It chills Antonia through and through to see Mr. Frye on the front porch, so obviously in love it seems he’s placed his pride and his self-respect on the concrete for anyone to trample. Antonia finds this display of devotion extremely disgusting, she really does. When she walks past him, on her way to work, she doesn’t even bother to say hello. Her veins are filled with ice water instead of blood. Lately Antonia doesn’t bother with carefully choosing her clothes. She doesn’t brush her hair a thousand times at night, or pluck her eyebrows, or bathe with sesame oil so her skin will stay smooth. In a world without love, what is the point of any of that? She broke her mirror and put away her high-heeled sandals. From now on she will concentrate on working as many hours as she can at the ice cream parlor. At least things are tangible there: You put in your time and pick up your paycheck. No expectations and no let-downs, and right now that’s what Antonia wants.
“Are you having a nervous breakdown?” Scott Morrison asks when he sees her at the ice cream parlor later that night.
Scott is home from Harvard for summer vacation and is delivering chocolate syrup and marshmallow topping, as well as sprinkles and maraschino cherries and wet walnuts. He’d been the smartest boy ever to graduate from their high school, and the only one to ever be accepted at Harvard. But so what? All the time he was growing up in this neighborhood, he was so smart that no one talked to him, least of all Antonia, who considered him to be a pitiful drip.
Antonia has been methodically cleaning the ice cream scoopers, which she’s lined up all in a row. She hasn’t even bothered to glance at Scott while he delivered buckets of syrup. She certainly seems different from the way she used to be—she was beautiful and snooty, but tonight she looks like something that’s been left out in a storm. When he asks her the completely innocent question about the nervous breakdown, Antonia bursts into tears. She dissolves into them. She is nothing but water. She lets herself slip to the floor, her back against the freezer. Scott leaves his metal dolly and comes to kneel beside her.
“A simple yes or no would have been just fine,” he says.
Antonia blows her nose on her white apron. “Yes.”
“I can see that,” Scott tells her. “You’re definitely psychiatric material.”
“I thought I was in love with someone,” Antonia explains. Tears continue to leak from her eyes.
“Love,” Scott says with contempt. He shakes his head, disgusted. “Love is worth the sum of itself, and nothing more.”
Antonia stops crying and looks at him. “Exactly,” she agrees.
At Harvard, Scott had been shocked to find out that there were hundreds, if not thousands, of people as smart as he was. He’d been getting away with murder for years, using a tenth of his brain power, and now he actually had to work. He’d been so busy competing all year he hadn’t had time for daily life—he’d repudiated things like breakfast and haircuts, the consequences of which are that he’s lost twenty pounds and has shoulder-length hair, which his boss makes him tie back with a piece of leather so he doesn’t offend the customers.
Antonia stares at him, hard, and discovers that Scott looks completely different and exactly the same. Out in the parking lot, Scott’s summer partner, who’s been driving this delivery route for twenty years and has never before had an assistant who received a 790 on his verbal SATs, leans on the horn.
“Work,” Scott says ruefully. “Hell with a paycheck.”
That does it. Antonia follows him when he goes to collect his metal dolly. Her face feels hot, even though the air conditioner is switched on.
“See you next week,” Scott says. “You’re low on hot fudge.”
“You could come in before that,” Antonia tells him. There are some things she hasn’t forgotten, in spite of her depression and this mess with her aunt Gillian and Mr. Frye.
“I could,” Scott agrees, realizing, before he heads for the truck, that Antonia Owens is much deeper than he would have ever imagined.
That night Antonia runs all the way home after work. She is suddenly filled with energy; she’s absolutely charged. When she turns the corner onto her street she can smell the lilacs, and the odor makes her laugh at the silly reactions caused by some ridiculous out-of-season blooms. Most people in the neighborhood have gotten used to the incredible size of the flowers. They no longer notice that there are whole hours of the day when the entire street echoes with the sound of buzzing bees and the light turns especially purple and sweet. Yet some people return again and again. There are women who stand on the sidewalk and weep at the sight of the lilacs for no reason at all, and still others who have plenty of reasons to cry out loud, although none they’d admit to if questioned.
A hot wind is threading through the trees, shaking the branches, and heat lightning has begun to appear in the east. It’s a curious night, so hot and so heavy it seems better suited to the tropics, but despite the weather Antonia sees that two women, one whose hair is white and the other who is not much more than a girl, have come to see the lilacs. As Antonia hurries past, she can hear weeping, and she quickens her pace, goes inside, then locks the door behind her.
“Pathetic,” Antonia decrees as she and Kylie peer out the front window to watch the women on the sidewalk cry.
Kylie has been more withdrawn than usual since her birthday supper. She misses Gideon; she has to force herself not to break down and phone him. She feels terrible, but, if anything, she’s become even more beautiful. Her cropped blond hair is no longer as shocking. She has stopped slouching to hide how tall she is, and now that she’s claimed her full posture, her chin usually tilts up, so that she seems to be considering the blue sky or the cracks in the living room ceiling. She squints her gray-green eyes to see through the glass. She has a particular interest in these two women, since they’ve come to stand on the sidewalk each night for weeks. The older woman has a white aura around her, as though snow were falling above her alone. The girl, who is her granddaughter and who has just graduated from college, has little pink sparks of confusion rising off her skin. They are here to weep for the same man—the older woman’s son, the girl’s father—someone who went from boyhood to manhood without ever changing his attitude, convinced till the last that the universe revolved around him alone. The women on the sidewalk spoiled him, both of them, then blamed themselves when he was careless enough to kill himself in a motorboat in Long Island Sound. Now, they’re drawn to the lilacs because the flowers remind them of a June night, years ago, when the girl was still tender and awkward and the woman still had thick black hair.
On that night there was a pitcher of sangria on the table, and the lilacs in the grandmother’s yard were all in bloom, and the man they both loved, so dearly that they ruined him, took his daughter in his arms and danced with her on the grass. At that moment, beneath the lilacs and the clear sky, he was everything he could have been, if they hadn’t given in to him night and day, if they had once suggested that he get a job or act with kindness or think about someone other than himself. They’re crying for all he might have been, and all they might have been in his presence and by his side. Watching them, sensing that they’ve lost what they had for only a brief time, Kylie cries right along with them.
“Oh, please,” Antonia says.
Since her encounter with Scott, she can’t help but feel a little smug. Unrequited love is so boring. Weeping under a blue-black sky is for suckers or maniacs.
“Will you get real?” she advises her sister. “They’re two total strangers who are probably complete nut cases. Ignore them. Pull the window shade down. Grow up.”
But that is exactly what has happened to Kylie. She’s grown up to discover that she knows and feels too much. No matter where she goes—to the market on an errand, or the town pool for an afternoon swim—she is confronted with people’s innermost emotions, which seep from their skins to billow out and float above them, like clouds. Just yesterday, Kylie passed an old woman walking her ancient poodle, which was crippled by arthritis and could barely move. This woman
’s grief was so overpowering—she would take the dog to the animal hospital by the end of the week to put it out of its misery—that Kylie found she could not take another step. She sat down on the curb and she stayed there until dusk, and when she finally walked home she felt dizzy and weak.
She wishes that she could go out and play soccer with Gideon and not feel other people’s pain. She wishes that she were twelve years old again, and that men didn’t shout out their car windows whenever she walks along the Turnpike about how much they’d like to fuck her. She wishes she had a sister who acted like a human being, and an aunt who didn’t cry herself to sleep so often that her pillow has to be wrung out each morning.
Most of all, Kylie wishes that the man in their backyard would go away. He’s out there right now, as Antonia heads for the kitchen, humming, to fetch herself a snack. Kylie can see him from the window that allows a view of both the front and the side yards. Bad weather never affects him; if anything, he relishes black skies and wind. The rain doesn’t bother him in the least. It seems to go right through him, with each drop turning a luminous blue. His polished boots have just the slightest film of dirt. His white shirt looks starched and pressed. All the same, he’s been making a mess of things. Every time he breathes, horrible things come out of his mouth: Little green frogs. Drops of blood. Chocolates wrapped in pretty foil, but with poisonous centers that give off a foul odor each time he breaks one in half. He’s wrecking things just by snapping his fingers. He’s making things fall apart. Inside the walls, the pipes are rusting. The tile floor in the basement is turning to dust. The coils of the refrigerator have been twisted, and nothing will stay fresh; the eggs are spoiling inside their shells, the cheeses have all turned green.
This man in the garden has no aura of his own, but he often reaches to dip his hands into the purple-red shadow above him, then smears the aura of the lilacs all over himself. No one but Kylie can see him, but he’s still able to call all these women out of their houses. He’s the one who whispers to them late at night while they’re sleeping in their beds. Baby, he says, even to the ones who never thought they’d hear a man talk to them this way again. He gets inside a woman’s mind, and he stays there, until she finds herself crying on the sidewalk, crazy for the scent of lilacs, and even then he’s not going anywhere. At least not anytime soon. He’s definitely not through.
Kylie has been watching him ever since her birthday. She understands that no one else can see him, although the birds sense him and avoid the lilacs, and the squirrels stop dead in their tracks whenever they get too close. Bees, on the other hand, have no fear of him. They seem attracted to him; they hover near, and anyone who came too close to him would surely risk a sting, maybe even two. The man in the garden is easier to see on rainy days, or late at night, when he appears out of thin air like a star you’ve been staring at but only now see, right in the center of the sky. He doesn’t eat or sleep or drink, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t things he wants. His wanting is so strong Kylie can feel it, like bands of electricity shaking up the air around him. Just recently, he has taken to staring back at her. She gets terrified whenever he does this. She gets cold right through her skin. He’s doing it more and more, staring and staring. It doesn’t matter where she is, behind the kitchen window or on the path to the back door. He can watch her twenty-four hours a day if he likes, since he never has to blink—not even for a second, not anymore.
Kylie has begun to set dishes of salt on the windowsills. She sprinkles rosemary outside all the doors. Still, he manages to get into the house when everyone’s asleep. Kylie stays up after everyone else is in bed, but she can’t stay awake forever, although it’s not for lack of trying. Often she falls asleep while she’s still dressed in her clothes, a book open beside her, the overhead light kept on, since her aunt Gillian, who’s still sharing her room, refuses to sleep in the dark and has lately insisted that the windows be closed tight as well, even on sweltering nights, to keep out the scent of those lilacs.
Some nights everyone in the house has a bad dream at the very same instant. Other nights they all sleep so deeply their alarm clocks can’t get them out of bed. Either way, Kylie always knows he’s been close by when she wakes to find that Gillian is crying in her sleep. She knows when she goes down the hall to the bathroom and sees that the toilet is clogged and when it’s flushed the body of a dead bird or a bat rises up in the water. There are slugs in the garden, and waterbugs in the cellar, and mice have begun to nest in a pair of Gillian’s high heels, the black patent leather ones she bought in L.A. Look into a mirror and the image starts to shift. Pass by a window and the glass will rattle. It’s the man in the garden who’s responsible when the morning begins with a curse muttered under someone’s breath, or a toe stubbed, or a favorite dress torn so methodically you’d think someone had sliced through the fabric with a pair of scissors or a hunting knife.
On this morning, the bad fortune rising from the garden is particularly nasty. Not only has Sally discovered the diamond earrings she was given on her wedding day tucked into Gillian’s jacket pocket, but Gillian found her paycheck from the Hamburger Shack torn into a thousand pieces, spread across the lace doily on the coffee table.
The silence Sally and Gillian mutually agreed upon at Kylie’s birthday dinner, when they snapped their mouths shut in fury and despair, is now over. During these days of silence, both sisters have had migraine headaches. They’ve had sour expressions and puffy eyes, and both have lost weight, since they now bypass breakfast so they won’t have to face one another first thing. But two sisters cannot live in the same house and ignore each other for long. Sooner or later they will break down and have the fight they should have had at the start. Helplessness and anger make for predictable behavior: Children are certain to shove each other and pull hair, teenagers will call each other names and cry, and grown women who are sisters will say words so cruel that each syllable will take on the form of a snake, although such a snake often circles in on itself to eat its own tail once the words are said aloud.
“You dishonest piece of garbage,” Sally says to her sister, who has stumbled into the kitchen in search of coffee.
“Oh, yeah?” Gillian says. She’s more than ready for this fight. She’s got the torn paycheck in the palm of her hand, and now she lets it fall to the floor, like confetti. “Deep down, under all that goody-goody stuff, is a grade-A bitch.”
“That’s it,” Sally says. “I want you out. I’ve wanted you out from the moment you arrived. I never asked you to stay. I never invited you. You take whatever you want, just the way you always have.”
“I’m desperate to go. I’m counting the seconds. But it would be faster if you didn’t tear up my checks.”
“Listen,” Sally says. “If you need to steal my earrings to pay for your departure, well, then good. Fine.” She opens her fist and the diamonds fall onto the kitchen table. “Just don’t think you’re fooling me.”
“Why the hell would I want them?” Gillian says. “How stupid can you be? The aunts gave you those earrings because no one else would ever wear such horrible things.”
“Fuck you,” Sally says. She tosses the words off, easy as butter in her mouth, but in fact she doesn’t think she’s ever cursed out loud in her own house before.
“Fuck you twice,” Gillian says. “You need it more.”
That’s when Kylie comes down from her bedroom. Her face is pale and her hair is sticking straight up. If Gillian stood before a mirror that was stretched to present someone younger and taller and more beautiful, she’d be looking at Kylie. When you’re thirty-six and you’re confronted with this, so very early in the morning, your mouth can suddenly feel parched, your skin can feel prickly and worn out, no matter how much moisturizer you’ve been using.
“You have to stop fighting.” Kylie’s voice is matter-of-fact, and much deeper than that of most girls her age. She used to think about scoring goals and being too tall; now she’s thinking about life and death and men you’d be
tter not dare to turn your back on.
“Says who?” Gillian counters haughtily, having decided, perhaps a little too late, that it might actually be best if Kylie were to remain a child, at least for another few years.
“This is none of your business,” Sally tells her daughter.
“Don’t you understand? You make him happy when you fight. It’s just what he wants.”
Sally and Gillian immediately shut up. They exchange a worried look. The kitchen window has been left open all night, and the curtain flaps back and forth, drenched from last night’s downpour.
“Who are you talking about?” Sally asks in a calm and steady tone, as though she were not speaking with someone who might have just flipped her lid.
“The man under the lilacs,” Kylie says.
Gillian nudges Sally with her bare foot. She doesn’t like the sound of this. Plus, Kylie’s got a funny look about her, as if she’s seen something, and she’s not telling, and they’re just going to have to play this guessing game with her until they get it right.
“This man who wants us to fight—is he someone bad?” Sally asks.
Kylie snorts, then takes out the coffeepot and a filter. “He’s vile,” she says—a vocabulary word from last semester that she’s putting to good use for the very first time.
Gillian turns to Sally. “Sounds like someone we know.”
Sally doesn’t bother to remind her sister that only Gillian knows this man. She’s the one who dragged him into their lives simply because she had nowhere else to go. Sally can’t begin to guess how far her sister’s bad judgment will go. Since she’s been sharing a room with Kylie, who knows what she’s confided?
“You told her about Jimmy, didn’t you?” Sally’s skin feels much too hot; before long her face will be flushed and red, her throat will be dry with fury. “You just couldn’t keep your mouth shut.”
“Thanks a lot for trusting me.” Gillian is really insulted. “For your information, I didn’t tell her anything. Not a word,” Gillian insists, although at this moment she’s not sure. She can’t be angered by Sally’s suspicions, because she doesn’t even trust herself. Maybe she’s been talking in her sleep, maybe she’s been telling all while in the very next bed Kylie listens to every word.
Practical Magic Page 12
