight. After that, I just started sleeping with guys because it was a way to get them to like me when I was surrounded by so many other prettier girls.”

  It was at this point that he started to actually touch me. “When I’m with you I want to do things with you that I’ve never wanted to do with Brittany, and it makes me feel ashamed because it makes me question what I had with her. But don’t confuse my issues with your sex appeal and natural beauty.”

  And he kissed me with soft, sweet kisses. And as he gently dried my tears, we looked at each other. I don’t know if I kissed him first or if he started it, but the kissing became heavier. And he soon took the lead.

  I’ve had guys undress me many times before, but I’ve never had a guy want me naked so bad while still being gentle with me. His passion was tempered with a desire to please me in the process.

  And I can’t say that he did anything any different than any guy before him, except the care and attention that he was giving me. He seemed to really enjoy kissing my body, and not just my breasts.

  This was actual foreplay and not some guy trying to get me naked so that we could have sex. And I don’t know how long it lasted. I just know that Jack didn’t stop, except when he got down to my underwear. He looked up at me, and I gave him the go ahead with my eyes.

  I don’t know what made it so amazing. Part of it was that he reached his hand up for me to take. And I liked running my fingers through his hair. More than just getting serviced by somebody that I liked, I felt emotionally connected to them as well as physically connected. I don’t remember that ever happening before.

  And I don’t know if it was him, his technique, or the amount of time he devoted to the act, but I ended up squirting, which wouldn’t have been so bad, except that since I had been playing with his hair, I kind of pulled his face right into it as it was happening.

  He seemed to handle it okay. I was more than a little embarrassed. Before we could really talk about it, I wiped off his face with the sheets and told him to run through the shower while I cleaned up the bed.

  After his shower, he came back into the bedroom. He was smelling really good and looking really hot. His hair was still a little wet and his chest was damp like he had just taken a really hot shower that made him perspire a little. And there I was in an old t-shirt and a pair of pajama bottoms waiting for him to start the conversation, which he did with, “You decided to get out of your lingerie?”

  “I’m not exactly feeling sexy right now”, I said with as much grace and dignity as I could.

  That’s when he got in bed next to me and put his arms around me. “Was that the first time that’s happened?”

  “Yeah. I’ll try to make sure that it doesn’t happen again. But I’ll understand if you decide to not...”, I said avoiding eye contact as much as I could.

  He tilted my head up and made me look him in the eyes. “You didn’t do anything wrong. And you may not believe it, but I’m glad that I was able to pleasure you in a way that Steve and other guys have not been able to.”

  He kissed me, and I knew that it was okay. And he just held me. There were things that I wanted to ask him, but I felt they were better left unsaid. So as I felt safe, secure, and loved within his arms I had to try to dismiss the thought of whether he was thinking of me or Brittany as he was getting me off.

  Maybe it doesn’t matter. He is making a lot of progress. I should be happy with that. He’s no longer afraid to touch my breasts or to go down on me. Being with him makes me happy. And if I can heal him enough, I think I could make him happy, too.

  I will see how he introduces me to people at the wedding since he has started to pull back from the whole dating thing. I can’t really blame him for that, though. I have made it kind of awkward for us after the dates. I will have to remember to be less... me or whatever... at the wedding.

  Damaged Goods

  By

  Jack Webber

  Over the past week, Liselle and I have been trying to prepare ourselves as we get ready to debut our relationship to my family. As we have started to develop our official narrative, we have had to discuss the less than ideal way in which we came to know each other. As we have tried to write a socially acceptable story to tell people, I have started to
realize just how damaged we are.

  How are we going to say that we met?

  You can lie and say that after Brittany cheated on you that you turned to me for comfort. Your family doesn’t need to know that when we left the bar that night that we were planning on having sex.

  I will say that you were the only person I could turn to with my sorrow. As we continued to talk and share our feelings about having been cheated on, we discovered that something more was there.

  When you came home with me that night, were you planning on having sex with me?

  I had thought about it. I wanted to do something to get back at Brittany. I wanted something to take the pain away. I’m glad now that I decided not to go through with it. I would have hated using you that way.

  Don’t worry about it. I’ve been used like that before, and I’ve used guys for that before.

  Would you have really slept with me that night?

  Yeah. That’s why I invited you back to my place.

  What did you think of me that night? Did you feel anything for me?

  I felt sorry for you.

  So it would have been a pity fuck?

  No. You broke my heart that night. I saw a man that was experiencing a lot of the same things that I had gone through before when some of my relationships had ended. Since you had always been nice to me, I thought I would see what I could do to help you. I figured that it would be better if I was the one that got used by you, instead of somebody else. At least I would understand where your heartache was coming from. And I wouldn’t judge you for not calling me the next day.

  Why did you agree to let me stay with you?

  You were really sweet. And you broke my heart. And you needed me. Then when you suggested that we use each other to get over the heartache, I thought of how nice that it would. It saved me from a random hookup with a guy that was just going to be using me.

  So that was it? There wasn’t anything special about me?

  No. I mean, you were... When I told Megan that you were going to be staying with me, she said that I made you sound like a puppy that I had found on the streets and was trying to keep.