Love Never Dies

by Loren Lockner

  Julia didn’t remember the receiver dropping from her fingers as the tinny voice continued in that dreadful monotone. Julia didn’t know that she started to scream, the tones reverberating through her brother’s condominium and echoing down the hall. She had no idea that people stopped what they were doing in the complex to open their doors, peering out to try and distinguish from where the anguished cry originated. The screaming still hadn’t stopped when her mother arrived ten minutes later.

  Helen Morris scooped her daughter up from the tight fetal ball she’d adopted upon the floor, her knees clutched tightly within rigid arms as her screams methodically pierced the air with each breath. Helen frantically replaced the now dead receiver and called her husband, pleading for assistance while trying to soothe her hysterical daughter. Julia didn’t notice when her brother and father arrived, or recognize they’d called 911 in helpless despair. The screams kept on until a prick in her arm took away that last shrill outburst and she faded mercifully into unconsciousness.

  Chapter 6

  Over the next couple of days Paul and Angie noted Julia’s hands kept straying to her chest, plucking at the loose NYU sweatshirt of Seth’s she’d donned after coming to herself and refused to remove. They couldn’t know she kept pulling at it as if Seth’s blood drenched the front. Her heart throbbed in such acute agony that she believed Seth was trying to reclaim his soul so he could move on to the afterlife, but she couldn’t help him; her heart simply refusing to release that precious piece of him.

  At night, when she managed to doze with the help of medication, Julia dreamed she saw him floating above her like a cloud, begging her to return his soul, but even in her dreams she staunchly refused. Over that first week the details of the crash were gradually released to Julia’s grieving family. The fog-hampered road was treacherous, exhaust rendering the highway dangerously slick. The semi had slid across the center line and plunged headlong into Seth’s Jeep Grand Cherokee. His car had spun around twice before crashing into a concrete retaining wall as the truck continued barreling on its relentless path, colliding once more with the 4x4 and causing the Cherokee to burst into flames. It had taken the Highway Patrol and Fire Engines ten minutes to arrive, and by that time the Jeep had been reduced to blackened smoldering metal. Seth had been burned beyond recognition, his dental records required by the coroner to prove his identity.

  Jim and Helen Morris arranged everything as they tiptoed around their too-quiet daughter. The somber dignified funeral was a subdued affair as the silver-gilded casket, filled only with Seth’s ashes, was lowered into the ground in a cemetery not far from the First Congregational Church. Julia remained deathly silent, watching mutely as Reverend Jacobs gave a brief eulogy for a man who’d died too young. Lenny Glickstern, the owner of Seth’s firm, shook her pale hand and promised to take care of Seth’s insurance and papers and she remembered stating clearly that Seth had a brother and cousin, but didn’t know their names or addresses. Lenny shook his gray head as Julia watched Seth’s casket being lowered into the earth. She knew there was no peace for him; not as long as she was alive.

  She remembered reading Wuthering Heights in high school and recalled how Heathcliff had been doomed to wander the moors without his precious Cathy because she could not go on to her final destination without him, and Julia feared the same fate would be hers. Seth’s words regarding his own father’s demise replayed itself over and over in her mind and instinctively Julia knew Seth would never want her to do anything as foolhardy as take her own life.

  Of course, her family couldn’t know that, and no one ever left her alone for more than a couple minutes during those first few weeks after Seth’s death. If she lingered in the bathroom for too long, the bottled-up tears finally overwhelming her carefully frozen face, someone was immediately knocking at the door. Julia didn’t know her family checked on her each and every night, afraid of her overdosing with the tranquilizers her doctors had prescribed to help enable her to sleep; terrified she’d make a desperate attempt to rejoin her lover.

  But as the days gave way to weeks they relaxed somewhat, though she’d lost a full fifteen pounds and appeared pallid and unhealthy. Her principal, Connie Fernandez, had called in a long-term sub and told Julia she didn’t have to come back to work until she was ready, so Julia remained in the sheltering warmth of her parents’ home, doing little but trying to make it through each day. Her father sat with her in his overstuffed recliner each evening, just like they’d done when she was a little girl, and made a pretext of watching TV. He cuddled his little princess, wishing he could make her pain disappear; not realizing his unconditional love and patience was the best healing salve his daughter could get. And so Julia made no attempt to return to her apartment.

  Nearly three weeks after Seth’s death Paul asked her to help go through Seth’s belongings and Julia reluctantly agreed. She’d not returned to the condo since that fateful night.

  “He didn’t leave a will as far as I know,” said Paul quietly as they entered Seth’s room. “At least no one has contacted me, though Lenny Glickstern said he would look into it. He’s been wonderful about everything.”

  The computer sat on the table just as she remembered, and Julia winced at the lovely sketch quietly staring down at her from above Seth’s mosaic bedspread.

  She took in a deep fortifying breath. “I’m sure he’d want everything to be donated to charity,” she suggested bravely.

  The next few hours were torture. They quietly went through his clothing before folding it neatly and placing it inside large cardboard boxes. Hanging in Seth’s closet was an old denim jacket with wool lining that he’d worn on the weekends during the chilly and foggy Santa Barbara days, so instead of dropping it inside the box along with the other items, Julia placed it on the bedspread, determined to hang it in her closet in remembrance of him. His computer was to be donated to the architectural firm where Seth had worked for only six months since Lenny had expressed a desire to retrieve Seth’s ongoing projects. Julia removed a recent photo album, dominated by shots of her family, and placed it atop the jacket.

  Seth also had a few books; a worn out copy of The English Patient, a tattered and dog-eared edition of The Lord of the Rings, a collection of Bradbury’s short stories, and two beautiful children’s architectural books by David McCauley about Castles and Cities. They also joined the jacket and photo album. The beautiful sketch she’d given him for Christmas was the last item Julia took.

  “You can donate the rest to charity,” she said. “I don’t want it.”

  “But what about the stereo and everything else?”

  “The Catholic Church near here runs a children’s home and since Seth was Catholic, I’m sure they’ll especially appreciate the stereo and CD’s. As for the furniture, I think you should have it.”

  “I don’t feel right keeping his furniture.”

  “It was his donation to the house and it makes sense you should keep the lot unless a relative comes forth. I guess your choice is to sell the furniture and pocket the money or give it away. Why give it to somebody who probably wouldn’t treat it with the respect it deserves? Seth helped make this condominium a home Paul, so keep those things he shared with you; the pots and pans, the dishes, and the furniture. It seems only right. I’ve taken the few items I want.”

  “And his bedroom set?”

  Julia blanched. She had lain in that huge four-poster bed with Seth, sharing his body and his love. She’d dreamed about their future under its covers as he lay sleeping, his dark head crowding her pillow. There was no way she could ever use the bed again or enter this room as long as it remained in Paul’s condo.

  “Sell it and give the proceeds to the Catholic children’s home. Don’t keep it. Please.”

  Paul’s eyes turned suspiciously shiny. “I’ll place an ad in the paper right away. Is there anything else I can do Sis? Would you like to stay here with me for a while? In fact, why don’t both you and Angie move in? I have two spare bedrooms and Angi
e and I aren’t getting married until June.”

  “I couldn’t stay here,” said Julia truthfully. “Next week I’ll move back in with Angie. Hopefully by June I’ll feel better equipped to make it on my own, but for now I’m content to remain close to Mom and Dad.” She rested a hand on Paul’s lean arm. “There’s something I need to tell you Paul. You remember Seth’s story about soul mates?”

  “Yes,” said Paul, a frightened look darkening his emerald eyes.

  “You recall how his mother’s death from ovarian cancer propelled his father to kill himself?”

  “Yes,” whispered Paul, searching his twin’s pale thin face.

  “You need to know I’d never do that Paul. Seth wouldn’t have wanted me to end my life. He told me once that love never dies and I know that no matter what, through life and after death, Seth will always love me. I have to hold on to that Paul. I’m praying that maybe tomorrow or the next day, or the day after that, I’ll feel better. I’m not sure that I’ll ever really feel better, but am going to try and maintain hope that I will. I don’t want you, Angie, or Mom or Dad to be worried about me. And while each day I wonder how I’m going live without him, I know Seth would have felt that was the coward’s way out and I refuse to be a coward!”

  Her brother looked so relieved that Julia wanted to cry. She knew she hadn’t been totally honest with him, for in her heart Julia understood Seth’s father had killed himself because there’d been no other choice for him since half of his heart had been ripped out when his beloved Jenny had died. But as Julia stood in this too quiet room of Seth’s, it was as if she could feel his presence everywhere. He hovered above her like some kind of guardian angel and whispered loving words of encouragement into her ear. Julia could not allow herself to perish because she knew she still held a part of his soul deep inside her heart and for now that would have to be enough.

  Paul and Angie kept anxious watch over his sister, but outwardly, within a few weeks Julia seemed stable enough. She moved back in with Angie and threw herself back into her work, ignoring the well-meaning gestures of the concerned and forced condolences of the barely concerned. Julia made it through the days by plastering a professional mask upon her face and concentrating all of her attention upon her needy students. However, the nights were an entirely different matter.

  As soon as the sun set, gloom spread over her wounded heart. Angie and Paul usually ate dinner with her and helped clean up the dishes, their quiet voices keeping the darkness away. But later, cloaked in the confines of her lonely room, Julia faced a reality without Seth. She learned quickly to muffle her sobs and cry silently so Angie or her brother, or even occasionally her mother, who often dropped by to visit, would not check on her. Her quiet bouts with despair were hidden in the secretive shadows of her own domain. It was during one of these bitter crying jags that her heart burned so desperately Julia could scarcely catch her breath, her shaking hand massaging her chest in a desperate attempt to stave off what she believed was an impending heart attack. The frantic hand soothed and relaxed her heart until finally it eased its desperate constriction.

  Julia took to rubbing that spot above her heart each evening until eventually a strange belief regarding the alien piece of soul locked inside her breast overtook her. Seth was not at peace. Julia visualized him locked in some sort of hopeless limbo without a corporeal body and missing a complete soul. He’d lost his body in the dreadful combustion of his Jeep and had given half his soul to her and now was helpless to move on. There was no rest or peace for Seth’s wandering spirit as long as she lived.

  So, instead of contemplating an end to her life, Julia accepted the fact that some of his living soul remained within her. The soul does not die, as love never dies, and she gradually embraced the belief that Seth waited for her, trapped like some sort of phantom Cathy upon the moors of Yorkshire. She was a female Heathcliff, but unlike that famous character who’d made all around him miserable with his unrelenting cruelty, Julia embraced the thread of pure love Seth had extended toward her in life. He’d given himself unreservedly and completely and there had never been a moment of doubt regarding his devotion or fidelity. Julia was now positive he would patiently wait for her because that was all he could do.

  In her dreams his face pale, like some wraith, whispered strengthening endearments to her and begged her to not take the path his father had. Once, in the most precious of dreams, she saw him reclining in the purest of sleeps under the soft spread of a cedar tree, the scent of the bark permeating the air. He breathed softly and deeply, the rich luster of his black hair spread over the emerald grass, and she marveled at his male beauty and serenity. Julia floated down beside him, and nestling spoon style against his relaxed back, draped an arm over his sleeping frame and slept herself within the dream.

  Upon waking, Julia determined that every night would begin with that remembered image, of her resting beside her true love in sweet repose, her hand caressing the still-glowing spot of his soul surrounded by her softly beating heart. If she never loved again, the fact that she had loved him so completely was more than she’d ever hoped for or dreamed of. But oh, how her arms ached for his touch and sweet kiss and when, oh when, would her pillow stop becoming soaked with her hot tears? And, in profound moments of helpless weakness, Julia wept for the children they’d never have, the silver hair on his head she’d never caress, and for the life she’d never lead.

  It was the students who were her salvation. Their reactions the first day Julia walked back into the classroom to once again take over her duties from the highly efficient substitute was enough to keep her going through the next few months. They threw themselves into her arms, laughing and crying at the same time, and so Julia worked hard with them, listening to their little cares and woes, helping them curve their fingers to hold a pencil often too big for them, and preparing them to move on to the next big step of grade three. And when she returned home each night her little puppy Mira, who grew by leaps and bounds, would jump onto her lap to give her an affectionate lick, her fur turning the silver of Seth’s eyes.

  Angie and Paul set their wedding date for the following September after Labor Day and Julia, who knew they’d originally planned to marry in June, blessed them quietly for their consideration, ensuring she wouldn’t have to survive a summer without work or a roommate. Her parents remained as strong and steadfast as they had always been, never pushing her to recover faster than her heart would bear.

  One late afternoon, Paul stopped by the two bedroom apartment on his way home from work.

  “I need to talk to you about something,” he said quietly, and Julia led him into a bedroom so painfully neat Paul winced. “Um, when I was going through the remainder of Seth’s clothing, I found this behind his chest-of-drawers. I think it slipped down the back somehow. Anyway, I think maybe, well… he had planned to give it to you. I’ve kept it for a while and after speaking to Mom and Dad, determined Seth would want you to have it; so here it is.”

  He held out a small red velvet case and Julia took it, knowing instantly what it was. Yet, when she opened it, she still gave an uncontrollable gasp; half in appreciation and half in despair.

  The wedding set was absolutely splendid. A deep channel-set engagement ring was highlighted by a beautiful one carat diamond glittering in a deep golden groove, surrounded by a circular band of deep-set diamonds. The matching wedding band, whose bright diamonds nestled in a thick channel of 18 carat gold, glimmered in the light.

  “Seth always had great taste didn’t he?” she said shakily. “Today’s Valentine’s Day isn’t it? You remember the night you proposed to Angie?”

  “Yes,” answered her brother slowly, straightening his shoulders and peering worriedly down at her from his six-foot height.

  “You planned to propose to her on Valentine’s Day but were so impatient you couldn’t wait until then. Seth mentioned Valentine’s was a great time for doing something like that and I knew then this was the day he meant to propose. And here you a
re handing his engagement ring to me. Somehow, I feel that’s what he would have wanted. Thank you Paul for giving them to me.”

  “Why don’t you come out with Angie and me tonight? I don’t think it’s a good evening for you to be home alone.”

  “I’ll be just fine Paul. I promised Mom and Dad I’d share a glass of wine with them, and then I need to do something I should have done a while ago.” She patted his hand. “You’re not to worry; remember what I said a few weeks ago. Have a lovely dinner with your sweetheart. She deserves it. It’s been a trying time for her as well and she’s spent so much time being strong for me that Angie’s been rather neglected. I hope you can make up for some of that neglect tonight.”

  “I’ll do just that,” promised Paul, giving her a heartfelt hug. “Oh, I almost forgot. There was one other item behind the drawer, along with the box.” He handed her a plain white envelope the size of a postcard.

  “It’s just a little drawing. Maybe because Seth was an architect he sketched a logo or something for someone. See you later Julia.” He leaned over and kissed her tenderly on the cheek before enfolding her in another warm embrace.

  “You’re the best brother Paul and I mean it. Now go show your girl a good time,” urged Julia, placing the velvet box and envelope upon the top of her dresser. “I’ve got to run over to Mom and Dad’s; I promised them I’d be there by six. I’ll talk to you tomorrow then and it’s perfectly alright if I don’t see Angie again tonight.” Her brother gave her a wicked wink and departed.

  Later, when Julia arrived home at 9:30, she moved to the closet where she had stashed the sketch. She resolutely grabbed a hammer, and placing a single nail to the left-hand side of her bed, mounted the special painting of Seth and her. Julia sat gazing at the sketch, remembering how Seth’s lips had curved into that loving gentle smile. It was a long time before she rose and removed the single white sheet of paper from its envelope.