As things were now it was tense.
Food was passed around, but no one spoke.
This was nothing like the warm and happy home I’d grown up in.
The silence continued as we ate. I was the one to break it, unable to stand it for a moment longer.
“Lauren, the meal is delicious.” I smiled pleasantly.
“Thank you,” she replied.
Forks clanked against the glass plates.
“Have you been to one of Cade’s games?” I asked her.
“No,” she wiped her mouth daintily with the fabric napkin. “I’m very busy.”
I wanted to ask what she was so busy doing, but I didn’t want to sound rude so I kept my mouth shut.
“Cade’s been playing very poorly this year,” Malcolm piped in. “So you haven’t missed anything.”
Cade sighed and his head lowered. He used his fork to shuffle his food around the plate, not eating.
I didn’t want to look at Malcolm, but I forced my gaze in his direction. “Really? I thought he’d been playing very well. Granted, I’ve only been to a few games.”
“Believe me,” Malcolm smiled and there was nothing friendly about the expression, “he’s been a shitty player this year.”
Cade stiffened at my side, his hands balling into fists.
I don’t know what made me do it, but I reached over and placed my hand on top of his. Instantly his body relaxed, as if my touch soothed him.
“You know it’s true,” Malcolm sneered at his son.
Cade said nothing in response.
On and on Malcolm droned through the rest of our very unpleasant Thanksgiving dinner. I felt horrible that I’d brought up the subject. I should’ve kept quiet, but I had no idea it would lead to that.
Once dinner was finished Thea and I were told to wash the dishes. I didn’t mind. I was happy to have something to do. I hated standing around feeling as if I was in the way.
“I’m sorry,” I told Thea, since I hadn’t had a chance to apologize to Cade yet. “I didn’t know bringing up football would lead to that.”
She sighed. “It’s okay. That’s…that’s just my dad. He expects a lot from Cade.”
“I can tell,” I snorted.
“He’s still a good dad,” she mumbled, more like it was something she was supposed to say rather than the actual truth. “My dad always wished he’d done more with football, so he’s been pushing Cade to do it professionally for years.”
I eyed her and she looked away, wiping the plate dry. My parents had never forced me to do anything I didn’t like and I couldn’t imagine being in Cade’s situation. I’m sure a part of him wanted to please his dad, and that had to be difficult when he knew football wasn’t what he wanted for the rest of his life.
Once we were done I went in search of Cade. I didn’t find him in his room, so I was left to explore the house as I looked for him.
When I couldn’t find him anywhere, I stepped out onto the deck for some fresh air.
It was cold and I wished I would’ve thought to put shoes on and grab a jacket.
I was about to head inside to get them when I heard voices coming from below the deck.
I crept over to the railing and saw Cade arguing with his dad.
Half of what was said made no sense to me. It was all football garble—a language I was not fluent in.
I knew if I was smart I’d turn around and go back in the house.
But something compelled me to stay.
“I don’t want to go pro!” Cade yelled, gesturing wildly with his hands, his back against the siding of the house.
“This is all you’ve wanted since you were a kid! Why would you throw that all away?!” Malcolm poked him harshly in chest.
Cade shook his head vehemently. “No, dad. This is what you want. Not me. I’ve never wanted this. Do I love football? Yes, but it’s not my life.”
“This is about that girl, isn’t it? She’s got you all messed up in the head and now you’re off track!” His dad yelled and I saw spittle fly from his mouth, landing on Cade’s jacket.
“Dad!” Cade roared, his teeth clenching. He reached up and tugged on his hair, like he was loosing patience. “She has absolutely nothing to do with this! I’ve told you for years that this isn’t for me, but you refuse to listen!”
Malcolm’s fist cocked back, connecting with Cade’s cheek.
Cade’s head swiveled to the side. He spat out blood and glared at his father. Both of the men’s chests rose and fell sharply.
Something told me this was a common occurrence for Cade. He could’ve moved and avoided his father’s fist, but instead he’d let him hit him.
“Think about what you’re throwing away.” Malcolm hissed before starting for the deck steps.
I scurried back inside and closed the door as quickly and quietly as I could.
I sat down on the couch and pretended to have been watching TV when Malcolm stepped inside.
He didn’t look at me or acknowledge my presence in any way as he headed down to the basement.
Cade didn’t return immediately and I didn’t want to go look for him if he needed a moment to compose himself.
I padded into the kitchen and looked in the freezer for an icepack. When I saw none I grabbed a bag of frozen peas instead.
I jumped when I heard the glass door onto the deck slide open.
Cade saw me and kept his face turned, so that I wouldn’t see where his dad hit him.
“I saw, Cade,” I whispered, my voice soft. “I know.”
He didn’t move his head, but his shoulders sagged—from relief or despair, I didn’t know.
“Come here,” I coaxed.
Head downcast, he slowly made his way over to me.
I pointed to one of the stools in front of the bar. “Sit,” I commanded.
His lips tipped up. “I didn’t know you could be so bossy.”
“I don’t like seeing you hurt.” My hand shook as I lifted the bag to press it to the tender skin beneath his eye. His hand clasped around my wrist, steadying it.
“Why don’t you like seeing me hurt?” His eyes were dark and his voice became husky. In the dim kitchen his face was etched in shadow.
My lips parted with a breath. “Why do you think?”
“Say it, Rachael.”
My eyes closed.
Rachael. He called me Rachael again. After the accident, I hated being called Rachael, but hearing Cade say my name…yeah, I liked that.
“Say it.” He prodded when I didn’t immediately speak up.
“Because I care about you,” I snapped. “I care about you more than I should and I don’t want you hurt.”
“You care about me?” He smiled. The hand on my wrist dropped to my waist and I squeaked when he pulled me into the space between his legs. “That’s good to hear, because I care about you a lot.” His other hand tangled in my hair.
“How can you still like me after what I did?” I asked, and the tears threatened to fall once more. After our confessions yesterday neither of us had discussed it again—which left my mind free to run wildly with thoughts of how disgusted he was by me.
“You didn’t do anything, not on purpose anyway. I’m not saying what you did was right, you shouldn’t have looked at your phone, but you didn’t set out to kill them, Rae. There was no intent there. You’re not a murderer like you think.”
“How’d you know I think that?” I bit my lip to stifle a sob.
His eyes softened and he rubbed his thumb against my cheek. “Because I see more than you give me credit for.”
I backed away and grabbed the other stool. Being that close to Cade was making my brain fuzzy. Once I was seated I held the frozen peas against his cheek again.
“You know, you’re nothing like the guy I thought you were during our first few encounters.” I admitted with a soft laugh.
He chuckled with a small smile. “And what did you think of me, Sunshine?”
“Well, I thought you were h
ot,” he grinned at that, “but an arrogant, egotistical, jerk.”
He laughed. “A jerk, huh?”
“Well, you were really laying it on thick and you did drink my coffee. That was rude.”
“Hey, I gave you mouth to mouth, sharing a drink was no big deal,” he countered, grinning so his dimple showed.
“I actually hated how much I was attracted to you. I didn’t want to like you,” I admitted. “I didn’t want to like anyone.”
“But you do.”
“But I do,” I confirmed, even though it hadn’t been a question.
“How much do you like me?” He asked with a boyish smile.
I snorted. “What is this, kindergarten?”
“Hey, I’m just trying to gauge my chances here.” He chuckled warmly. “I don’t want to push you too far, too fast. Something tells me you might punch me in the face.”
I frowned. This brought us back to the reason we were sitting here in the first place.
“How long has he hit you?” I asked hesitantly, afraid to pry too deeply. After all, he hadn’t told me about this. I’d found out by accident—which made me wonder, if I hadn’t walked out there would Cade have told me on his own?
“Since Gabe died.” He answered immediately. “Neither of my parents has handled their grief well…or at all. I’m actually surprised they didn’t end up divorcing. For a long time my mom just cried all the time, then she started putting Thea in pageants again, because that stopped for a while after the accident, and she got a little better. But she was very controlling. She wanted us all to appear as the perfect family. My dad turned to alcohol, and when he drinks, which is all the time, he gets angry.” Cade’s hand came up to mine, pulling the bag away from his face. He laid it on the counter and wrapped his hands around mine. “Regardless of all the shitty things that have happened in my life, I still think I turned out okay. The bad things don’t define us, it’s what we make of them that does. Turn a negative into a positive, that kind of thing,” he winked. “You know,” he reached up and cupped my cheek, then tucked my hair behind my ear so he could see my face, “I think you turned out okay too.”
I laughed. “Okay? If this is what you call okay I don’t want to know what you think is bad.”
“You’re too hard on yourself, Rae.” He stood and put the bag of peas back in the freezer. He leaned against the refrigerator’s stainless steel surface and crossed his arms over his chest. “You’re a good person that had to deal with a tragedy.”
“A tragedy that I caused,” I countered. I wanted to shout, but I couldn’t risk his parents or Thea overhearing our conversation. “Everyone back home blames me for what happened, and they’re right to. It was my fault.”
His jaw tensed and his eyes narrowed. “Did I ask my dad to punch me?”
“No,” I answered immediately, wondering where he was going with this.
“You didn’t ask to kill your friends.” He stared at me, waiting for me to react to his words.
I sighed heavily, like the weight of the world was on my shoulders. “That’s different and you know it.”
“It was a fucking accident, Rae. An accident,” he repeated, like he was trying to drill the word into my head. “It shouldn’t have happened, but it did, and now you have to find a way to stop blaming yourself.”
I looked away. He was right. But how did you stop blaming yourself for something that you did?
“You said earlier that you wouldn’t want them feeling guilty if the situation had been reversed. It’s good that you could acknowledge that, it’s part of healing,” he continued. “And I’m not going to lie, healing is hard. It’s painful. It isn’t the easiest thing in the world, but you have to do it. I couldn’t have prevented Gabe’s death anymore than you could have stopped theirs.”
“I didn’t have to look at my fucking phone!” I screamed and slapped a hand over my mouth.
Cade’s face softened as I began to cry. He stepped forward, pulled me off the stool, and wrapped his arms around me.
I cried into the wall of his chest. “Some things…they just happen. There’s no explanation and no justice in them, but it happens anyway, because sometimes it’s just a person’s time. Gabe, he was only a little boy, but he died because it was his time. I had to get older before I saw that, but it’s the truth.”
“You’re saying that it was their time to die?” I cried, clinging to the fabric of his shirt. “I don’t know if I can believe that.”
“I believe it for you.” His lips brushed against the top of my head.
He pulled my face away from his chest and used his thumb to wipe away the wetness clinging to my cheeks. “Despite what you believe you are a Rae of Sunshine and I’m going to make you see that. I swear it.”
eighteen
I lay awake in bed, staring at the ceiling of the Montgomery’s guest bedroom.
After our talk in the kitchen Cade and I sat down on the couch and indulged in that Harry Potter marathon he’d talked about.
It had been nice...something a normal couple would do—although, we were far from normal and definitely not a couple. I’d enjoyed myself nonetheless.
I’d fallen asleep against his shoulder and when I woke his head was on top of mine. It had been sweet and I’d liked it more than I should have.
Now that I was alone in bed my thoughts were free to run wild.
Was Cade right? Was it their time to die and nothing could’ve prevented the accident?
I wanted to believe that, but I couldn’t.
I was a logical thinking person and the facts were glaringly obvious.
If I hadn’t looked down at my phone they’d still be alive.
Just like if Cade’s family hadn’t gone horseback riding Gabe would still be alive.
But ‘if’ doesn’t matter. There is no such thing as a do over. And we can’t allow ourselves to question every single little detail, but that’s exactly what I had done for the last fifteen months. Cade was right, I had to stop beating myself up over this. It was going to take time for me to get beyond this, though. I couldn’t snap my fingers and magically become Rachael again.
I jumped when the door to my room creaked open.
I sat up as a tall dark figure stepped inside.
“Cade,” I hissed, “what are you doing?”
“I couldn’t sleep.” He tiptoed across the room, and let me tell you it was funny watching a guy as burly as him try to be quiet. “I thought maybe you couldn’t either.”
Without asking for permission, because let’s face it this was Cade, he pulled back the covers and slid into bed beside me.
“So…you thought you’d sleep in here?” I whispered into the dark room.
His chest was bare. I could tell because he wrapped his arms around me and pulled my body against his.
“Well, I think that’s pretty obvious. Should I tell you a bedtime story?” He smoothed the hair away from my neck and kissed the spot where my pulse raced.
“Um…no.” I wiggled around, trying to get comfortable.
“If you keep that up we’ll have a problem,” he warned in a low voice. “Now, it’s story time.”
“I didn’t ask for a—”
“Once upon a time, there was a girl. She was beautiful, like a ray of light, but when she looked in the mirror she saw nothing but darkness.”
I squished my eyes closed, wishing I could block out his words.
“She thought she was an evil, soul-sucking creature…like a vampire,” he chuckled. “But to everyone else, she was an angel. A beautiful soul. But she was sad and that made her prince sad.”
“Her prince?” I asked, my voice sounding squeaky.
“Yeah, her prince. He was a nice guy. And very handsome.”
“Of course,” I snorted.
“He saw how beautiful, smart, amazing, and kind she was. He wanted to banish the darkness she clung to so desperately—the darkness that didn’t even exist. But he knew that the only way to do that was to win her heart…
” He trailed off.
Minutes passed in silence. Finally, I spoke. “Did he?”
“Hmm? Did he what?” He asked, his voice sounding sleepy now.
“Did he win her heart?” I whispered, afraid to push the words passed my lips.
“Not yet,” he rubbed his thumb lazily against my stomach, “but he will.”
And I believed him.
***
“Do you really have to go back?” Lauren cried, hugging her daughter goodbye.
I stood by Cade’s Jeep, feeling like an awkward bystander. Our four day break had been anything but a break. The secrets revealed between Cade and I had been enough to rid me of all energy. And while his mom was nice enough, his dad gave me the creeps, even more so after I saw him hit his own son. The man was just…odd. Even now, he wasn’t present to say goodbye to his kids…and yet, I could see him lurking by the front windows. Watching. Always watching.
“Mom,” Cade groaned, “let her go, we need to leave.”
Lauren released her daughter and leveled her son with a glare. “The University is only thirty minutes away. It’s just silly to leave before you’ve even eaten breakfast.”
Cade looked at me and I saw his eyes flick to the window where his father lurked like a ghost. “I think it’s time for us to leave, don’t you?” He asked his mom.
She sighed, seeming to know what he was talking about.
Could she know that her husband hit her son and let it happen? My God.
She hugged Cade, stretching up on her toes to reach his shoulders. “I love you.”
“Love you too, mom.” He closed his eyes, squeezing her tight.
I turned away and climbed in the vehicle. Thea was already seated in the back.
“I don’t know about you, but I’m ready to get back to campus…man, I never thought I’d say that.” Thea laughed and I heard her rummaging through her purse. A moment later I could hear her chewing on gum. I wondered if Thea knew about her dad hitting Cade. I got the impression that she didn’t. But watching their mom, and the way she now kept looking over her shoulder at the house, she knew. Yep, she definitely knew.
I couldn’t help thinking of a fifteen year old Cade, dealing with the grief of losing his little brother, and having his father smack him around.
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