End Note

by Sonya Loveday

  My arms shot out, splaying against the wall, caging her in. I pushed my body against hers, and she had nowhere to go as I gave my thoughts over to her. “I don’t know what this is, Murphy, but I swear to you, you have me in fucking knots. I want you more than I’ve ever wanted anyone. I can’t let you walk out of here thinking this is just a fling. Thinking I only want to use you.”

  My breaths quickened with the need to pull her away from the door. To make her understand something I didn’t even understand. “I won’t let you walk out of here without knowing it.”

  She turned, forcing herself against the door. “And then what, Jared? What happens when I’m not enough?”

  “I don’t know how that would ever be possible.” Slamming my lips down on hers, I didn’t give her time to come up with an argument.

  She kissed me back with a hunger neither one of us could contain. She was like fire, scorching me. So beautiful, so hot, that it threatened to consume us both. I pulled her against me, and she came willingly.

  I staggered when she pulled herself free, wiping her lips with the back of her hand. “And what happens when the fire we create explodes?”

  I knew what she meant, but the selfish part of me didn’t want to fight with her. “Then we burn together.”

  She launched herself at me, and I stumbled with her in my arms until we fell on the bed. I rolled over, trapping her underneath me, cupping the side of her face in my hand. “Murphy, I’ll take a million days with you than one single day without you.”

  I brushed away a tear that escaped the corner of her eye, rubbing the salty silkiness between my fingers as her arm wrapped around me. She buried her head in my neck.

  I felt like the biggest asshole alive. I’d wanted her hot and beyond reason, ready to take me inside of her. Instead, I’d made her cry. I rolled over onto my back, bringing her with me, holding her to my chest. “I’m sorry, Murphy. Please don’t cry.”

  She tucked herself against me, laying her head on my chest as she sobbed. I had no idea what to say to her—no idea what would make her feel better. So I just held her and let her cry until she wiped her eyes and pushed herself off me.

  I sat up, watching her make her way to the bathroom. When the door closed, I slammed my hands on my legs, feeling like a complete jerk.

  When she stepped out of the bathroom, I shot to my feet and waited for her to come to me. She stopped just shy of my reach. “Are you okay?”

  She took a deep breath and released it before she looked me in the eye. “I’m fine.” Her eyes darted down. She was lying.

  “Murphy, can you just be honest this time? No lies. I need to know what I did wrong so that I won’t ever do it again. ’Cause that… you crying… I don’t even know how to explain to you what that did to me, but I know I never want it to happen again.”

  “You didn’t do anything wrong, Jared.”

  “Then why did you cry?”

  She crossed her arms, looking away. “I’m not ready to talk about it right now.”

  She was shutting me out. “Don’t do that. Please, talk to me.”

  Her teeth sank into her lip, and her eyes pooled with tears. “I’m scared, Jared.”

  My heart plummeted to my feet like an anchor.

  My hand went to my chest, rubbing against the soreness that bloomed there as I whispered between us, “Of me?”

  Her eyes snapped to mine. “I’m scared of what you make me feel.”

  Time stopped. I blinked. Took a breath. Released it. “What are you saying, Murphy?”

  She shook her head.

  My arms vibrated with the need to hold her against me.

  “It can’t be that bad, can it?”

  “No and yes, it’s… complicated.”

  “I’m the most complicated guy I know. Lay it on me. We’ll work through it together.”

  She shifted, unease clearly written on her face as she nibbled on her bottom lip. “I’ve fallen in love with you. There I said it,” she said as she tossed her hands in the air, “and I don’t know what the hell to do about it.” Her hands dropped to her side as she paced. “I mean, I can’t even think straight when you’re close to me. You’ve upended my entire worl—”

  Grabbing her wrist as she passed by me, I wrapped my arms around her. I kissed her with every ounce of everything I had inside of me. I kissed her until we both gasped with the need to breathe.

  I fought to bring myself under control. Our breaths pushing against each other, I tipped her head back to look down into her eyes. “Murphy—”

  “Food’s here,” Oliver hollered as he banged on the outside of the bedroom door.

  The moment splintered as we jumped apart, and I wished I could call it back. The feel of Murphy trembling in my arms. The way she’d said she’d fallen in love with me made me feel so full that I could burst at the seams. Was that how she felt? Was that love? I’d never experienced it before, although I’d seen plenty of it. Ace and Riley had danced around each other for years until graduation. I remembered how they gravitated towards each other for so long before they acknowledged how they felt. It was like watching them stumble around in the dark and then collide when the light came on.

  It felt like that with Murphy. Like we’d collided… and there wasn’t anything that could keep me from her. She filled me with longing and need, but more than that, I couldn’t imagine my days without her. No matter where life took me, I wanted her there by my side. If that wasn’t love… what was it?

  The sound of the bedroom door opening snapped me out of my thoughts.

  “You ready to eat?” she asked.

  No. “Sure.”

  MURPHY ATE QUICKLY AND FAKED a yawn before disappearing back down the hall. A wrapper bounced off my head, and I turned to see Licks hurling another one at me.

  “I’ve called your name twice now,” he grumbled from his spot on the floor.

  “Sorry. What’s up?”

  “We were just saying that we need to find a place to hole up for a while to work on our debut album,” Licks said, leaning forward to snatch another taco out of the bag on the table.

  I immediately thought of the cabin at home. There’d be enough room for all of us to stay there. “I have a place in Opp.”

  “Nice, but how will that work? We can’t have any outside distractions or we’ll never get enough material for… for, what the hell are we gonna call ourselves?” Licks unwrapped his taco and took a huge bite as he looked to all of us.

  Band names were tossed around. Lars kept track of the ones we didn’t shoot down in a notebook. Oliver watched on from the other side of the room for a while and then walked over. Sitting down on the arm of the couch, he said, “Northern Plan.”

  We all stared at him.

  “Northern Plan…” Retro repeated it, tapping his fingers to his lips. “I kinda like it, and it sort of has meaning too. I mean, here we are, the farthest north we’ve ever been, planning how to start over again. What do you guys think?”

  Lars spoke up first. “I like it too. And you’re right; it does at least mean something to us. It’s not just some random name we jotted in a notebook.”

  Licks fired a balled-up wrapper at Oliver. “You’re fuckin’ brilliant, bro!”

  Oliver caught it midair and smirked. “I know.”

  “What do you think, Jared?” Lars asked.

  “It’s blasphemy! I’m a southern boy.” I laughed when they cursed at me. “I’m kidding, I’m kidding. I like it, too.”

  “Now that that’s settled,” Licks shoved himself up from the floor with a smirk and pointed at Oliver, “order us some shirts!”

  “Order your own damn shirts,” Oliver said, laughing as he stood up and walked to the elevator. “I’m busy!”

  Licks waited until the elevator doors closed. “I bet he’s going to go make our shirts in a secret lab hidden in this massive-ass building.”

  Retro snorted as he picked up a stack of wrappers and crumpled them. “You’re an idiot.”

  Lic
ks grabbed another taco and waved it at Retro. “We’ll see who’s an idiot when I have a shirt and you don’t.”

  Retro rolled his eyes and walked away.

  “Where are you going?” Licks asked, garbling his words with a mouth full of food.

  “We came up with a band name. We’ve played a concert and eaten. I’m full, tired, out of ideas, and ready for bed. Goodnight.”

  Licks saluted him with his taco. “Night!”

  Lars pushed himself up from the couch. “I’m calling it a night too. See you guys in the morning.”

  I put the remaining tacos in one box and gathered up the rest of the trash. Licks devoured one more and then put the leftovers in the fridge. “See ya in the morning,” he called over his shoulder.

  I dumped the trash and shut off the lights, making my way over to the window. The view was beautiful, but not as beautiful as the girl walking up behind me. Murphy put her chin on my shoulder and her arms around my waist. We stood like that for a minute, both of us looking out over the Chicago skyline, which was dotted with hundreds of lights. She hugged me for a moment and then stepped back.

  “I came out to see why it’s so quiet. I thought maybe you guys had left,” she said.

  “Nah, they’re in their rooms. I was just admiring the view for a minute.”

  Murphy looked past me, out of the window. “It’s beautiful.”

  The moonlight shimmered on Murphy’s hair, making me wish we had the penthouse to ourselves so that I could lay her down and watch her hair fan out across the carpeting. See the moonlight illuminate her bare skin.

  Catching her hand in mine, I brought her palm up and placed a kiss in the center. “You make me want so many things, Murphy,” I whispered against her skin. “How did you take over every part of me so completely?”

  She put her hand on my chest. “It’s scary, right?”

  I nodded, not knowing what else to say. Searching for the right words sometimes wasn’t necessary because there was no right word for what I felt. All I knew was that it had taken over and completed me. It spread through my veins, shutting down my mind, until the only thing left was my sense of touch. The feel of my hand as it slid along Murphy’s skin. The feel of my lips, brushing against the lips of the girl who’d stolen my heart.

  Her hand slipped into mine and, together, we made our way down the hall. The bedroom door closed softly, the lock clicked in place by my own hand, and I walked her backwards, watching her watch me.

  There was no mistaking it. I’d fallen in love with her. I thought she could see it in my eyes, even in the shadowed darkness of the room. Maybe it was the telltale hitch of my breath when I cupped her face and brought her closer. Close enough to kiss, but I held back so she could hear the words that made my heart race just thinking them.

  “I love you, Murphy.” I said it as a sigh that ended in a soft kiss.

  Her hands fisted in my shirt, forcing me to steady both of us under the weight of my admission.

  I meant them. I meant them unlike anything I’d ever said before.

  My hands found the bottom of her shirt. I lifted it up over her head, dropping it to the floor.

  MORNINGS WOULD BE A WHOLE lot easier to wake up to if they all started out with Murphy curled against me. We would, however, have to talk about her being a blanket hog. Had I not woken up shivering, I’d have stayed snug against her and slept the day away. That was not the case. Murphy had managed to roll herself up in the comforter like it was a cocoon, leaving me with only a corner of the thin sheet to keep warm.

  Careful not to wake her, I slipped out of bed and got dressed. Coffee was a must, but not to wake up—to warm up. The bedroom felt like the Antarctic. The only thing missing were penguins. My mind skipped back over something I’d heard in Biology once about penguins. They mated for life. Scrubbing my hands against my face, I shook my head, wondering where the hell that thought had come from, and slipped out of the bedroom door. My brain was obviously caffeine deprived if that was the course it had set sail on.

  Oliver sat at the counter with a cup of coffee and a folder. When he noticed me, he closed the folder, slipping it into a bag sitting in the chair next to him. “Morning. You’re up early.”

  I lifted my hand with a grumble and sought out the coffee pot.

  Goose bumps broke out over my arms when I wrapped my hands around the steaming hot cup and took my first sip.

  “Is something wrong with the air conditioning?” I asked, shivering as a fresh round of raised flesh broke out over my arms.

  He looked over the rim of his coffee cup. “Not that I’m aware of. Why?”

  “It’s cold in here,” I replied, giving him a dirty look. How could he not be cold?

  Oliver shrugged and took a drink from his cup. The elevator dinged, and both of our heads swiveled to see who had arrived.

  My mom stepped off the elevator wearing a sweatshirt. “Aren’t you two cold?” she asked, rubbing her arms to chase off the chill.

  I smirked at Oliver. “Told ya.”

  He snorted, rolling his eyes and setting the coffee cup down.

  Mom’s footsteps were brisk as she walked up to me and took my coffee from my hands.

  “Hey, there’s a whole pot back there. Don’t steal mine.”

  She drank it anyway and handed back the empty mug. “I don’t have time for a whole cup. I just came to let you know that engineering is working on the air conditioning after we had a prototype failure.”

  “A prototype for what? Mimicking sub-arctic temperatures in a singular location?”

  My mom ignored me with a shake of her head. “Oliver, I’ve secured the house we talked about. Their equipment has been crated and will be loaded on the plane in a half hour. Their flight time got bumped up and leaves in two hours. Let me know once you’ve landed.”

  “Wait a minute. Whose flight and what equipment?” Why did she make it sound like some sort of covert military mission. “Do you mean us? Are we all set to head back to Opp?” The thought of being back home in a few hours excited me.

  “No, Jared. I know you told the guys you could stay at the cabin, but that’s not an option right now.”

  I went from excitement to anger in the space of two heartbeats. “Why?”

  “Your dad and I have guests at the cabin, and they’ll be staying there for a few months. In the meantime, you and your band mates will be flown to one of the vacations houses Cole Enterprise owns in the Poconos. It’s quite beautiful there, and you’ll have plenty of room for everyone. Plus, you’ll have the entire basement to practice.”

  “But I don’t want to go to the Poconos. I want to go home to Opp and stay at the cabin. My cabin. How could you let strangers stay there? That was our place.”

  She knew what I meant by ‘ours’. The cabin might have been built for me, but it was always more than just mine. That was where Ace, Josh, Aiden, Mark, Eli, and I, along with Riley and sometimes Paige, had spent our summers together.

  “Jared, we really didn’t think you’d mind. It’s been sitting empty for weeks and would have stayed that way until you went back home. The guys are all living their lives in different places now…”

  “No, just stop, Mom. I don’t want to hear anymore. You’ve taken the one thing you ever gave me that meant anything at all to me. That was my sanctuary, my home when you and Dad left for weeks, sometimes months, at a time. My family grew up there. We made all of our memories there…”

  She tried to put her arm around me, but I stepped away.

  Her hands smoothed down the arms of her sweatshirt as she looked away like she needed a moment to compose herself. I’d been harsh, and I didn’t care. She could have had anything… anything of mine, but the cabin? That was home, and they let a bunch of strangers in it. Worse, she was keeping me from going back.

  “I’m sorry for disappointing you, Jared. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go pack and catch a flight.” She never looked at me when she spoke. In fact, she said it more over her shoulder than a
nything as she made her way back to the elevator.

  Oliver crossed the room in quick strides. He made it to Mom as the elevator doors opened and she stepped inside. His arm shot out to keep the doors from closing as he bent closer to her and spoke low. She hissed her response at him and crossed her arms. His finger poked the air in between them, punctuating whatever he said back. A look of fury crossed my mothers face. Her voice rose, carrying loud enough for me to hear her parting words. “You don’t get to make that call.”

  Oliver shoved himself away from the elevator and shook his head. “Yeah, well, I think you’re making a huge mistake, Nadia, but what the fuck do I know?”

  The doors closed on my mom as she gave Oliver a final warning. “Do not make me regret choosing you, Oliver.”

  He stood there, staring at his reflection in the polished metal surface. Or maybe he hoped he could burn a hole through the metal with his eyes. Either way, his rigid stance told me he was pissed. Good, that made two of us.

  I poured another cup of coffee and leaned against the counter. Oliver must have regained his composure because he was back to being all business when he walked over and picked up his coffee mug from the bar.

  “So, I think you should just tell the pilot that there’s been a change of plans. We can go back to Opp, you can kick out the squatters in my cabin, and everybody wins,”

  “How do you figure that?” he asked.

  “I get what I want, and you get to piss off my mom. In my book, that’s clearly a win-win situation.” Devious, really, should have been my middle name.

  Oliver gave me a look of disbelief. “Are you crazy?”

  “Probably,” I said, giving him the best smile I could muster on one-and-a-half cups of coffee.

  “Go wake up Murphy and get packed. Maybe the vacation house in the Poconos has one of those heart-shaped tubs you can soak your delusional head in.”

  I TURNED MY PHONE ON when the plane landed. It pinged alerts one right after another, but I left it in my pocket. The last thing I wanted to see was an ‘I’m sorry’ message from my mother. Anger simmered in my blood, making me act like a spoiled asshole the entire trip. Even Murphy had given up talking to me. The fuckin’ Poconos. What kind of shit was that?