Monica When?
Tony At the end. Did they say ‘When can you start?’ or something?
She gets her mobile out.
Monica They don’t come out with it outright, Antonio McBonio. But I bet this little baby’s gonna ring any moment. Think I’ll call Sheila.
Tony Sheila?
Monica My agent.
Tony I thought she got rid of you.
Monica (on phone) Hi, is that Ming? Ming, it’s Monica. Book deal? No Ming, it’s Monica Murray. Hi. Murray. I used to be a client of Sheila’s. Hi. I’m fine. Just about to do The Red Rink I think. So! Fingers crossed! Oh, it’s this really ‘grrrrreat!’ new musical about. . . Sorry? Well, yeah, I rang to speak to Sheila. Oh, right. When will she be out of it? No, I mean the meeting. God, that’s a long one. It’s just she said. Right. Could you tell her I called? Well, I just thought, what with me going into the show. I just thought she might be interested in … Right. Right. Oh, I see. Really? What… never? Right. Any specific reason? Sorry? Ming? Ming I think I’m breaking up. (Hangs up.) I’m going to have to get a new phone.
Tony So did you have to sing?
Monica Aha.
Tony What did you sing?
Monica What do I always sing?
She pulls her dress over her face and sings ‘Lord Here Comes The Flood’, a la Bette Midler. As she sings, Iggy comes out of the French windows. He is taken aback by her singing. He gets a bit upset.
She drops her dress.
Tony {to Iggy) You OK? Come here.
Iggy sits on his knee. Tony hugs him.
Monica Oh, hi, Iggy.
Iggy Is that what you sang at Frankie’s funeral?
Monica How did you know?
Iggy Tony told me.
Tony Monica’s had an audition.
Monica Apparendy Jayne Torvill’s read the script and thinks it’s really shit hot.
Iggy Who?
Monica Jayne Torvill. Torvill and Dean? All those sixes?
Tony He’s too young.
She takes one of Tony’ s cigarettes. As she lights up:
Monica (showing off) I told them about Frankie.
Tony Why?
Monica Well, like my character gets stabbed, right, and like just dies there. Blood on the white-cold ice of the rink. And I said, ‘You know, something similar happened to a really close friend of mine last year.’
Tony Frankie wasn’t stabbed, Monica.
Monica But he died. And people gathered round. They were all really sympathetic.
Tony Sympathetic? One of them went through his pockets!
Monica No, the musical people. I told them about the pockets. They all looked horrified. I thought Pam was going to cry.
Tony I’ll expect a bouquet this afternoon then, shall I?
Monica (Nottingham accent) Don’t be facetious Tony. (Ozvn voice.) That’s quite good, isn’t it? (Nottingham.) That’s really good. I’m doing a Nottingham accent Tony. What do you think?
Tony It’s wonderful, babe.
Monica Cheers cock!
Iggy Is Nottingham in South Africa then?
Tony pisses himself laughing.
Monica (own voice) Oh yeah, that’s right. Go on, laugh at me.
Tony Lighten up, for fuck’s sake. It was only a joke.
Monica Nice meeting you, Iggy. Will we be seeing you again? I suppose it’s going to be difficult, what with your new job and everything. D’you know what I mean?
Iggy Oh, you never know. Stranger things have happened.
Monica What time’s your train?
Iggy Are you trying to get rid of me?
Monica No! No! No! God, you’re so paranoid! Jesus! What am I doing even mixing with you guys? I’ve gotta get me to Stanmore! Got an A to Z Toe?
Tony In the bedroom, on the shelf.
She goes inside.
Iggy She’s right. I should be getting off really.
Tony Get off with me.
Pause.
I never was very good at being serious. It was Frankie’s biggest complaint about me.
Iggy I know.
Tony It’s easier to play court jester. I thought I’d lost my sense of humour. But when I’m with you, right. It comes back, crap though it may be.
Beat.
What d’you mean, you know?
Iggy It’s something I’ve noticed.
Tony What is?
Iggy You’ll have a laugh rather than be serious.
Tony What are you? My fucking psychiatrist?
Iggy You do it all the time.
Tony You’ve only known me five minutes.
Iggy Well, Frankie didn’t like it, did he? You just said.
Tony Do you have to go back?
Iggy Well, I can’t stay here for ever, can I?
Tony Why not?
Iggy Well, what about my job? I’m starting a new job soon.
Tony Yeah, well, I reckon you made that up.
Iggy Why would I make that up?
Tony So you don’t have to stay here.
Iggy Tony, I came away for a long weekend. I didn’t expect to meet someone.
Tony And let’s face it. You didn’t. Well, no one special, eh?
Iggy I don’t understand what you see in me.
Tony Fuck off, Iggy. Gorgeous gay lads don’t get to your age without knowing it. And older gay men don’t let good times like you pass them by. If they can help it.
Iggy You’re not old.
Tony Don’t.
Iggy And is that all you see in me?
Tony I could come to Manchester if you want.
Iggy You’ve got work.
Tony I’ll take a week off. I took today off.
Iggy There’s things you don’t know about me.
Tony There’s things you don’t know about me.
Iggy If you got to know me. You’d hate me.
Tony Try me.
Iggy I have to go.
Tony I don’t want you to. I could lie. Pretend. Say fine. Cool. Whatever. But it’s not fine. It’s not cool. And I’m sick to fucking death of that word whatever.
Iggy I’m sorry.
Tony These things. That if I knew about you I’d hate you. Tell me.
Iggy No.
Tony You think I’d never forgive you?
Iggy No.
Tony I will. I promise.
Iggy No.
Tony If I don’t forgive you then I give you the right to stab me. How’s that?
Pause.
Have you murdered someone? Is that it? Have you?
Iggy No!
Tony Well, it can’t be all that bad then.
Iggy I don’t need your forgiveness.
Tony Do you not?
Pause.
Iggy Bye, Tony. I’ll phone you.
Tony Fine. Cool. Whatever.
Iggy kisses him and then heads to the back gate.
Iggy The chicken was nice.
Tony Very tender. The flowers were nice too.
Iggy looks back.
Tony The red roses.
Iggy Which red roses?
Tony The ones you put on Frankie’s grave.
Pause.
Iggy Did you see me?
Tony I didn’t need to.
Iggy How did you know?
Tony About the flowers? Well, you were fucking him, weren’t you?
Iggy He told you?
Tony No, he didn’t have the backbone. I thought you had to go.
Iggy How did you know?
Tony I first saw you on March the first, 1998. Frankie was up in Manchester on business. Checking out some clubs for Trade. He phoned me in the afternoon. I was in a cunty mood and we had a row. Nothing major, but after I put the phone down I started to feel guilty. So I decided to be dead impulsive and get on a train. And go to his hotel. I get there in the … the evening. And the bloke on reception says he’s gone out for dinner. Did he know where? Yes he’d made the booking. He’d gone to Mash. So I go to Mash. And I climb up the stairs. Oh, I’d forgo
tten to say I was looking devilishly handsome and carrying a big fuck-off bouquet of flowers. I tell the waiter I’m looking for Mr McAdam. He points out thé table. There’s a waiter standing at the next table. Frankie’s sitting there with his hand outstretched. The waiter moves out to reveal that Frankie is in fact holding someone’s hand. Your hand. He never held my hand in public. But he’s holding your hand. And I hid behind the flowers. And I walked out, backwards. I went outside and stood where he couldn’t see me, but where I could get a good look at you. And you were sat there. And you weren’t saying much. So little in fact that I thought, this isn’t the first time. In fact, this is worse. This has been going on for some time.
Pause.
Did you love him, Iggy? I don’t want to call you Brett. Did you?
Iggy I …
Tony Did you love him?
Iggy Yes I did.
Tony And did he love you?
Pause.
Did he love you?
Iggy He said he did. But he never left you.
Tony We’re not talking about me. We’re talking about you two.
Iggy I’m sorry.
Tony It must have really fucked you off that he was with me.
Iggy Maybe.
Tony You didn’t have a clue who I was at first, did you?
Iggy says nothing.
Tony When I clocked you that night in the pub. I just wanted to be near you. Because you’d been near to him. When did you realise?
Iggy I knew who you were from the off. I’m sorry, Tony. I should be going.
Tony I still don’t want you to go.
Iggy I’m not Frankie.
Tony No. But now we’ve got things out in the open.
Iggy This is too weird. The whole fucking thing’s weird.
Tony I know you a little bit now. I know what he saw in you.
Iggy Snap.
Tony Why ‘Iggy’?
Iggy Middle name.
Tony I really wanted to hurt you. I really wanted to hate you. And I don’t. Thought I’d freak you out bringing you back here that night. And I never.
Iggy Wanna bet?
Tony You’re a part of him. You were intimate with him. And I wanted to feel close to him.
Iggy (shrugs) Snap.
Tony And then it all changed. I liked you. And I thought, well, there’s no harm in this. We’ll have the conversation one day. He’ll freak but he’ll be fine. And then I think why am I doing this? Am I getting revenge on him? But I don’t think I am. I really don’t think I am. What did he say I was like?
Iggy He said you were all right. Said you were good-looking. He showed me a photo. I said I wouldn’t kick you out of bed.
Tony And you didn’t. Did he say he loved me? Please feel free to lie, if he said he didn’t.
Iggy I’m not lying. He did.
Tony Did he tell you I was positive?
Iggy nods.
Tony What did he say?
Iggy Truth?
Tony Now feels like as good a time as any.
Iggy He said he couldn’t leave you in case you got ill.
Tony That tied to me, was he?
Iggy But he was talking bollocks, want he?
Tony Was he?
Iggy Course he coulda left you. If it was that wrong, you and him. And from the sounds of things you’ve not been that ill.
Tony Aye, I’ve been lucky.
Iggy So he coulda kicked you out at any point. So the way I see it he was just using your …
Tony Status?
Iggy As an excuse.
Tony He’d’ve had a job kicking me out. I bought this place.
Iggy I used to pretend it fucked me off. I’m sorry, Tony. But I did love him. In my own little way.
Tony You’re not the only one. I knew he shagged around. I’ve shagged around. But we used to have this agreement. More than once and it’s an affair. And that was breaking the rules. No way. But me. I’m a shithouse. A yes man. Didn’t even question him. Just thought it would run its course. And nobody else knew. So I was only losing my dignity in your eyes. And you I never knew. He never finished with you, did he?
Iggy shakes his head.
Tony How did you know he’d died?
Iggy Mary.
Tony For fuck’s sake! Did she know about you?
Iggy No, don’t be soft. I was in his Filofax. Under a false name. She left me a message on me machine. I rang her back and she told me he’d died. Crying me eyes out in the middle of Canal Street. On me mobile. All these queens going past screaming, ‘She’s been jibbed!’
Tony Oh you poor wee sod.
Iggy She said he was struck by lightning in some field.
Tony It wasn’t just any field darling. It was Hampstead Heath. It was mortifying. Burying your bloke when he’s died looking for a quick fuck. People laughing at the funeral. Saying what a great fan he was of outdoor pursuits. It’s not like it hadn’t crossed my mind. I asked Kevin. After he’d died. Whether he’d been having an affair. He seemed really shocked. I was glad. I thought I was Frankie’s best mate really. And if he could keep it a secret from me, he could keep it a secret from them.
The doorbell goes. Tony calls into the house.
Kev? Could you get that?!
They stand there. The doorbell goes again.
Monica?! Sorry, Iggy.
Tony goes inside. He lets Mary into the living room. She is carrying a flan dish.
Mary I phoned work, but they said you was poorly. I thought, ‘He’s bunking off.’ I bet half o’London’s bunking off today. It’s glorious. I’ve carried this all the way on the bus. I made it for me lady with the leg only something happened.
Tony Mary, this isn’t really a good time.
Mary Oh, all right, darling. I won’t stay long.
Tony You shoulda phoned.
Mary (to Iggy) Oh, you’re still knocking about, I see. What’s your name again?
Iggy Iggy.
Mary That’s the one.
At the same time as she says this …
Tony Mary. Kev and Monica are inside. Would you mind just … I just need a few minutes with Iggy.
Mary I had an apparition, darling. Hear me out.
Tony Look, Mary, I’m speaking plain English, will you just get the fuck outta my face?!
Mary Ooh! Who rattlded your cage? You ratded his cage, Iggy?
Tony I’m sorry but. This is. Oh, what’s the fucking point?
Mary I was just putting the spring onions in this when the face of Frankie appeared to me on me calendar. I’ve got this calendar with wellknown Jewish people on it. Nothing special, 50p in the jumble. Anyway, this month’s Vanessa Feltz. Only the face of Vanessa Feltz turned into Frankie and he said, ‘Give the flan to my old man.’ At first I thought he meant his dad. And then I realised.
Tony Well, take your pick. We’re both here. Unless there was someone else as well. Someone we don’t know about. It’s possible, I suppose.
Mary I ain’t never had an apparition before. You ever had one, darling?
Tony Mary, Iggy and I are talking.
Mary About Frankie? Oh, he don’t half miss him, Iggy, you know. You can’t blame him, babe, you can’t blame him. (To Tony.) Go nice with a baked potato. You’ve got chives somewhere here. You could bung a few o’them in, babe.
Tony Iggy misses him too, Mary.
Mary Do you? Why? Did you know my Frankie? Oh, thank God for that! I thought yous two was getting it on and that. And I don’t mean to be horrible, darling, but I thought it was a bit early, you know. I mean he ain’t even cold yet, darling. How did you know him, darling?
Iggy Oh, you know.
Tony No, she doesn’t, Iggy. Why don’t you tell her?
Iggy I knew him from Manchester.
Mary He went there a few times on business. Doing stuff for Trade. They done a few nights up there and they liked Frankie to go up and case the joints, you know. He was very well respected in clubland.
Tony He went there a lot on business. An
d managed to combine it with pleasure.
Mary Oh, we all like a bit of pleasure, darling. Don’t deny him a good time.
Tony And he was the good time that was had by all.
Iggy Fuck off.
Mary No need for swearing darling. Is there, Tony? Tell him, Tony. (To Iggy.) I don’t like your tone.
Tony Iggy and Frankie were …
Iggy I should go.
Tony Don’t you dare leave me now!
Mary Where are those chives, darling?
Tony Frankie was having an affair, Mary. Your flawless perfect son was having it away with Iggy.
Mary No. No.
Mary is kneeling down at the chives. She gets a pair of scissors out of her handbag and starts cutting some up.
Tony Tell her. She won’t believe me. But then you’ve never believed anything I’ve said, have you, Mary?
Mary Eh?
Iggy It was nothing special.
Mary Fucking load o’rubbish.
Tony It wasn’t that special? How fucking dare you say that?!
Mary stands up with a bundle of chives. She hands them to Tony.
Mary There you go. Is that right, Iggy? Was you seeing my Frankie an’all?
Iggy Casual.
Mary Nice lad, darling, wann’e?
Tony Fucking lovely! The best guy in the land!
Mary I don’t think Tony’s very happy about it.
Iggy (leaving) See you.
Mary grabs hold of him.
Mary I don’t think you’re going nowhere, darling. Give the bloke some respect if you were … having it away with his old man. The love of his fucking life, darling. Now I’m gonna let go of you and you’re gonna stay. You got that?
Iggy wrestles with her.
Mary Do I have to spell it out to you?
Iggy stands still. She lets go. He stays there.
Mary Sit down.
He sits.
Iggy You’re a fucking hard bitch, aren’t you? Frankie was right.
Mary Me? I’m soft as marge, darling.
Tony It’s got to have been serious! Don’t you understand? Cos if it wasn’t serious with you it wasn’t serious with me!
Mary This really needs to go in the fridge, Tony.
Tony Well, put it in the fucking fridge then!
He guides Mary and herflan quite forcefully inside.
Mary Don’t manhandle me, darling!
She is gone.
Iggy What d’you want me to say? That he was leaving you for me? He weren’t. That he slagged you off non-stop? He never. That I was the love of his life and you weren’t? That’s bollocks! But it weren’t just casual. I loved him and he loved me, just not as much as you. But I still loved him. And it broke me fucking heart knowing he’d gone. And I never said goodbye. And I never went the funeral. And I’d never seen his grave. And I never knew his mates. And they never knew me. What else d’you want me to say?
Out in the Open Page 7
