Tony I’m jealous. He was out having all the fun and I wasn’t. I was boring. I wanna stop being boring. I want to be all those things to you too. I want you to think. Yeah, Frankie was great. But Tony’s better. Cos deep down I know. He was a fucking wee shite. A fucking liar. And it’s so easy to lie. It’s fucking brave to be honest.
Tony is crying now. Kevin comes out.
Kevin Everything all right? Mary’s crying in there. Going on about some calendar.
Tony Fuck Mary. You were right all along about her, Kevin, she’s a fucking waste o’ space. Just like her son.
Pause.
Kevin (to Tony) What’s he said to you? What’s he told you?
Iggy I haven’t said a thing!
Kevin You’ve fucking told him, you bastard!
Tony Told me what?
Pause.
Told me what?
Iggy Tell him, go on.
Kevin What have you said?
Iggy I ain’t said out, mate. I didn’t need to.
Tony What you talking about?
Iggy See, you might think you’ve got good mates, Tony. But they knew all along.
Kevin I told you to get out. I knew you were trouble, you lying bastard!
Iggy Oh and you’re not? You fucking psycho!
Tony You knew?
Kevin Go on, get out! Get out before I knock you out.
Tony You stay there, Iggy. You knew?
Kevin Knew what?
Iggy He knew me the minute he clapped eyes on me. Why d’you think your mates have been so keen to get rid of me?
Tony sits down.
Tony You knew?
Kevin shrugs.
Tony I asked you. I asked you the night of the funeral. You told me not to be so stupid. You told me.Not to be stupid).You of all people!
Kevin We’d just buried your boyfriend, Tony. He died with his trousers round his ankles and you’re asking me ‘D’you think he made a habit of this?’ Oh yeah, I’m really gonna rub it in then.
Tony I don’t want your pity.
Kevin I didn’t know for sure.
Iggy Don’t lie!
Kevin Well, I knew he’d seen someone up North. I didn’t wanna know. It was Monica that got the details. Every time he mentioned Brett I just told him I weren’t interested. I didn’t want him messing you about. I told him to finish it.
Tony Monica?
Kevin (to Iggy) Look at all the trouble you’ve caused!
Tony Monica knows?
Kevin Oh, she got all the gory details.
Tony How long have you known?
Kevin Don’t be angry with me, Tony. Please. I hate meself, Tony. I do. Don’t be angry, with me, Tony. It ain’t fucking worth being angry over. He was a cunt. You’re right. I’m a cunt. You’re a cunt. We’re all cunts.
Tony Do you get some sort of perverse satisfaction out of seeing me suffer?
Kevin No. Course I don’t. How can you say that? I love you, Tony.
Tony Fuck off!
Tony headbutts Kevin. Kevin falls back. He sits there clutching his head.
Kevin I do!
Tony Why? Because I’m the only person who’ll put up with you?
Kevin No, because you’re my mate.
Tony I don’t need mates like you. Mates is about honesty. I can keep any fucking secret I want from a lover. But not from a mate.
Kevin Well, that’s a bizarre type of psychology. Don’t hit me!
Tony Take a look in the mirror darling. That’s bizarre fucking headwork. D’you know why I never told you or Monica? Cos I thought you’d be disappointed in him.
Kevin You knew?
Tony Course I fucking knew. I’m not stupid.
Kevin I wanted to tell you. But each day I never made it harder and harder.
Tony Don’t lie to me, Kevin.
Kevin Frankie said he was going to finish it. Frankie said it wasn’t worth hurting you over.
Tony Save your breath and get Monica.
Kevin I’m late for work.
Tony I said go and get her.
Kevin She’ll freak.
Tony I’m freaking, Kevin, just get her now!
Kevin Yeah. Yeah. I’m going, I’m going.
Kevin goes inside.
Tony I think maybe you should get out of the way, darling.
Iggy I don’t wanna leave you.
Pause.
Come to Manchester.
Tony I can’t think about that right now. Sorry.
Iggy I’ll be in the pub. Where we met. I’ll wait an hour. Then I’ll get off. I know it’s fucked up. But I like you. Let’s live dangerously.
Iggy picks up his bag and goes. Monica comes to the door, shitting herself. She has an A to Z in her hands and her bag.
Monica Listen, I’m going to have to make this really quick. Do you know how far Stanmore is?
Tony I know you were Frankie’s friend.
Monica Listen, Antonio Mc …
Tony Don’t call me that. I don’t like it. I’ve never liked it. But, ‘Oh no,’ said Frankie. ‘She thinks the world of you. Give her a go.’ And you? You used to spout all that bullshit about how good pals we were. Bollocks. I’ve been made a cunt of.
Monica I don’t like that word. Much.
Tony I don’t like you much. And d’you know why? Cos you’re a fraud. Frankie thought you were some sort of intellectual, who made him look clever. But Germaine Greer doesn’t work in a caff, does she?
Monica We’ve all got to start somewhere! And if anyone’s a cunt round here it’s Brett. Where is he?
Tony D’you know why you’ve never heard from Mamma Mia, Monica? Because you probably did their heads in. Like you probably did their heads in today. ‘Oh, I’m a lesbian, right.’ Like it’s going to impress them. Well, go and fucking lick someone out and stop pretending you’re my friend.
Monica That’s pretty offensive, Tony.
Tony I don’t give a fuck, you fat talentless bitch.
Monica I’m outta here.
Monica goes out. Kevin comes to the door.
Kevin Tony.
Monica marches back in again.
Monica Hang on a mo. Talentless? Talentless? You make it up as you go along, you do. If I was (Mimes inverted commas.) ‘talentless’, why did you ask me to sing at the funeral? That priest was in tears!
Tony He was probably shagging Frankie as well then.
Kevin You’re being silly now.
Monica (chuckles) A psychiatrist would have a field day with you.
Tony Ah, but I don’t see a psychiatrist, darling, you do. I’m pretty much together, thanks.
Monica Well, I think it’s pretty rich actually.
Tony What’s pretty rich?
Monica That you’re so angry with us. When you should really be angry with Frankie.
Tony Oh, don’t pass the buck, Monica.
Kevin Well, it’s not us that had the fucking affair. I didn’t jump on Brett the first time I seen him.
Tony Don’t call him that.
Kevin Why not? It’s his name!
Monica Because if you call him that it’s proof of what a hypocrite you are! You’ve met him, you like him, you’ve stuck your cock in his mouth and liked it, and you feel guilty. You feel bad. And so you’re taking it out on us. Fine, babe. Whatever. Where is he?
Tony If you weren’t a woman …
Monica I always knew you were a misogynist.
Tony Oh, don’t make me laugh. I don’t hate all women. I just hate you.
Monica Displacement!
Tony OK, I hated Frankie. Hated him not telling me. And I was jealous. But see I’ve had years to work through that one. And ever since Frankie died, all you’ve done is done my head in. I never told you about Frankie cos I was trying to protect him. And you. Christ knows why!
Monica I’ll tell you what you hate, Tony. You hate the fact that you fancy your boyfriend’s bit of trade. That’s all. And hey, it’s no big deal. You’ll get over it. I have. You’re gay. Be gay.
Live up to the stereotype, babe! Have no scruples! Doesn’t bother me!
Tony I can’t bear to fucking look at you two. No wonder you were both being so vile about Iggy yesterday. Got a weird aura, has he? Eyes too close together? You were just bloody well protecting yourselves. Encouraging me to get rid of him to ease your guilty consciences.
Monica Whatever!
She sits down and consults her A to Z. Kevin edges round and sits next to Tony and tries the softly-softly approach.
Kevin Don’t be pissed off with me, Tony, please. I never made Frankie have an affair.
Tony pushes him away.
Tony You fucking stink! You always fucking stink!
Kevin gets up, angrily.
Kevin I never made him go on and on and on about how fit Brett was. About all the funny quirky little things Brett said. About how much better in bed he was than you. How his stomach was tighter. How his … I didn’t say all those things, Frankie did!
Monica (looking up from her book) Yeah and what sort of friends would we have been if we’d repeated that to you?
Kevin You’re just embarrassed cos we know your little secret now.
Pause. Tony sits there and starts to laugh.
Tony I must have really fucked you all off, staying alive so long. I really thought you were genuinely happy for me, each time I came back from the clinic. How are the T-cells, Tony? Getting higher and higher. How’s your viral load, petal? Getting lower and lower. My HIV’s almost undetectable now. Oh fab. And really, your hearts must have been sinking.
Kevin Bollocks.
Monica God, you’re so self-obsessed!
Tony Well, I’m so sorry to have disappointed yous.
Monica Me me me me me! God, you do my fucking brain in, guy!
Kevin Why did you carry on seeing him when you knew full well who he was? And you reckon I’m fucked up?
Tony I don’t have to answer to anybody here. I’m not in the wrong.
Kevin No, Tony. You never are.
Monica Listen, can we continue this another time? I’m supposed to be in Stanmore. Colin and Vince beckon!
Tony Actually, no, let’s not continue this another time. In fact, let’s never continue anything ever again.
Monica Sorry?
Tony And one way you can do that, Monica, is by never darkening my garden again.
Monica Oh don’t be such a drama queen. I’ll give you a call tomorrow. You’ll be so over this by then.
She leans in and pecks him on the forehead. He pushes her away.
Tony You’re so thick-skinned, aren’t you? Nothing ever really affects you, does it?
Monica I’m incredibly sensitive actually. It’s one of my most endearing qualities. As you’d know if you ever bothered to find out. (Winks and clicks her teeth at Kevin.) Wish me luck!
She leaves. Kevin stands there. Tony looks at him.
Kevin Do you think I’m in love with you? Do you think I’m that sad?
Tony Why should I think that?
Kevin Cos I’m not.
Tony And the point of this is … ?
Kevin Everyone thinks I am.
Tony I wish you were.
Kevin What? Why?
Tony Maybe you’d have told me sooner.
Kevin I wish I fucking was. Then it would have made this simple. I would’t have been torn like I was.
Tony I don’t really care, Kevin. So save your breath.
Kevin I’m late for work.
Tony I think maybe you should investigate finding somewhere else to live.
Kevin Maybe if I did love someone I’d have a reason to stop drinking.
Tony Don’t do that on my account. It’s the only thing that makes you interesting.
Kevin I don’t want to move out.
Tony We all have to do things we don’t like, Kevin.
Kevin You don’t. You have your cake and eat it, you.
Tony Is that how you see me, Kevin? Mr Hedonism? Who gives a fuck what I do, or who I hurt as long as I’m OK? That’s not me. I think of the repercussions.
Kevin Then think of the repercussions of being with Brett.
Tony That’s nothing compared to the thought of being stuck with you and Monica for the rest of my life. At least I get something out of it.
Kevin We’ll talk later. I could get a video out. A bottle o’wine. I could get a gram of coke. We can talk. Or we’ll skip the wine. And the charlie. We can make this right, Tony. I know we can.
Tony I don’t want to.
Kevin Don’t say that.
Tony Why not? It’s the truth. And the truth hurts. Me and you. But I’ve got to be honest. I do not want to sit in having some girlie chat with you like Ally McfuckingBeal, chewing over the events of the last few years. I’m hurt, Kevin. I thought you were late for work.
Kevin I’ll see you later.
Tony Don’t count on it.
Kevin leaves. Tony sits there. He looks at his watch. He gives a big sigh. Mary appears at the French windows. She holds a spliff in one hand and a plate of flan and salad in the other.
Mary You still angry with me? I dunno what it is you think I’ve done.
He doesn’t respond.
You ain’t gonna shout at me again, are you?
He shakes his head. She comes out.
Mary Frankie used to shout a lot. I think I might have frustrated him. You feeling peckish? I cut you up a bit of flan.
Tony I’ve only just eaten.
Mary What did you have?
She puts it on the table. She sits with him and lights up her spliff.
Tony Roast chicken.
Mary Nice and moist?
Tony chuckles.
Mary Nothing worse than a dry bit o’chicken. That was one thing I never had to worry about with Frankie. I knew you was feeding him properly. It’s different when you’re on your own, innit? You don’t wanna make the effort. I always feel like I’m in a movie when I sit out here. You know, one o’them pictures where they’re all in Italy. And they play tennis. Write letters home. In the twenties, or Edwardian. No it’s lovely. She’s always in them, thingy. Short hair and big skirts. Emma whatsit, used to be married to ginger Irish bloke with no lips. Had a baby on the Internet.
Pause.
Mary Where’s little Iggy then?
Tony shrugs.
Mary Ah, has he done the dirty on you?
Tony No.
Mary Oh. Oh good. Nice-looking lad. Pleasant with it. There’s a lot to be said for manners. Ah. My Frankie had good taste in men, didn’t he, eh? I always said it. That bloke he was with before you. He was nice an’all. Gary.
Tony Gary’s inside for GBH, Mary.
Mary He was provoked though Tony.
Tony Cut the crap, Mary, eh?
Mary I’m only saying how my Frankie had good taste in men.
Tony smiles.
Mary I dunno why. He was no oil painting.
Tony laughs. She laughs too.
Mary Face like a bulldog chewing a wasp.
They laugh.
Oh, I shouldn’t be cruel. His old girl can’t have been no oil painting neither eh?
Tony Oh, she’s all right.
Mary D’you want some o’this? Oh, go on, I hate smoking it on me own.
Tony I didn’t think you had any.
Mary It’s yours darling. Hope you don’t mind. I was hoping Kev woulda seen Dodgy Rog, but what with it being so hot he’d taken his kids up Victoria Park. Well, you can’t blame him. Where is everyone?
Tony Kev’s gone to work. Mon’s gone to Stanmore. Iggy’s gone the pub. I’m going out of my mind.
Mary It’s a busy life, innit? I often envy that Kevin. That’s a lovely job, innit? Seeing all them pictures. I wouldn’t mind a job like that. He don’t drink at work, does he?
Tony Iggy’s waiting for me down the pub. Wants me to go up North with him.
Mary There’s a lot of crime up there. Guns. When my nice lady with the leg went up Manchester to see Daniel O’Donnell she had
her handbag slashed. Someone come at her with a pair o’scissors. All she had left were the straps. And her in a wheelchair. There’s something wrong there, int there, Tony? Int there though?
Tony I’m surprised the smell of her didn’t frighten them off.
Mary Well, it’s a tough place Manchester.
Pause.
Still. Frankie liked it.
Tony I’ve just been quite vile to Monica and Kevin.
Mary Oh well. Sometimes you can’t do right for doing wrong. I feel like that sometimes.
Tony I don’t know whether I was just waiting for an excuse to jib them.
Mary Ah, they’re nice people, Tony. You’re all nice people.
Tony I feel like I’ve shed a skin. I feel about three stone lighter. (Suddenly hearing what she said) I’m not a nice person.
Mary Oh, don’t say that, you’re one in a million, darling.
Tony I’m boring. I go to work. I sell expensive clothes to richer people than me. I come home. I potter in my garden. Have the odd drink. Take the odd tablet. See the same old boring people, day in, day out. I am, I’m boring.
Mary You wanna be grateful you’ve got that job. It’s a swanky shop, Harvey Nicks. Frankie bought me that makeover there.
Tony He never. I did. He’d completely forgot it was your birthday.
Mary I had a glass o’champagne in the bar. The girl who done me nails said my cuticles were amazing. I know what she meant to say. They were amazing for a woman like me. From my background. Cheeky cow.
Tony Iggy makes me feel exciting again.
Mary I said, ‘Don’t judge a book by its cover, darling. I was very nearly an opera singer.’ But like Frankie said. It’s a shop for posh people. That’s probably why you feel a bit funny, darling. Why you’re snapping and that. Working all day surrounded by snobs. Ain’t good for your psyche. Bound to get you down sooner or later.
Tony It’s time to move on, Mary.
Mary You should get a job at Marks. That’s a lovely shop. Their staff are always immaculate. If you worked up the Angel, you wouldn’t have to get up ‘til about half eight. Imagine that. Half eight! Life o’bleedin’ Riley.
Pause.
Tony It’s time to move on.
Mary You’re lucky. You can. You can get another boyfriend. I can’t get another son.
Out in the Open Page 8
